Do we. . . "come out"?

[MellowTone]

I have been having this feeling like I want to tell my family and close friends that I'm a sub. Is that a thing that happens to everyone? I'm sure they don't want to hear about it. I tested the waters with a couple of close friends yesterday and they were not really having it. I don't know why I feel so compelled to tell them, when it really probably won't impact them at all. I guess it's about being proud of who I am and wanting to share that. Having that thought is what made me think of the phrase "coming out." Thoughts? Wisdom? Experience?

 

[Setanta84]

Um, I think "coming out" about being into playing with power dynamics crosses the line from informing friends and family about things that are essential about you--this is why I this guy/girl/transsexual is coming to dinner--to basically making people unwilling participants in your lifestyle. There really is zero reason to discuss EXACTLY what you want in bed with anyone who is not a potential or current sexual partner.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Since you are in a sub frenzy (based on what has been said in other posts), I suggest that you not make any dramatic changes in your life until you come down and get a little more grounded. Disclosing this new found information could be a dramatic change in your life because it can alienate those who don't understand or even want to try to understand.

Another way I've looked at it is that I have never, ever explicitly discussed what I do in bed with my family and friends. Sure, over wine with my female friends I might say "he has this move he makes that sends me over the edge." But I don't go into "first he slid into me, then he rocked his hips, etc." type detail. Just like I wouldn't go into that kind of vanilla detail with family or friends, I wouldn't go into other sexual details about what I do with my partner.

I also think long-term about disclosing information. It could potentially hurt my career (or career prospects if you are younger) if I were "out" because there are many people who just don't understand. So for that reason, I also don't say anything except to my sexual partner.

Having a secret is also kind of fun - isn't it?

 

[MellowTone]

Hmmm, I better clarify I am not considering sharing the blow-by-blow of my sex life. I have a few people close to me, a mix of friends and family, with whom I have always been very open about my sexuality. It has been one of my life's bigger challenges to get comfortable in my own skin sexually, and my best girl friends have had similar challenges. We've always been there for each other when a breakthrough or setback happens. So, it isn't really outside the norm (within this select group) for me to be like "wow - huge piece of the puzzle just fell into place."

I do appreciate the warnings about making people uncomfortable, risking future awkwardness in social/professional settings, and in general making impulsive frenzy-driven decisions. I'm very grateful to have people in the Internet to help me through this Thank you so much.

 

[MellowTone]

Oh! And yes. Having a secret is fun

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

But realize that some people don't/can't/won't understand what it means no matter how much you explain.

 

[MellowTone]

That's true. I feel sad for the people who don't get it, because I love it so much. Of course, to each their own.

Here's a giggle - I just had this exchange with my dad:
Me: I am in the throes if a downright insane sexual awakening. I know it's awkward to bring it up but it's all I can think about.
Dad: Sweetie - I'm not surprised. Been a long time coming, if you'll pardon the phrase.

HA

 

[KoPilot]

Yeah people that get really excited about a New Thing will usually want to talk about it all the time, to everybody, and never shut up no matter how much the people around them would wish they did.

Oh, I mean... yeah, whatever, do what you want. It's a free country.

 

[MellowTone]

Hmmm. I'm picking up on some very subtle hints that this may not be regarded as my best idea.

 

[CutieMouse]

Hmmm. I'm picking up on some very subtle hints that this may not be regarded as my best idea.

It's pretty common to go through a phase of

"ZOMG EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT I AM!!! IF I DON'T COME OUT I'LL BE LIVING A LIE!!!!!" *cue music*

when first exploring things. It's kinda like the sick lovey-poo stage of having a new boyfriend/girlfriend, times 10,000.

Yes, it's amazing and empowering blahblahblah to feel that little "click" when things start to fall into place. Suddenly everything seems more sparkly and you see kink everywhere. However, what benefits do you get from acknowledging anything more than "Seeing someone new; we seem to really understand each other well. He makes me happy." ?? And why does anyone need to know more than "we get each other/he makes me happy"?

 

[MellowTone]

It's pretty common to go through a phase of

"ZOMG EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT I AM!!! IF I DON'T COME OUT I'LL BE LIVING A LIE!!!!!" *cue music*

when first exploring things. It's kinda like the sick lovey-poo stage of having a new boyfriend/girlfriend, times 10,000.

Yes, it's amazing and empowering blahblahblah to feel that little "click" when things start to fall into place. Suddenly everything seems more sparkly and you see kink everywhere. However, what benefits do you get from acknowledging anything more than "Seeing someone new; we seem to really understand each other well. He makes me happy." ?? And why does anyone need to know more than "we get each other/he makes me happy"?

I feel ya. And I appreciate your patient delivery of that message I have calmed down about the whole idea. So glad I am not navigating trough this totally alone.

 

[subwannabe]

Keep it to yourself. You have already tested the waters and that didn't work out too well, not to mention you yourself said, "I'm sure they don't want to hear about it". You're probably right.

 

[Tryharder62]

?

Maybe find some friends that are in the lifestyle. There are places to go to find them. That way you could share with people who understand like on lit but not share with those who don't get it.

 

[KoPilot]

Hmmm. I'm picking up on some very subtle hints that this may not be regarded as my best idea.

Yeah well, it's pretty irritating from the outside. Yeah sure, people are going to be happy that you're happy but then it just gets to the point where it's nothing but a selfish act. Also, I've had friends do this way back when with a new movie or band or something, and it's like... "Seriously? Your entire existence boils down to this one little thing now? What happened to being multi-faceted and... interesting?"

ETA: As a note, it is possible that this is the beginning of a new direction in life for you, as there's a chance you could end up becoming a fixture in your local community as an educator or what have you (but this is the sort of thing you generally figure out after all the frenzy dies down and you invest many years in it), and if winds up becoming a huge part of your life (and lifestyle!) either as your primary hobby and community, or as a form of income, then yeah, "coming out" is probably going to be a wise, if not necessary, decision with some of your relationships.

 

[njlauren]

My answer is to ask yourself the question "what am I achieving by coming out", is there some reason to. The glow you are feeling is common, you found something new you love and you want to share it, much as those in the first phases of a relationship often can drive others nuts because they are just so up there.

In one sense it is analogous (but not the same) as coming out to people as gay and lesbian or trans or whatever, it is about context (and again, they aren't the same, for a number of reasons). My therapist was a gay woman and she said that in her life, coming out depended on the person. If she went to the store and talked to the salesgirl being gay wasn't relevant, if she met someone casually at a party kind of thing, it wasn't important, when she met her kids gf's/bf's, etc, it wasn't exactly something she led with. As a therapist it would only be relevant if it was to the patient (if the patient was glbt, or otherwise had issues of being out there about themselves, for example).

If you are with a bunch of girlfriends and they are talking about their sex lives, it may be relevant (depends too on how open they are, if their idea of hot sex is to do it with the lights on, well.... It might be relevant if you get into a situation where someone is talking out of their ass about people into the scene, but again, that could have consequences for you.

To be honest, I think most people wouldn't care or want to hear, any more then they want to hear how big your bf's dick or how big you gf's tits are, they just don't care. On the other hand, if you get the feeling someone themselves is into it, or seems to have questions, then it may be good to come out, but to do so judiciously....as my therapist told my spouse about fears of being seen, for example, at an S/M club by someone you know, the answer there is what were they doing there? *shrug*...other then maybe the Vault in NYC in its last, sad days up in the 50's, when it became a kind of weird tourist attraction, most people who go there go for a reason...likewise, if someone starts opening the door, it usually means there is interest or they are into it....

 

[FireKrystals]

my advice, be careful about what you disclose, or how much. Think before you speak. Remember the friends you love and family members, may not be able to accept that you "WILLINGLY" like it and like being whipped, chained, flogged, etc etc. They might think it's a cry for help and try to stop you or hinder you. Maybe test the waters first by saying
"(friends name here) have you ever been tied up, spanked, or anything? I'm thinking about testing the waters and want some advice"
This way you kind of gauge their reaction on how they'll react, and maybe find a kindred someone. Then maybe say "Well, (dom name without the dom part) tried this (vaugue idea no details) and I liked it, and I liked it but I'm not sure if that's normal etc etc

Course here is a total cope out DRUMROLL.....least its good for something ^_^ still can't believe they making a movie *vomit face*

"Hey (friend or parent) have you read that 50 shades of gray stuff? The stuff sounds interesting, have any of you tried anything like that? I think it might be something I like"

 

[Redkate]

I almost "came out" to a group of girlfriends from school (I'm 30 now) at a get together last night. Drinks were flowing and 50 Shades was brought up.

After biting my tongue during the conversation, they then started talking about seeing a website for a friend of a friend who was a dominatrix and they were horrified by the services offered by her to men. They assumed there was something wrong with a man if he wanted to be fisted or enjoyed cock torture. I kind of lost it and went on a diatribe about how they shouldn't judge them because its something that they enjoy and its a normal practice for some.

The first thing out of their mouths was "How do you know this?" Again the horror and judgement were clear on their faces. My answer: "I just read a lot."

The fact is they didn't really want to know. I have one vanilla friend who knows about what I enjoy, the rest, wouldn't understand or care to.

I was disappointed in them really, considering that they like to think of themselves as intellectual, liberal minded people. It hurt that they were so judgmental of it. So if you do want to tell people, be prepared for a negative reaction.

 

[MellowTone]

Oh my gosh, thank you all so much for responding! I really appreciate your time and advice. I managed to make it through the day without assaulting any of my friends or family with my new epiphanies I owe that in part to you all for giving me a place to share/vent/beta test, which has made this so much easier. I plan on waiting a while (read: until I can think clearly again. ('cause that's still not so much happening) ) before I really consider the idea of coming out again. I'll still no doubt be posting here, though!

I had some friendly advice from a community member to keep all of my questions in one thread, so I think I will do that in my sub frenzy post. If you're wondering how it's going for me, that'll be the place to check!

 

[seela]

I remember feeling much the same when I first got in a D/s relationship. I had known I'm submissive pretty much always and sexually things have never really been vanilla to me. Still, when I got in a relationship, where the D/s part extended beyond bedroom, I wanted to tell everyone about it. It was an epiphany of sorts and I felt it was too important a thing to not let my loved ones know about. You know, I felt like they need to know in order to actually know me.

I don't think I ever actually told anyone then. I realized pretty soon that no one really needs to know, and a that a lot of my friends actually wouldn't want to know. All they were concerned about was that I'm happy, and clearly I was. The relationship didn't last very long, only about a year, and in hindsight I was glad I hadn't told anyone about the state of our relationship.

I've been in my current relationship for about 6 years, and there are still only very few people who I've spoken with in any BDSM terms. When people give me the blank stare sometimes when I check if something (seemingly trivial) is ok to him, I just say that we like to have a clear head of household and that's that. The sex part is purely something other people don't need to know as it doesn't really concern them. Besides I know some people would be very uncomfortable with knowing something like that about me.

I talk about things openly if I'm asked, but I don't provide information about my relationship willingly. I've hardly met anyone truly judgemental about my way of life, but I just don't think it's anybody's business. On the outside our relationship just looks like a traditional, old-fashioned male led relationship. Absolutely nothing to come out about, there.

 

[Kurokami]

It's strange, I've never really had this desire to talk to people about my kinks until recently. I mean, others have known in a vague kind of way; some friends and stuff, but it's never really been something I felt the need to share. Not really interested in discussing my bedroom habits with someone if they're not going to follow me into the bedroom to see for themselves, I guess. Ironically, Fifty Shades kind of changed that.

That damn book's gotten people in my family talking, and it's my natural impulse to want to correct some of the misunderstandings that have come up. But I've always got to wonder exactly how much to give away; my sister and I have talked at length about the book from a literary standpoint, both of us trashing it... and I feel like I might have come away as a little too knowledgeable about the technical side for my own good. I try to present as neutral yet informed, but I might be slipping a bit. Nobody's brought it up yet, at any rate.

Anyway, I still subscribe to the "if you wouldn't talk to them about sex, don't talk to them about kink" school of thought for the most part. Fifty Shades is one thing, but otherwise, well... would you be talking to your parents about your sex life if you were vanilla?

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

My Grandmother use to say if you wouldn't do it in front of them, then you don't need to talk to them about it. It's been pretty sound advice for me so far.

 

[xssve]

Uh, do you normally tell your family all about your sex life? Do they consult you about theirs?

I guess if you wear a dog collar and a tutu in public some explanation might be demanded, otherwise, of of sight, out of mind.

Otherwise, it sounds to me like some kind of attention sluttery.

 

[ownedsubgal]

in debating whether or not to "come out," whatever the lifestyle, it would be wise to ask yourself these questions:

"is this my LIFE?"...in other words, is this your day to day functioning and existing?

"does this make my life markedly different from most and/or those close to me?"...is your day to day existence so far outside your culture's norm that others will wonder and worry? seela described having no need to "come out" regarding her lifestyle because it appears to be just a traditional male-led relationship. but in certain cultures and communities, that alone would be enough to cause a stir and have family/friends very concerned.

and lastly, "is this basically just my SEX life?"...if you take away any and everything involving genitalia, arousal, or erotic pleasure...is there anything really left to tell?

if there is a resounding "yes" to the first two questions...coming out makes sense and may make life a bit easier. if the honest response to the third question is "yes," then face the face that there is nothing to "come out" about and recognize the aptly named "attention sluttery" for what it is.

 

[FurryFury]

I agree that there is little reason for some to tell anyone not a potential sex partner about their sex life EXCEPT if you feel it's a big essential part of you some want to come out. Those that are gay for instance, why is it such a big deal to come out? It's only about sex after all right?

Wrong. It's about living life out in the open instead of hiding in the closet. It's about asking to be accepted as you fully are. It is important to those it's important to.

We should all be able to live an open life without fear of being hated for who and what we are. Our society doesn't work that way but it's a worthwhile goal.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Those that are gay for instance, why is it such a big deal to come out? It's only about sex after all right?

Wrong.