Do you forgive your sub?

[isabellepain]

For the Doms...so if your sub makes a big mistake snd makes you question the relationship, do you forgive her? Can she express too much?

 

[unregistered]

 

[isabellepain]

Yeah I figure thst will be the general consensus. This is my first relationship of this type snd it seems to have made me very insecure, jealous snd vulnerable. I think I hit his breaking point. I apologized but I hate how this feels

 

[unregistered]

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

For the Doms...so if your sub makes a big mistake snd makes you question the relationship, do you forgive her? Can she express too much?

Explain "Can she express too much" a little more?

 

[isabellepain]

Here, in Stella_Omega's signature line, is the essay I recommended. Stick around and ask lots of questions.

http://forum.literotica.com/member.php?u=543078

Thank you for all of your advice!

 

[isabellepain]

Explain "Can she express too much" a little more?

This is my first D/s relationship snd I have found myself very insecure and jealous, which is new for me. Thingslike needing constsnt reassurance, questioning his intentions and monogamy. My baggsge not his but I think he has grown weary of it. I apologized snd sm sincere sbout correcting, but just fear it is too late

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

This is my first D/s relationship snd I have found myself very insecure and jealous, which is new for me. Thingslike needing constsnt reassurance, questioning his intentions and monogamy. My baggsge not his but I think he has grown weary of it. I apologized snd sm sincere sbout correcting, but just fear it is too late

Hi Isabelle -
I'm so sorry to hear this, because jealousy can be very, very hard on a person... Knowing it is "your problem" doesn't make it any easier.
If you truly think it is just too late, then you know what you probably have to do, even though it will hurt like hell. However, if you have the kind of relationship where you can open up and talk about your feelings, NOT just react to them but try to explore what is making you feel this way, then you might be able to work it out.
If you can explore this with him - even though I understand your feelings that this is your baggage - try to do so. In my opinion, in a true relationship, if something matters to you it should matter to him too, and vice versa. If you can get your fears out into the open they can tend to dissipate. I hope this is true for you

 

[LWulf]

Isabella, you have a repetitive lazy way of using "s" instead of "a."

I note this not because I am a typo-nazi, but because it sums up my feelings on your subject.

That's a peccadillo, accepting someone for all their peccadilloes is a sign of a healthy relationship, but you aren't asking about peccadilloes.

I allow that people make mistakes, I may even overlook them, but I grow increasingly intolerant of people who make mistakes repetitively. People say they are sorry or "I'll try not to do it again" yet they continue to make the same mistakes time and again, making me question whether they are sincere.

Conversely, I have forgiven errors I probably shouldn't have and have overreacted on mistakes I shouldn't, in this I am hardly special. Not addressing or even recognizing an error (I can't come to calling something potentially life changing a "mistake," as you allude to) isn't a sign of a healthy relationship because eventually the dam will burst and that's when overreactions occur.

When it comes down to it, don't give in to your own despair. If you have made a grievous error, then the best way to deal with it is to accept it and try not to do the same error again. If the person you are with is still there, don't second guess them. They are there because they WANT to be; because they feel the relationship is worth it. However, they are somewhat "entitled" to feel lingeringly upset. They are dealing with the issue the same as you have to deal with any guilt.

That doesn't mean they should be knee-jerking at every chance they can to remind you of your error. That is not healthy in any relationship (love/friendship/work).

If someone I have a relationship with has made an error, and there have been some doozies, if I address it with them, then it is in the past. Rekindling feelings of animosity benefits no one.

I allow for peccadilloes, I forgive mistakes, but I only accept errors people make (or I don't), but I don't "forgive them."

 

[DVS]

For the Doms...so if your sub makes a big mistake snd makes you question the relationship, do you forgive her? Can she express too much?

As already said, you could get a different answer from everyone you ask this question. As for me, life is too short to hold a grudge. Come on...everybody makes mistakes. If you didn't forgive mistakes, you'd be living your life in a void.

Maybe I'm just too forgiving, I don't know, but this is my choice. In the big scheme of things, life is full of mistakes. We learn from our mistakes. What do you gain if you can't also learn to forgive?

 

[isabellepain]

Thank you for your insight. And the s a issue is this stupid touch keypad I am trying to get used too! Sorry ha ha

 

[isabellepain]

As already said, you could get a different answer from everyone you ask this question. As for me, life is too short to hold a grudge. Come on...everybody makes mistakes. If you didn't forgive mistakes, you'd be living your life in a void.

Maybe I'm just too forgiving, I don't know, but this is my choice. In the big scheme of things, life is full of mistakes. We learn from our mistakes. What do you gain if you can't also learn to forgive?

Love this response! Made me smile. Thank you!

 

[KoPilot]

I've got a few thoughts on forgiveness (not that my opinion matters more than anyone else's, and not that I'm a d-type, but like someone said upthread, we're all just people navigating relationships at the end of the day).

On the one hand, I hate the forgiveness/grudge dichotomy; there's a lot in between there. Big fan of acceptance, though. I don't deal out forgiveness like candy on Halloween but there are a lot of instances, moments, behaviors, histories, that I've accepted and then moved on from. Forgiveness is only something I really do if I'm asked for it, and just the act of being asked will almost guarantee being forgiven for me. And on that same note, if I forgive somebody, I'm hoping that they respect and trust me enough to know that they've been forgiven and not question it.

But on the other, I'll never forget the words of a deceased family friend read aloud at his funeral. He was young, 27 or 28, fighting cancer and facing death for 4-5 years, so he had a lot of time to reflect on his life and his relationships. He gained a perspective that I won't have until I'm on my deathbed. But he'd written a letter to his folks a short while before passing, and I'll never forget this line written for his father: "If I've ever been angry at you, then I don't remember now." It near moves me to tears every time I remember it.

And this may be too deep or too melancholy for this thread, but it's all the same shit, really. Acknowledging, accepting, trusting, moving on. Trust yourself to be forgivable, trust him when he says you're forgiven. Move on.

 

[LWulf]

Just to clarify, my point was based on what the OP first stated as

...if your sub makes a big mistake [that] makes you question the relationship...

That question to me spoke about heavy sided "mistakes" like betrayal or infidelity thus my statement.

A mistake is leaving the water running in the bathtub and now there will be 1000's of dollars in repairs.
It's forgivable but costly. It would make me very mad, but I wouldn't question the relationship because of something like that.
...unless it was the third time in a row, that it happened.

BIG mistakes, to me, are "I slept with your friend" or "I was talking to my friends and we all laughed at how you do those idiotic (whatever) and I told them you don't know the half of how much of a spaz he is, why the other day he... etc"

To me, those are the big "mistakes" that make you question a relationship.

You don't forgive those types of errors in my opinion. Calling such a "mistake" is like referring to "disemboweled" as a "paper cut."
You can only accept them and heal and hope if there is anything called "respect" left in the relationship, that the relationship will survive.

 

[All_4_Love]

Hi Isabelle,
Sometimes, when we change our perspective on something, it can make it appear more manageable. Jealousy and insecurity are such strong emotions to keep under control and I empathize with you, I really do. Emotions are just that anyway, not facts or proof that there is something wrong with you. Jealousy and insecurity are the manifestations of a belief that you’re not lovable at that given moment. You can always turn this around by reminding yourself that are your lovable.

Perhaps if you view the expression of the emotions to your Dom as something that causes him pain, it will be easier for you to keep the emotions in check when they arise. Your emotions may be causing your Dom to be angry because of the way that you’re choosing to express them. If you express jealousy toward him, it probably feels like an attack on his character or his ability to earn your trust. Instead of focusing solely on how these emotions are causing YOU to feel, perhaps focusing on how they cause HIM to feel will help you in managing them.

It would make sense that if we’re doing something to hurt someone we love, the motivation to stop that action would be to stop hurting our loved one. I’m assuming he would do the same for you. So, taking the focus off of yourself and your feelings and putting the focus on him and his feelings, combined with the underlying need to please him, may be all you need to do. It seems less overwhelming that way, too. Just my thoughts...

 

[All_4_Love]

But he'd written a letter to his folks a short while before passing, and I'll never forget this line written for his father: "If I've ever been angry at you, then I don't remember now." It near moves me to tears every time I remember it.

This is breathtaking, by the way. Thank you for sharing.

And this may be too deep or too melancholy for this thread, but it's all the same shit, really. Acknowledging, accepting, trusting, moving on. Trust yourself to be forgivable, trust him when he says you're forgiven. Move on.

And this.

(Sorry for the double post but I'm not sure how to fix it )

 

[LadiLucki7]

For the Doms...so if your sub makes a big mistake snd makes you question the relationship, do you forgive her? Can she express too much?

I think it depends on the mistake and how it truly does effect the relationship. How deep you both are invested and not just a surface sort of investment either. If you both can genuinely discuss what/ why it happened and why it effect the others feelings then it's worth a shot to lose a good relationship. If its something minute and there's still an issue then there are underlying issues that need to be worked on or just mutually agree to end it. Do not spend your time trying to make a person try if they truly do not have any intention of trying in the end.

 

[LadiLucki7]

I think it depends on the mistake and how it truly does effect the relationship. How deep you both are invested and not just a surface sort of investment either. If you both can genuinely discuss what/ why it happened and why it effect the others feelings then it's worth a shot to lose a good relationship. If its something minute and there's still an issue then there are underlying issues that need to be worked on or just mutually agree to end it. Do not spend your time trying to make a person try if they truly do not have any intention of trying in the end.

And I believe that for both the Doms and subs...

 

[LWulf]

And I believe that for both the Doms and subs...

it also applies in and out of bdsm

 

[isabellepain]

Perhaps if you view the expression of the emotions to your Dom as something that causes him pain, it will be easier for you to keep the emotions in check when they arise. Your emotions may be causing your Dom to be angry because of the way that you’re choosing to express them. If you express jealousy toward him, it probably feels like an attack on his character or his ability to earn your trust. Instead of focusing solely on how these emotions are causing YOU to feel, perhaps focusing on how they cause HIM to feel will help you in managing them.


This makes sense to me. Here is the issue. We have been in what I would consider a long term committed relationship and I have asked him if he wanted a monagamus relationship to which he agreed. My issue is with trust so I occasionally do the bad thing like look at the messages on his phone or Facebook when he is in the other room and I have found sexually explicit conversations between he and other woman. It hurts and I feel betrayed and lied too, however I was wrong to look but I don't think with the rational part of my brain when I am being emotional ha ha. So then I want to be mad can't tell him why and start down the path that if he can do it so can I. Am I being to traditional and unrealistic to want to be his everything? I feel betrayed And threatened and can't figure out how to get past it

 

[MeekMe]

Sounds like a normal dysfunctional relationship to me. You both agreed on a monogamous relationship. Granted you maybe should have been more trusting and not looked at his messages, you did and now you're not sure how to handle the info.

Any relationship troubles I've seen come up in the board always circle around to COMMUNICATION. It sounds like you should talk to him about what you found. It seems both of you have a trust issue. Perhaps the relationship is worth enough to try and work through these problems. Perhaps the relationship is just doomed to fail.

It sounds to me like you both are in need of a long talk and you both have to decide if you can work through it. Knowing if others dom are willing to forgive isn't going to help you any.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Some people simply cannot be monogamous, Isabelle.

Of course it's much much better when that person can speak the truth-- but when a prospective partner, that one wants to be with, makes a demand like that, it's considered the Right Way To Be and we are expected to acquiesce or else there is something wrong with us.

And thus we have that secondary cultural thing, which is that as our partner doesn't know it that we are cheating-- it won't hurt them. And that isn't true either, of course. But non-monogamous people have to deal with those needs somehow. It has nothing to do with loving their primary partner any less.

I consider the monogamy/polyamory spectrum to be an unalterable aspect of a person's psyche, like BDSM/vanilla, or gay/bi/straight. And like those other things, it's much better to acknowledge it, one way or another.

 

[isabellepain]

Some people simply cannot be monogamous, Isabelle.

Of course it's much much better when that person can speak the truth-- but when a prospective partner, that one wants to be with, makes a demand like that, it's considered the Right Way To Be and we are expected to acquiesce or else there is something wrong with us.

And thus we have that secondary cultural thing, which is that as our partner doesn't know it that we are cheating-- it won't hurt them. And that isn't true either, of course. But non-monogamous people have to deal with those needs somehow. It has nothing to do with loving their primary partner any less.

I consider the monogamy/polyamory spectrum to be an unalterable aspect of a person's psyche, like BDSM/vanilla, or gay/bi/straight. And like those other things, it's much better to acknowledge it, one way or another.

So based on this if we are at opposite ends of the spectrum it's doomed to fail?
I love him and want to make him happy and would do anything to please him and wish the monogamy thing was not such an issue for me, but it is. One the otherwise I don't know how I could possibly walk away so I find myself in a bit of a conundrum. Guess there really is no other solution than do or don't. I really thought he was walking away after my latest outburst as he feels like he is living under a microscope. I guess I just need for him to be honest about what he wants so I can try to make a decision on can everyone be happy. Thanks for all of the great insight

 

[Stella_Omega]

So based on this if we are at opposite ends of the spectrum it's doomed to fail?
I love him and want to make him happy and would do anything to please him and wish the monogamy thing was not such an issue for me, but it is. One the otherwise I don't know how I could possibly walk away so I find myself in a bit of a conundrum. Guess there really is no other solution than do or don't. I really thought he was walking away after my latest outburst as he feels like he is living under a microscope. I guess I just need for him to be honest about what he wants so I can try to make a decision on can everyone be happy. Thanks for all of the great insight

It is a spectrum. Most people can achieve a compromise one way or the other. Even yourself. A lot of what you feel is the result of your society, the culture you live in-- all those thousands of happy-ever-after romance endings in films and novels. This doesn't mean that what you feel for yourself isn't the truth for you, but it might be worth thinking about what changing it up would be like.

And he can probably compromise as well. He already has, by hiding his sexting from you. It might be that his compromise is that he continues sexting without looking for physical encounters, and that you leave it alone.

I'm going to say here too, that when I once forced myself into monogamy, I ended up losing interest in my primary partner. And that didn't do either of us any good!

 

[isabellepain]

It is a spectrum. Most people can achieve a compromise one way or the other. Even yourself. A lot of what you feel is the result of your society, the culture you live in-- all those thousands of happy-ever-after romance endings in films and novels. This doesn't mean that what you feel for yourself isn't the truth for you, but it might be worth thinking about what changing it up would be like.

And he can probably compromise as well. He already has, by hiding his sexting from you. It might be that his compromise is that he continues sexting without looking for physical encounters, and that you leave it alone.

I'm going to say here too, that when I once forced myself into monogamy, I ended up losing interest in my primary partner. And that didn't do either of us any good!

I am sure that is a lot of my personality. 1. Why am I not enough? 2. He is just going to lose interest and move on if he is not getting his needs met. What a mess!