Do other men feel a need to be... attractive?

[theMasterBaiter]

So... I'm not ugly. I'm also not a male model by any stretch. I'm past 50 and generally trim, but not what you would call beefcake. Imagine a strict German clock maker... that's pretty much me.

And I'm happily married, I get all the sex I want, and I have no interest in affairs.

But more and more in my life, I find myself wanting to be... desired... not necessarily for my looks, certainly not for money, but for... myself. I would like to be told that I'm attractive.

I'm not asking you to do that, LOL... you don't know me, so it wouldn't mean anything. You could read my stories, and get to know me a little from that, but it's not the point at all.

What I'm wondering, what I'm asking here is:

Do other men feel that way?

Why doesn't our society tend to tell MEN when they are attractive they way we are (over the top, way to often, far too intrusively) telling women they are attractive?

Has anyone told a man that they were hot? And if so, did it go well, or go wrong?

In the last, probably 20, years, I've had exactly one person tell me they were attracted to me (other than my wife) and it was a guy... which I really enjoyed, because I'm somewhat bi, and because he was hot. We have a little flirting game with each other, but I would NEVER want to be in a relationship with him (hot mess) and I certainly would not want to cheat on my wife. I've told her about it, and I respect that she isn't comfortable with us playing with him, so that's the end of it.

I think (I delude myself?) that there are women I know who find me attractive. I sing lead in an non-professional but actively gigging rock band (at my age! how amazing is that?) and I'm fairly well respected in my community, volunteer work, etc... There are a few very pretty young ladies who regularly give me a big hug when they see me. And quite a few older pretty ladies.

But I imagine no women would feel comfortable telling me I turn them on, even if that were the case. I wish they could... I wish they believed that I wouldn't get obsessed with them or go all stalker or even think about cheating with them.

With a woman, there are so many ways to show appreciation. "Goodness, that is a lovely dress!", "Why, Ms Milf, you look radiant today!", etc... and one can be sure they understand the complement. Hopefully without feeling threatened or objectified... much... But does anyone do that with a man?

I don't remember anyone ever saying "Hey, looking good today!" or "You're always such a sharp dresser" or "Your voice was so moving when you sang that song".

I've never heard anyone say anything like that.

Be kind and tell me it's because our society does't allow it, so I can feel sexy anyway.

 

[Sugarfoot10]

I always complemented my husband, on his dress and his writings etc. He get's complements weekly but it is never enough. He rarely gives out a complement. But that doesn't answer your question.....I have no answer.

 

[coacheric]

Yes other men feel this way. I do all the time. It's not weakness to want to know your attractive. I more so say that I just want to know I'm wanted. Not just for a paycheck or to fix the shower but to actually have a woman want to hear from me. For me to talk to them each week.

Even being married I find this lacking for me. Does she love me, yes. Is she in love with me...I don't know anymore. And my compliments fall into deaf ears each and every time. And her compliments never come

 

[policywank]

I think men do get short changed on this front. As young women we are conditioned to believe that men are just happy we show up looking pretty and let them do intimate stuff with us. Stereotypes and pop culture actively promote the notion of knuckle dragging men who don't care what they look like or the sexual pleasure of their female partners (other than as an affirmation of their manhood).

Most of the men I have been with aren't that way. They want to be desired. Whether that is visual, mental, social, sexual or whatever they want to be with women who see them as attractive and desirable.

I have been with many men, especially mature men, who other women saw as disinterested. Instead of behaving like bait that they should chase I made clear my desire. Let me tell you, they were not disinterested.

One married man I was seeing had gotten to the point of telling his wife "if you are just going through the motions for me I would rather hire a prostitute who is more convincing and doesn't leave me feeling like a charity case." Another whose husband I was fucking confronted me but ended up in tears asking what I did that was so special. I don't have any special moves. I treated him like he was special, told him what I like about him and when we are together I care more about appealing to him than everyone else who might judge me. This may be unfairly judgmental but nobody here knows her - she was the type who worried more about what other women think of her than what the man she is with thinks.

 

[tw63]

As a man

As a man past my prime (and my 40's) I'm acutely aware that I don't have that new car look any more. I am embaressed to admit I am self conscious about my appearance. I hadn't really processed that till I read this thread. I guess I'm normal after all.

 

[suckonsimon]

Hey Master Baiter! Let me say very well expressed!

The cultural constraints on this one probably vary quite a lot around 'western' societies let alone around the globe. Here in the north east of England there is a little more freedom for women to comment on men, I think. I have enjoyed that. I would go so far as to say, "I needed that". So, I'm with you.

One of the things I really value about Lit - and the extraordinary way in which we do get quite close to people - is women expressing appreciation of me, most especially my personality, but also my physique as I have posted pics of myself in a lot of threads. Warm comments - the occasional adoring comment! - are delightful to receive!

Adding here in light of others' posts: My woman had been good to me with saying beautiful things to me over the years. I am aware that these things, even if thought, are often not said anymore, in long marriages. That is a deep loss for both parties. A married person needs to be "cherished" if love is to flourish to the full. Can that magic of the romantic be restored if it's been lost? Surely there is a way, at least in many if not all cases.

 

[Icy1]

This was a thought provoking subject for me.
I know other men feel that same way.
I think it's human nature to want to be desired or thought a catch by people other than your partner, whether you're male or female.

I'm not sure it's still easier to compliment women than men. There's a level of political correctness to adhere to. And people are often nervous to say the wrong thing. Also when time passes and maybe we feel less confident in our appearance we may be less likely to be able to believe a compliment.

I can say to a male friend "you look good today" or "that colour really suits you" I'm not sure how helpful that is though.
Maybe it makes a person feel noticed and less invisible.

I have a great relationship I feel valued and desired every day.
I asked my husband after reading this thread if he felt desired by me.
I held my breath a little as I awaited his answer hoping he was going to say that he did. I felt like we have a good balance within our relationship when he said he only had to look into my eyes to feel it.

Having said that I know I like to hear a compliment from someone else and I'm sure he does too.
I think it makes us feel good to be valued for who we are outside of our relationship.

 

[JRPerrone]

So... I'm not ugly. I'm also not a male model by any stretch. I'm past 50 and generally trim, but not what you would call beefcake. Imagine a strict German clock maker... that's pretty much me.

And I'm happily married, I get all the sex I want, and I have no interest in affairs.

But more and more in my life, I find myself wanting to be... desired... not necessarily for my looks, certainly not for money, but for... myself. I would like to be told that I'm attractive.

I'm not asking you to do that, LOL... you don't know me, so it wouldn't mean anything. You could read my stories, and get to know me a little from that, but it's not the point at all.

What I'm wondering, what I'm asking here is:

Do other men feel that way?

Why doesn't our society tend to tell MEN when they are attractive they way we are (over the top, way to often, far too intrusively) telling women they are attractive?

Has anyone told a man that they were hot? And if so, did it go well, or go wrong?

In the last, probably 20, years, I've had exactly one person tell me they were attracted to me (other than my wife) and it was a guy... which I really enjoyed, because I'm somewhat bi, and because he was hot. We have a little flirting game with each other, but I would NEVER want to be in a relationship with him (hot mess) and I certainly would not want to cheat on my wife. I've told her about it, and I respect that she isn't comfortable with us playing with him, so that's the end of it.

I think (I delude myself?) that there are women I know who find me attractive. I sing lead in an non-professional but actively gigging rock band (at my age! how amazing is that?) and I'm fairly well respected in my community, volunteer work, etc... There are a few very pretty young ladies who regularly give me a big hug when they see me. And quite a few older pretty ladies.

But I imagine no women would feel comfortable telling me I turn them on, even if that were the case. I wish they could... I wish they believed that I wouldn't get obsessed with them or go all stalker or even think about cheating with them.

With a woman, there are so many ways to show appreciation. "Goodness, that is a lovely dress!", "Why, Ms Milf, you look radiant today!", etc... and one can be sure they understand the complement. Hopefully without feeling threatened or objectified... much... But does anyone do that with a man?

I don't remember anyone ever saying "Hey, looking good today!" or "You're always such a sharp dresser" or "Your voice was so moving when you sang that song".

I've never heard anyone say anything like that.

Be kind and tell me it's because our society does't allow it, so I can feel sexy anyway.

I absolutely feel the need to be attractive and be told so.

I came here to Lit as an author, but several months ago wandered down to the more "personal" forums.

I had been feeling like I had reached the point where no one would ever find me attractive again and it really hurt.

Then I decided to do something about it. I started a picture thread in the Ampics forum and at the same time, embarked on a program of fitness and diet to be the best I could be. To my surprise, the wonderful ladies there told me I was already sexy. Now, they may have been just humoring me, but it felt great.

My fitness program has been very successful and now I am confident that there are at least a few women that find me attractive and they tell me so regularly.

Now I am not suggesting it is necessary to be buff for women to find you attractive, it is just the path I took because it was something I knew I could control.

If you are brave enough, perhaps start your own picture thread down in Ampics. As one lovely lady told me, there are all sorts of body types that are appreciated and lusted after here, not just the stereotypical male model types.
I'm betting there are "clockmaker" fans.

 

[Kittyscave]

This is a wonderful thread. Thank you, OP.

I believe, really that this sentiment is shared, by and large, by the majority of people over 40 - men and women. Perhaps we get settled in our relationships and taken for granted, perhaps the "new" veneer wears off and we are no longer nubile sex-kittens or stallions, and most likely, as others have stated, we gain our societal value in ways other than reproductive as we age, so the physical is often overlooked.

There are other confounds, as well. I work in an educational setting where Title IX training makes explicit any talk of physical appearance is verboten. So, regardless of how attractive my VPAA or CFO is, I don't dare say anything.

There used to be a thread (on GB?) called, "You are beautiful." It was full of lovely sentiments. But, again, it's not the same as being seen as a sexual being or being told we are attractive.

I'm not sure how best to rectify this situation. But, at minimum, I can commiserate.

 

[stickygirl]

Guys generally don't come right out and tell a woman they're attractive - do they? It normally manifests itself as a bulge in the trousers and a tongue hanging out and then a whole list of other one-way signals that they have the hots for you. Imparting that kind of compliment is an intimate action, whether they're your long-term spouse or a close friend ( where purely platonic ground rules have been established ). I've made the latter comment to guys where we both know we're just good friends - maybe the way a sister might?

If you're not getting those overt comments then maybe you don't define clearly to the women in your life, who is definitely in the 'just good friend category'? If a women is confused about your intentions then she'll hold back in case she sends the wrong signal. Women like to have men around who they understand and trust and they're the ones who get their tie straightened and the "looking good" compliments.

... interesting topic and these are just my initial thunks

 

[JRPerrone]

Guys generally don't come right out and tell a woman they're attractive - do they?

In normal daily life, you are probably right. But that is actually one of the nice things about this place, you have the freedom to say it if you think it. So, prepare yourself . . . if that is you in your avatar, you are attractive (or at least the little snippet of yourself you have shown.) Very much so. And I sincerely hope that makes you feel good that I said it.

 

[LoversPlayToy]

This is a sweet thread.

Of course men need to feel attractive. They are human beings after all. It's a great feeling when you make a man feel amazing about himself, just like we do when a man makes a women feels good about herself.

I don't think there is anything worse than being made to feel undesirable to the opposite sex.

 

[theMasterBaiter]

It's been busy here and I've only now found time to return to this post and read all the wonderful replies I was missing!

I'm sad that I don't have time to reply to each of you, at this point anyway. There have been some REALLY wonderful replies here and I'm beyond happy that I took the chance to ask. In another place, it could easily have turned into a shame fest, but here... I'm honestly deeply moved by your reaction.

In the little time I have right now, I'd like to focus on how to be part of the solution to the problem I face:

"How can we express to one another, male or female, that we are attracted, but without any implication that we want to pursue that beyond simply expressing it?"

Here are some things I've done, and perhaps you can tell me how you would react to that? Or if there is a way to improve on it?

- Complement something specific about the person, but not the person as a whole. e.g. "Sharp outfit!" or "You got a haircut, looks good!" or "Wow, your eyes are amazing!" Now, that sort of misses the target, because at least for myself, I want to feel attractive all over, but by being specific, it seems more genuine, right? I try to do that whenever I can. So far it seems to work pretty well. Of course, the "eyes" thing is less credible as I think most women take "eyes" to mean "I want to say tits, but I also don't want to get slapped".

- Complement and run. Wait until you are leaving the train, exiting the meeting, walking out of the restaurant, and then say "I want you to know, I think you are beautiful" or something lame like that and then turn and walk away. I'm scared that would make the person, especially a women, feel like she had been oggled and drooled over during the time before, and perhaps make her worried that she will be stalked. It's sort of creepy, isn't it? I've done that a few times.

- Complement anonymously: E.g. have little cards printed that say "I think you are very attractive, and although I'm happily married and have no desire to pursue a relationship, I thought you might like to know that someone noticed you." Then you slip that into their pocket on the bus, or just hand it to them on the way out. That's just creepy as hell isn't it? I've never done that, but I've thought about it.

- Disclaimer then complement: "Hey, I'm happily married, and I'm not going to do anything, but I just wanted to tell you how pretty / handsome you are." ... yeah... that strains credibility, huh? I did that once... it didn't go well.

So that's what I got... Other than to say that based on your responses here, everyone who posted is lovely on the inside! Thanks for making my day and I look forward to checking back to see what other thoughts people have on how to complement each other without causing fear.