Discussion: Moyd's Jewel

[KillerMuffin]

A writer that knows what she wants! All right, ladies and gentlemen, have at it!

If you can, not only answer these questions as she's asked, but tell us why. How can we use these answers to improve our own writings? Understanding why something does or does not work.

Nervous smiles and waves to all.

I would appreciate some in-depth editorial comments on the following story:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=78542

Although it stands alone (IMHO), it is also the third chapter in an ongoing work titled <I> Journey Into Submission</I>.

I have the following questions for those gracious enough to loan me their time:

1. Are the main characters 3-dimensional?

2. Is the POV believable?

3. Does the story debunk or reinforce your impressions/views of this lifestyle? (please be specific)

4. How can I improve my writing? (details, details please)

Thank you in advance for your help!

jewel

 

[Madame Manga]

In the interest of full disclosure, I am not into the "lifestyle". I've read about it, here and elsewhere, but my main reason for doing so was to better understand an online relationship that a friend of mine had with a man who calls himself a Dom. This man, unfortunately, is a bad apple to the core; 'nuff said. She is recovering.

So in the last few months, I've read a lot of threads on the Lit BDSM forum, with a rather anthropological air. ;-) I've also read some books on the theory and practice, and picked up The Story of O for the first time. This sort of thing does not chime a deep chord in me. I was reasonably sure that it wouldn't before I began my "research", but you never know--I've opened up to various oddities of my sexual nature in recent years that I never would have expected. I like to give things a fair mental try-on and get the facts before I decide they are not up my alley. So in spite of having come to the subject with some assumptions, I tried to read the posts in the spirit in which they were meant. I had never had a strong reaction to BDSM itself: it was more like a roll of the eyes.

I now realize that the man who abused my friend is simply a fraud, not a representative example of a Dom. Most of the ones who post on Lit sound like responsible and caring people, even if their mode of sexual expression isn't something I want to experience. And I realize that there are intelligent, non-nutty people for whom submission fills a deep and genuine need. I've read their explanations of why they do what they do, and I cannot pass judgment on anyone else's way of exploring herself and her limits.

I suppose that some people might counter-claim that I, a woman living in a monogamous heterosexual marriage, am enslaved to the patriarchial nuclear family and less "free" than a collared 24/7 sub. ;-) To each her own.

Crit: I'm going to be straightforward. It takes less time.

1. Are the main characters 3-dimensional?

This story strikes me as a romance novel. A BDSM one, to be sure, but basically a romance novel. Warning: Loreena McKennit and carefully described pretty dresses are always a dead giveaway. ;-) The woman is flawlessly beautiful and yearning, the man is flawlessly tough and tender. They are polished and perfect, never making serious missteps or offending each other. She shows not an iota of rebellion or even genuine reluctance to submit--she is even volunteering to be pierced--and he never oversteps her limits or holds back too much. She can have a no-hands orgasm on command. He senses her smallest flicker of emotion as if he could read her mind. It comes across as a reasonably well-written fantasy without the irregularities or letdowns of reality. I do not feel much sense of individuality in the characters, no. They do not pop off the page and take on lives of their own.

But I am not sure that is what you want. This world is so idealized in every respect that a flabby man who likes movie musicals or a PMS-prone woman with an evil sense of humor will not seem at home in it. My impression is that you would like to present an image of the perfect BDSM relationship, as you see it, and that you are not interested in introducing conflict or darker themes. I'm not saying that I think you have to write like Raymond Chandler to succeed in what you are doing. ;-) You should do what appeals to you as a writer. But three-dimensional and ideal don't go together, IMO.

2. Is the POV believable?

It is more effective and unified, IMO, when you stay in one head throughout a scene. You have generally stayed with your male protag, except for some digressions in the collaring scene. I felt the jerk of changing POVs here and there: Ruby has "secretly" chosen her clothes, the guests believe her reaction to her trigger word is simply emotional.

3. Does the story debunk or reinforce your impressions/views of this lifestyle? (please be specific)

I probably covered most of that above. As I say, it feels idealized and lacking in conflict, which it has in common with most BDSM stories I have read that were written by self-declared subs. Considering his speech about the various levels of collaring and the vows at the ceremony, there's a high level of PR implied: "Honestly, BDSM is neat and exciting, not icky and synthetic." I'm afraid the seams show. I have the impression that you have written this to please one person in particular, and I am not he.

4. How can I improve my writing? (details, details please)

I'm afraid I will only continue to reflect my own biases here! I would prefer a crisper, less rosy style, a sharper look at the writer's assumptions, and a sense of human limitations. IMO, you need to establish a feeling in the reader that anything can happen, not just the nicest possible alternative. A little bad stuff or a few disappointments throw the moments of ecstasy into higher relief. As it is, the sex scenes are just another lovely episode in Ruby's uniformly lovely existence.

In general, I'd say you need to improve your models. There are writers here who can balance sweetness with spice and give you a story with both happy fucking and a sense of jeopardy. At this time of night, names elude me--but stay away from the romance section when you go to the bookstore next. Try some non-genre fiction, at the very least.

First scene, with my minimal notes (it's getting late):

"Oh god, oh god, oh god," Ruby chanted breathlessly.

Try leaving out the adverbs on speech tags. They are usually not necessary, and if they are, then the dialog itself is probably lacking something. Put the expression into the words themselves. Adverbs as a class are best used very sparingly; verbs are better.

'Music,' AJ thought. As always, her moans and whimpers filled him with a fierce delight, a deep satisfaction that she made this loving music when they fucked: a music to which AJ had rapidly become addicted.

Thought attributions: Usually not necessary when you are in a character's head. The second sentence is overconvoluted--it could easily become two. The word "music" is used three times in a two-sentence paragraph.

Music. Her moans and whimpers always filled him with fierce delight. This loving melody gave AJ deep satisfaction every time they fucked; he had become addicted to her song.

Ruby lay under him, bound face down on a carpeted bench with her luscious ass high and open and ripe. His. Her face, flushed with arousal and heat, was turned partially away and screened by a fall of blonde hair. She moaned long and low in her throat.

Sometimes just the thought of her moans, the mere remembrance of her breathy 'oh god, oh god' was enough to make him hard. AJ groaned as he sheathed his cock again and again into the heated clasp of her soft flesh.

He leaned forward, pushing himself deeper as he bent to sweep aside her hair to nibble on the back of her neck: kneeling behind her, he savored the feeling of being sheathed in the sizzling embrace of her.

"Sheathed" twice in two paragraphs. "Sometimes just the thought...was enough to make him hard." The subject and verb in this sentence are too distant from each other, and the wording is florid.

Sometimes just the memory of her moans was enough to make him hard.

"her sizzling embrace", not "the sizzling embrace of her."

"I am home," he said.

"Ohhh," Ruby whimpered.

Just saying she whimpered is enough; "ohhh" doesn't add anything.

"You belong to me," AJ told her, entranced by the way her body clenched around him. "Feel how you cling to me," he whispered, stroking a loving hand over the curve of her ass. "Exquisite."

"Hot burning," Ruby panted.

Typo? That's a little redundant even in the heat of passion.

You are using a lot of said-bookisms: whimpered, panted, agreed, chanted. Generally, in a two-person scene, you don't need speech attributions at all. Try writing this with no "saids" or equivalents. There is plenty of business going on to make it clear who is speaking in any given paragraph.

"Mmmm," AJ agreed, biting the back of her neck, harder this time. "Feel how perfectly we fit."

I have an image of him saying that while his teeth are buried in her neck, and he sounds muffled. Let him open his mouth before he tries to say anything other than "Mmmm."

His body wrapped closely around hers, skin-to-skin, his cock deep in her ass.

"You were made for this."

Until you said otherwise, I figured he was in her pussy. You might mention this earlier.

Ruby delighted him further by lifting her hips and pressing into him, as though trying to pull more of him in. AJ chuckled and flexed himself inside her.

"I dream of taking you like this," he said, thrusting...a long slow retreat and return. "Until you are liquid with heat, until you moan with need, until you beg me never to leave your body."

Say that aloud. It jolted me clean out of the story with a horselaugh. In any case, he's already taking her, so why he says he's dreaming of it is not clear to me.

Ruby shuddered beneath him and gasped as his speed increased.

"Mine," he said with each thrust, "Mine. Mine. Mine."

Another horselaugh. He sounds like a petulant three-year-old with a toy.

He had already driven her to climax several times this evening and he knew by the spread of goosebumps up her back that she was close to coming again.

"Please," she whimpered, "oh Master, please."

AJ reveled in the gathering heat and power in his lower body as his own climax approached. Energy coiled tighter as he thrust, coiled hotter as his balls tightened.

"as his climax approached...as he thrust...as his balls tightened." Vary your phrasing. "Tighter" and "tightened" in one sentence.

"You may cum, baby."

He had barely uttered the words and she came with her loudest moan yet. Her body vibrated, locked around him vise-like. He loved it; loved the contractions that rippled outward from her pussy and ass, loved her pulse that raced and thundered there where they were joined. A few more deep thrusts and his cum steamed up from his balls, pulsed hotly along his cock and jetted from him in waves of intense pleasure as his body bucked and shuddered.

It was as though the energy had gathered and intensified as they fucked, waiting for its chance; waiting to make the leap, to complete the connection between male and female; waiting to claim this woman. It left AJ feeling spent, gloriously emptied and lighter than air.

The description here uses so many near-cliche phrases and metaphors that the impact is pretty small. I don't feel the erotica in my guts or crotch--there is no telling detail that pulls it out of the routine. Again, I think it's a matter of improving your models. This is by no means dreadful; it needs focus and polish and a lot of rethinking, but I believe you can make something of it. Don't let me discourage you. ;-)

MM

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Jewell,

I know you asked for “some in-depth editorial comments" - well sorry, but you got mine regardless.

I rather enjoy a good bdsm story, and this one in my opinion, is a good one.

I guess the only part where I felt a little let down was Ruby having her nipples pierced. I mean here I was dreading/looking forward to that, and I know others who enjoy this type of story would be too, yet it seemed to come and go within just a few sentences. I felt it was pretty much the pivotal part of you story, so a whole lot more detail was really needed. I think this may have perhaps given your story that ‘anything might happen’ feel that Madam Magna has referred to.

Let me tell you I have friend who has one nipple pierced. He intended having both done, but decided after one, that one was enough. He told me it was the worst pain a man could bear. I think readers of this category would want to ‘feel’ more of Ruby’s piercing from her POV and AJ's.

1. Are the main characters 3-dimensional?

Madam Magna is right they are a perfect couple in a perfect setting, but I didn’t mind that. Damn it I get enough ups and downs in my day to day life, so I really enjoy a little escapism. When I find myself being immersed in a story, like I was here, the characters automatically come to living breathing life for me. When I begin reading an erotic story, and half way through it I begin to feel like a dirty little voyeur, I know the author must be doing something right.

I felt AJ's character could have been a litte stronger, in order to emphasise Ruby's submissiveness, but that just my personal opinion. I enjoy reading about strong Doms and Dommes, they just seem to make a more interesting contrast to the submissive characters.

I find when the dialog feels natural the characters as you put it, are 3D. Things that will jar me out of that feeling are, silly little slip ups like when say an author mentions at the beginning of a story she wasn’t wearing a bra, then a short time later, he unclasped her bra. That kind of thing will jolt me back to reality. I didn’t spot anything like that here though. Obviously spello and typos too, but I tend to skim over those a little easier.

Often when I read a bdsm story it feels as if the Master and sub are perhaps acting out or playing a game, and there’s nothing wrong with that, isn’t the what most bdsm couples do? Very few are 24/7. Here I felt like they were one of the minority.

Is the POV believable?

I’m not sure what you are asking here. Do you mean is it feasible that a submissive woman would volunteer to have her nipples pierced? Or do you mean were the character’s thoughts believable. Help me out here Jewells I’m a struggling with this one. In fact I think I will leave it for those more qualified to answer regardless..

Does the story debunk or reinforce your impressions/views of this lifestyle?

From my own personal pov, neither. Bdsm is just simply not that simple. Sure no couple is ever going to be that perfect in attractiveness and attitude I am sure, however the loving tenderness and total devotion you have portrayed is very real in most bdsm couples. I drives me nuts that when people think of this lifestyle they confuse it with the concept of slavery, and it’s simply not anywhere near it. Bdsm isn’t about conflict - it’s about consent. Really it’s that fine line between Dominant and submissive that makes it so damned exciting. I believe you captured that passion for pleasing and pleasure in your story..

How can I improve my writing? (details, details please)

Sorry doll, but I’m the wrong person to answer that. I’m a rank amateur myself. My only ‘advice’, and this really is just my personal opinion, I felt parts of your story were a little too ’flowery’. Yes, it’s the wrong word I know, but I don’t know the right one. Verbose? What I mean is some words just felt out of place, like you had tried too hard.

A couple of examples:

quote:

.. the mere remembrance of her breathy 'oh god, oh god ..



..the mere ‘memory...’ or '...merely remembering...' would have been sufficient for me. I think 'remembrance' sounds too much like war veterans’ day.

quote:

..hot satisfaction crashed through him..



Again, maybe it’s just me, but hot satisfaction crashing didn’t sound right. I think of satisfaction as a lot of things, but 'hot' just isn’t one of them. ‘Crashing through? This didn’t have a feeling of feelings to me. I know were aiming for intensity, but here and in a couple of other places, things just read oddly to me. Almost has if you had written something, then thought of a more elaborate word or words to use.

Others will probably disagree with me, you may be one of them, and that’s fine by me. Like I said this is just my opinion rather than advice.

Overall, I think your writing is good. I’m just your average Lit reader, and I enjoyed reading this. I would have read it through had I come across it in the archives and not been reading it to give feedback, and I will go back and read the other chapters.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex.(fem)

 

[the_bragis]

IMO, you need to establish a feeling in the reader that anything can happen, not just the nicest possible alternative. A little bad stuff or a few disappointments throw the moments of ecstasy into higher relief. As it is, the sex scenes are just another lovely episode in Ruby's uniformly lovely existence.

It's interesting, almost every story I have read or been read since when ever I can remember has that sense of threat now that I really think about it. Will goldilocks wake up before the three bears arrive home? How will Red Riding Hood avoid being eaten by the big bad wolf? Although the stories have become more sophisticated as I"ve grown up, that element remains in almost any fiction I read.

So when it’s a chapter or part of a series, like this one of Jewell’s, is that element of threat or uncertainty still necessary for a good read? I’m not suggesting there’s a right or wrong here, however in the interest of improving my own writing, I'm as always interested to hear what others here think and why.

Alex.

 

[Madame Manga]

Not that I didn't state it above at probably too great a length...but I'm feeling prolix right now. ;-)

(We haven't heard from the author yet. Did I kill her? I'm sorry.)

Yes, IMO, there has to be conflict of some kind, or a story is just description. "This happened, then this happened." Conflict doesn't have to be a direct physical threat or anything that seems dramatic on its face. It's a relationship between elements and it's the engine for a plot or a theme. It's the structure that keeps a story from collapsing into an invertebrate mass of detail and incident. It's the reason you keep reading in order to find out what will happen.

Will George sneak the last of the chocolate cake before his wife reminds him about his diet? Can Leticia reconcile her yearnings for her carefree youth with her new motherhood? Will Sophonisba make friends with the new girl or snub her as the rest of the school clique demands?

Yes, I think every chapter of a story has to express the ongoing conflict of the main tale, or it's superfluous. It may well have its own smaller and more quickly resolved conflicts. In the specific case, there are two elements to be resolved: the nipple piercing and the collaring. But can you ask a truly dramatic, leading question about either of these elements?

Will Ruby have her nipples pierced? That's answered the moment it arises, because she volunteers to do it out of the blue. Her Master approves almost as quickly. The questions the piercer asks her are nothing but formalities, Ruby takes all her cues from her Master, and everyone congratulates her on her assent. There's no tension, no real question about what will happen--everything is a foregone conclusion and Ruby is a tabula rasa. Part of this stems from the POV, because we are never in her head.

Suppose it had gone something like this instead: Told from Ruby's POV. Master mentions out of role that he likes pierced nipples. Ruby hesitates. He immediately drops the matter. She thinks about it for a while. It wasn't a demand or even a direct suggestion to her. What he has offered is an opportunity to volunteer her submission in an area where she has difficulties. She fears the pain very much, but she longs to please her Master. She tries to overcome her fears for his sake. She leaves out the nipple clips on the dresser as a hint, and he applies them to her during a scene. She fantasizes that she is pierced while he tugs on the clips. This excites her.

She appreciates his approach to the matter, since he hasn't mentioned it again--he is letting the idea percolate in her mind until it obsesses her. It is not a conflict between Dom and sub, it is a conflict within herself. She asks a pierced friend what it was like. She looks at nipple jewelry in a store. She examines herself in the shower and twiddles her nipples while thinking it over. All the while she becomes more agitated and restless. What will she choose--her personal comfort or her growth as a submissive? Master observes this and knows what is going on, but makes no comment. Finally the mental pressure is too much for her, and she makes her decision. She comes to her Master and begs to be allowed to have her nipples pierced for his pleasure.

Same material, same basic action--but this time, with conflict. When it's set up that way, the incidents practically write themselves. Proof positive--I am not even into this stuff, and it all generated in a few minutes! ;-)

MM

 

[Citadel]

Feeding into a comment from the_bragis

About the story by Jewell - talk about convoluted feedback......lol

I can only agree. It is the sense of threat, at least of the unknown if not of the actions of a character, which makes a story "stand out" in my mind.

They do not need to be about slave/master to capture this, for a straight "all is love" story can have the "potential new mate" as a character to threaten the existing relationship, but it is the adrenaline rush of "what if" which makes me remember a piece.

Predictability in a story, like a partner, leads to stagnation and boredom. Folk have to lead boring lines outside of fiction, or the world would never have the nuclear family, but fiction is their chance to run naked into the woods, screaming "shock me".

Jewell - I only applauded you in passing, but your story is a good example of a "threatening" presence which grabs the reader.

Kudos from a newbie............scant praise indeed I guess......lol

 

[the_bragis]

Feeding into a comment from the_bragis
About the story by Jewell - talk about convoluted feedback......lol

Well I never have and never will claim to be an expert, so my opinions are just that. It's unfortunate that comments like yours may put some people off giving feedback.

I hope that anyone reading any of my feedbacks will bear in mind, and respect, that I"m just an average reader giving an honest opinion.

I guess I at least made you laugh.

Alex.

 

[Madame Manga]

Convoluted? I think Citadel was talking about me. ;-) Now there he/she would be justified--I've rarely gone on at such length.

Author? Where did she go? Damn. Now I'm feeling bad. Go on, honey--tell me I'm a harsh old bitch with no appreciation for the sublime. I'll probably agree with you. ;-)

Though I doubt much could discourage me from feedbacking when I'm in the mood...

MM

 

[Citadel]

I am sorry, it was meant as a self-depreciating remark

...that I was commenting on a comment about a story. Your feedback was so good, in fact, that it inspired me to write in the first place.

I meant no offence and I am sorry that I caused some to you

 

[Moyds_jewel]

story feedback

Hiya MM;
I've been away for the weekend...was surprised and pleased to find your feedback (almost forgot about posting the request!).

Madame, it's unfortunately true that assholes are everywhere. I am sorry though, that your friend was hurt by one purporting to be dominant.

1. Are the main characters 3-dimensional?

This story strikes me as a romance novel. A BDSM one, to be sure, but basically a romance novel.

So is romance not allowed in erotica? IMO, erotica without some kind of romance is simply pornography...

Warning: Loreena McKennit and carefully described pretty dresses are always a dead giveaway. ;-) The woman is flawlessly beautiful and yearning, the man is flawlessly tough and tender.

Grins. Ah, now HERE is where the demands of those in the BDSM and D/s communities conflict with expectations of a wider readership. I had received several requests for a collaring ceremony with details so...<shrugs>...details is what they got. I find it fascinating that your interpretation of Ruby is that she is beautiful when I went out of my way not to describe her much beyond hair and eye color and details of dress.

My impression is that you would like to present an image of the perfect BDSM relationship, as you see it, and that you are not interested in introducing conflict or darker themes. I'm not saying that I think you have to write like Raymond Chandler to succeed in what you are doing. ;-) You should do what appeals to you as a writer. But three-dimensional and ideal don't go together, IMO.

You are correct in that part of my goal as a writer was to present an ideal D/s relationship and hopefully show that it is NOT one of pain and humiliation (unless the participants wish it to be), but of love and trust. I see your point about ideal clashing with real, though.

2. Is the POV believable?

It is more effective and unified, IMO, when you stay in one head throughout a scene. You have generally stayed with your male protag, except for some digressions in the collaring scene. I felt the jerk of changing POVs here and there: Ruby has "secretly" chosen her clothes, the guests believe her reaction to her trigger word is simply emotional.

Nodsnodsnods. I wasn't clear on why I asked this question. What I meant was...it is difficult for me as a submissive to put myself in a dominant's head. I was wondering if the dominant's POV sounded believable..

3. Does the story debunk or reinforce your impressions/views of this lifestyle? (please be specific)

...As I say, it feels idealized and lacking in conflict, which it has in common with most BDSM stories I have read that were written by self-declared subs. Considering his speech about the various levels of collaring and the vows at the ceremony, there's a high level of PR implied: "Honestly, BDSM is neat and exciting, not icky and synthetic." I'm afraid the seams show. I have the impression that you have written this to please one person in particular, and I am not he.

"self-declared subs"....I'm wondering who else would know??
Well, it's true that this entire series of Ruby and AJ is written primarily to please my Master. I am not thrilled to know that the seams show, though.

4. How can I improve my writing? (details, details please)

I'm afraid I will only continue to reflect my own biases here! I would prefer a crisper, less rosy style, a sharper look at the writer's assumptions, and a sense of human limitations. IMO, you need to establish a feeling in the reader that anything can happen, not just the nicest possible alternative. A little bad stuff or a few disappointments throw the moments of ecstasy into higher relief. As it is, the sex scenes are just another lovely episode in Ruby's uniformly lovely existence.

In general, I'd say you need to improve your models. There are writers here who can balance sweetness with spice and give you a story with both happy fucking and a sense of jeopardy. At this time of night, names elude me--but stay away from the romance section when you go to the bookstore next. Try some non-genre fiction, at the very least.

I'm wondering what you would think of my latest effort: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=90118

Thank you for the notes on adverbs, on attributions, I like your restating: Music. Her moans and whimpers always filled him with fierce delight. This loving melody gave AJ deep satisfaction every time they fucked; he had become addicted to her song. very much!


"Hot burning," Ruby panted. Typo? That's a little redundant even in the heat of passion. LOL...yes it is! <blushing>

"Mmmm," AJ agreed, biting the back of her neck, harder this time. "Feel how perfectly we fit." I have an image of him saying that while his teeth are buried in her neck, and he sounds muffled. Let him open his mouth before he tries to say anything other than "Mmmm." Point taken <more blushing>

His body wrapped closely around hers, skin-to-skin, his cock deep in her ass. Until you said otherwise, I figured he was in her pussy. You might mention this earlier. Why? I like the shock of discovery here...

Ruby shuddered beneath him and gasped as his speed increased. "Mine," he said with each thrust, "Mine. Mine. Mine."
Another horselaugh. He sounds like a petulant three-year-old with a toy. I plead another D/s driven cause here. Hearing one's dominant reassert his claim gives a submissive a large erotic jolt. <grins> So sue me.

"...It was as though the energy had gathered and intensified as they fucked, waiting for its chance; waiting to make the leap, to complete the connection between male and female; waiting to claim this woman. It left AJ feeling spent, gloriously emptied and lighter than air. "

The description here uses so many near-cliche phrases and metaphors that the impact is pretty small. I don't feel the erotica in my guts or crotch--there is no telling detail that pulls it out of the routine.

Well dang. Routine? (How late did you say it was when you wrote this??) So...in the vast soup of Literotica postings...it's nothing special? Madame, I'm crushed (not irrevocably so, don't worry) Kinda feel like I've been raked over the coals and thrown in cold water. Invigoratin'!

Thank you for your time and comments, I DO appreciate them (picture me slinking back to word processor with tail between legs).

be well,
jewel

 

[Moyds_jewel]

story feedback

Hiya Alex;
Thanks for taking the time to review and critique my story.

I rather enjoy a good bdsm story, and this one in my opinion, is a good one.

I guess the only part where I felt a little let down was Ruby having her nipples pierced. I mean here I was dreading/looking forward to that, and I know others who enjoy this type of story would be too, yet it seemed to come and go within just a few sentences. I felt it was pretty much the pivotal part of you story, so a whole lot more detail was really needed. I think this may have perhaps given your story that ‘anything might happen’ feel that Madam Magna has referred to.

Let me tell you I have friend who has one nipple pierced. He intended having both done, but decided after one, that one was enough. He told me it was the worst pain a man could bear. I think readers of this category would want to ‘feel’ more of Ruby’s piercing from her POV and AJ's.

LOL, you aren't the first to lament lack of detail in the nipple piercing. What was pivotal to me was Ruby's willingness to have her nipples pierced in the face of her fear of pain, NOT the actual piercing.

Isn't it a GOOD thing men don't have to give birth??

1. Are the main characters 3-dimensional?

Madam Magna is right they are a perfect couple in a perfect setting, but I didn’t mind that. Damn it I get enough ups and downs in my day to day life, so I really enjoy a little escapism. When I find myself being immersed in a story, like I was here, the characters automatically come to living breathing life for me. When I begin reading an erotic story, and half way through it I begin to feel like a dirty little voyeur, I know the author must be doing something right.

Phew! thanks..

Often when I read a bdsm story it feels as if the Master and sub are perhaps acting out or playing a game, and there’s nothing wrong with that, isn’t the what most bdsm couples do? Very few are 24/7. Here I felt like they were one of the minority.

I'm taking this to mean you felt Ruby and AJ were NOT acting out a game?

Is the POV believable?

I’m not sure what you are asking here. Do you mean is it feasible that a submissive woman would volunteer to have her nipples pierced? Or do you mean were the character’s thoughts believable. Help me out here Jewells I’m a struggling with this one. In fact I think I will leave it for those more qualified to answer regardless..

Well, as I told MM, it is not an easy thing for me as a submissive to place myself in a dominant's head and think for him....so I wondered if the POV rang true.

Does the story debunk or reinforce your impressions/views of this lifestyle?

From my own personal pov, neither. Bdsm is just simply not that simple. Sure no couple is ever going to be that perfect in attractiveness and attitude I am sure, however the loving tenderness and total devotion you have portrayed is very real in most bdsm couples. I drives me nuts that when people think of this lifestyle they confuse it with the concept of slavery, and it’s simply not anywhere near it. Bdsm isn’t about conflict - it’s about consent. Really it’s that fine line between Dominant and submissive that makes it so damned exciting. I believe you captured that passion for pleasing and pleasure in your story..

Thank you, I'm glad to know that.

How can I improve my writing? (details, details please)

Sorry doll, but I’m the wrong person to answer that. I’m a rank amateur myself. My only ‘advice’, and this really is just my personal opinion, I felt parts of your story were a little too ’flowery’. Yes, it’s the wrong word I know, but I don’t know the right one. Verbose? What I mean is some words just felt out of place, like you had tried too hard.

Got it.


.. the mere remembrance of her breathy 'oh god, oh god ..

..the mere ‘memory...’ or '...merely remembering...' would have been sufficient for me. I think 'remembrance' sounds too much like war veterans’ day.
Nods, laughing.

..hot satisfaction crashed through him..

Again, maybe it’s just me, but hot satisfaction crashing didn’t sound right. I think of satisfaction as a lot of things, but 'hot' just isn’t one of them. ‘Crashing through? This didn’t have a feeling of feelings to me. I know were aiming for intensity, but here and in a couple of other places, things just read oddly to me. Almost has if you had written something, then thought of a more elaborate word or words to use.
I wasn't happy with this line either and didn't take the time to fix it. Kick me.

Overall, I think your writing is good. I’m just your average Lit reader, and I enjoyed reading this. I would have read it through had I come across it in the archives and not been reading it to give feedback, and I will go back and read the other chapters.

I wish you well with your future writing.

I am glad that you chimed in after MM got through with me (laughing ruefully). I am interested to know what your opinion is after reading the entire Ruby/AJ series...

Thanks again for your time and comments. I appreciate them.

be well,
jewel

 

[Madame Manga]

Re: story feedback

Hiya MM;
I've been away for the weekend...was surprised and pleased to find your feedback (almost forgot about posting the request!).

Madame, it's unfortunately true that assholes are everywhere. I am sorry though, that your friend was hurt by one purporting to be dominant.

I was so furious with that man (who likes to impersonate a particular celebrity, FYI) and so amazed that she had fallen into his clutches to that extent that I had to educate myself about BDSM or bust. I was relieved at what I found, in point of fact. I had gotten the impression there was a vast online underground of aggressive predators exploiting the delusions of needy women. ;-) Naturally some of that goes on, but it is not the usual thing as far as I can tell. Still, I feel even more leery of cyber now!

So is romance not allowed in erotica? IMO, erotica without some kind of romance is simply pornography...

Nothing wrong with porn, IMO. ;-) But having been a romance reader in my teens, I burned out on the cliches of the genre a long time ago. That doesn't mean I don't like love stories. The challenge is to present love in a fresh, effective manner without calling up the overused images of cheap paperbacks. The average romance novel has always had a lot of submerged D/s psychology, up to and including bondage scenes. Now that I know more about the lifestyle, those elements spring out in my memory of many romances. BDSM alone will not set your story apart.

Grins. Ah, now HERE is where the demands of those in the BDSM and D/s communities conflict with expectations of a wider readership. I had received several requests for a collaring ceremony with details so...<shrugs>...details is what they got.

What I would look for here is not a lack of detail, but different details. The "wider readership", judging by the popularity of romance novels, is very fond of clothing description, self-written marriage or quasi-marriage vows and modern Celtic ballads. I'm sure you can find something less tired to evoke the atmosphere you want.

I find it fascinating that your interpretation of Ruby is that she is beautiful when I went out of my way not to describe her much beyond hair and eye color and details of dress.

A detail or two would have been helpful here, then. If she is not meant to be flawless, mention her flaws to prove otherwise. Otherwise she is a luscious-assed, pretty-nippled blonde with nothing else distinctive about her. The general atmosphere of the story hardly allows for the heroine to be other than gorgeous. ;-)


What I meant was...it is difficult for me as a submissive to put myself in a dominant's head. I was wondering if the dominant's POV sounded believable.

Now that's a different concern. As I say, I have a little trouble with the idea of a man who can accurately read a woman's mind. ;-) Sure, that would be nice, but it's so far from reality that it needs more justification. Can't he ever make a slight misjudgment in that area? Otherwise it falls into the realm of magical ESP, no matter how well tuned he is to his sub.


"self-declared subs"....I'm wondering who else would know??

I'm a cynic. ;-) I have no way of knowing if the writers have actual experience in the lifestyle. It cuts no ice with me as a reader, in point of fact--all I am interested in is the merits of the story. Calling oneself a sub is about on a par with saying "This is a true story"; that's as may be.

Well, it's true that this entire series of Ruby and AJ is written primarily to please my Master. I am not thrilled to know that the seams show, though.

Here's a case where leaving out some detail might be beneficial. Too much expository dialog is dull and heavy--it sounds like a promotional speech when he goes on at such length about collaring. Wouldn't she know this already, anyway? If you believe the information is essential, break it up into smaller chunks or incorporate it into genuine dialog with some give and take, such as a girlfriend of hers asking her how collaring works.

I'm wondering what you would think of my latest effort:

I'll PM you.

Thank you for the notes on adverbs, on attributions, I like your restating:

A book I would highly recommend: Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Brown and Dave King. Wonderful advice for clarifying and strengthening your writing.

Until you said otherwise, I figured he was in her pussy. You might mention this earlier.

Why? I like the shock of discovery here...

Because it doesn't shock me in the least to find out he's ass-fucking her. ;-) It's only a detail of the physical placement of the actors. Clarity is better than a jolt of "Oh, wait a minute, now I have to rearrange my mental picture." Reserve authorial coyness for essential points that must be kept mysterious for the sake of the plot.


Well dang. Routine? (How late did you say it was when you wrote this??) So...in the vast soup of Literotica postings...it's nothing special? Madame, I'm crushed (not irrevocably so, don't worry) Kinda feel like I've been raked over the coals and thrown in cold water. Invigoratin'!

I do most of my erotic reading in the wee hours when no one will interrupt me. I have small children. ;-)

You're welcome. That's what I always want from crit and too rarely get. I know I am a long way from perfect--I need to be told so in great detail if I am to improve. I'm glad to see you took it so well--that alone tells me that you are going to get better and better as a writer. Be well.

MM

 

[Madame Manga]

Re: I am sorry, it was meant as a self-depreciating remark

...that I was commenting on a comment about a story. Your feedback was so good, in fact, that it inspired me to write in the first place.

I meant no offence and I am sorry that I caused some to you

No prob. It's usually a waste of time even to intend to cause me offense. ;-) Either I laugh my ass off or I don't even take it that way.

MM

 

[champagne1982]

Hello my darling Jewel. I am the last person to feel I'm at all qualified to answer your style and content questions but I'll try to offer comment anyway.

1. Are the main characters 3-dimensional?

I think so. You've given us personal glimpses of their feelings and desires throughout the story, rounding out their existance.

2. Is the POV believable?

I'm glad I'm answering this now that you've explained what you mean by this. I have no idea how a Dom would think either. I'm willing to bet your ideas of his thoughts are more believable than mine.

3. Does the story debunk or reinforce your impressions/views of this lifestyle? (please be specific)

Absolutely! Thankyou for your insight.
There is something more I need to say about it though and I fear it's a little negative. Oh well! I guess as growing authors we'd better be able to deal with the bad stuff too. In a nutshell, I felt that the listing of collar status was encyclopaedic. I didn't like this section at all. It was like I was sitting through a mandatory lecture on a subject I wasn't terribly interested in.
Maybe, it would have been a little less like a chapter in a text book if you'd had her mentally catagorize some friends in the different stages of commitment. I found it amazing that AJ went straight to formal collaring of Ruby prior to passing through the preliminary steps that seemed almost neccessary in the confirmation of the roles they were accepting.

4. How can I improve my writing? (details, details please)

Other than taking the fine advice from the more experienced authors and editors than I and running with it, you could give us more details. Maybe an exclusive chapter on the nipple peircing would work better than it does grouping it with the collaring.
Since this is a book length tale, you shouldn't be concerned about keeping the details sparse. Grow a great rambling wild flower garden that's vivid and lush.


Thankyou for sharing your story though Jewel. I'm going to read some more of your work.

xoxox xxxotica....

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Citadel,

Apology accepted, but since this is a bdsm thread, only after I've spanked you.

Alex (fem)

 

[Moyds_jewel]

Hiya XXX!
It's wonderful to see you here.

3. Does the story debunk or reinforce your impressions/views of this lifestyle? (please be specific)

Absolutely! Thankyou for your insight.
There is something more I need to say about it though and I fear it's a little negative. Oh well! I guess as growing authors we'd better be able to deal with the bad stuff too. In a nutshell, I felt that the listing of collar status was encyclopaedic. I didn't like this section at all. It was like I was sitting through a mandatory lecture on a subject I wasn't terribly interested in.
Maybe, it would have been a little less like a chapter in a text book if you'd had her mentally catagorize some friends in the different stages of commitment. I found it amazing that AJ went straight to formal collaring of Ruby prior to passing through the preliminary steps that seemed almost neccessary in the confirmation of the roles they were accepting.

Hey, after MM's critique, I can take anything! Aw, c'mon xxx! If it's ok for vanilla lovers to propose after only knowing each other for a month, how come a dominant can't choose to skip levels of collaring for the biggie??

4. How can I improve my writing? (details, details please)

Other than taking the fine advice from the more experienced authors and editors than I and running with it, you could give us more details. Maybe an exclusive chapter on the nipple peircing would work better than it does grouping it with the collaring.
Since this is a book length tale, you shouldn't be concerned about keeping the details sparse. Grow a great rambling wild flower garden that's vivid and lush.


Thankyou for sharing your story though Jewel. I'm going to read some more of your work.

xoxox xxxotica....

(shivers @ describing nipple piercing in detail. O2, stat!) Book length?
Thank you for taking the time to review this story for me, xxx. I appreciate the comments.
be well,
jewel

 

[Citadel]

*stands up , with rosey cheeks*

Fair enough )

 

[Alex756]

Jewel's 3rd chapter part 1

Jewel, let me start by *hug* Since my plans got pushed back to tomorrow, I have some time on my hands and a bitterly clear mind to be much more harsh to this than I was when I first told you what I think
}<> }<> }<><>{ <>{


"Oh god, oh god, oh god," Ruby chanted breathlessly.

>I have an issue with this. Its too coherant. chanting and breathless >is implying to me alot less use of linquidstic skills than the ability >to repeat 2 sylables with any accuracy. Perhaps a re-phrases s

'Music,' AJ thought. As always, her moans and whimpers filled him with a fierce delight, a deep satisfaction that she made this loving music when they fucked: a music to which AJ had rapidly become addicted.

>Is it me or would a dash look better than a colon,grammar schmammer if >it works better rules be damned. Also perhaps a variance to 'music' >maybe something invovleing notes, chords, harmony, acoustic, something >to vary the music, I mean I know he's rather listen to her than what >ever is in his CD player, but the 3 musics seems a little much for me

Ruby lay under him, bound face down on a carpeted bench with her luscious ass high and open and ripe. His . Her face, flushed with arousal and heat, was turned partially away and screened by a fall of blonde hair. She moaned long and low in her throat.

>I assume my cut and paste fucked up here, lord know how wonderful this >computer is *vague threats to computer* If this were me writing, and >lord know I ain't perfect, I'd have her hair covering her face before >the flushed heat part. It seems to focus more form wider to narrower >that way and brings us to her vocalization

Sometimes just the thought of her moans, the mere remembrance of her breathy 'oh god, oh god' was enough to make him hard. AJ groaned as he sheathed his cock again and again into the heated clasp of her soft flesh.

>back to the line I'm not crazy about. Instead of the oh god oh god, >maybe something like breathy song of passion, but better than that >becasue thats too close to poetry But jewel you're better at such >words than I am and I know could take the idea of what I mean and >execute it much better. I like the cock, the sheath ... I don't know >.. maybe i've watched one to many samuri movies with a woman being >called a sheath to keep a warriors sword from getting dull that it >seems a bit over done unles set in feudal Japan. Possibly just a me >thing but thought I'd mention

He leaned forward, pushing himself deeper as he bent to sweep aside her hair to nibble on the back of her neck: kneeling behind her, he savored the feeling of being sheathed in the sizzling embrace of her.

>sheathed again, hmm just drop sheathed in the sentance. I think the >feeling of being in her sizzling embrace also gets rid of the >prepositional phrase at the end, and maybe add tight or some such to >remind us he is in her.

"I am home," he said.

"Ohhh," Ruby whimpered.

"You belong to me," AJ told her, entranced by the way her body clenched around him. "Feel how you cling to me," he whispered, stroking a loving hand over the curve of her ass. "Exquisite."

>OK this works. It gives me the creepy feeling so thats a near sure >sign he is showing a real Dom thing.

"Hot burning," Ruby panted.

>Maybe just burning, hot burning seems a little over kill and maybe a >slight change in sentence structure, Panting, she gasped, "Burning." >Just have had a few paragraphs start "quote" person said-type-word.

"Mmmm," AJ agreed, biting the back of her neck, harder this time. "Feel how perfectly we fit."

His body wrapped closely around hers, skin-to-skin, his cock deep in her ass.

"You were made for this."

>ditto on the this is right, same creepy feeling even with how I am >reading it in fragments this time as I comment

Ruby delighted him further by lifting her hips and pressing into him, as though trying to pull more of him in. AJ chuckled and flexed himself inside her.

"I dream of taking you like this," he said, thrusting...a long slow retreat and return. "Until you are liquid with heat, until you moan with need, until you beg me never to leave your body."

Ruby shuddered beneath him and gasped as his speed increased.

"Mine," he said with each thrust, "Mine. Mine. Mine."

>Yeah its a bit kid in the candy shop .. but he IS a bit kid in the >candy shop. I mean he has gotten himself a new sub who is completely >devoted to him to an extent that it creeps me a bit.

He had already driven her to climax several times this evening and he knew by the spread of goosebumps up her back that she was close to coming again.

"Please," she whimpered, "oh Master, please."

AJ reveled in the gathering heat and power in his lower body as his own climax approached. Energy coiled tighter as he thrust, coiled hotter as his balls tightened.

"You may cum, baby."

>hmmm ... OK, At first this jarred me, then I thought and was fine with >it, then I over analylized. Why is he calling her baby? for some >reason I was expecting her 'word' here and I don't 100% know why. So >I don't know what to say cept this jared me for some reason.

He had barely uttered the words and she came with her loudest moan yet. Her body vibrated, locked around him vise-like. He loved it; loved the contractions that rippled outward from her pussy and ass, loved her pulse that raced and thundered there where they were joined. A few more deep thrusts and his cum steamed up from his balls, pulsed hotly along his cock and jetted from him in waves of intense pleasure as his body bucked and shuddered.

It was as though the energy had gathered and intensified as they fucked, waiting for its chance; waiting to make the leap, to complete the connection between male and female; waiting to claim this woman. It left AJ feeling spent, gloriously emptied and lighter than air.

>He seems to lose his DOMness in these 2 paragraphs. Not sure how to >explain it more than that other than he becomes just a man here. Not >sure if you intend a more human side to come out here or if he just >isn't perfectly Dom or if its just me reading too much into the fact I >didn't get all on edge from these 2 paragraphs.


An hour or so later, AJ glanced over the edge of his book and watched without seeming to as Ruby crossed the living room to kneel at his feet. Fresh from the shower, the short cobalt silk kimono clung faithfully to her damp skin.

>without seeming to .. covertly glanced towards Ruby as she crossed the >living room .... without seeming to seems awkward here to me.

She stumbled a little as she halted before him, still uncertain on the black high heels. He pretended not to see the stumble or the mortified look she threw him as she knelt. Such imperfections, AJ had learned in their months together, endeared her all the more to him.

He reasoned that it was all very well to demand perfection from his submissive; but to expect perfection when he himself was imperfect could only be hubris.

He put the book aside and gave Ruby all of his attention. The kimono shimmered with each shiver that racked her lush form, betraying her emotion. She knelt back on her heels in silence, her eyes downcast and her hands palm-down on her thighs. Though she had dried her hair, damp tendrils curled against her neck and temple.

His heart thumped once, painfully, at the vulnerable picture of his submissive. She had submitted, given her body and her mind into his care and direction. It was a heavy, enthralling responsibility. AJ curved his hand under her chin and tilted her face. When her lashes lifted he confirmed what he had suspected; her smoky eyes were filled with tears.

"I'm sorry for the stumble, Sir."

Ruby delighted him as no other submissive, completely - innocently - open in her reactions to him and his domination. She held nothing back and such honesty was in itself an enticement, a seduction. Tenderly, he stroked his thumb along her cheek.

"Ruby, love. There is no need for tears. You please me."

Her chin wobbled in his hand as her tears spilled over and she caught back a sob. She fought to bring herself under control and meet his gaze and he loved the valiant struggle as well as her refusal to hide it from him.

"I want to please you always, Sir, and all ways."

"I have no problem with that," he smiled.

However, she did not relax and the tension in her puzzled him.

"You know that I do not like pain, Sir."

It occurred to him then that she had nerved herself up to tell him something important and her entire body strained with the effort. AJ recalled a conversation they'd had near the beginning of their relationship during which Ruby had declared defiantly that she was not a pain slut. Pain had been an early-established limit for her.

"Yes," he answered quietly, "I know."

"If it pleases you, Sir, I would like to have my nipples pierced."

>OK my thought on the nipple piercing, for anyone reading this that >doens't know, I know I've told jewel this. I am a wimp with piercing, >I know this from my hyperventalating, near passing out fit in one of >those mall places when I got my ears pierced in 8th grade. But even >the wimp that I am, when I read this, in conjunction with the first 2 >chapters, I didn't get squimish. With her reaction to the seriousness >of this, it just struck me as she has been thinking LONG and hard >about this, over and over, sleepless night and finnaly came to this >conclusion. No we didn't see that struggle, but thats becasue we >haven't been in her head and -that- is the reason I was finally >able to pin down for why the piercing thing did not seem quick or >wrong to me -- I know 3 days of the 5 lonely braincells in my head >working over time.

He saw a trust there as he intently searched her face, and fear, and a faith that he would see into her heart; that he would understand she pushed her own limits as a measure of her devotion to him, that she offered piercing as a gift. And because it was a gift unsought, because he understood the depths of her fear of pain and therefore the depths of her need to submit to him, tenderness surged through him.

"Come here, baby."

>this time calling her baby seems perfectly natural to me, not sure of >the differance

He helped her up onto his lap and cradled her in his arms. Possessively, AJ slid his hand inside the kimono and up Ruby's belly until he cupped her breast in his big hand.

"Piercing is a personal choice, Ruby."

"But you like it, Sir."

"Regardless, it must be your decision. I would never command body modification of my submissive. Tell me why you have changed your mind about it."

He took pride and delight in her growth as his submissive. That pride washed through him as he watched her strive to put into words how she had come to view nipple piercing - once a hard limit - as something she now wanted done.

"I want to...give you..." she spoke slowly, hesitantly, as she puzzled it out in her own mind, "to show you the depths of my...need...my desire...to please you, Sir. To show you the measure of my submission."

He caught her nipple in his fingers, tugged it sharply and adored her gasp of pleasure.

"Are you absolutely sure you want to have these pretty nipples pierced, lover?"

"Yes, Sir," she answered fervently, "but it...scares me."

"Of course it does." He cupped her pussy and chuckled in her ear, "It excites you, too, doesn't it? The thought of having pierced nipples...has made you wet."

She nodded and pressed her face into his neck. He knew by the heat that she was blushing. She lifted her eyes to his and whispered tremulously, "Will you come with me, Master?"

"Baby, this is a wonderful loving gift you have offered me," his voice low, intent, all amusement gone. "Thank you. In return, I promise to hold you in my arms while the piercing is done."

>emotional note .. for some reason this makes me want to slap him, thus >bravo, I think you are doing a very good job of getting the Dom POV >going, otherewise I wouldn't get as mad at him as I do reading this

She smiled mistily, "Thank you, Master! I can do anything if you are with me."

He hugged her again, "You have grown, baby. I am proud of you."

"It may be growth, my Master," she whispered as though she could not trust her own voice, "but it is also love that has brought me here...to this request."

AJ's heart jerked in his chest as hot satisfaction crashed through him. He kissed her.

A week later, after he had asked for and received Ruby's pledge that she had not changed her mind, they stood together in the foyer of a small office. A discreet sign outside called the business "Body Art."

Ruby completed the paperwork swiftly then stood close to AJ, shivering. With a smile, he placed his hand against her lower back and pulled her closer.

"Where are you, lover?"

Her eyes flicked to his face, away, and then back for a longer, considering look. He treasured that look, that window into her psyche. Almost, he could hear her thinking; 'why has Master asked me this when the answer is so obvious?' and 'what am I missing?' The moment she found the answer, her face smoothed, relaxed.

>OK its not head hopping, but its close. this paragraph just ... its >not as smooth as what is before it and what is after

"I am at my Master's side, Sir."

Nervous tension flowed out of her and as she spoke she quieted beneath his hand. AJ smiled and kissed her on the forehead: a benediction, a reward.

"Good girl."

"Are you ready?" a new voice, female, spoke behind them.

AJ turned and grinned, leaving Ruby's side to cross the room and envelop the newcomer in a hug.

"Lisle!"

"Put me down, you great oaf!" her laughter belied her words.

He laughed and twirled her once before setting her back on her feet. A tiny woman - barely five feet tall - with short curly black hair and snapping dark eyes, she stood glaring at him in mock anger.

"It's great to see you, too, Lisle-love." AJ chuckled.

"How are you, AJ?" she relented and grinned up at him. "I haven't seen you since I heard about you and Amy splitting...I was sorry to hear that."

"I'm fine and it was an amicable split, Lisle. I wish Amy all the best."

"So..." Lisle's gaze slid to Ruby, standing nervously in the middle of the room.

"So, I want you to meet Ruby. Ruby, this is Lisle. You will refer to her as 'ma'am.'"

"Yes, Sir." she answered softly and smiled hesitantly at the smaller woman. "Pleased to meet you, Lisle-ma'am."

"Hmmm." Lisle strode to the desk, picked up the clipboard with Ruby's completed forms and scanned them quickly. After a moment, she glanced up and demanded, "Why do you want your nipples pierced?"

Ruby threw a panicked look at AJ but when he merely raised a brow, she stuttered into speech, "B..because I love nipple play, ma'am, and this will allow my Master more...more..." she broke off, rattled.

AJ shifted his weight, drawing another glance from his submissive. This time, he caught her gaze and smiled at her. With warm approval, he watched as she visibly steadied, tilted her chin and finished coolly:

"Piercing my nipples will allow us more variety in our play, ma'am."

"Has your Master requested this piercing?"

"No ma'am. I requested it and Master gave his permission."

"Do you understand the risks that piercing and possible subsequent infections might pose?"

"Yes ma'am. The risks do not change my decision. I wish to be pierced in both nipples."

For the first time, Lisle smiled at Ruby and both relaxed a bit. "Do you have the nipple jewelry you want inserted?"

"Master has them, ma'am."

AJ reached into his pocket and retrieved two fine gold loops. Lisle took them, looked them over closely and nodded.

"Let's get started then. Follow me."

She turned and disappeared through another door. Ruby followed and halted so abruptly just inside the next room that AJ bumped into her. She stood frozen, staring at the table and the instruments near it. The room smelled of disinfectant, ink, and other -harsher- chemicals.

When AJ put his hands on her hips and urged her forward, she caught his left hand in hers and gripped it tightly.

"Disrobe completely above the waist and have a seat here," Lisle said, indicating an armchair, her attention on her instruments. Ruby did not move.

"You please me well, my own." AJ murmured.

> Yes what will happen is a forgone conclusion, but it was a forgone >conclusion before she asked him for permission if you ask me. However >the window into how she gets through this and he acts rings very true >to me,.

She swallowed hard and reluctantly let go of his hand to grasp the bottom of her peach top and draw it off over her head. After a short pause and a deep breath, she then removed her white lace bra and stood in the center of the room, shivering.

Affection shot through AJ as he watched Ruby struggle with her fear of pain and her embarrassment at being exposed half-naked to a stranger. This was a conflict she chose in order to display her submission to him. He closed the distance between them, caught her hand in his and led her to the chair.

"Good girl." He said warmly, leaning down to plant a kiss on each of her hardening nipples.

Then he sat in the chair and drew her down onto his lap, her back to his front. With an affectionate nuzzle against her neck, he soothed and calmed her. Lisle slid over on a wheeled stool and swabbed disinfectant on Ruby's skin. The cold bite of the liquid served to draw her nipples up tight and hard.

"Lovely breasts," Lisle commented as she fiddled with something sharp, "36 C?"

Ruby nodded and AJ felt shivers of apprehension surge through her. "Oh, but..." she said and then halted when Lisle looked up.

"Yes?"

"I...I thought you would use a punch...like those for ear piercing."

Lisle displayed the long thin needle in her hand and shook her head:

"A needle like this is actually much sharper and less painful, little one. Think of it as a razor blade in needle form. A round blade, in fact."

AJ tracked another shudder through Ruby's body and urged her to relax against him.

"Lean back, baby and give me a kiss," he whispered in her ear.

She flattened herself against him almost frantically before turning to offer her mouth. AJ kissed her ardently and long, until he felt her tension ease.

"You do not have to do this, lover," he said against her lips.

"I know I don't, Sir. I want to."

"I'm so proud of you, sweetheart." AJ said and kissed her again, capturing both of her wrists in one hand as he did so.

With a sure swift touch, Lisle used the needle to pierce Ruby's left nipple, deftly inserting the gold hoop before moving over and repeating the procedure on the right nipple.

Ruby's entire body froze at the first thrust of the needle but she did not move her mouth from AJ's. Her pulse fluttered and sped beneath his fingers and a kick of fear jolted through him at the display of her fragility, at the first whisper of what it might mean to be without this woman. He lifted his head and released her wrists to affectionately stroke the hair from her face.

"Thank you for this gift, Ruby-mine. I love you,"

Tears welled...trembled on the edge of her lashes then overflowed in a slow spill of deep emotion. Her body shook in his arms.

"I am yours!" she averred, "Yours always and all ways."

Lisle handed AJ printed after-care instructions while Ruby dressed. She started to recite them aloud then broke off and grinned at him.

"Alright, you've been through it before. You know the drill. Go. Go on! I can see you are dying to get her home and pamper her as she deserves."

AJ smiled and dipped his head. "I hear and obey, Mistress." Then chuckled when she flung a ribald curse and a sponge at him.

He took his obedient, sexy submissive home and pampered her so well that he was rewarded with her own particular music.

>The music hear nicely ties the usic theme and isn't overkill here >since its so far form the rest, I hope my music comments made sense.

** because either notepad sucks, or my computer does, or both this as much as I was able to do

Love
~alex756~
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=177120

 

[Moyds_jewel]

((alex)) hiya sweetie;
Thank you for taking the time out from your busy schedule to give me coherent feedback! (Bitterly clear? *girds loins*).

"Oh god, oh god, oh god."
I have an issue with this. Its too coherant. chanting and breathless is implying to me alot less use of linquidstic skills than the ability to repeat 2 sylables with any accuracy. Perhaps a re-phrases s

*blush* um..well...*more blushes*...this is an instance of art imitating life. Would you go for it if it was this way: "Ohgodohgodohgod." ??
Did I mention I was blushing?

Yeah its a bit kid in the candy shop .. but he IS a bit kid in the candy shop. I mean he has gotten himself a new sub who is completely devoted to him to an extent that it creeps me a bit.

Interestin'...the creeped out bit...can you clarify?

I know 3 days of the 5 lonely braincells in my head working over time.

*G. Poor lonely braincells. Honestly though, it's probably cheating somewhat to have read this story in chronological order with the others ...especially when I stated (and thought!) it stood alone on its own. (probably was brain dead at the time, myself)

OK its not head hopping, but its close. this paragraph just ... its not as smooth as what is before it and what is after

*sighs* got it

Thank you for your considered thoughts on this story. I appreciate them a lot. I wish Literotica let you edit an already posted piece...

Best wishes on the MAIN event, alex.
be well and safe,
jewel

 

[champagne1982]

Aw, c'mon xxx! If it's ok for vanilla lovers to propose after only knowing each other for a month, how come a dominant can't choose to skip levels of collaring for the biggie??

I had the impression from your story that Ruby was brand spankin' (yes yes!) new to this lifestyle and it feels to me that AJ was taking untoward freedoms when he sprung right into the "biggie". You hadn't taken me deep enough into HIS head for me to see that he was as captivated by her as she to him and so the jump right into the major commitment surprised me. AJ seems to me to be a serial monogamist; as in the only way this guy can justify Ruby's commitment to him is by buckling the collar on as soon as possible. I'd feel the same if it were a vanilla relationship, btw. He's in the first relationship since his breakup, no matter aimiable or not, he's still rebounding. I draw the conclusion, based on me not having an idea of how deep AJ is in love, that he's going a little fast.

(shivers @ describing nipple piercing in detail. O2, stat!) Book length?

Yes, book length. Didn't you write this as a part of a bigger tale?

And I thought your piercing details were fine. I just think it warrants it's own chapter.

Take great care of you.. Carrie.

 

[Moyds_jewel]

Thanks for the thoughts, Carrie!