Divorced/Separated Support Thread.

[bholderman]

Essene,

I saw your other thread and I guess for others, divorce can be a good thing, therefore congratulations. FOr me, the actual day came a bit unexpected, I was that in the dark on the process. I went into court thinking it was a standard "status" appearance (I had lost my lawyer by then). Within an hour I was divorced, in shock and had to return home to take care of 3 kids. My ex- took 3 days off from work in lieu of the shock.

Its odd, neither of us really wanted it. She thought it the best for the two of us. She has had severe mental issues (Im suspect to bipolar), my trust in her is gone completely. I guess why I truly hate divorce is because I am a "family guy." Divorce is the ultimate testament to failure, in my opinion. I'm not proud of being a divorcee.

Still, I do realize that there are other situations, nor will I pass judgement on anyone. There probably will be a time when it catches up to you. Prep yourself with a good circle of friends that will be there for you when it happens. My circle included a few people I met hear and I would not have made it through this without them.

My divorce is now finalized- like as of yesterday. Well, yesterday being a saturday, I have to wait until monday to get confirmation so that I can change my name on my bank accounts and go to the SS office and stuff.

I was talking about emotions and feelings with a coworker who is also recently divorced. I understood her mixed thoughts and feelings, but overall I don't feel much of anything. Life is going on like it always has... with or without him.

For a few months now, I've been thinking that I should write a "good bye" letter or something, but as the day drew closer, the need has left me.

I wonder if it'll all catch up with me and I'll be totally devastated with melancholic nostalgia at some point. Right now though, I'm more than okay.

 

[the captians wench]

Essene,

I saw your other thread and I guess for others, divorce can be a good thing, therefore congratulations. FOr me, the actual day came a bit unexpected, I was that in the dark on the process. I went into court thinking it was a standard "status" appearance (I had lost my lawyer by then). Within an hour I was divorced, in shock and had to return home to take care of 3 kids. My ex- took 3 days off from work in lieu of the shock.

Its odd, neither of us really wanted it. She thought it the best for the two of us. She has had severe mental issues (Im suspect to bipolar), my trust in her is gone completely. I guess why I truly hate divorce is because I am a "family guy." Divorce is the ultimate testament to failure, in my opinion. I'm not proud of being a divorcee.

Still, I do realize that there are other situations, nor will I pass judgement on anyone. There probably will be a time when it catches up to you. Prep yourself with a good circle of friends that will be there for you when it happens. My circle included a few people I met hear and I would not have made it through this without them.

I've always felt the same way. When my ex and I first started dating I told him i would kill him before I would devorce him because they rated about the same to me so I might as well go for the gusto.

It's because of this, and the fact that I'm so young, that I wonder what Jounar and his folks really think about my devorce' status. I mean, devorce has only been leagal in that country for what? ten years? I wonder some times if the fact that I have been married and devorced, and that I come from a culture who do not give a second thought to being devorced plays a bit in the progress of our relationship. It's clear that I'm not going to be able to live and work there unless we are married, but he seems to be dragging his feet a bit, not that I'm in any hurry to get married again. I just wonder if it plays a part in his mapping out of our future.

 

[bholderman]

Here's an odd one I could use some feedback on. Ive actually been working really hard on letting things die in the past and to cultivate some sort of cordial/friendly relationship with my ex.

I and she have been having some issues with a neighbor primarily a married couple. Long story to all the issues, but tonight, the wife came over to ask if she could take the kids to church, my ex said no. My middle autistic daughter apparently (I was at the store), got upset and bolted from the apartment running for the main street. My ex had to switch from cordial to rude quickly and pursue my daughter.

About an hour later I wa home but made a trip the dumpster. WHen I returned, the husband had shown up, confronting my ex at te top of his lungs in front of my kids about being rude to his wife, he called her a slut and that he was going to call CPS. It took about an hour for me to work out all those events, talk to my neighbor, etc. Apparently, the wife neglected to inform him of the aspect of my uaghter running out the door. Once calmed down he sincerely made his apologies to my ex and the kids through me. Tomorrow, I still have some damage control, but heres the thing.

Especially, the slut comment, really hurt my ex and my kids. With the ex, she assumed I hd been saying and describing in detail, some of the things that went on, even to the point of me exagerating it. I did mention that our divorce rested on infidelity, but nevergot into detail. Our kids know what happened and i know our kids talk about it to other people.

Tonight, I actually felt really bad for my ex, and I still do while writing this. I am also painfully aware of the damag my neighbors just did to whatever relationship I still have with my ex. I honestly feel like Im all the way back at square one through very little fault of my own (yeah, I have to take some responsibility).

 

[intothewoods]

Here's an odd one I could use some feedback on. Ive actually been working really hard on letting things die in the past and to cultivate some sort of cordial/friendly relationship with my ex.

I and she have been having some issues with a neighbor primarily a married couple. Long story to all the issues, but tonight, the wife came over to ask if she could take the kids to church, my ex said no. My middle autistic daughter apparently (I was at the store), got upset and bolted from the apartment running for the main street. My ex had to switch from cordial to rude quickly and pursue my daughter.

About an hour later I wa home but made a trip the dumpster. WHen I returned, the husband had shown up, confronting my ex at te top of his lungs in front of my kids about being rude to his wife, he called her a slut and that he was going to call CPS. It took about an hour for me to work out all those events, talk to my neighbor, etc. Apparently, the wife neglected to inform him of the aspect of my uaghter running out the door. Once calmed down he sincerely made his apologies to my ex and the kids through me. Tomorrow, I still have some damage control, but heres the thing.

Especially, the slut comment, really hurt my ex and my kids. With the ex, she assumed I hd been saying and describing in detail, some of the things that went on, even to the point of me exagerating it. I did mention that our divorce rested on infidelity, but nevergot into detail. Our kids know what happened and i know our kids talk about it to other people.

Tonight, I actually felt really bad for my ex, and I still do while writing this. I am also painfully aware of the damag my neighbors just did to whatever relationship I still have with my ex. I honestly feel like Im all the way back at square one through very little fault of my own (yeah, I have to take some responsibility).

It does usually take two to do damage. If I were your ex, I would appreciate you saying to me, look, I was venting to the neighbors when I was hurt and angry, and I said that you had cheated on me. However, I gave no further details. I will make it clear to them that calling you names in front of our children is not helpful or appreciated.

Of course, that's me. I like when people own their shit. Also, I would make it clear to the neighbors that you two are coparenting, that that is best for your kids, and calling the mother of your children "slut" is damaging to your family.

I don't know all the details and I don't know your kids personalities, but if they do know what happened, you may want to have a family talk about it to clear the air and give them a chance to air their feelings. This is just based on what I've heard and read, but I'm no expert of course. Just my two cents. If it were me, I think I would say, look, your mother and I both made mistakes. We are human. We were not able to stay married, but we are friends and we are all together a family. We are both committed to you as parents.

You may have said some or all of this already. My point is just that kids apparently do better when they have a chance to talk about all of their feelings, the good, bad and ugly. And also, if they are pissed at their mom, it might be helpful for them to know that the entire failure of the marriage does not rest on her shoulders, and that you have forgiven her and you both are moving forward.

 

[bholderman]

Yeah, thats pretty much the route I took. It certainly seemed the safest if anything. Still, I have a bit more damage control to clear up today, but I appreciate the input.

It does usually take two to do damage. If I were your ex, I would appreciate you saying to me, look, I was venting to the neighbors when I was hurt and angry, and I said that you had cheated on me. However, I gave no further details. I will make it clear to them that calling you names in front of our children is not helpful or appreciated.

Of course, that's me. I like when people own their shit. Also, I would make it clear to the neighbors that you two are coparenting, that that is best for your kids, and calling the mother of your children "slut" is damaging to your family.

I don't know all the details and I don't know your kids personalities, but if they do know what happened, you may want to have a family talk about it to clear the air and give them a chance to air their feelings. This is just based on what I've heard and read, but I'm no expert of course. Just my two cents. If it were me, I think I would say, look, your mother and I both made mistakes. We are human. We were not able to stay married, but we are friends and we are all together a family. We are both committed to you as parents.

You may have said some or all of this already. My point is just that kids apparently do better when they have a chance to talk about all of their feelings, the good, bad and ugly. And also, if they are pissed at their mom, it might be helpful for them to know that the entire failure of the marriage does not rest on her shoulders, and that you have forgiven her and you both are moving forward.

 

[minx1]

Just when I think I am really ''over it'', my behaviour makes me question whether that is the case.

I have my wedding anniversary coming up and I am acting really weird

Things have happened today and made me question my whole marriagabiity/wifeability/lifepartnerability/motherability. If those aren't words...they are now
Perhaps in this case they are the wrong terms anyway...because i don't question my ability as such...more the way I am perceived.

I hope its a coincidence....and I'm just weird.

ps. Yes I have had wine.

and yes....I shall have more.

 

[minx1]

So yesterday was my wedding anniversary. Or rather would have been.

You know whats strange? I have been in a couple of long term relationships and serious ones at that, apart from my marriage (which actually didn't last as long as one of the others) but I don't remember our ''anniversary'' dates from those relationships....though we still had them, even though we weren't married.
I loved those men deeply, just as I loved my ex husband....so I guess the only difference is that somehow the formality of my marriage makes me so aware of the day.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me, as I explained to someone close. Not because I miss my ex or my marriage; I honestly don't, but more because it makes me reflect on my life now and where I am going.

I try not to think about those years as wasted years. They weren't really. But I do regret the amount of time I spent on someone who was not worthy of my time....particularly because those years were crucial years really.....in terms of my age and having the child I would like to have.

Still, my divorce enabled me to do many things that I am glad about. Things that I wouldn't have had the courage to do otherwise. It toughened me up and i learned lots along the way.

My divorce really did liberate me in a way.

Now the rest is up to me.

 

[SubKekiLee]

WOW over a year ago we started this journey.. I am finally one step closer to getting my divorce. Ive moved over a year ago, I filed in September after months of him saying "he would" and then 3 days before they serve him he gets evicted.. great a man who used to make 65,000 a year and now is homeless. WTF? Ive been telling him since he moved to be with his One True Love.. lets get this over and be amicible Oh well.. Nov 16 at 5 pm is D day. Today we were married 5 years



Thank god.

In other words things are coming together.. Sir and I are lovely.

 

[HisSexyPet]

I have made the first step on the journey to freedom. I saw a lawyer last week. That took a lot of courage on my part and B was proud of me. Now the next step...

 

[Bandit58]

I have made the first step on the journey to freedom. I saw a lawyer last week. That took a lot of courage on my part and B was proud of me. Now the next step...

Good luck!
It won't be easy, but you will get there

 

[macklum]

my first post here and its in this thread

After 30 years of being together ,almost25 of them married my wife asked me for a divorce ,it was a bit of a surprise but not really unexpected .We are working on the separation and both want it to be amicable.
I think we are going to write our own agreement and just have a lawyer check it for legalities ,it should be less costly .
I have a very active sex drive,I am a very visual person ,I like role playing ,her going out of her way to wear lingerie ,sex to be vocal ,to me sex is the adults play time ,a time for fun and adventure . She on the other hand is the opposite to that ,very plain,she just couldn't get into what I liked ,I guess after all years of arguing about our sex life she finally said she couldn't take it anymore ,told me she had enough and wanted a divorce .We have tried consoling in the past ,it would work for awhile then slow things would go back to me wanting the things I like more and more .
The ironic thing is I totally understand why she had to do this . I have no hard feelings towards her ,I was rather glad she asked for the divorce ,now I am able to try and find someone with similar tastes as me.I think I will be much happier for all this

 

[FurryFury]

I hope y'all can keep it amicable.

*hug*

 

[macklum]

I finally had a big weight lifted of my shoulders,I now have a place to call home ,I was able to get a nice one bedroom apartment for Jan 1st ,I will however have to rent a room with shared common area and kitchen with 4 other people for the month of December .

 

[sailorpaul]

Glad this thread got started.

I walked away from a 26 year mostly great marriage recently. We'd been doing the counseling and other things to work on our husband-wife part of the relationship.

The decision point came down to this when she came up to see my kink-friendly therapist....

Me: This is important to me and what I want
Her: I can't do that
Therapist: We have to respect that.
Me. I guess we are done.

That simple. Rest of the double session was spent figuring out the best way to tell the four boys.​

No fighting, or arguing, so the kids were surprised when we sat them down a few weeks later. Vanilla community is is shock as for many we were the poster child for "great marriage".

My only real take-away is this. When your husband sits you down and says "this is important to me, and I need this" paying attention and trying to figure out some accommodation might result in different outcomes.

While we used a mediation lawyer and things are progressing smoothly, the most uncomfortable thing for me was going back over recently for #2 son's birthday. It was the first time I was a guest in my former home. (Let her have it for she and the boys.) Wiereded me out so much that mostly hung out in a different room, didn't talk much to our 20+ year friends, and left right after presents were opened. I've since gone back and apologized to friends, talked to ex about it. But, I still can't account for the feelings.

Meanwhile it's sunny and warm here in Southern California. Turkey day is at a neutral location this year, so we shall see...

 

[lennythelion]

I just came across this thread and am very glad to have found it. I've had an active online social life for about 10 years, and I am quite amazed at how little there is in terms of divorce/separation support - there even seems to be a lack of it in real life.

Just over a year ago, my husband and I had an argument/talk that culminated in him saying that he "wasn't capable of making me happy, so maybe we should split". It was a slap in the face. We'd been together 14.5 yrs at the time, married for 11, and we have a child. I won't pretend that I was happy. I won't say it hadn't crossed my mind, or even that it crossed my mind rarely. I will even admit that I felt I was having a "midlife crisis", where that phrase signifies a re-evaluation of all that has gone before, such that conscious decisions are made about the future. But it was still a slap in the face to hear him say that he wasn't prepared to fight for me.

It took me 6 months to make a decision, to mourn (somewhat) the future I had imagined, to admit to myself properly that there was no more hope and that the only way forward was to end it. I told him in May and he accepted it very well, said he didn't blame me, that he understood. Then I went away for 3 weeks with our child, with the aim of cooling down, (though we were never antagonistic), and recharging my batteries so I could look for work when I came back.

But I have not, until recently, been able to do so. I'm not sure why. Perhaps the mourning is not over (I find I have moments when I hate him for not making any effort these last few years), perhaps my midlife crisis is not over (our time together was not easy, with difficult extraneous circumstances, notably my having cancer, that perhaps I haven't dealt with properly). Perhaps it is just that feeling overwhelmingly alone makes it so difficult to take any sort of step forward.

The one thing I do know is that my life has been full of being strong for others, of sublimating my desires and feelings and wants and needs so that other people feel better about themselves. And now I find I have two new mottos: “Be true unto thine own self” and “Don’t think. Just feel.”

Lately, I have met a man who has allowed me to honour those two mottos and who makes me feel less alone. We have no future, but I only need a present for now. When I am with him, I do not need to feel strong, I can give myself over to him quite completely and let him take me to places I never even dreamed of going.

My husband went away for 10 days recently and I suddenly feel more motivated to change things, having had a taster of what it is like, but it is still very hard to live in this limbo-like state, neither separated nor married, with little in the way of support.

Thankyou for letting me express myself.

 

[lennythelion]

My only real take-away is this. When your husband sits you down and says "this is important to me, and I need this" paying attention and trying to figure out some accommodation might result in different outcomes.

I admire you for having the courage of your convictions. In recent months I have conversed with a lot of people (especially men, but not only), who are in unsatisfactory relationships and who lack that courage. In particular, when everything else seems to be going right, but the sex is not what you would like, people convince themselves that it is just a small thing. And it so is not. Sex is not just about a physical need, it is a psychological one (and sometimes, though not necessarily, an emotional one).

It was the first time I was a guest in my former home. (Let her have it for she and the boys.) Wiereded me out so much that mostly hung out in a different room, didn't talk much to our 20+ year friends, and left right after presents were opened. I've since gone back and apologized to friends, talked to ex about it. But, I still can't account for the feelings.

In the past, pre-marriage/CPR, when relationships ended, things were more or less clear-cut. End of relationship = no more interaction. It allows us to mourn more easily. When we have to be reminded of what we have lost, even if it was our decision to "give it up" as opposed to having it taken away from us, it is difficult. We have an urge to move on, but we cannot, and indeed, we do not want to pretend that it all never happened. It is a conflict that is not so easy to deal with.

Do you mind me asking how long it's been?

 

[FurryFury]

That remark about the courage of your convictions begs the questions is sex compatibility more important to one than the rest of the relationship and loyalty?

 

[lennythelion]

That remark about the courage of your convictions begs the questions is sex compatibility more important to one than the rest of the relationship and loyalty?

It's a good question FurryFury (love that name!), and one that I have been thinking about a lot for a number of years. In my own case, there was no sex at all and had not been for years. I think that I actually managed to convince myself for quite a while that on balance, sex was not important. But the truth is that it wasn't important to him, although it was important to me, and I was just sublimating myself.

The fact is that my husband doesn't see me. He doesn't see me as a woman. Often, he doesn't see me at all. He lives in a little world where emotions, feelings and people have no place. Material, concrete things can be faced and dealt with, but all the intangible stuff is just too frightening.

So, in the end, sex IS important, because incompatibility is, in my opinion, actually symptomatic of something else. (In case you're wondering, yes, we used to have sex. And it was quite good. In the beginning I awakened something in him, and worked at freeing him from his shell. But I didn't know he was on elastic.)

And what exactly does "the rest of the relationship" signify? I've thought a lot about that too. I've decided that there are three aspects to relationships: the material (or tangible, if you like, the everyday way a couple lives together, shares the chores, splits the costs, occupies space, etc), the emotional (love, respect, sharing, understanding, communicating, indulging, reflecting, inspiring), and last, but not least, the physical (sex, of course, but also touching, looking, saying that you appreciate, hugging, kissing, holding hands etc). In my case, one out of three certainly wasn't enough to make a marriage.

As for "loyalty", again, what does it mean? As a word freak, I can give a definition: duty or devoted attachment - should people, do people, really stay together through loyalty? I think they are more likely to stay together because there is give and take, and when there is a split, one is quite likely to find an imbalance.

 

[FurryFury]

It's a good question FurryFury (love that name!), and one that I have been thinking about a lot for a number of years. In my own case, there was no sex at all and had not been for years. I think that I actually managed to convince myself for quite a while that on balance, sex was not important. But the truth is that it wasn't important to him, although it was important to me, and I was just sublimating myself.

The fact is that my husband doesn't see me. He doesn't see me as a woman. Often, he doesn't see me at all. He lives in a little world where emotions, feelings and people have no place. Material, concrete things can be faced and dealt with, but all the intangible stuff is just too frightening.

So, in the end, sex IS important, because incompatibility is, in my opinion, actually symptomatic of something else. (In case you're wondering, yes, we used to have sex. And it was quite good. In the beginning I awakened something in him, and worked at freeing him from his shell. But I didn't know he was on elastic.)

And what exactly does "the rest of the relationship" signify? I've thought a lot about that too. I've decided that there are three aspects to relationships: the material (or tangible, if you like, the everyday way a couple lives together, shares the chores, splits the costs, occupies space, etc), the emotional (love, respect, sharing, understanding, communicating, indulging, reflecting, inspiring), and last, but not least, the physical (sex, of course, but also touching, looking, saying that you appreciate, hugging, kissing, holding hands etc). In my case, one out of three certainly wasn't enough to make a marriage.

As for "loyalty", again, what does it mean? As a word freak, I can give a definition: duty or devoted attachment - should people, do people, really stay together through loyalty? I think they are more likely to stay together because there is give and take, and when there is a split, one is quite likely to find an imbalance.

Interesting post. I found it very thought provoking. The part I put in bold was particularly so. My husband and I are not compatible sexually, at least, in certain areas. Even more difficult lately he has had little to no sex drive. To complicate matters, our schedules are so opposite we rarely see each other.

Now we are into give and take. I think our balance on this is pretty good. I also think we are both loyal to the point of being someone over the top about it. I feel very lucky that he likes, loves and supports me and has done so for over 19 years. I feel that he has allowed me to love him the way I wanted to but no one else would allow. He knows my bad points but focuses on my good. Every day I'm shocked at how wonderful he is and how my life turned around.

Materially I could give a crap less. In fact, I need to get another job to make some more money. I do several. It's not like we are rich. We are scrambling these days. He does bring in the bulk of the money but it's the emotional support that really appeals to me.

But back to the crux of the conflict. I also didn't leave my abusive ex due to that same loyalty. He and I were not compatible sexually and that's quite an understatement. However the give and take was wildly out of balance with him and in his favor. In the end, he left me.

Often I've wondered why I didn't leave him. Was it a lack of the courage of my convictions? Was it that magical abused mindset that kept me from leaving? What? I believe had I been mentally healthier, I would have left him or even better, never married him at all. I expected / hoped he'd mellow someday. LOL. Ah well. I'm going to hope I don't have a nightmare about him tonight.

Overall I do think that couples often don't have enough loyalty to one another to go the distance. OTOH, I've def seen instances where both parties would be better off if only one of them had the courage of their convictions to leave.

 

[sereneone4u]

Glad this thread got started.

I walked away from a 26 year mostly great marriage recently. We'd been doing the counseling and other things to work on our husband-wife part of the relationship.

The decision point came down to this when she came up to see my kink-friendly therapist....

Me: This is important to me and what I want
Her: I can't do that
Therapist: We have to respect that.
Me. I guess we are done.

That simple. Rest of the double session was spent figuring out the best way to tell the four boys.​

No fighting, or arguing, so the kids were surprised when we sat them down a few weeks later. Vanilla community is is shock as for many we were the poster child for "great marriage".

My only real take-away is this. When your husband sits you down and says "this is important to me, and I need this" paying attention and trying to figure out some accommodation might result in different outcomes.

While we used a mediation lawyer and things are progressing smoothly, the most uncomfortable thing for me was going back over recently for #2 son's birthday. It was the first time I was a guest in my former home. (Let her have it for she and the boys.) Wiereded me out so much that mostly hung out in a different room, didn't talk much to our 20+ year friends, and left right after presents were opened. I've since gone back and apologized to friends, talked to ex about it. But, I still can't account for the feelings.

Meanwhile it's sunny and warm here in Southern California. Turkey day is at a neutral location this year, so we shall see...

I feel you make an excellent point, Paul. I think most women do not realize how important physical love is to men and they dismiss it while still expecting men to understand their need for the emotional aspects of love. I am in no way blaming either sex, I just think trying to understand each others wants and needs and respecting those wants and needs goes a long way.

I understand you were talking about an aspect of physical intimacy you wanted your wife to join in, but it is in the same vein. Good for you both for realizing neither would yeild and you needed to go your seperate ways.

 

[lennythelion]

He knows my bad points but focuses on my good. [...] it's the emotional support that really appeals to me.

How I wish for that. I feel though that my husband didn't make a special case of me. He focuses on the bad in general. Everything is a chore.

A friend told me to write down how I felt a few months ago (before I announced my decision), and I found myself thinking about how I conceived of marriage: a tandem ride, where each spouse takes turns in steering, but we're headed in the same direction, pedalling together. And I realised that I was the only one doing the steering. And not only that, but I was also the only one pedalling.

Overall I do think that couples often don't have enough loyalty to one another to go the distance.

I'm not sure it's a question of loyalty. I think that we live in such a disposable society that couples often get married with the notion that "if it doesn't work out, we can always get divorced", or (my personal favourite) they get married because "well, we've been together for some time now, so why not". I think that, generally speaking, practical types tend to make "more effort" to stay together - for material reasons (they become overwhelmed at the thought of selling the house, sharing custody of the children, or the dog etc). Emotional types are probably more apt to just get out and damn the consequences.

They do say that society is more emotional now (for the better), but more into instant gratification as well as being individualistic, so maybe that explains the phenomenon you're seeing. In my own case, I am so pragmatic that I probably went way beyond what an emotional person would have done.

 

[FurryFury]

I understand. When my first husband walked out, I thought I would die. Two hours later I was feeling relieved. Life is strange.

Perhaps I've always felt the physical was important because I get an emotional feeling from it? My husband has never had to worry that I don't want to. There is no I've got a headache tonight thing in my life. If I have a headache I figure some sexual romp will help it. My insecurity has always been good fuel for keeping the sexual fires burning.

I'm practical but emotional too. Interesting ideas you presented. You are making me think too.

 

[LilTexanGal]

That remark about the courage of your convictions begs the questions is sex compatibility more important to one than the rest of the relationship and loyalty?

FurryFury,

What a GREAT question. I can honestly say that I stayed married to a man for 6 years and later realized that the only thing I ever missed about him was that we had wonderful sex and the fact that he always told me that I was beautiful no matter what size I was. His wanting me never ceased. Now I realize that this gave me a false sense of self esteem. It never ceases to amaze me how I realize that something I was doing all along...turns out to not be a good thing....like I had previously believed.

So...the answer to your question I believe is YES. It happened for me. BUT.....I am hoping to change this about myself because I really feel like there should be more compatibility than sex.

LilTexanGal