Do I Dare?

[dragonhearted]

...not anymore!



sigh

 

[dragonhearted]

sigh

forget it....

 

[Elron]

I read it and I am writing to you.

I like your writing.

 

[WickedEve]

I read it. I was around a year ago, and I think I remember the name phoriner. So, this is about him?
Do you want comments on what works and doesn't work in this poem? It usually helps to ask for a critique, since some poets post and don't really want any suggestions.

 

[dragonhearted]

hmmmmmmmmmmm

better to write for myself, and keep it to myself...not to open myself up to when my heart is vulnerable.

 

[WickedEve]

When you post a revision, leave the original so we can compare the changes. I read this several days ago, so I'm not sure what you changed.

 

[ag2507]

(this poem was written almost a year ago, when phoriner was still around, and romancing the ladies...)


Sometimes it's hard to open up
To show how much you care
To show someone you love them
Sometimes you just don't dare...

So long ago, when I was young
'T was not so hard to do
I opened up my arms and heart
And spoke the words "I love you"...

But sometimes men can be so cruel
They'll say what can be said
To get just what they want:
To get me into bed....

Silly me, the act of love
Hooks me heart and soul...
Things go wrong, we split up...
Deception takes its toll...

So here I am a woman
Wanting to believe
That someone really cares
That he won't deceive...

Shall I drop my guard--again???
Shall I open up my heart?
Should I let in this stranger?
Shall he of my life be part?


Suzi

1) Please take a good hard look at the rythm. Some of those lines just don't scan.
Sometimes you just don't dare...
And spoke the words "I love you"...
Things go wrong, we split up...
are both examples of lines that stumble because they break the rythm
2) Tooooo much use of some. sometimes, someone, somewhere. And starting with Sometimes is weak, btw, that should be two words here: tyr "It's hard my dear, to open up"
3) The poem is too hands off. You are engaged in this issue yet the poem is vary stand back. You engage at the end: do it throughout.
4) The elipses... don't help

AG

 

[WickedEve]

ag gave you some good tips. Remember to show, not tell. You can tell us you're depressed, for instance, or show us by saying that you're a shadow in the corner, letting the dust gather -- or something along those lines.

 

[dragonhearted]

Re: Re: Do I Dare?

1) Please take a good hard look at the rythm. Some of those lines just don't scan.
Sometimes you just don't dare...
And spoke the words "I love you"...
Things go wrong, we split up...
are both examples of lines that stumble because they break the rythm
2) Tooooo much use of some. sometimes, someone, somewhere. And starting with Sometimes is weak, btw, that should be two words here: tyr "It's hard my dear, to open up"
3) The poem is too hands off. You are engaged in this issue yet the poem is vary stand back. You engage at the end: do it throughout.
4) The elipses... don't help

AG

Perhaps my stumbles are an unconscious way of saying I am stumbling in the situation?

Perhaps a poem that is hands off is saying how unsure the author is of the person who inspired it, even if she believes in true love? (Btw, the author was correct in her holding back, being unsure...he turned out to be a player!)

Perhaps the elipses...are merely pauses, hesitations? Breaks in thought? Do you think in complete sentences? Do you think with proper punctuation? The poem reflects the author's state of mind at that time. She is hesitant to believe in the man who seems to be showing interest in her.

 

[Rybka]

Re: Re: Re: Do I Dare?

Perhaps my stumbles are an unconscious way of saying I am stumbling in the situation?

Perhaps a poem that is hands off is saying how unsure the author is of the person who inspired it, even if she believes in true love? (Btw, the author was correct in her holding back, being unsure...he turned out to be a player!)

Perhaps the elipses...are merely pauses, hesitations? Breaks in thought? Do you think in complete sentences? Do you think with proper punctuation? The poem reflects the author's state of mind at that time. She is hesitant to believe in the man who seems to be showing interest in her.

If you feel you must justify your writing, perhaps it is not yet ready for wide scale distribution?

Regards, Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

dhearted, you're making some of the mistakes novice poets make. It's not a big deal. If you want to write for friends, they'll love your poetry. If you want to write for everyone else, then you need some practice, like most of us. I thought that was why you came here -- for feedback. Only honest feedback will help you improve. And it's only painful in the beginning -- usually.

 

[ag2507]

Re: Re: Re: Do I Dare?

Perhaps my stumbles are an unconscious way of saying I am stumbling in the situation?

Perhaps a poem that is hands off is saying how unsure the author is of the person who inspired it, even if she believes in true love? (Btw, the author was correct in her holding back, being unsure...he turned out to be a player!)

Perhaps the elipses...are merely pauses, hesitations? Breaks in thought? Do you think in complete sentences? Do you think with proper punctuation? The poem reflects the author's state of mind at that time. She is hesitant to believe in the man who seems to be showing interest in her.

No - a poem is not about the author: it is about the reader (or listener). The moment I share a poem, that poem ceases to be mine:for that reason I have a responsibilty to to ensure it's cohesiveness and readability and honesty. I missed the honesty in your poem: you held back from your feelings, you did not describe how YOU really felt, only how some generic sombody might have felt. You did that to avoid being honest with yourself.

I suspect you are not over this relationship. When you are, then edit the poem: it will then be pretty good - you have the talent (I wouldn't have bothered critiquing it otherwise) and I hate to see you waste it by not seeking to hone your craft.

 

[dragonhearted]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Do I Dare?

No - a poem is not about the author: it is about the reader (or listener). The moment I share a poem, that poem ceases to be mine:for that reason I have a responsibilty to to ensure it's cohesiveness and readability and honesty. I missed the honesty in your poem: you held back from your feelings, you did not describe how YOU really felt, only how some generic sombody might have felt. You did that to avoid being honest with yourself.

I suspect you are not over this relationship. When you are, then edit the poem: it will then be pretty good - you have the talent (I wouldn't have bothered critiquing it otherwise) and I hate to see you waste it by not seeking to hone your craft.

Don't tell ME who the poem was about...I WROTE IT. I DID write it about myself. I wrote it about my doubt about the man's true feelings---whether he was really interested in ME, or just toying with me. I grant you that once the poem is shared, it is not mine alone. I grant you I should have been more DIRECT about my feelings. I think the honesty is there (I was unsure, insecure). In real life I have become accustomed to having to hold back alot of my feelings, because noone has felt that they were worth the trouble of listening.

As for having a talent, I have been told this, by teachers, my parents, and friends. I do not see improving my "craft" to be likened to sharpening a tool. I see it as a rose bush, to be given fertilizer, water and sunshine, with maybe an occasional prune or trim. I see it as a living, breathing thing that must be nurtured and loved, not forced into some kind of shape.

When I was invited here back maybe a year or so ago, it was after people read the poetry I have submitted for the masses to read. Do you think they wanted to tear each one of those apart? Or do you think that they just wanted me around? Just someone with a little light to share, and not to bury. I did not come to be critiqued. I was invited, and I only posted it to share it with like-minded people. I guess I should have known better; I don't seek to criticize every poem.

 

[Angeline]

Suzi, I am sincerely sorry for the hurt that prompted you to write your poem in the first place and for your feeling now that your purpose in posting it was misunderstood. I truely believe that people here were trying to help you improve. We all can stand to improve our writing--I'm grateful for the time that anyone takes to read my writing and offer an opinion. If they find a way to help me make it better, that's great. If I don't agree with what the person suggests, I still appreciate the time they take to review it.

As I said in the other thread here, "critique" to poem reviewers means read carefully, lend a helping hand--not "criticize." If you don't want that, just say so. And this board is no private party, you don't need to be invited--everyone is equally welcome to post, review, whatever. It's just my opinion and I state it with respect for you and your writing--ag and eve were trying to help you improve the poem.

Most other boards like this would have been very harsh. I've seen it and had it happen to me. People told me I have talent too, but I believe that once I make public what I write, other people--who don't, after all, see inside my thoughts--will have their own interpretations of what I meant. If I don't accept that then I might as well not bother sharing what I write.

Anyway, if one writes or paints or does whatever art and wants to share it, he or she needs to grow a thick skin or prepare the heart for lots of breakage...

 

[Maria2394]

Ange is a wise woman

originally posted by Angeline

Anyway, if one writes or paints or does whatever art and wants to share it, he or she needs to grow a thick skin or prepare the heart for lots of breakage...

Angeline...perfectly said... all it really takes is one brutally honest professor to break that heart the first time, right? after that, it gets easier smile, suzi! we are friends here for the most part and I am new here, sort of....most everyone that posts regularly really cares about writing..they arent here to just trash someones work... dont stop writing no matter what, even if you never post again,..you have to do it to make yourself happy...have a beautiful day, maria


__________________

 

[Angeline]

Too true, Maria! I've been told my poems suck plenty of times--both politely and a whole lot less than politely. When I was in college, some goofy professor went waaay out of his way to tell me, well basically to give up. I was just crushed at the time, and probably would have written more sooner if not for him. Now I look back and think what kind of a person would go so far out of his way to tell some kid she's a loser? It says more about him than me. I try to learn from criticism--that's important--but I also try to remember that people have all kinds of motives for their actions, most of which have *nothing* to do with me.

Maria, you're cool

 

[Maria2394]

professor Dupre`

******

 

[Angeline]

Blackout

Ok, I'm hijacking the thread just for one post to admit this publically before Lauren tells on me.

Although I live very close to NYC (but not in it cause I can't afford to live there, having spent all my dough on essential stuff like Lester Young CDs), I was unaffected by the blackout. Not only that but I almost never watch tv (I hate tv), so I had not a clue about it. I found out when Lauren--who is on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, for god's sake--sent me an instant message about it. LOL. Is that sad or what?

Actually, Lauren is an excellent source of news. Some people have CNN; I have Lauren. She's always in the know, plus she's cuter than all the CNN people and way smarter, too.

 

[dragonhearted]

If they find a way to help me make it better, that's great. If I don't agree with what the person suggests, I still appreciate the time they take to review it.

As I said in the other thread here, "critique" to poem reviewers means read carefully, lend a helping hand--not "criticize." Ag and eve were trying to help you improve the poem.

Anyway, if one writes or paints or does whatever art and wants to share it, he or she needs to grow a thick skin or prepare the heart for lots of breakage...

Alright...I get the diff. between criticism and critique, ok? I know there ARE some well meaning people who offer critiques, in an effort to gently guide a person. But to say a person needs to grow a thick skin..etc..just because they do not take it well, shows a lack of tact. I am a very sensitive person. I am an intuitive person. I have had to be tough for different reasons and circumstances, things any other person would have not had the heart to do. I am far from thin-skinned. My writing is a piece of me...you tear it apart, you tear me apart.

I do appreciate your trying to explain things, Angeline & Maria. I just have not had alot of exposure to critiques outside of school (other than my mother of course). IN school, I had signed up for Advanced Writing. The teacher does not like poetry; he likened my writing to drivel. He was a sarcastic (yet at times funny). I was already under so much stress that year, that to deal with the demands of the class as HE placed them was just too much for me. Why...I was having very bad headaches every single day after school!

Anyway...that's all I have to say.

 

[dragonhearted]

darn double posts!

 

[Angeline]

Alright...I get the diff. between criticism and critique, ok? I know there ARE some well meaning people who offer critiques, in an effort to gently guide a person. But to say a person needs to grow a thick skin..etc..just because they do not take it well, shows a lack of tact. I am a very sensitive person. I am an intuitive person. I have had to be tough for different reasons and circumstances, things any other person would have not had the heart to do. I am far from thin-skinned. My writing is a piece of me...you tear it apart, you tear me apart.

I appreciate your comments and frankly understand quite well. I certainly don't mean to suggest you're not sensitive or intuitive. I just think that anyone who creates any kind of art will be torn down by some people, for whatever reason. As far as reasons or circumstances, I also think that most everyone has a story; I sure do...

 

[BooMerengue]

OK... Let's don't!

 

[BooMerengue]

.....

What happened here? Did the building burn? I'm goin thru my threads unsubscribing... this one. too? Is this...
http://64.246.26.66/wording/images/word010.gif

 

[dragonhearted]

the purpose of this thread is null now, and people have already hijacked it, so I have not bothered about it? Is that a problem?