Do women grow tired of sex with just one person quicker than men?

[LMWM321]

Do women grow tired of sex with just one person quicker than men?

Here’s why I think this may be true:

In retirement communities, women who long ago quit having sex with their husbands often resume enjoying sex after he passes. And sometimes in spectacular fashion - ie., sex with lots of men. This phenomenon is known to many of the people who work at retirement homes, who know people who live in them and also to many of the Health Care Providers who treat this cohort of patients.

This leads me to wonder if women might actually be LESS naturally monogamous than men? In other words, do women need sexual variety more than men to keep their interest in sex alive? Men often point to menopause and aging as the reason why so many women call a halt to sex, but I think it may also be because women get sexually bored with just one person.

The fact that women have fewer affairs doesn’t disprove this. After all, women know they are likely to pay a much higher price for seeking sexual variety than men. If caught, they are far more apt to be beaten by a jealous spouse, to be left homeless, and to be shunned by family and friends.

So, rather than take those risks, many women just put sex on the shelf when it becomes joyless for them. ..Then pull if back off the shelf when circumstances - ie., new partners - allow for it.

Thoughts?

 

[geekyKT90]

This phenomenon is known to the many people who work at retirement homes, who know people who live in them and also the primary care Doctors who treat this cohort of patients.

This made me laugh. Happy April 1st.

 

[LMWM321]

This made me laugh. Happy April 1st.

I just realized the date. Sorry to say, I'm serous about the question. If I was going for an April Fool's prank, I would have ginned it up with a much more outrageous premise.

 

[Shaglus_Ziegler]

I think you’re basically right. Civilization has fucked all our minds and joyous natural ways. Glad to hear the ladies are getting wild. Might have to volunteer. Cheers

 

[hulmule]

The saying i was taught. Men love to have sex, woman have sex for love. But im sure there are a few women that enjoy sex. just not my wife. Menopause...

 

[Escierto]

You could be right. My ex wife has had so many "boyfriends", our children have told her not to bother introducing them unless she is serious lol. I am happy she is getting it.

 

[live4thebj]

No. If they are good in the sack then know.

 

[policywank]

Do women grow tired of sex with just one person quicker than men?

Here’s why I think this may be true:

In retirement communities, women who long ago quit having sex with their husbands often resume enjoying sex after he passes. And sometimes in spectacular fashion - ie., sex with lots of men. This phenomenon is known to the many people who work at retirement homes, who know people who live in them and also to the Health Care Providers who treat this cohort of patients.

This leads me to wonder if women might actually be LESS naturally monogamous than men? In other words, do women need sexual variety more than men to keep their interest in sex alive? Men often point to menopause and aging as the reason why so women call a halt to sex, but I think it may also be because women get sexually bored with just one person.

The fact that women have fewer affairs doesn’t disprove this. After all, women know they pay a much higher price for seeking sexual variety than men. In the wake of being caught, women are far more apt to be beaten by a jealous spouse, to be left homeless, and to be shunned by family and friends.

So, rather than take those risks, many women just put sex on the shelf when it becomes joyless for them. ..Perhaps to be reawakened when circumstances allow for it.

Thoughts?

I think that a lot of traditional thinking about female sexuality is distorted by environmental factors that historically affected female behaviour and confirmation bias of those seeking to understand it.

The premise that society applies a double standard and is far more harsh with women who cheat or who deviate from the expectation to be monogamous is so obvious and well established that I don't think further commentary on environmental factors (i.e. the societal environment in which women exist) is necessary. These factors clearly affect female behaviour in a way that doesn't necessarily reflect female sentiment and motivation.

So what about women's intrinsic nature. Traditional thinking has been that when men cheat it is for sexual pleasure but when women cheat it is for the personal/intimate connection. Alicia Walker is an author and sociologist who has done quite a bit of work on this topic and her findings were more or less the opposite. Her studies indicated that men who cheat are often seeking attention and validation. Meanwhile women who cheat are just as likely as men, if not more so, to be seeking sexual pleasure. Meanwhile when asked if they would be interested in an open marriage the women were more likely to say yes. Of course cheating and being non-monogamous aren't the same thing, but the findings speak to female nature and motivation.

So what about confirmation bias. It is quite common for men to think in terms of "if she was satisfied at home she wouldn't cheat" even though their views change when the roles are reversed. They completely understand a man's desire for sexual variety even if he has a sexy engaging wife. It becomes an ego thing rooted in stereotypes. Many men have convinced themselves that a wife's desire to have sex with another man reflects negatively on the sexual experience she has with him. In fact, he'd rather believe it was because he was being insensitive or inattentive so that is often the narrative men create. Again I recognize that cheating and non-monogamy are not synonymous, but I am addressing men's bias. They do not want to believe that women could have the same desire (or more) for sexual variety as men do. That is a very disconcerting thought for a man who's ego relies heavily on his wife's fidelity and who understands (even if only subconsciously) she could find other sexual partners far more easily than he could.

All that is to make the case that many of our assumptions about women being wired differently and therefore more inclined towards monogamy is flawed. So, let's drop that and start from a neutral position. From there it makes perfect sense to me that women might be less inclined towards monogamy than men. The female orgasm is somewhat more elusive and complex than the male orgasm. That is partly physical but that also feeds into a greater need for mental and emotional stimulation and those are the things (as opposed to pure physical stimulus) that may dull or fade with time and familiarity. Meanwhile we have more opportunity to engage in sex with multiple men and when we do so we are more able to have those interactions on our terms. Arguably women have more motivation to be non-monogamous and we almost certainly have more opportunity to do so and on our terms.

 

[LMWM321]

A great post, @policywank .

As someone in a somewhat asymetrical relationship (no judgment whatsoever) do you find that your desire for your primary partner is actually buoyed by your sexual activity with other men? And conversely, if you had less sex with other men would you then be having less/ no sex with your primary partner because your overall libido is diminished? I know these are theoretical questions because you wouldn't be in a such a relationship. But try to assume you are just for the sake of discussion.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I was promiscuous before I was married.. Like a true "slut" ...
Was with the same man for 12 years before I left him. Same cock for 12 years.

As soon as I left him, I went back to promiscuity.

 

[Wonderer67]

My wife is solidly monogamous, sadly.

We have a great sex life, but I would love to have additional partners and would love it if she did too.

But it is not to be.

We manage to keep things interesting tho!

 

[OralAllOver]

Do women grow tired of sex with just one person quicker than men?

Here’s why I think this may be true:

In retirement communities, women who long ago quit having sex with their husbands often resume enjoying sex after he passes. And sometimes in spectacular fashion - ie., sex with lots of men. This phenomenon is known to the many people who work at retirement homes, who know people who live in them and also to the Health Care Providers who treat this cohort of patients.

This leads me to wonder if women might actually be LESS naturally monogamous than men? In other words, do women need sexual variety more than men to keep their interest in sex alive? Men often point to menopause and aging as the reason why so many women call a halt to sex, but I think it may also be because women get sexually bored with just one person.

The fact that women have fewer affairs doesn’t disprove this. After all, women know they pay a much higher price for seeking sexual variety than men. In the wake of being caught, women are far more apt to be beaten by a jealous spouse, to be left homeless, and to be shunned by family and friends.

So, rather than take those risks, many women just put sex on the shelf when it becomes joyless for them. ..Perhaps to be reawakened when circumstances - ie., new partners - allow for it.

Thoughts?

Generally: No, heck no
Guys have urge for strange early and often
Which btw does not mean that r helpless to do otherwise. It's a commitment

 

[magicalmoments]

One thing to bear in mind when considering this question is that the women who are entering retirement villages at this current time, largely matured, became sexually active during what is now known as the "summer of love". They reached adolescence and teenage years in the 60s and 70s. They were the first generation to have more or less open access to contraceptive pills. They, as a group, were more sexually adventurous than any other generation of women before them.

Then they settled into domestic bliss, lived the monogamous lives, got bored with sex with hubby and stopped participating. But the adventurous girl from the 60s and 70s is still inside her and just needs a trigger to being her back.

Retirement homes offer an environment that is not a lot different from their days of sexually liberation back in high school and college. All of a sudden things have changed...

 

[Boat1]

Do women grow tired of sex with just one person quicker than men?

Here’s why I think this may be true:

In retirement communities, women who long ago quit having sex with their husbands often resume enjoying sex after he passes. And sometimes in spectacular fashion - ie., sex with lots of men. This phenomenon is known to the many people who work at retirement homes, who know people who live in them and also to the Health Care Providers who treat this cohort of patients.

This leads me to wonder if women might actually be LESS naturally monogamous than men? In other words, do women need sexual variety more than men to keep their interest in sex alive? Men often point to menopause and aging as the reason why so many women call a halt to sex, but I think it may also be because women get sexually bored with just one person.

The fact that women have fewer affairs doesn’t disprove this. After all, women know they pay a much higher price for seeking sexual variety than men. In the wake of being caught, women are far more apt to be beaten by a jealous spouse, to be left homeless, and to be shunned by family and friends.

So, rather than take those risks, many women just put sex on the shelf when it becomes joyless for them. ..Perhaps to be reawakened when circumstances - ie., new partners - allow for it.

Thoughts?

I'd say the answer to that very much depends on the man.

 

[MeganFachs]

Before I got married I had periods of monogamy when I was serious with the guy and periods of being with more than one man (or woman) in more casual relationships. I always felt when it was love vs just sex. Got married and was monogamous for ten years with no plan to be otherwise even though the sex was average: because average sex with love was really enough. Almost two years ago, things changed (see my thread So… that happened) and my husband’s willingness to play the male role in our sexual activities diminished rapidly and he soon encouraged me to find satisfaction elsewhere. That wasn’t my initial choice but I eventually did so and my sex life still includes my husband (in very special ways only) but also several casual relationships, some lasting months or even ongoing.

I never sought to break our monogamy but I find it highly satisfying now that I do.

 

[LMWM321]

Meanwhile we have more opportunity to engage in sex with multiple men and when we do so we are more able to have those interactions on our terms. Arguably women ahem more motivation to be non-monogamous and we almost certainly have more opportunity to do so and on our terms.

This is obviously true. An average looking women could take a seat at an upscale hotel bar and end up leaving with a man 10 nights out of 10 - and often with a guy who is objectively more attractive than she is. ..Your average looking guy, however, would have no such luck hooking up with a more attractive women - also probably 10 out of 10 days.

But I can't help but wonder if part of it is men have a much stronger libido to begin with. So even after familiarity and loss of mystery have taken it's toll on a long-term relationship or marriage, the guy is still PLENTY horny for his partner while those same detractions have left the woman preferring to just not have sex any more. ...But if the newness and mystery of sex is brought back - vis-à-vis a "new partner" - her interest in sex may come back. And the question I'm asking you is: If it does come back, does it reinvigorate her interest in her primary partner as well?

I do believe both of these things can be true: Women can (generally speaking) have weaker libidos AND also be less naturally monogamous than men.

 

[policywank]

A great post, @policywank .

As someone in a somewhat asymetrical relationship (no judgment whatsoever) do you find that your desire for your primary partner is actually buoyed by your sexual activity with other men? And conversely, if you had less sex with other men would you then be having less/ no sex with your primary partner because your overall libido is diminished? I know these are theoretical questions because you wouldn't be in a such a relationship. But try to assume you are just for the sake of discussion.

Yes I think that both propositions are correct.

The fact that I have a diverse sex life increases my level of engagement and enjoyment. My husband benefits in terms of my desire to have sex with him because my interest in sex generally is heightened. But also I have a strong inclination to make sure that his needs are met. It isn't an obligation thing. It is more a matter of being appreciative of how he supports my choices and genuinely wanting to reciprocate his generous spirit. And any time I may be inclined to make an excuse not to have sex there is a voice in my head that reminds me of how accepting he is. That doesn't mean I always have sex with him in those circumstance, but I often do and almost always end up enjoying myself and being happy that I didn't let whatever hesitation I may have had (usually something that has nothing to do with him) stand in the way. Finally, he is very much engaged with my sexual exploits which adds a whole other dimension.

If I did not have the latitude to have sex with other men there would be less excitement in my sex life. I wouldn't go as far as saying I would get bored, but maybe that is just semantics or a matter of degrees. I would still enjoy sex with my husband, but by definition it would lack the variety and new experiences that come with a more varied and active sex life.

I often think of sex and sexual partners a bit like food. Even if I do have a favourite restaurant or dish I wouldn't want it all the time. As it happens my husband and I do have a favourite restaurant and we go there quite often. But it is easy to imagine times when I am tired or maybe had a long day or am just not in the right headspace such that even my favourite place doesn't inspire me. But if hubby suggests a new place that we haven't been before or one that we like (even if not as much as my favourite spot) but haven't been to in a while I may find that more inspiring in that moment. And the fact that we do like to be adventurous with our culinary experiences casts the whole thing in a different light. I feel as though I am free to explore what I want and that expands my interest in all culinary and sexual experiences.

The matter of my level of libido is an interesting one. Again kind of like my favourite restaurant. If my interest in sex with the same man or eating at the same restaurant as always is diminished does that mean my level of interest in sex or eating out at restaurants has diminished? Or is my overall interest the same (or perhaps even greater), but my interest in the specific experiences available to me are diminished? Not to be unkind, but I have often said that when men complain that their wife has lost interest in sex that it may not be that she has lost interest in sex, but rather sex with him.

 

[policywank]

This is obviously true. An average looking women could take a seat at an upscale hotel bar and end up leaving with a man 10 nights out of 10 - and often with a guy who is objectively more attractive than she is. ..Your average looking guy, however, would have no such luck hooking up with a more attractive women - also probably 10 out of 10 days.

But I can't help but wonder if part of it is men have a much stronger libido to begin with. So even after familiarity and loss of mystery have taken it's toll on a long-term relationship or marriage, the guy is still PLENTY horny for his partner while those same detractions have left the woman preferring to just not have sex any more. ...But if the newness and mystery of sex is brought back - vis-à-vis a "new partner" - her interest in sex may come back. And the question I'm asking you is: If it does come back, does it reinvigorate her interest in her primary partner as well?

I do believe both of these things can be true: Women can (generally speaking) have weaker libidos AND also be less naturally monogamous than men.

I think that it is difficult to say definitively that men have a stronger libido than women. I am not saying it is wrong. It is just that our sexual experiences and the societal environment in which we exist are just so different that comparisons are difficult and full of 'noise' (complicating factors).

It may be the case that men's level of horniness is so much stronger that it lasts longer into the marriage. I think that it might also be that the men's orgasms are simpler and more consistently achievable? For most men if his sex organs are functioning his wife can get him off consistently if she so chooses. Maybe not 100% of the time but with much greater consistently than the reverse. Let's face it there are good blowjobs and not so good blowjobs but if I keep at it you are gonna cum the vast majority of the time. It just isn't so for women. So, for the guys something like a 90%+ success rate of sexual pleasure holds their interest. But for the women if that success rate of sexual pleasure starts to drop off not only are her positive experiences diminished, but she starts to be presented with the prospect of negative experiences - perhaps not nasty, but maybe awkward or being faced with the prospect of faking it or hurting her husband's feelings or having to manage his insecurities.

Whether it is because we have weaker libidos or because our pleasure is a bit more complex and elusive it is natural for us to be less inclined towards monogamy when it comes to our sexual desires and pursuit of sexual pleasure (as opposed to other practical considerations). A new partner is quite likely to reinvigorate the sexual desires of either a man or a woman. But it seems that for women it is more likely to have diminished in the first place (for whatever reason) and I do think that will also reinvigorate her interest in her primary partner.

The exception would be if her interest in her primary partner had diminished for more specific reasons related to him such that he had become objectively less attractive as opposed to the newness and mystery having given way to familiarity.

 

[policywank]

Another thing that I have stated on occasion is as follows. Suppose we have a couple who are making real efforts to be attentive to one another's sexual needs - so neglect or disinterest on the part of one partner is not a factor. In that scenario is still perfectly natural that either partner may want to be non-monogamous to expand their sexual horizons. But in most cases it is only the woman who might need to be non-monogamous to achieve sexual fulfillment.

Even if a man grows tired of his wife as a sexual partner, it is far less likely that she will be unable to get him off than vice versa. That isn't meant as a slam on men. It is just how women are.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I think that for women who wish to seek and embrace sexual pleasure it is natural for them to be less monogamous than men for the reason Policywank has stated. The fact that male dominated society has devoted so much energy to characterizing female sexuality otherwise and is so hostile towards seeing it as it is just reinforces my view.

The retirement residence example fits with the patterns of our society. Women who are in retirement residences now are likely to have grown up in a fairly conservative environment where monogamous marriage was the only realistically viable path. As another commenter noted some of these folks may have grown up in the 60's and 70's, which was a time of increased liberalization. But many/most did not participate in that liberalization, which was revolutionary compared to the preceding decades but relatively tame compare to today. At best they got a bit of a taste of that liberalization before settling into more traditional lives.

Whether they experienced that period of liberalization themselves or just saw it on TV they soon found themselves following a traditional path. Some probably lived contented monogamous lives with no regrets while others may have regretted their choice of mate or the lack of adventure they sought. In any case, if they suddenly find themselves single later in life it would be natural for a woman to want to explore her sexuality rather than jumping right back into monogamy.

A man might as well. But he was not as constrained by society when he was younger so may feel less like he simply never tried things because they were forbidden. And he is probably more aware of his limited options and at that age, capacity. After all those decades I expect that some of the fallacies about female sexuality and inclination towards monogamy have started to fall away.

 

[LMWM321]

I think that it is difficult to say definitively that men have a stronger libido than women.

Agreed. One reason I believe this is because women masturbate far less often than men - or, so I have read.. Of course, some of that may be a reflection of social programming - i.e., women are raised to believe that it’s shameful behavior. But I think that faded long enough ago that the disparity reflects something else. …Like just a lesser need for near constant sexual gratification.

But again, I’m not as convinced of that as I am that women are, at their core, somewhat less monogamous.

 

[aya_amano]

I think it depends on the person.
My parents are very open about sex. They have an open marriage.
I never had just one boyfriend. And I was open about that to them.
I met a few who didn't like that so that never lasted long.
Now all my fwbs know that I sleep with other men. And they all accept it.

I really can't see myself just having one man...

 

[policywank]

Agreed. One reason I believe this is because women masturbate far less often than men - or, so I have read.. Of course, some of that may be a reflection of social programming - i.e., women are raised to leave that it’s shameful behavior. But I think that faded long enough ago that the disparity reflects something else. …Like just a lesser need for near constant sexual gratification.

But again, I’m not as convinced of that as I am that women are, at their core, somewhat less monogamous.

I think women are probably less inclined than men are to just rub one out anywhere and anytime. But I would say that is at least in part because of the difference in the nature of our orgasms - including the fact that we don't have as much of a hair trigger physical response that men can have (lol) - as opposed to having a lower libido. But who knows.

 

[Noor]

I don’t get tired of sex with just one person. I like sex, I like a lot of sex.
Things that affect sex with me are problems in the relationship, not enough sleep, reacting to them because they used a product I react to, my being too ill, being rushed, mice, liver doesn’t smell right ( this could be them or it could be my sense of smell at the time), either of us not being clean

 

[Jcam1980s]

I sometimes wish my wife would I'd LOVE to watch her with different men