Do you cut away the fat or hang on to it?

[WickedEve]

Can you let go of your precious words? In the last few months I've learned to let go. At one time I couldn't part with any of my words, or kiss a malformed, misfit of a stanza goodbye! I remember sending my beautiful bouncing baby Worth a Sixpence to smithpeter. He said some rubbish about cutting down the 50 stanza length! Every one of those stanzas was a masterpiece in my mind.

A couple of nights ago, I wrote a freaky alien poem. It rambled on a bit. But I like it! I sent it to that smithpeter guy again. He said something about working on it bit more. Well, now it's half the poem it was. I cut away the fat, and kept the good stuff. And it didn't even hurt.

So, is it tough for any of you to part with words? Even good stanzas that just don't really work with a particular poem? Or am I the only one that still gets tempted to hang onto my fat?

 

[WickedEve]

The alien poem I mentioned:

I have a chubby 3 year-old, and the baby fat looks good on her. But the chub didn't look good on this poem Alien In The Dark (or Alien Report) so I slimmed it down. I'd appreciate any feedback.

2nd Revision:

In a wall-less space,
light gradually dimming
into blackness,
I trekked onward.

Indigenous shapes loomed and lurked.
Air sounds - pumped in and out -
led me to a rectangular beast.

Through squares of transparent skin,
I digested the process.

Two life forms undulated
within the front belly --
appendages entangled,
gaping holes gasped.

Fleshy protrusions connected
to exchange internal resources,
yet inevitable demise for one.

Division of lower body,
quick insertion into lifeless receptacle,
frenzy of motion,
miraculous resurrection!

Then collapse!
Smaller morsel seized beneath,
ejecting the larger onto lower stomach.

Before I could camouflage,
creature opened, expelled its food.
One screeched, "Limp dick!"
just before I zapped them.

Original:

I was standing in a wall-less space
when the big light went out.
It alerted me to impending blackness
by gradually dimming.

Shapeless shapes loomed and lurked.
Noise of air pumped in and out,
led me to the metallic contraption.

Eyes focused for an interesting observation.
The rectangular thing had recently consumed nourishment.
Fortunately, I could watch the digestive process
through the patches of hard transparent skin.

Life forms undulated within the back belly.
Their appendages entangled
and gaping holes gasped.

To sustain dwindling existence,
they exchanged internal resources
by means of connecting fleshy protrusions.

Eventually, inevitable death claimed the smaller creature.
The remaining one, in a desperate attempt at resurrection,
divided its lower body, displaying a rigid protrusion
that dwarfed the now enclosed one.

A quick insertion into the lifeless one's receptacle,
followed by a frenzy of jerky motions,
miraculously revived the deceased.

Then suddenly the larger one collapsed,
causing the one underneath to seize,
ejecting the top one to the lower section of stomach.

Before I could camouflage, the beast opened
and expelled the obviously foul tasting food.

I heard the almost unintelligible grunts of "Limp Dick!"
just before I zapped them.

 

[Rybka]

Viewing Alien Copulation

If this is about two non-humans copulating, then you are correct. The revision is much better, even if more confusing to the reader. If it is not, than you have lost me.

Regards, Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Viewing Alien Copulation

If this is about two non-humans copulating, then you are correct. The revision is much better, even if more confusing to the reader. If it is not, than you have lost me.

Regards, Rybka

It says "I zapped them." The "I" in the poem is the alien. He's outside in the dark and he's in the dark about what's happening. Two humans are making out in the car.

 

[Blarneystoned]

But the true question is..

Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight ?

 

[WickedEve]

Re: But the true question is..

Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight ?

I use my bed post for other things.

 

[Rybka]

O.K. You had lost me.

It says "I zapped them." The "I" in the poem is the alien. He's outside in the dark and he's in the dark about what's happening. Two humans are making out in the car.

I did not understand it as being from that point of view. Perhaps you need to make the speaker clearer, or most likely I am just too stupid. :-(

 

[WickedEve]

Re: O.K. You had lost me.

I did not understand it as being from that point of view. Perhaps you need to make the speaker clearer, or most likely I am just too stupid. :-(

Whenever someone tells me that they don't get it, then I believe that poem needs more work. I had a feeling this poem may be a little confusing the way it's written.

 

[Blarneystoned]

Can you chew gum and use handcuffs at the same time? haha

Rybka...you have to watch those alien ivaders..they use anal probes..haha



Eve ...please enumerate your uses of the bed post..haha

Did you like my question or was it too wordy ??

haha

Blarney

P.S. I am having a shitty day...how is everyone elses?

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Can you chew gum and use handcuffs at the same time? haha

Rybka...you have to watch those alien ivaders..they use anal probes..haha



Eve ...please enumerate your uses of the bed post..haha

Did you like my question or was it too wordy ??

haha

Blarney

P.S. I am having a shitty day...how is everyone elses?

Handcuffs! I didn't even think about that. I was thinking something much naughtier!
I must tell you something extremely wicked, blarney... I... uh... I... Sorry, I can't seem to type out that wicked thing I was going to tell you, because I'm chewing gum.

 

[Blarneystoned]

Yeah bubble gum is like that..haha

I like bubble yum..but bubbliscious has a sexier name...I think if bazooka put naked photos instead of retarded jokes it would sell more gum...haha


I dont understand why Senna was fixating on Unc bubba and the oak tree so much ?? Do you Eve ? But hey, I will take the complement I guess.

So Rybka...why don't you laugh more.....I think we need to work on that...Sex is better when you smile !

 

[WickedEve]

Re: O.K. You had lost me.

I did not understand it as being from that point of view. Perhaps you need to make the speaker clearer, or most likely I am just too stupid. :-(

Rybka, try out the newer revision in my original post and see if it makes more sense.

 

[stargirl32]

Re: Re: O.K. You had lost me.

Rybka, try out the newer revision in my original post and see if it makes more sense.

now i know what /who is who i love it
specialy the way you discribe the car ,, i , loved that

as to the fat ,,, i recycle it ,, never throw away ramblings ,,, you never know when a phrase or metaphor will become usefull ,, lol i have a floppy full of stupid ramblings... like ,..... silky sausages slipping over silvered pan ,,, or ,,,,, drunk as a skin of decomposed apples ... ...

sometimes i let my mind wonder off .. but not to far , its to little to go out on its own ,....

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: Re: O.K. You had lost me.

now i know what /who is who i love it
specialy the way you discribe the car ,, i , loved that

as to the fat ,,, i recycle it ,, never throw away ramblings ,,, you never know when a phrase or metaphor will become usefull ,, lol i have a floppy full of stupid ramblings... like ,..... silky sausages slipping over silvered pan ,,, or ,,,,, drunk as a skin of decomposed apples ... ...

sometimes i let my mind wonder off .. but not to far , its to little to go out on its own ,....

That's a good idea about saving phrases that could be used later. I like both of your examples. You really need to fit them into a poem, especially the one about apples.

 

[karmadog]

cut it away or hang on to it.

I use my Kirby's lipo attachment to remove fat from my belly, reverse the flow and inject it into my weasel for an outrageous chubby.

I guess you could say that it is a good case of whiskey dick.

In short, I hang on to it.

Oh you mean in writing? Cut it out. There's nothing worse than flabby writing.

 

[daughter]

Stubborn but not stupid

WE--

No, I'm not afraid to cut the fat. Convince me it makes sense, and I'll let go. I'm pretty opinionated, but not stupid. I want it right and right means being effective. Unnecessary words drain a read. I'm pretty long-winded so I have had plenty of practice of trimming the fat.

Words don't evaporate. Save the drafts. Revise till it says what you want or till it's time to put it aside. Accept that writing is a process. Hemmingway was one of the best writers of the twentieth century. Personally, I'm not crazy about his style, but I greatly admire his dedication to his craft.

Hemmingway effectively used a short, uncomplicated structure. The man was lean to the point of mercilessness. You don't need a lot of words. You need the right words. If a word or stanza isn't adding to the value of message, cut it. It's that simple.

Don't try to dazzle me with bullshit. Get to the point in a manner that makes sense. If you make me take the long route, you better take me down some damn fine path. Otherwise, I'll leave you walking down the trail alone.

Peace,

daughter

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Stubborn but not stupid

WE--

No, I'm not afraid to cut the fat. Convince me it makes sense, and I'll let go. I'm pretty opinionated, but not stupid.
Peace,

daughter

You're opinionated? lol
You know my minute maid poem at lotus? Well, I chopped a couple stanzas before I posted it. They weren't necessary, and I could tell that the poem read better without them. At one time, I would have had a difficult time getting rid of my words. I realize now that it's okay to gnaw off a toe to save a leg. (ick )

 

[daughter]

yeah

Guilty, gurl!

But I don't feel too bad about my flaws cause I admit 'em and I don't take myself too seriously. Now, I mean what I say, but I don't expect folks to agree with me. LOL

You "minute maid" poem is good. Glad you saved me an "Arggggggggggg".

You southern gals ain't wusses. I appreciate you have no problem tellin' me to back up.

Peace,

daughter