Divorce Weirdness

[serijules]

I'm in the middle of getting a divorce. (Yes, yes, I was married to a man).

We have been the best of friends for years now. We only stayed married because it was just easier than going through the bullshit of a divorce.

We finally decided to just go ahead and make it official on paper, as I want my maiden name back and would rather have all this taken care of before I move to PA in a few years.

Problem is? We are still very good friends. We even share our bed a lot of the time as mine is more comfortable than his, and we tend to talk a lot in bed together and just fall asleep. There is no sex of course.

It's just weird. I can't explain this to people, when they hear of our divorce, they don't expect us to still go places together and live together. I'm buying a house in town as soon as our mutually owned property sells and he may move in with me for awhile to save on costs.

This is just too weird for people...and I'm sick of trying to explain in. I don't really know HOW to explain it.

I'm not sure if I'm asking anything or just needing a shoulder right now, I guess I just wasn't quite ready for the weirdness of the whole situation, despite the weirdness that's been there all along, like the fact that I'm a lesbian and I'm married to a man. Timing issues, and all that.

I'm surprised at how nosy people are. They want details. They ask questions about our choices. They give advice and tell me I'm doing the wrong thing. They judge when they have no facts.

I don't do this. When someone tells me they got a divorce, I express feelings of support and good luck, but I don't PRY. For some damn reason I assumed the rest of the human race had this trait too.

Cripes I'm naive sometimes. Being here for as long as I have should have should have warned me about the inconsistencies of common sense and general niceness in the human population. (Sorry folks, but some of you suck. Not all by any means, but yes, some of you do suck )

I'm in the limbo part of it all right now, where some people know and others don't, where the paperwork is still being worked on and details still hashed out. I want it to just be done with and life to go back to normal. Is that so much to ask?

yeah, thought so.

That's all.

 

[the captians wench]

I feel for you surji.

a couple months ago my ex calls me up out of no where and says he's ready to start our paper work. It felt weird, sort of like breaking up again, which is weird be cause I am happily involved in other relationships, so I did not expect this, I thought I was past all that.

And we were best friends up until he met this new girl. She's got such a jealous streak that he can't speak my name with out her throwing out the "I bet you're sleeping with her" card. Which is kind of hard to not come up considering he's best friends with my cousin, and they go to my family poker night.

My family is weird, we have a lot of what we call "out laws". Those are in-laws who are still considered family. You may devorce each other, but once you're in my family, you're pretty much stuck with us.

Anyway, if you need to talk sweetie, I'm here. If not, just know that I understand, to some degree anyway.

 

[Netzach]

Oh dear lord.

People have a very narrow idea of marriage and project their own shit on it.

I certainly could not explain that no, really I LIKE it when my husband brings someone back to our place and has sex with him.

I can only imagine they bring even more of their own shit into what it SHOULD be like to be divorced, broken up with etc. with someone.

It's cool that you are close and love one another, even while realizing it's not what it was. That's more valuable than people "getting it".

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can relate to what you are going through in part seri, but also know from past experience that messy boundaries don't work out well in the end...at some point you have to make that final break to get out of feeling you are in limbo. You can still be friends, can still talk and go out together as friends, but while you are both still basically living as you always have under one roof, neither of you are going to move on to independence, or a successful and happy relationship with someone else, unless they are prepared to try and move in and be part of this special club you have established for two.

Yes, I know about you and Dawnie, but you are not living together and you have presented the reasons here before, but could it be this is also part of what is holding you back from moving to be with her 24/7? If you plan it at some point in the future, presumably your husband and you will have to part ways then. The inevitable will happen and when it does you will go through the pain of that separation and it can undermine your future happiness, tarnish the specialness of that moment despite your certainty it won't. I hope you can find a way to get through it in a way which is not painful for any of you.

Bottom line though is why should it bother you what others think if you are 100% happy with the whole situation? You don't usually seem to need the approval of others to feel happy with your choices.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

It seems to me like the financial alleviation of not doing a scorch and burn might actually make a move somewhat easier, but call me crazy.

 

[myinnerslut]

i dont really have anything to add, but i wanted to say hi and if you ever wanted to talk feel free to PM me

 

[Quint]

.............

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yup. I get it all the time from "well meaning" friends and family when I talk about how close I still am to my first fiancee. No really, we're happy. No really, it's not weird to talk about his girlfriend or my husband. No really, there's no residual sexual tension. Life goes on. Check it out sometime.

I've found that my cheery "fuck you" grin isn't as effective a deterrent as I might've thought. But I still give it.

I think the difference is though you are not still living together and sharing just about all you did before you went your seperate ways and that is what makes it difficult to understand. Personally I can never understand the mindset which says you have to hate or be distant from ex's unless there was abuse....some of mine I have been friends with for 35 years now and know we still share a bond, though not the exact same one we had when together, but close.

Catalina

 

[ecstaticsub]

I think people are so used to seeing messy horrible divorces where the ex's hate each other and are out for blood that they don't understand how you can be peacefully divorcing.

You don't owe them an explanation. I'm sorry you are having to put up with so much shit from nosy people.

 

[Netzach]

I think people are so used to seeing messy horrible divorces where the ex's hate each other and are out for blood that they don't understand how you can be peacefully divorcing.

You don't owe them an explanation. I'm sorry you are having to put up with so much shit from nosy people.

And people love to project out of jealousy. H and his wife split remarkably well - all her friends were constantly trying to get her more defensive and convince her she was going to get screwed and left in the cold because they had married assholes who did that.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

People are so close minded and scared of what they can't comprehend.

*HUG*

 

[serijules]

I can relate to what you are going through in part seri, but also know from past experience that messy boundaries don't work out well in the end...at some point you have to make that final break to get out of feeling you are in limbo. You can still be friends, can still talk and go out together as friends, but while you are both still basically living as you always have under one roof, neither of you are going to move on to independence, or a successful and happy relationship with someone else, unless they are prepared to try and move in and be part of this special club you have established for two.

Yes, I know about you and Dawnie, but you are not living together and you have presented the reasons here before, but could it be this is also part of what is holding you back from moving to be with her 24/7? If you plan it at some point in the future, presumably your husband and you will have to part ways then. The inevitable will happen and when it does you will go through the pain of that separation and it can undermine your future happiness, tarnish the specialness of that moment despite your certainty it won't. I hope you can find a way to get through it in a way which is not painful for any of you.

Bottom line though is why should it bother you what others think if you are 100% happy with the whole situation? You don't usually seem to need the approval of others to feel happy with your choices.

Catalina

I'm not asking for advice on how to handle the situation or how to be happy. I'm perfectly ok with the situation. I'm having a hard time with the reaction of others and trying to justify the weirdness of it over and over.

We have been independent for ages. I DO belong to another woman with his knowledge ya know

Nothing is holding me back from moving to PA other than Dawnie has decided we don't want to make that move until she graduates school and my major loans are paid off so that financially, I won't have to support myself and we can rent or buy a bigger place that will allow me to keep my pets. She wants to make that move in our relationship the right way...not spend years trying to help me dig out of a financial hole trying to support myself and be her full time slave. She also doesn't want me to give up my "kids". The relationship with hubby has zero impact on that move and never has. He knows I plan to move. We haven't had a marriage in over 10 years...we've been roommates that just happened to be married on paper. I'm not worried about when we DO part ways....we will always be friends. We've been through too much weirdness as it is, if the friendship wasn't strong, it wouldn't have gone on this long.

So...like I said, I'm having issues with people making wrong assumptions, giving unasked for advice, and for some reason like Netz said, thinking divorce HAS to be a certain way. I don't see any reason why we can't continue to live together...it helps me out money wise with someone I actually would want to room with rather than a stranger, and it helps give him more time to get on his own feet financially. If any future girlfriends have issues with him living with his ex, that's HIS problem, certainly ain't mine lol.


Can't say this post has helped me all that much, kind of is all about what is driving me nuts in the first place

I'm fine with the choices, it's dealing with the constant explanations and advice and comments that is growing old. Since I can't fathom acting like that, it's tough to accept it without getting increasingly annoyed with people.

We both said last night it would have been easier to just not bother to tell anyone LOL.

 

[somberReality]

I think it's good you can be friends personally. Going through a divorce and hating the other person is rough, so in that way i'm a bit envious.

Hun, one thing i have found is this: you can't please anyone. Screw what anyone thinks. If you are cool with things, that's all that matters.

 

[serijules]

It seems to me like the financial alleviation of not doing a scorch and burn might actually make a move somewhat easier, but call me crazy.

You're crazy.

And weird.

(in a Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka sort of tone)

And right too...at least that is our logic on it. I don't need an entire friggin house to myself, and he doesn't really wanna be stuck in a dinky apartment, which is all he could afford on his own income (I make about 3 times more than he does). Hopefully by the time I move he will either want to rent my house on his own (I'll keep it as investment property) or he'll be in a better place financially where he can move back out to the country like he wants to.

I shudder at the thought of trying to find a roommate. I don't know how people can stand living with total strangers. I couldn't even do it in college, I had to have a dorm to myself cuz my roommates were all turning out to be psycho freaks. At least I know T is not a psycho!

Besides, he's a good cook and I burn water. There ARE advantages here.

 

[serijules]

I think it's good you can be friends personally. Going through a divorce and hating the other person is rough, so in that way i'm a bit envious.

Hun, one thing i have found is this: you can't please anyone. Screw what anyone thinks. If you are cool with things, that's all that matters.

I keep telling myself that, and I do believe it, but when I get yet another "OMG, but you two are MADE for each other, you can't do this!!!" reaction, I just wanna crawl in a hole and mope about how little the people in my life seem to know about me if they didn't see this coming 10 years ago lol.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I'm fine with the choices, it's dealing with the constant explanations and advice and comments that is growing old. Since I can't fathom acting like that, it's tough to accept it without getting increasingly annoyed with people.

We both said last night it would have been easier to just not bother to tell anyone LOL.

I hear you on how it's fucking annoying and aggravating that some people can't seem to mind their own damn business. And yes - easier said then done to go 'fuck off' on everyone around you that feel entitled to have their words in your relationships and choices.

Wishing you strenght and faith in yourself through that. And remember - you don't owe anybody any explanation about your choices, but those who are directly affected by them.

 

[BeachGurl2]

There's no rule that says you have to hate your ex throughout the divorce or fight all the time. Some people have positive relationships, they just aren't the 'right' relationship for a marriage. I'm glad that you have such a good relationship. When I divorced my ex, I had hoped that we would eventually be able to get to some sort of place where we could at least keep it civil, but it just isn't in him to get there.

As far as 'well meaning' friends and acquaintances - I suspect they are both jealous and projecting. And often, my way of dealing with those types of none-of-your-business questions is to give them back one of the same kind. It usually shuts them right up.

Sounds to me like you're handling things just right for you, Seri. Good luck.

 

[serijules]

There's no rule that says you have to hate your ex throughout the divorce or fight all the time. Some people have positive relationships, they just aren't the 'right' relationship for a marriage. I'm glad that you have such a good relationship. When I divorced my ex, I had hoped that we would eventually be able to get to some sort of place where we could at least keep it civil, but it just isn't in him to get there.

We actually get along even better now that we finally put it into real motion instead of just never doing anything about it.

We started dating when I was 13 and he was 18. We dated for 6 years and got along fabulously. When I was 20, we just sort of got married because everyone expected we would, not because we were particularly in love or had shared dreams and whatnot. We moreso gave into the pressure of friends and family and their "so when are you two getting married" thing than anything.

Now, years later, our dreams and desires are really taking us down different paths. He badly wants kids, I don't and can't have them. We have few shared interests, and oh yeah, the biggie, I like girls. Something I didn't realize or embrace when I was younger. People grow and change....we grew and changed together. Nothing to be bitter or angry or hate each other over.

 

[coy_one]

I read a story about couples that don't divorce because of the financial benefits of staying married.

I proposed that to mine, and he told me I had fallen from my tree.

I really don't care.

Personally, if it works for the two of you - fuck the world.

 

[graceanne]

I don't know what to tell you. You're right, people are nose and rude. Beyond that it's so rare for a divorce to happen that isn't full of people losing all stupidty that they're going to be even more curious and rude. It sucks, but that's life. I, personally, find it refreshing to see people get a divorce without reverting to toddler-hood. Hell, my parents have been divorced for over 20 years and they STILL can't talk without screaming at eachother.

 

[FurryFury]

I read a story about couples that don't divorce because of the financial benefits of staying married.

I proposed that to mine, and he told me I had fallen from my tree.

I really don't care.

Personally, if it works for the two of you - fuck the world.

If only one had the time . . .

*le sigh*

 

[Marquis]

These types of situations are always tough because people want to give their opinions but don't have enough information to give an informed opinion, often don't realize they don't have enough information, and often don't care.

It's certainly unusual, but I don't see what the problem is in there NOT being lots of drama.

It could be you're expressing some reservations about whether this is the best thing for you long term, but if these are serious personal doubts than you've fooled me.

 

[serijules]

It could be you're expressing some reservations about whether this is the best thing for you long term, but if these are serious personal doubts than you've fooled me.

I have no reservations whether this is the best thing...staying in this marriage would cheat him out of a future with someone he actually is in LOVE with, children, etc, would make us both miserable, he'd have to go elsewhere for sex as I have no interest anymore in sex with men. I'm nowhere near that selfish.

For me, I'd not be able to follow my owners desires and move to be with her and all my friends in PA and I'd have to stay in a job that is becoming too hard on my health. Leaving my very close family is a huge hardship for certain, but that has nothing to do with the divorce.

It's a no brainer, really. Has been for a long time and we both knew that, just until recently had no reasons to make any move as I couldn't move to PA yet and he didn't have anyone else in his life.

Besides, the tax benefits WERE nice. heh.

Not sure where anyone is getting the impression I'm having a hard time with the decision and changes.

Basically I'm just venting. I rarely do that and T suggested perhaps maybe I really should TALK about this stuff as even though the situation itself I'm ok with, it's still sad and stressful and whatnot. We do have a lot of great memories and times, and no one in my family has ever gotten a divorce before, so it's unchartered territory for certain.

I'm a bit amazed I'm saying all this. I think you all are learning more about me in one day than in all the years I've posted here.

Thanks for being supportive and respectful everyone. I really do appreciate it.

Maybe it's normal for weird people to have weird divorces and the two weirds cancel out the normal.

Ok, bed time for me. I've entered babbling mode.

Night all.

 

[Etoile]

I love you Seri. I'm here for PMs as you know.

 

[Marquis]

Sounds totally reasonable.

Best of luck entering this new phase of your life.