Discussions

[autumn_moon]

How does one keep a discussion or argument from being taken over by the other person?

I'm in this unhappy relationship which I believe could be better if only some of my problems could be addressed. But everytime I try to bring them up, the other person quickly takes over the discussion and turns it to address their problems. In the end, I find that we spent most of the time addressing their problems and almost none addressing mine. Usually, I give up and apologize for being such a problem.

How do I keep the discussion/argument from being hijacked long enough so that some of my problems with the relationship are addressed?

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

I would get out because then you wouldn't have to listen to it

 

[warrior queen]

How does one keep a discussion or argument from being taken over by the other person?

I'm in this unhappy relationship which I believe could be better if only some of my problems could be addressed. But everytime I try to bring them up, the other person quickly takes over the discussion and turns it to address their problems. In the end, I find that we spent most of the time addressing their problems and almost none addressing mine. Usually, I give up and apologize for being such a problem.

How do I keep the discussion/argument from being hijacked long enough so that some of my problems with the relationship are addressed?

if the other person in the relationship isn't going to respect you enough to listen to you, then get out now.

honestly, can you picture yourself in this relationship, this exact same way, in 25 years from now?

 

[Bobmi357]

Say "Excuse me, but I'm not finished talking, when we're done with this subject, we can talk about your topic". And if that doesn't work try this "Sorry, but until you're ready to address my topic, I'll be in another room", then walk away.

 

[James G 5]

Don't date me LOL

 

[Vixandra]

They're right- try to get him/her to talk about you and if they won't then move on. YOU deserve better then that!

 

[SexyChele]

You don't say what type of relationship this is. A friendship? An intimate relationship? Spouse? Friendships and even intimate relationships can be evaluated as to whether you wish to expend energy working on getting the other person to see where you are coming from. A spouse is a different matter - not as easy to simply walk out because of an issue such as this.

I've been in this situation before, although not with a spouse, and what I've found worked for me was to talk to the person outside of discussing an issue or problem. If you try to swing back the conversation during the "highjack" you are more likely to have it erupt into an argument, depending on how emotionally charged either one is.

When you are calm and have no problems or issues to really talk about, let this other person know that when you need to talk you need some one to listen. You will listen to their problems (say this only if you truly mean it, but turn around is only fair play!), but you need their undivided attention when talking to them. Avoid the "You make me feel...." and the "When you start doing this..." That will only bring about hurt feelings. Let the other person know how you feel. Example: let him/her know that you feel as if your problems have been discounted when you can't continue describing how you feel. Don't blame the other person outright - you might not realize why they are doing what they do. Rather, concentrate on what you are feeling and let the other person know that.

Don't expect habits to change immediately, but try to put in place some sort of system whereby you can tell the other person they are "doing it again." Spell out which words you will use during the conversation above. Have them agree to it, and don't be surprised if they say to you on occasion. Respecting each other's right to communicate is of the utmost importance.

Good luck!

 

[jeepman6]

You don't say what type of relationship this is. A friendship? An intimate relationship? Spouse? Friendships and even intimate relationships can be evaluated as to whether you wish to expend energy working on getting the other person to see where you are coming from. A spouse is a different matter - not as easy to simply walk out because of an issue such as this.

I've been in this situation before, although not with a spouse, and what I've found worked for me was to talk to the person outside of discussing an issue or problem. If you try to swing back the conversation during the "highjack" you are more likely to have it erupt into an argument, depending on how emotionally charged either one is.

When you are calm and have no problems or issues to really talk about, let this other person know that when you need to talk you need some one to listen. You will listen to their problems (say this only if you truly mean it, but turn around is only fair play!), but you need their undivided attention when talking to them. Avoid the "You make me feel...." and the "When you start doing this..." That will only bring about hurt feelings. Let the other person know how you feel. Example: let him/her know that you feel as if your problems have been discounted when you can't continue describing how you feel. Don't blame the other person outright - you might not realize why they are doing what they do. Rather, concentrate on what you are feeling and let the other person know that.

Don't expect habits to change immediately, but try to put in place some sort of system whereby you can tell the other person they are "doing it again." Spell out which words you will use during the conversation above. Have them agree to it, and don't be surprised if they say to you on occasion. Respecting each other's right to communicate is of the utmost importance.

Good luck!

Great answer Chele

 

[Stiffy Says...]

Have to agree with Chele...

...but know your own limits of tolerance of this beahviour. If the progress is too slow for you to tolerate without building alot of resentment, consider getting out. As much as this is about their behaviour, it is also about your ability to be patient enough for change that may or may not happen.

 

[peachykeen]

If it's a relationship you are serious about, the two of you maybe need a counselor/mediator who can keep the discussion focussed and ensure you both have an equal opportunity to say what you have to say, and can maybe give you strategies to help build better 2-way communication.

 

[sheath]

How do I keep the discussion/argument from being hijacked long enough so that some of my problems with the relationship are addressed?

I LOVE Chele's answer.

Something that works for me, when for whatever reason I can't get through to someone or say what I need to say...I write a letter. A long, thorough, honest letter. If they never get a chance to read it, at least I was able to put my thoughts down and look at them in black and white. That always helps me condense things down, so that later I can talk about it and know that I can cover all the points quickly and clearly.

The other advantage is to GIVE them the letter. Ask them to read it three times. Then ask them to sit and talk with you about it. TALK...not accuse or get upset. The truth and honesty is there in the words you have written. You aren't looking to rehash the problem, you are looking for solutions. And that leads to the biggest rule:

No blame can be thrown during the conversation. If things turn that way, and someone starts to get defensive, the conversation is over. Period. Immediately. You get up from the table and walk to your respective corners for a while.

My man and I learned to do this, and sometimes I swear, it's the only thing that kept me from strangling him, lol.

At the best, it will get through to this person. At the least, you will feel better for venting your feelings and thoughts on paper. Writing down what you want to say can't be anything but beneficial.

S.

 

[autumn_moon]

Thank you for all of your replies and suggestions. Even the ones that seem to answer questions that I didn't ask. You have all given me things to think upon.

I would very much like to keep this relationship and believe that I would be more happy if only a few of my problems are addressed. However, the more that I think about it, the more likely that will never happen.