Divorced/Separated Support Thread.

[coy_one]

I know some of us are going through this - your level of comfort as to the details you divulge are to your own level.

Just figured it might be a nice place to have a place where you don't feel so alone.

Or, a place to also trade ideas while going through property settlement.

Maybe even a great place to bitch about how your attorney never calls back? (this is so my world).

I've been going through separation since July of 2006, so over a year and almost a half at this point with no end in sight. We were supposed to go to court November 5th, but that was cancelled.
He wants to settle outside of court, but has this problem with compromise. He doesn't want to do it.

Financially, it's killing me the longer this is drawn out. It's not like I'm asking for the moon either.

I'm just at my wit's end. http://yelims3.free.fr/Grrrrrrrrrrrr/Grrrr33.gif

 

[intothewoods]

Hi Coy,

Thank you for starting this thread, and I'm sorry you're ex is being so difficult with the legal stuff. Have you thought about getting a different lawyer?

I'm mostly dealing with emotional issues right now. Just grieving the end of the family. My husband is perfectly friendly, but he won't address anything that happened, ask me how I'm doing, or own any responsibility for the marriage. Even if he didn't offer anything that major, I wish he would at least have a real conversation with me.

 

[coy_one]

Hi Coy,

Thank you for starting this thread, and I'm sorry you're ex is being so difficult with the legal stuff. Have you thought about getting a different lawyer?

This is actually Lawyer #2. The first one hated my ex's attorney so much he didn't think he could be effective in court.

So,that's 2 retainers that I have paid now. Thus, a new one would be more money I don't have at this point.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Me and my man divorced 6 years ago, but we never really finished this shit. Guess it's time to do so now. I must say I am still not ready for it. I was draging in this for years... hoping we will be okay again, one sweet day. But I was wrong... God I was SO WRONG.

First time he left me when I was pregnant for the first time. He had another woman pregnant at the same time as well, I didn't make it and misscaried my baby that time.

Then I get pregnant again, but I didnt know about it. He divorced with me and 14 days after I found out I am expecting his child. He was gone that time already and no longer my man. I told him I am pregnant and he get back to me, but while my second pregnancy he left me 3 more times, in those 9 months of pregnancy. With time I found out he had another woman pregnant at the same time again. She went for abortion and I kept mine. I couldn't do this, I couldn't just get ride of my baby just cuz he acted like an asshole.

We was together for a while, but with time he left again. I thought it was the last time he did it to me. In april of this year he showed up again and beg me to be whole family just as we suposed to be. I took him back yes. I was so happy he wants us, me and our little girl. My girl needed her dad and I needed my man, I never really stoped loving him. I was the most happier person in the world when we get back together in april of this year, thinking our love will last this time. And mine did, I still love this man, but he loves another and expecting a child with her as well, again. The very same thing is happening. I am tired. Tired of this neverending story.

He did it once, he did it twice, he did it third time and he will do it over and over again if I'd take him back. Deceiving someones trust in the most cruel and evil way I know. Like his word was nothing. Like his promises meant nothing. Like all he ever told me was just a lie.

I was so happy when we get back together. Our little girl was happy too. I thought we finaly become a "normal" family, but guess I am very naive. We split once again and it hurts, a lot, cuz I know this time its for ever. I know my man, in few weeks or months he will knock on my doors telling me how he loves me and how he miss us and how he wants us back etc etc and I might still love him in few months, I know I will, but I won't take him back anymore. I just can't. Cuz of my self. Cuz of the way how his treating makes me feel like. I gota get him outta my head once for ever.

I was at my man's flat today to get the rest of my things and I must say it was the most hard thing I had to do in last few years. I came there and I was there all alone. So much memories dwell in that flat, nice memories. So much of my life will stay there, so much of me. I was wandering the flat, from one room to another and thinking. We made our flat really nice. It took us lots of cash and lots of hard work, but I believed it worth it. Now I saw it and it just hurted, the knowing we did this all for nothing. The room of our little girl was so nice. I was so prode we made it so nice for her and for the unborn. So much of work and so much of plans... its all wasted now.

I let this happen once, I let this happen twice and I let this happen thrid time. Its all my own fault and I pay for the wrong decisions I keep doing. The day when he divorced with me I should have close the doors and never take him back again. Shame on me for being so silly. Sadly I still love this man, but I wont never ever allow him to do this to me again. I promised it to myself, I just had to.

Let him go right now seems hard to me, but theres things that will be even harder in the future. There will come day when our child will born and when my ex will end all alone. I know this cuz I been thro this with him so so many times now. Well the hard part of this will be when he comes to me and tell me "I want you back, I want my kids and I want my family" and I will just have to say I am sorry, but the answear is NO. I know my man very well and I know this will happen one day and it sadness me that no matter how much I love him I cannot give him more chances anymore. He proved he cannot be trusted and I gota keep peeps like him outta my life. I love him and guess I always will, but I am done with him. He made decisions-I comply. Now we just gotta move on, he his way and me mine.

I dunno imagine me telling him I dont want him back while the only thing I wish is this all was just a bad dream and he never left.... Tere will come day when I will have to or say NO or suffer like I do now again. I dont wanna go thro this over and over again. This kind of treating would kill me once.

I will be around and keep watching over my man cuz I still love him, but I will never allow him to live with me again. For no reason. I love him, but I gota keep remind myself I shouldnt and that I cannot love this man. Love him is too much of pain and dissapontments, simply its not worth it. I gota keep a distance from him whatever it takes. Even if I should lie about my true feelings for him. Love someone who wont ever love you back the way you need it is so silly... I might love him, but I will surely not tell him about it anymore.

The game is over. I am not sure if he really realise it, but I do.

 

[catalina_francisco]

The game is over. I am not sure if he really realise it, but I do.

I'm sorry you have had to go through so much just for one person who obviously didn't appreciate you in any way, but this part of your post makes me feel you are now in a much stronger place and not about to sell yourself short and put both you and your children through anymore pain just to satisfy his ego and whims. Stay strong and don't let him destroy you any more.

Catalina

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I'm sorry you have had to go through so much just for one person who obviously didn't appreciate you in any way, but this part of your post makes me feel you are now in a much stronger place and not about to sell yourself short and put both you and your children through anymore pain just to satisfy his ego and whims. Stay strong and don't let him destroy you any more.

Catalina

I am not feeling any stronger it's just about the knowing I cannot take him back any more. I still feel all weak when I see my ex and I must say it scares me it really does cuz deep iniside I know I still love him and I shouldn't.

I always fell back into his arms when he wanted me to. I am not really sure whats worst? live by his side or keep pushing him away while the only thing I wish is for him to stay with us. My brain knows very well what I gotta do and how it is with my ex and how it always will be if I take him back, my heart don't wanna let go tho... *sigh*

I won't let this man destroy my life any more. He took me a lot, I am not willing to give him more. I gotta keep remind it to me over and over again.

thank you for support Catalina

 

[littleone77]

Seeing how my career goal is divorce law perhaps I should be taking notes while I lurk.

I do wish you all the best.

 

[coy_one]

I am not feeling any stronger it's just about the knowing I cannot take him back any more. I still feel all weak when I see my ex and I must say it scares me it really does cuz deep iniside I know I still love him and I shouldn't.

I always fell back into his arms when he wanted me to. I am not really sure whats worst? live by his side or keep pushing him away while the only thing I wish is for him to stay with us. My brain knows very well what I gotta do and how it is with my ex and how it always will be if I take him back, my heart don't wanna let go tho... *sigh*

I won't let this man destroy my life any more. He took me a lot, I am not willing to give him more. I gotta keep remind it to me over and over again.

thank you for support Catalina

I once was told that just because you love someone doesn't mean they are thebest choice

Just remember that.

It's easy to love. It's harder to listen to your heart when it goes against your brain.

 

[minx1]

Stay strong and don't let him destroy you any more.

Catalina

This says so much to me Cat, particularly at the moment. Its really only recently that I have realised that the relationship...my marriage, still affects me. Subconsciously its affected me for a long time, in my actions and thought processes....like an invisible point of reference.

I naively thought I had come out of it relatively unscathed but incidents have shown me that just because the ink is dry on the absolute, its not completely over as I still live with the legacy. Though I guess knowing that, is one step in the right direction to dealing with it.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I once was told that just because you love someone doesn't mean they are thebest choice

Just remember that.

It's easy to love. It's harder to listen to your heart when it goes against your brain.

Yes, I have a lil prob with this I guess. Always did. My man is a bad choice I know it. I won't take him back. Not cuz I wouldn't want to be with him, but just cuz I can't live like this anymore. Live with him takes all my energy and I don't need that. I need to be okay for my kids.

I love this saying: “My soul is empty now; it's a dark abyss. No heart, no feeling, no light. You ask me, 'How did you become so cold?'

I answered, 'I loved you......”

I will get over him one day. Must say my lil girl and the unborn are the best help I have. I don't feel like smiling, but I am okay. It's hard, but nobody said it will be easy. My man become forbiden fruit for me and I won't take him any more. He's something I cannot handle in my life. Good thing is I finaly know it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

This says so much to me Cat, particularly at the moment. Its really only recently that I have realised that the relationship...my marriage, still affects me. Subconsciously its affected me for a long time, in my actions and thought processes....like an invisible point of reference.

I naively thought I had come out of it relatively unscathed but incidents have shown me that just because the ink is dry on the absolute, its not completely over as I still live with the legacy. Though I guess knowing that, is one step in the right direction to dealing with it.

Ah, I know that experience well. To tell the truth, though I also believed my own divorce was well and buried long ago (been divorced over 20 years), I have come to realise over the last year or so that it is only now I have truly processed it and put the emotions into the correct slots, allowed myself to grieve the loss of the dream properly and felt really free to move forward freely. I think F has had a lot to do with it, not so much directly, but just by being able to give me what I always wanted and never had, and showing me in so many ways he is here to stay no matter what may cross our path to disrupt the still waters.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

I am not feeling any stronger it's just about the knowing I cannot take him back any more. I still feel all weak when I see my ex and I must say it scares me it really does cuz deep iniside I know I still love him and I shouldn't.

I always fell back into his arms when he wanted me to. I am not really sure whats worst? live by his side or keep pushing him away while the only thing I wish is for him to stay with us. My brain knows very well what I gotta do and how it is with my ex and how it always will be if I take him back, my heart don't wanna let go tho... *sigh*

I won't let this man destroy my life any more. He took me a lot, I am not willing to give him more. I gotta keep remind it to me over and over again.

thank you for support Catalina

Though you may not feel stronger, you show your new strength in resisting temptation which you could not do before. It is the first step toward happiness. It is always difficult when you have loved someone and invested your emotions and energy into them and the relationship, doubly so when you have had children with that person, but often the person we loved was not who they really are, but more the fantasy of who we thought or wanted them to be, or who they once were when we fell in love with them. Problem with staying with someone like this is it doesn't allow you to be free to meet that person who may be able to give you all and more than you ever dared wish for. You will get there.

Catalina

 

[minx1]

showing me in so many ways he is here to stay no matter what may cross our path to disrupt the still waters.

Catalina

*smile* a feeling I crave and one day hope to achieve. Thanks Cat

 

[bholderman]

The game is over. I am not sure if he really realise it, but I do.

Gosh, Im looking forward to seeing the kinf of person you're about to turn into. With that kind of strength, it can only be a great one.

 

[bholderman]

Ive been talking with subkekilee a lot lately about my issues. They are imilar to her parents and she has a lot of experience on the mental health side of things.

My wife has done a lot of damage, but Im picking up the pieces of myself, staying a strong parent, and even trying to still be there emotionally for her. Ive shown enough that after this all began shes finally starting to open herself back up to me.

We still consider ourselves separated (although not legal in any sense), nor is the future of marriage certain in any respect. But, for me marriage is something you dont throw away. That said, the future still remains in doubt and here as in other threads, I'll be watching everyone's comments closely.

I've used the term, "The Brokens" in another thread. I hate the fact that a lot of us have had to go through these things.

It sucks.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

a feeling I crave and one day hope to achieve.

Same here.

You will get there.

I will surely do my best for it.
Thank you Cat

Gosh, Im looking forward to seeing the kinf of person you're about to turn into. With that kind of strength, it can only be a great one.

I wish. I am afraid if I had another man just right now he would be a poor person by my side cuz I have a real prob with trust and I also become very suspicious. Get my trust is not that easy, my Master could tell you a lot about it. I used to be a nice person, but now I am hurting people with doubting them while I shouldn't.

I feel marked in this real bad. Thats also why I am not looking for a new man at all. I don't wanna hurt someone who could actualy love me for real and I feel I might. Hopefuly I will change with time and be able to really love and trust someone again. For now I know I can't. I am friendly, but I don't wanna hear about love at all.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

for me marriage is something you dont throw away.

I've used the term, "The Brokens" in another thread. I hate the fact that a lot of us have had to go through these things.

It sucks.

For me was marriage the same and I would never leave my man. It was his decision and I was forced to comply cuz he told me if I won't agree with our divorce he will kill himself. He wanted be with his new gf too bad, so I did what he wanted. Can't say I was happy about it tho...

I hate the fact as well and feel for all those who going thro this kind of probs. And yes it sucks!

You doing very well bholderman {{{{hugs}}}}, wish my man was like you in this. I am surely not ideal partner, but I am easy to listen and change myself. Wish he had told me what was wrong cuz I would surely make things right. He choosed to leave instead and actualy he blaming me it was my fault that he was drinking every night and fuck other women heh.

Tell me he fucked other women cuz of me while I am horny like 24/7 and willing to give him anytime he wanted it is lame and it's a fukin lie. Tell me he was drinking cuz of me while I was crying almost every night longing for him to be with me while the only thing he did is that he showed me he prefer anybody else company except mine is just funny. Geez I beged him to stay home with me and not going out for a drink, but he never mind I wanted him around. Now he bitching me I prefered chat with online people instead being with him is a fukin lie.

I was online yes, but only when he wasnt around or when he was drunk and sleep whole day. Only person with who I really spend my time online is my Master, but my man and my lil girl was always on the first place. I am not idiot I always wanted his company first, but when he keep refuse give it to me I did chat then yes. Not my fault he wasnt there for me. I wanted him, but he didnt care. Now he blames me I fucked up things while he's the one who fucked other bitches while I was still there waiting and longing for a bit of his love and attention.

I love how my ex can make things sound the way that I am actualy the worst what happened to him and that I treated him so shit. He makes me feel like I should actualy go apologize to him and go congratulate to his new gf to the child they expecting.

I was online yes, but only cuz he was ignoring me and out with his friends all the time. I always wanted him around tho, always. But he never wanted the same, not much I could do about it. The day he left me I beged him so much to stay home with me, I wanted have a nice time with him and just have a nice evening with him ya know. He picked to go out, again. He promised me to come home about 10pm, but he never came back home again. He just left to his new bitch and now making lame excuses of his acting, trying to make me feel quilty for his own shits. And I used to let him before yes, but not anymore.

I did nothing bad and have nothing to feel bad about. I was there for him. The only thing he did tho is that he left me, again. I wont forget this, ever. I told him not to expect me to tell him when our secon child will born. I feel totaly no need to tell him about it. He said, but its my child? I said "yes it is, sadly" and then I asked him to go.

I can imagine how he makes me look like in the eyes of his new gf. I am sure he make himself look like he was there for me and I never there for him while it was the right oposite. He used to get out and drink untill 3am even while we had no cash for food. I am looking forward when his new gf will find out how my ex imagine "the care of family". She will be home alone with her baby just like I was while he will be out drinking with his friends and shaging other women. I cry now she will cry in few months, I know that for sure.

After the talk we had today I am SO HAPPY I am back at my mum's place and gone from this person once for ever. I am not sexy thin girl and I surely have lots of faults, but I still like to think I am nice enough to deserve a bit of love and attention from man I live with.

We dealing with money issue atm. I owe my man 2500,- for the last rent but he owns me 12000,- for loan he took on my name and does not pay it now. I have a big probs cuz of it now so I told him I will give him his 2500,- after he gives me mine 12000,-. He told me "you're such a bitch" ehh. He owe me 4x more and I have to pay his shits, but I am the bitch, I love it.

I am glad he's gone and hopefuly I wont see him so soon. After ever talk me and him have I am proper down and I can just say my ex is not the way I thught he is. I dunno him at all and I am lucky he's outta my life...


I made myself this webby http://www.allaboutme.phorum.cz/ and used to write there how I felt about my man, how I felt when he left me those 2 tims before. Theres a lot about me there, wish he knew english cuz then he would know I loved him more than words can say, more than he will ever know.

It's gone now tho. I will ripe him outta my heart once for ever, I just have to.

 

[bholderman]

I certainly wouldnt recommend jumping into another relaionship. You've been hurt awfully bad and you need time to recover from that. You need to fix yourself first before you can even make those first steps in that direction.

My opinion anyway.

Same here.



I will surely do my best for it.
Thank you Cat



I wish. I am afraid if I had another man just right now he would be a poor person by my side cuz I have a real prob with trust and I also become very suspicious. Get my trust is not that easy, my Master could tell you a lot about it. I used to be a nice person, but now I am hurting people with doubting them while I shouldn't.

I feel marked in this real bad. Thats also why I am not looking for a new man at all. I don't wanna hurt someone who could actualy love me for real and I feel I might. Hopefuly I will change with time and be able to really love and trust someone again. For now I know I can't. I am friendly, but I don't wanna hear about love at all.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I certainly wouldnt recommend jumping into another relaionship. You've been hurt awfully bad and you need time to recover from that. You need to fix yourself first before you can even make those first steps in that direction.

My opinion anyway.

You are right and I am not planing to jump into another relationship at all. Men are something I am not intrested at all right now. As friends yes, but nothing more. Maybe one day I will change my mind about love, but it will surely take time.

You have my respect for still being there for your wife, trust me I know how hard it is sometimes.... I wish you the best and hope theres still a chance for you two. You surely do max for it, I know you do. I hope she sees it and will do her best for it as well cuz when theres just one person who wanna keep things working or fix things its not enough. Both of you must want it. I was alone in this. My man prefer find another woman when things go wrong. I prefer fix things and I would if he let me, oh well...

I keep my fingers crossed for you and your wife.
Good luck Brad!!

 

[Moanique]

I cannot imagine the level of pain you are all going through. One thing I do know is that in your shoes, I would not be able to function and get through the day. You are all amazingly strong, even if it doesn't feel that way everyday. So when you feel you're crumbling, please remember that if your exes felt a 10th of what you're feeling, they'd be trembling under a blanket calling their mothers.
But you manage to go on, wounds and all.
Hurting a mate is for cowards. In terms inner strength and dignity, you all are giants. And it's really not your fault if your exes chose to act as mindless troglodytes. They will never evolve. But you already have. Kudos to all of you.

 

[coy_one]

But, for me marriage is something you dont throw away.

Agree with this.

It ultimately took me 1.5 years to leave. I kept hoping that he would finally go to marriage counseling.
That he would finally listen to my pleas that the relationship wasn't working for me.
We went through ONE singular counseling session. He felt that we had done the best we could. Afterall, I was the one with the problem anyway.

 

[coy_one]

I cannot imagine the level of pain you are all going through. One thing I do know is that in your shoes, I would not be able to function and get through the day. You are all amazingly strong, even if it doesn't feel that way everyday. So when you feel you're crumbling, please remember that if your exes felt a 10th of what you're feeling, they'd be trembling under a blanket calling their mothers.
But you manage to go on, wounds and all.
Hurting a mate is for cowards. In terms inner strength and dignity, you all are giants. And it's really not your fault if your exes chose to act as mindless troglodytes. They will never evolve. But you already have. Kudos to all of you.

Thank you. I am a single Mother living in one of the most expensive areas in the DC area. I've lost my job during this divorce (and then found a new one and moved here), I dated a guy who failed in me in so many realms, and then dated another one that I caught cheating on me.

I still go to work. My supervisor and my Mother both tell me they don't know how I do it.
Yet, I press on. Lately I've cried a bit because my alimony has never materialized, and all my child support goes straight to my son's tuition since we moved to a higher cost of living area (and actually closer to my ex so he could have more of a life with our son). Money is scarce right now. I had to re-outfit myself because I work in a professional field, and I didn't need to be so dressy in my last job.

Actually, I'm in a good place mentally and emotionally. It's just financially right now is killing me.
Maybe I grieved the end of the relationship properly? I don't know.
I keep hoping someday that my exhusband will understand that we need to work as a team for our son's benefit. But, so far, that's just an unrealistic hope. LOL

When asked how I do it - I just say that I take each minute as it comes to me and that's all I can do. In the morning, I'm more concerned about getting to work, fighting with my tired son and dealing with the traffic, than not making it to work.

I am a phenominal woman. I've overcome PTSD and I've overcome a back problem that left me where I couldn't walk at one time. This is just another twist in life's journey.

M.

 

[FurryFury]

I've been both separated and divorced before. What sucks, really, really sucks is when you are DONE but the legalities and paper work drag on and on.

Also if you had kids. It's never over then.

*HUG*

 

[EmpressFi]

*nods*

Luckily, we never had kids.. separated in Sept 1995... divorce was finalized (he kept thinking and telling people I was coming back... even though I never even visited) in the Spring of 1998.. really made it interesting when he moved away without notice so that when I'd saved enough to file on my own, we couldnt find him...

I'll say it again..thank the GODDESS we never had kids

 

[somberReality]

*hugs to everyone here* Got divorced in October and glad of it. I live day to day, trying to become a better stronger person.

Feel free to pm me to talk.