do i like d/s for the wrong reason???

[subgrl18]

ok i dont know how to word this exactly... ive been wondering about this for a while...dont know if this is the proper place to ask...but you all have helped me alot in the past and i trust u all to tell me the truth.

ok im wonder if i like d/s relationships for the wrong reason... i dont know if it makes a difference what reason i like it for... but when i read thing subs post on here it seams different from me in a way...the d/s lifestyle is so important to me i think because of the idea of being taken care of...not being in controle to fuck things up...being told what to do and how to do it so i dont mess up... having someone to hold me and take care of me and not let anything bad happen to me....one of my fantasys is being held in the arms of my dom and my stuggling to get loose only to relize that he is in controle and stronger than me... the idea of being safe means so much to me... am i just totaly misreading this lifestyle? do any of the sub/slaves (sorry i dont know all the terms) feel this way at time when they are being held or controled by their dom/master. i guess im just asking if im looking at this all wrong...if im setting myself up to be targetted by someone who will just hurt me... not in a good way lol. idk i hope u understand what im asking... any responses are greatly apreciated...thanks

 

[BiBunny]

I don't know that there's any "wrong reason" to be in a D/s relationship.

But, to answer your question, yes, I love for B. to hold me and make me feel safe. In my everyday life, I stand on my own two feet. I'm strong and independent, but I'm also prone to holding my feelings inside. I am very much a control freak, and I hardly ever show any kind of strong emotion in front of people. B. is one of the few people in the world with whom I can truly let go and be myself and know without a doubt that it won't change the way he feels about me.

I went to see him Tuesday evening and spent the night with him. I'd told him that I had a lot of things on my mind, that I had a lot of frustrations inside that I couldn't let out on my own, and I asked for his help. He, being the wonderful sadistic bastard that he is, tormented me for his own pleasure (it was way beyond what I'd consider pleasurable for myself) and humiliated me until I was a wretched, sobbing mess. It sounds cruel, but it wasn't. I let things build up inside me, and I won't cry or let off any steam. He knows that pushing me hard like that will force me to let go of whatever's inside me that's holding me back. It's like a dam breaking or something.

Finally, when he knew he'd pushed as far as he safely could, he backed off, held me in his arms, and told me to cry it out. I did, and we spent the next hour or so making love (really making love, not fucking!). We cuddled and kissed and threw zingy one-liners (our version of flirting) back and forth at each other for the rest of the night.

So, yeah, I like for him to take care of me. I don't need it all the time, and I don't expect him to cater to my every whim. I hardly ever ask anything of him, so when I asked for him to help me let go of some of my frustrations, he knew I really did need him to help me, so he obliged. I don't know if I love him more for being a cruel bastard or for being a gentle, understanding lover.

(Yes, I'm still a little mushy about the other night. I haven't felt that good in a very long time.) I got so off-track there, though, that I'm not sure I answered your question or not, LOL.

 

[amadaun]

I'm not sure that any of us like D/s for the right reasons, or even what the right reasons would be. (All of the ones I can think of are kind of screwed up.)

Certainly there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe, as long as you realize that Dominant men are, in the end, men like any other: not omnipotent to protect you from the world, and not pure and holy and incapable of manipulating you or using you and throwing you away.

It's a pretty wonderful feeling sometimes to feel like you don't have to be independent.

 

[graceanne]

I don't know that there's any "wrong reason" to be in a D/s relationship.

Pretty much my thinking. I'm not aware of a list of good reasons for getting involved in a D/s relationship. Nor am I aware of a list of bad reasons. Join it cause you want to.

 

[oddity83]

Reason? There is no reason, this is who and what we are.

 

[FurryFury]

Pretty much my thinking. I'm not aware of a list of good reasons for getting involved in a D/s relationship. Nor am I aware of a list of bad reasons. Join it cause you want to.

That was my first reaction too. It doesn't mean you will have no chance of hooking up with someone who might hurt you. That's true in any relationship.

I have found that most people who are looking for someone to take care of them rarely find someone who truly does that to their satisfaction though.

Good luck in your search and the wonderful journey you have ahead.

Fury

 

[subgrl18]

thanks you everyone! i greatly apreciate ur thoughts.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... i guess im just asking if im looking at this all wrong...if im setting myself up to be targetted by someone who will just hurt me... not in a good way lol.

I understand what you are looking for, and there is nothing wrong with what you seek.

And understanding that what you really want can make you the target of predators and users is a good thing. Because what you are seeking DOES make you a target.

There are liars, cheaters, manipulators, users, abusers and predators of every color, stripe, economic background and kink out here on the internet and they want someone they can take advantage of. They LIVE for the victims they can suck in with their promises of safety, care, comfort, love, trust, and honesty.

Beware the bozo who promises you: "Sure baby, I'll take care of you! You'll be safe with me." Next thing you know you'll be turning your checking account over to him, and then you'll find yourself dumped and penniless.

TRUST NO ONE on the internet (not even me). Not until they prove, beyond any shadow of a doubt that they are exactly who and what they say they are.

GET REFERENCES AND CHECK THEM. Ex's. Play partners. Friends. Family. SOMEBODY will know them, know where he/she works, lives, how they treat waiters/waitresses/service staff/friends. Don't trust email references. S/he could have a dozen different email accounts and be answering all of your emails him or herself. Get phone or snail mail references.
If you get 4 or 5 PO boxes, and the first 3 numbers of the zip code are the same I'd be real leary of them being all the same person too...

With the right person, a person of integrity, character, strength, compassion, and honesty, you may very well find true bliss. But be very, Very, VERY careful making sure that the person you are giving your heart and life over to is, in fact, the real deal they are presenting to you.

You don't want to do like a friend of mine who ended up losing someone who loved her dearly, because she fell in love, on line, with a guy she _thought_ was her "match made in heaven". And after a year discovered that the "guy" was in fact a "gal"... a MARRIED gal at that, and that both husband AND wife had been playing her for a fool the whole time.

I had even asked her to marry me, but she wouldn't believe me when I told her that everything her "OL friend" was telling her was a lie.... *sighs*

Nuff said.

 

[Recidiva]

Whatever this is taking you to, you should be able to explore it.

D/s is not just about restraint, it's about knowing when you've outgrown a particular restraint or want it reinforced.

All paths should be open for the way you want things to go, particularly if it becomes a need.

 

[HottieMama]

I understand what you are looking for, and there is nothing wrong with what you seek.

And understanding that what you really want can make you the target of predators and users is a good thing. Because what you are seeking DOES make you a target.

There are liars, cheaters, manipulators, users, abusers and predators of every color, stripe, economic background and kink out here on the internet and they want someone they can take advantage of. They LIVE for the victims they can suck in with their promises of safety, care, comfort, love, trust, and honesty.

Beware the bozo who promises you: "Sure baby, I'll take care of you! You'll be safe with me." Next thing you know you'll be turning your checking account over to him, and then you'll find yourself dumped and penniless.

TRUST NO ONE on the internet (not even me). Not until they prove, beyond any shadow of a doubt that they are exactly who and what they say they are.

GET REFERENCES AND CHECK THEM. Ex's. Play partners. Friends. Family. SOMEBODY will know them, know where he/she works, lives, how they treat waiters/waitresses/service staff/friends. Don't trust email references. S/he could have a dozen different email accounts and be answering all of your emails him or herself. Get phone or snail mail references.
If you get 4 or 5 PO boxes, and the first 3 numbers of the zip code are the same I'd be real leary of them being all the same person too...

With the right person, a person of integrity, character, strength, compassion, and honesty, you may very well find true bliss. But be very, Very, VERY careful making sure that the person you are giving your heart and life over to is, in fact, the real deal they are presenting to you.

You don't want to do like a friend of mine who ended up losing someone who loved her dearly, because she fell in love, on line, with a guy she _thought_ was her "match made in heaven". And after a year discovered that the "guy" was in fact a "gal"... a MARRIED gal at that, and that both husband AND wife had been playing her for a fool the whole time.

I had even asked her to marry me, but she wouldn't believe me when I told her that everything her "OL friend" was telling her was a lie.... *sighs*

Nuff said.

Seriously, i this post. It doesn't make you a "bad sub" to be suspicious of someone in the beginning...it makes you SMART. Check out as much information as you can...in whatever way that you can. (Or...have the good fortune i did and find a Dom/me that works for the federal government...REALLY easy to find out a lot of stuff. )

 

[intothewoods]

ok im wonder if i like d/s relationships for the wrong reason... i dont know if it makes a difference what reason i like it for... but when i read thing subs post on here it seams different from me in a way...the d/s lifestyle is so important to me i think because of the idea of being taken care of...not being in controle to fuck things up...being told what to do and how to do it so i dont mess up... having someone to hold me and take care of me and not let anything bad happen to me....one of my fantasys is being held in the arms of my dom and my stuggling to get loose only to relize that he is in controle and stronger than me... the idea of being safe means so much to me...

Fwiw, that's what draws me to D/s too. I'm not much of a masochist, and I don't think I'm drawn to pain for pain's sake. But having someone else flog, spank, crop me is an immediate and tangible way of feeling their power. I think that's why I had a hard time figuring out where I fit. I kept thinking, I've never been into pain in the past, so, am I really a submissive?

On the other hand, I'll admit a personal bias of mine - when I see posts from sub females who are 18 or 19, I cringe. You are expressing a desire to be kept safe. And I certainly understand that desire. But part of becoming an adult is learning to face the world and take care of yourself. For whatever reason, you might not always have someone to take care of you and keep you safe. You need to know how to do it on your own.

And then again, maybe I'm reading too much into your post, and you're thinking - what the hell, I know how to take care of myself, I just like my man to hold me down a little! So take what you like in my post, and forget the rest, lol.

 

[subgrl18]

I understand what you are looking for, and there is nothing wrong with what you seek.

And understanding that what you really want can make you the target of predators and users is a good thing. Because what you are seeking DOES make you a target.

There are liars, cheaters, manipulators, users, abusers and predators of every color, stripe, economic background and kink out here on the internet and they want someone they can take advantage of. They LIVE for the victims they can suck in with their promises of safety, care, comfort, love, trust, and honesty.

Beware the bozo who promises you: "Sure baby, I'll take care of you! You'll be safe with me." Next thing you know you'll be turning your checking account over to him, and then you'll find yourself dumped and penniless.

TRUST NO ONE on the internet (not even me). Not until they prove, beyond any shadow of a doubt that they are exactly who and what they say they are.

GET REFERENCES AND CHECK THEM. Ex's. Play partners. Friends. Family. SOMEBODY will know them, know where he/she works, lives, how they treat waiters/waitresses/service staff/friends. Don't trust email references. S/he could have a dozen different email accounts and be answering all of your emails him or herself. Get phone or snail mail references.
If you get 4 or 5 PO boxes, and the first 3 numbers of the zip code are the same I'd be real leary of them being all the same person too...

With the right person, a person of integrity, character, strength, compassion, and honesty, you may very well find true bliss. But be very, Very, VERY careful making sure that the person you are giving your heart and life over to is, in fact, the real deal they are presenting to you.

You don't want to do like a friend of mine who ended up losing someone who loved her dearly, because she fell in love, on line, with a guy she _thought_ was her "match made in heaven". And after a year discovered that the "guy" was in fact a "gal"... a MARRIED gal at that, and that both husband AND wife had been playing her for a fool the whole time.

I had even asked her to marry me, but she wouldn't believe me when I told her that everything her "OL friend" was telling her was a lie.... *sighs*

Nuff said.

thank you very much, ur post helped me alot

 

[subgrl18]

thank everyone... see thats why i posted it on this forum lol i knew u all would help me!

 

[naxalite0906]

I am glad you found what you were looking for.
I totally understand your reasons behind why you like bdsm and I too feel that they are all qualities that a lot of submissives to have.

It isnt all about pain and beatings... although that does make it fun

 

[the_pet]

Reason? There is no reason, this is who and what we are.

ditto