Do you ever say 'No'?

[shy slave]

Its a sad fact that we can't live in fantasy, BDSM or D/s world on a 24/7 basis.

Real life creeps in and brings with it the reality of dishes needing washed, cars needing cleaned, tears needing mopped up, family needing our time and efforts.

We all have bad days and sometimes the very worst of times occur in our personal lives, completely seperate to any D/s or BDSM things we may want or need in our lives.

How do people deal with this if they are in a D/s relationship?

For example if your a pyl and your PYL asks you to do something that for whatever reason you do not feel able to perform?
I am not talking about not wanting to but feeling unable to, perhaps due to a reality elsewhere in your life that is taking up all of your mental and or physical ability.
Nor am I necessarily talking about a sexual aspect, it could be as simple as putting the rubbish out or making fresh coffee.

Do you 'perform' the task and hope it works out ok, do you explain how you feel at that point in time and hope they understand or do you end up arguing or disagreeing with them?


In a similiar vein PYL's how do you cope when you have personal issues that hinder your ability to play, plan use or whatever your pyl?
Sometimes reality can take up so much head space it leaves little room to make your pyl feel cared for or wanted.
Do you play 'just because,' do you explain the situation and promise normal service will resume in due course and in the meantime hope your relationship can cope or do you find an alternative way forward.

Please don't give me the answers that say 'good PYL/pyl should know your mood and gauge it all accordingly etc'

We are all only human, even PYLs!

 

[graceanne]

Quite often K will want me to do things I just cannot do, due to chronic exhaustion or whatever. Normally I just explain that I'm not feeling good, and that takes care of it.

Edited to add: I don't have to do that often, K knows me and my body well enough to know how I'm feeling. If walking from the bathroom to the kitchen makes me so tired I'm gasping for air, their's no way I'm up for much.

 

[Netzach]

Not only do I sometimes hear "no" but hell no and fuck, no too.

It all depends on what the context and reason is, for me. It's not sensible to always be right with someone you live with.

 

[Rrrosyn]

j twisted his knee Wednesday. Not only did he have to call in sick to work, he had some problems with tasks at home. This can be a big problem since most of his chores are all ready things I cannot do, due to health issues. So... we juggled the best we could, did a lot of cuddling and comforting before bed.

I just can't expect someone to do their chores when they are over-tired or hurting. It seems wrong. Now if it were something I couldn't see, he might need to explain it. Just because I am in pain 24/7 it does not invalidate his problems.

On the other hand, I'd had a very hard day myself. He was refusing to elveate his knee properly, take anything (medicinal or herbal), use any rubs, ice or anything. So I had to work to be sympathetic. Around dinnertime I couldn't stay quiet anymore, took him aside and said, "Hey, if you aren't going to help yourself, I am not going to wait on you!" We made our own dinners on our own time, he did his chores with short-cuts and I picked up a bit of slack.

 

[h_i_s]

i don't say 'No' to my Master ... ever. Rather i choose other words to convey that i can't do what He requests, as well as explaining exactly 'why' i can't.

Example:

Him: Can you please get make me a ham and cheese sandwhiche?

me: i'm in the middle of making lunch for the kids right now. Can i get you that sandwhiche once i am finished?

OR

Him: Please be in bed with me by 8:00PM.

me: i still have to pack the lunches for school tomorrow, and then would like to sit and drink my coffee and have a cigarette before coming to bed. Would that be ok?

Just a couple of examples. i am rarely denied a legitimate need to briefly postpone requests when they are worded properly (properly for Him meaning i have not come out and said NO .. but instead have provided reason and presented a polite request).

There have been one or two times when i have been expected to perform sexually and have informed my Master of my either not feeling well enough, or too tired to do so. One of those times i was excused from performing, the other i was not excused from. And that other time, as tired as i was ... i managed fine, no permanent damage or suffering as a result.

 

[tealsphynx]

We haven't really been able to be our normal 24/7 selves for the last 3 months. First month Draggie tore the cartilage in his sternum, 2nd month he had a compressed vertabrea in his neck and a concussion, this month we've had a friend living with us, and out of respect for our friendship, have been as close to vanilla as we can be without going insane. We respect eachothers "no's". Sometimes that may mean that one of us will go to bed a little dissappointed, but that's how life is. Also we agreed before we ever started exploring D/s that we would be partners, so we keep eachothers needs in mind at all times. Its just how we work. If it's sex one of us wants and the other doesn't/can't the other will either leave it at it's dissappointing truth, or go and masturbate. Sometimes if I'm not feeling like playing he'll get on his knees and beg "Please, Lady. Just a little bit of pain?" It's sweet when he does. It reminds me of how much he wants and needs me

 

[Miss Trickery]

For example if your a pyl and your PYL asks you to do something that for whatever reason you do not feel able to perform?
I am not talking about not wanting to but feeling unable to, perhaps due to a reality elsewhere in your life that is taking up all of your mental and or physical ability.
Nor am I necessarily talking about a sexual aspect, it could be as simple as putting the rubbish out or making fresh coffee.

In a similiar vein PYL's how do you cope when you have personal issues that hinder your ability to play, plan use or whatever your pyl?
Sometimes reality can take up so much head space it leaves little room to make your pyl feel cared for or wanted.
Do you play 'just because,' do you explain the situation and promise normal service will resume in due course and in the meantime hope your relationship can cope or do you find an alternative way forward.

Everyone is different in the way they carry themselves in a relationship - and each way is acceptable to them and perhaps others to some degree. In my relationship with my man, I feel the need to be of service to him 24/7 and to show him affection, despite any hardships that may arise. I may come home tired and exhausted from work but will gladly give him a back rub and a peck or two on the neck, if it's what he wants. I will admit, I am a sex hungry girl (with my man) - and have yet to be too tired or just not in the mood for it, thankfully. However, sex isn't the driving force in my relationship, so it's all good with or without the play.

There have been times when my man has just had a rough day - even some horrible days. He'll do his best to make me feel wanted and desired, granted it's not as abundant as those days when he's in a good mood, but I understand what he could be going through and I know everything will resume again soon. He knows how sexual I can be and wants to satisfy me with play/sex/love-making... even though he hasn't had the best of days. I've asked him on occasion if he's doing it just to please me or if he's doing it because it pleases us both - and will immediately get the 'both' reply. But, yeah, I believe it for sure *naughty giggle*

So as this is how things work in my relationship, I know it gets way different in others. Some people tend to want their space and some 'off' time, while others like myself feel more comfort in keeping with the details of our D/s lifestyle.

 

[timberwolf05]

shy slave
Its a sad fact that we can't live in fantasy, BDSM or D/s world on a 24/7 basis.
-------------

who you talkin to? "I" AM 24/7 on call basis d/s thank you. i was with my 1st mistress for 15 months and i am now with my 2nd mistress.
there is no time off. there are no sick days. there is no vacation or weekends away.

i AM........24/7 domestics service.......ya know?

so i do NOT know what you are talking about......

i hope your day gets better.

wolfie

 

[graceanne]

shy slave
Its a sad fact that we can't live in fantasy, BDSM or D/s world on a 24/7 basis.
-------------

who you talkin to? "I" AM 24/7 on call basis d/s thank you. i was with my 1st mistress for 15 months and i am now with my 2nd mistress.
there is no time off. there are no sick days. there is no vacation or weekends away.

i AM........24/7 domestics service.......ya know?

so i do NOT know what you are talking about......

i hope your day gets better.

wolfie

I'm not going to give you the blasting that I want to, because you don't know what's going on with shyslave right now, but suffice it to say that their are things that get in the way of bdsm, whether you like it or not.

 

[Private_Label]

Real life creeps in and brings with it the reality of dishes needing washed, cars needing cleaned, tears needing mopped up, family needing our time and efforts....

How do people deal with this if they are in a D/s relationship?...

Please don't give me the answers that say 'good PYL/pyl should know your mood and gauge it all accordingly etc'

All I can talk about is what I hope my potential partner would do... I don't have any real experience with someone other than OL and by phone.

I would hope that my partner understands that I have health issues that sometimes get in the way - a couple of weeks ago I ended up calling in sick on Monday and Tuesday because the ruptured disks in my back were causing me some pain but the worst part was the stiffness that made it damned difficult to get up and move around enough to get from the bed to the bathroom. While I may have wanted to do a lot of things, especially to make a partner happy, physically some days that just won't be possible.

I'm also a bit of a control freak with my own space and body. I have put a lot of personal thought into it over the years and while I understand why and can (usually) keep the knee jerk response caused by that sore place to a minimum, sometimes the reaction is just too fast and sudden when I have a touchy spot I had not identified yet. While I will do my best to see that it doesn't happen - I certain there will be a point when it does and I hope my SO will be able to take us into the equals zone for a while as I get a handle on that.

I guess it all comes back to the big Cs - Communication, Caring, and Commitment.

One of my older female friends said about relationships - "Sometimes, you won't love everything about each other, sometimes the things that you found endearing you suddenly find irritating. As long as you are willing to hang in there and remain frieds though all the times, good and bad, you will get to where your feelings swing the other direction. But you have to be willing to give it time and to continue to talk to each other and keep each other as your closest friend."

I've know 'nilla marriages to fail even if the people knew and dated each other for years, and I have known marriages where the people got married 6 months after meeting each other - my Aunt & Uncle - my Uncle asked my Aunt to marry him on their second date - they are still married after nearly 40 years. A friend I had known for years married a woman after just knowing her a few months - he knew he was going to marry her the first time they went on a date).

My Aunt and Uncle have very defined roles in their marriage - He is a short haul truck driver, she keeps his books, they both raised my cousin who is autistic. They may have defined roles in the marriage, they speak to each other as equals in the relationship.

I am also thinking about Landcruisergal's (I may be wrong about the person)sub friend who was claimed by a master as she was still in the afterglow of an intense scene. He didn't bother speaking to her as an equal to find out if she wanted a relationship with him, or if she had a master. She may be happy with the outcome - but sometimes, you just have to set the D/s to one side and talk to each other as equal partners in the relationship regardless of your roles in the relationship.

{{hugs}}

 

[Miss Trickery]

"Sometimes, you won't love everything about each other, sometimes the things that you found endearing you suddenly find irritating. As long as you are willing to hang in there and remain frieds though all the times, good and bad, you will get to where your feelings swing the other direction. But you have to be willing to give it time and to continue to talk to each other and keep each other as your closest friend."

My sentiments exactly.

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

In some countries, men swathe their bodies in cow dung, and go look for a mate, the cow dung acting as a cologne to the opposite sex.

What I am saying is that what works for you is just that, what works for you.

In this lifestyle there is no perfect relationship to compare to, just the realities of your relationship and even if it is 12/6, its yours, enjoy it!

Like safewords, good communication before, and during the relationship allows each of you to understand each other, and your limitations, (i.e. health issues, schedule conflicts, your inability to tuck both legs behind your ears, whatever)

If you could ever attempt to piece all the advice given on these threads together, I believe the common point would be to communicate with each other, and really get into each other's minds.

Last I checked Mental telepathy was not an ability given exclusively to Doms.

From my slave's comments, and how she has been trained by me, NO is not a word she would use, but from good strong communication, her requests to do it later,or to give her extra time to accomplish another task, are typically granted.

In my career, I trained salespeople, I taught them it is at times more important how you say something, than what you actually say.
An example:
A man walks into a bar, notices a rather homely woman, walks up to her, and says "You have a face that could stop a clock!"
Same bar, same woman, same man, but this time he says "When I look at you, time stands still"
It's all in how ya say it, Say no, and you could be seen as challenging your Dom, or being disrepectful. Let him know why you can accmplish something at that moment, a fair and just Master will understand, and work with you to accomplish both of your goals.

C O M M U N I C A T E!

 

[shy slave]

Not only do I sometimes hear "no" but hell no and fuck, no too.

It all depends on what the context and reason is, for me. It's not sensible to always be right with someone you live with.

Y'know the idea of him saying 'fuck, no' to you makes me think he is a braver person than I am!

 

[shy slave]

shy slave
Its a sad fact that we can't live in fantasy, BDSM or D/s world on a 24/7 basis.
-------------

who you talkin to? "I" AM 24/7 on call basis d/s thank you. i was with my 1st mistress for 15 months and i am now with my 2nd mistress.
there is no time off. there are no sick days. there is no vacation or weekends away.

i AM........24/7 domestics service.......ya know?

so i do NOT know what you are talking about......

i hope your day gets better.

wolfie

Gracie you are far far too sweet.
Timberwolf go shove your head up your ass.

Oh sorry, it appears its already there

 

[shy slave]

Its great to see that most people find ways round those days when life is not all sweet and light.

IYM I agree it is about communication, but sometimes that communcation can be the wrong sort but still get the point across lol

I have had some pm's about this thread wondering if Andante and I are having a stressful time with each other.

The answer is 'no' He is caring, loving and supportive, as always.

We have not reached a stage yet where I have felt the response to a request of his is 'fuck, no' (but I am going to save that one and point out that if Netzach gets told that at times, then so should he! )

Real life does leak through as Sinnocent and Gracie gave examples of. Sometimes life just gets ahead of us.

In a vanilla role you could shout, yell, sulk whatever in D/s there may be differing expectations.

All relationships are about communcation, a plate flying toward your head is a form of that, even if there are no spoken words attached to it.

I am curious about times when PYL's feel they should be using/playing/whatever and yet feel unable to. For example there are threads on here about mental issues such as depression. If your heading into that state of mind and your pyl is feeling neglected how do you go about dealing with this.

And please don't say you tell them and they respond 'ok, Master' and resume cleaning your floggers. They must be disappointed etc, if not why not??

 

[Marquis]

I wouldn't trust a sub who couldn't tell me no without breaking a sweat.

 

[shy slave]

All I can talk about is what I hope my potential partner would do... I don't have any real experience with someone other than OL and by phone.

I would hope that my partner understands that I have health issues that sometimes get in the way - a couple of weeks ago I ended up calling in sick on Monday and Tuesday because the ruptured disks in my back were causing me some pain but the worst part was the stiffness that made it damned difficult to get up and move around enough to get from the bed to the bathroom. While I may have wanted to do a lot of things, especially to make a partner happy, physically some days that just won't be possible.

I'm also a bit of a control freak with my own space and body. I have put a lot of personal thought into it over the years and while I understand why and can (usually) keep the knee jerk response caused by that sore place to a minimum, sometimes the reaction is just too fast and sudden when I have a touchy spot I had not identified yet. While I will do my best to see that it doesn't happen - I certain there will be a point when it does and I hope my SO will be able to take us into the equals zone for a while as I get a handle on that.

I guess it all comes back to the big Cs - Communication, Caring, and Commitment.

One of my older female friends said about relationships - "Sometimes, you won't love everything about each other, sometimes the things that you found endearing you suddenly find irritating. As long as you are willing to hang in there and remain frieds though all the times, good and bad, you will get to where your feelings swing the other direction. But you have to be willing to give it time and to continue to talk to each other and keep each other as your closest friend."

I've know 'nilla marriages to fail even if the people knew and dated each other for years, and I have known marriages where the people got married 6 months after meeting each other - my Aunt & Uncle - my Uncle asked my Aunt to marry him on their second date - they are still married after nearly 40 years. A friend I had known for years married a woman after just knowing her a few months - he knew he was going to marry her the first time they went on a date).

My Aunt and Uncle have very defined roles in their marriage - He is a short haul truck driver, she keeps his books, they both raised my cousin who is autistic. They may have defined roles in the marriage, they speak to each other as equals in the relationship.

I am also thinking about Landcruisergal's (I may be wrong about the person)sub friend who was claimed by a master as she was still in the afterglow of an intense scene. He didn't bother speaking to her as an equal to find out if she wanted a relationship with him, or if she had a master. She may be happy with the outcome - but sometimes, you just have to set the D/s to one side and talk to each other as equal partners in the relationship regardless of your roles in the relationship.

{{hugs}}

Private label

Thanks for this, it makes so much sense.
Reading about your Aunt, Uncle and cousin is the kind of real life issues I had in mind. Demands from other responsibilities can overwhelm anyone at times.

I also understand the control freak bit. He and I are both like that.
We have yet to really argue about an issue, but when we do it will be interesting!

No-one is in that 'Yes' role 24/7 unless they are made of coconut matting and re-named a door mat.

Many pyls on Lit appear to be strong and self-willed (thinking Gracie, Sunfox, KC as a start point) and equally there are several strong-willed PYLS (AA, Netzach, Shadowsdream, Francisco etc) if one of you is depressed or unable to do a task and the other wnats it ..NOW then communication in a civilised manner can break down.

I like the 3 'C's too, and I do agree time knowing a person is not always the issue.
My parents have been married 50 yrs + and still annoy each other

 

[timberwolf05]

shy slave
Timberwolf go shove your head up your ass.

Oh sorry, it appears its already there
---------

yep yep

ya all want the truth but ya aint adult enough to handle the truth. dont ask questions you aint adult enough to handle the answers........

MY truth may not be YOUR truth but i damn sure wont lie to you either.....

like it or you dont like it i dont care.
but i am just THAT damn good!!!!!!!

whooooooooooo

 

[shy slave]

I wouldn't trust a sub who couldn't tell me no without breaking a sweat.

LOL

I bet you love to see a poor lil subbie sweat

But how do you say 'No' to them, or do you simply lock them in a cage until you feel like playing ???

 

[shy slave]

I am deeply sorry I started this thread.

It was a subject I have an interest in and it appears others may also have the same issues at times.

I had hoped for intelligent discussion, debate and humour.
Its the type of subject I hoped would lure Pure or Lara into posting some thought provoking things.

Instead it has simply provoked some people.

To Timberwolf
I dont recall ever having responded directly to any of your posts before today.

However I never asked anyone to start a thread about me nor did they ask me. It was a touching and caring thing for Zendragoness to do. Especially as she does not know me or know the issues.
I am touched by her care, concern

My personal issues are just that personal.

I won't pretend to understand you, nor do I wish to.

Nor was this thread an emotive plea of help from me to others, it was a genuine interest on what people do when life happens yet D/s also continues.

If it makes you happy then I am pleased you think you can ride over personal issues and not let them affect you.

Its a rare skill, I have never known anyone else who manages that.
And I don't know you
shy

 

[Kierae]

Shy slave,

Do not apologize for starting this thread - it is a great thread. I was interested in reading what other people had to say considering most of us have encountered this situation where RL interferes and pushes us to the point where we have to say "no". Don't let Timberwolf's snippy response deter you from posting these kind of threads.

And Timberwolf I call it snippy in that you could have posted in a more sincere way. My guess is just because you are 24/7 domestic doesn't mean that you aren't expected to communicate in some way to your Dom/me that you aren't physically capable of performing a task (I understand why she may not care about your emotional needs as a domestic although in the long run emotional can end up equaling physical). Of course maybe you are one of the fortunate people who never ever have anything ever happen to them physically or emotionally - then you should feel blessed.

 

[m wisdom]

I have enjoyed reading (most) off this thread and I'm sure many more enjoy it as well so please don't be sorry about starting it.

For me it's simple, it's the relationship first and BDSM second so NO would be perfectly ok for a sub to say. I wouldn't like it if she felt she couldn't say no to me. Honest and open communication is very important under all circumstances.

 

[h_i_s]

I am deeply sorry I started this thread.

It was a subject I have an interest in and it appears others may also have the same issues at times.

NO. Noooo.... NO!!! Fuck no. There i said it. lol

Why should you feel sorry?!? The topic of this thread is a good idea shy slave.

So what if it rubbed one or two people the wrong way. We can't please everyone, and would most likely go near mad just for trying. So what if another may disagree with certain points made, we all have our own interpretations, points to make, experiences to draw on ect ..... far to vast as they are, there will always be times when some may disagree.


i for one, among others who have already expressed so, appreciate the topic of this thread, can relate well, and am happy to share my thoughts regarding the topic. In fact, i do have more that i wish to share regarding the subject but .... lo' and behold', real life non-bdsm stuff gives me no choice but to postpone the rest of my thoughts .... for now.

 

[Recidiva]

First, my ignorance is showing. What does PYL stand for? I tried searching, but it's been of no use.

Second, I think this exact concern is why I don't structure my life according to BDSM principles. Life calls the shots a lot more often than any Dom I could have. I have many migraine headaches and they make me useless, petulant and stupid. I don't like being this way, but the only thing you can do is medicate me and leave me in a dark room, checking on me occasionally without making too much noise or rocking the waterbed.

There's no way I could be of service to anyone at this point in time unless they were a twisted fuckhead who really enjoyed torturing someone in pain. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who would just love to take a crack at me right at that particular moment in time.

I have a strong personality, I'm married to someone with a strong personality. He makes me weak lots of ways, but life makes me weaker and I need him to care for me. If I were expected to constantly care for him, my children, myself and all the world's ills, I wouldn't survive it.

Ask yourselves how many people fleeing from the hurricanes took their BDSM gear first or made their sub sit in the back seat. They'd better both be up front in the car in sensible clothes, holding hands between switching gears and steering.

 

[Kierae]

First, my ignorance is showing. What does PYL stand for? I tried searching, but it's been of no use.

PYL is pick your own label.