Discussion: Champagne1982

[KillerMuffin]

Hey! New guinea pig!

***********


I'm relatively new to the Lit Bulletin Boards but I've been kicking around the site long enough to have a few story and poetry submissions listed.

I've been writing erotica for over a year now and I am glad there is a place such as this to share my fantasies.

I'd appreciate it if you'd discuss my story A Trip To The Theater. I found writing it to be cathartic, I'd had these images in my mind for a while before I finally set them to paper.

Could you consider at least one of these questions for feedback while reading:

1. Did you want to move closer, like the watchers in the story?

2. Was it believable or just too damned fantastic?

3. Wanna go to the movies?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=68621

Thanks for your time.

Carrie. (xxxotica)

 

[Zircon]

Hiya Champagne,

1. Did you want to move closer, like the watchers in the story?

Personally, no. But you’re right when you said, “…creatures were voyeurs. They didn't need to participate, they needed to experience their pleasures vicariously. Coming alive only when they saw life in someone else…” I would rather watch, from a much further distance, because it’s really about coming alive. I would have wanted to touch you(in the sense of your character) personally instead of becoming only a spectator, although not passively (insert sly and lewd winks here).

It would be even lewder if I would have gotten closer, close enough so that the smell of your character’s arousal is strong enough to overcome the smell of “…a giant whore's vulva. The smell of stale semen, the humidity, dark, wanton, lewd…” (Most of the whores I knew are very clean – notice the past tense please before ya’ll crucify me). This brings me to your next question.

2. Was it believable or just too damned fantastic?

For most parts I believe that it’s your fantasy to do what you’ve written. Which is believable. The fantastical part comes in when the watchers don’t molest you. Even I want to molest you, which spoils the mood that you’ve achieved of course. This goes back to me wanting to be an active participant. It just me really. I mean come on, the after-coitus cigarette smoke twirling up to give form to the projection. The images, light and dark alternating, projecting onto her body, revealing and hiding her soft curves. As you move closer to smell her, she arches her back and show you the darkness within her moist and waiting to engulf you… Okies, this is my own fantasy. Sorry for digressing.

The one part that was a let down for me was this. Earlier, “…Stabbing them into her tight hole…”, and the later, “…Letting more of the 10 inches inside…” I know the propensity for ladies to like length and girth, and John Holmes comes to mind. It’s just me that is not accepting the fact that her BF would allow himself to be overshadowed by a piece of rubber…

3. Wanna go to the movies?

Need you ask?

Z

 

[champagne1982]

Hello Zircon. Thankyou for such a lighthearted feedback posting.

1. I, personally, have never had the opportunity to visit a seedy porn palace as I've described. Hell, I've never been in a nice one! The same can be said about whore's vulvas and I. I've never had the -- pleasure?
The smell was a left-over from standing in front of the Hockey Hall of Fame, just down the street from Union Station, during Toronto's garbage collector's strike last summer. Once you've had that particular odour polluting your scent receptors, you never really get rid of it.
2. As far as the large dildo references and the stabbing movements she enjoys, let's just say that, yeah, I was pandering to the pulorny (pulp + porn = pulorny) fans out there. To my credit though, I never said the lady took all ten. What, exactly, do you suppose her fist was wrapped around, if it wasn't four of those violent inches?
3. To reassure you, although I know denials are useless, this isn't any fantasy I choose to live out. Now, a trip to the theater for some back row sex might just be the ticket. Got a pair?

Carrie
My Scribbles

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

champagne1982,

Congratulations on a fun read. Here are a few things you might want to consider. Just remember, I was looking for stuff to nut and ache about. All my comments are just suggestions, not judgments. Use any you decide are helpful and ashcan the rest.

Many writers tinker with not giving names to their character. IMHO, that’s usually not a good idea. Lack of a name makes it harder for the reader to identify with or visualize your character, especially when there’s little physical description.

Not giving your characters names forced you to use a mess of pronouns. IMHO, you sometimes overused them. In the sentence that begins, “She lifted her feet up on the backs…” “she” shows up three times and “her” makes five appearances. That’s not against the law, but it can distract readers which is something best avoided.

There were a few instances where the pronouns were indefinite; meaning readers might not be certain which character they were referring too.

When the woman was "knowing" what the the watchers were thinking it caused, IMHO, a temporary shift in the story's POV. Before and after that, you tell the story through her senses. In that stretch, you went from a limited POV (hers) to an omniscient POV (an all-knowing narrator). The problem is there's no "normal" way she could know for certain what those people were thinking. The easiest way to avoide that situation is to add, "sensed," as in, "She sensed they...")

I hope some of my bilge helps. With luck, a little of it may actually be right.

Rumple Foreskin

--

1. Did you want to move closer, like the watchers in the story?
Sure, but then I’ve got lousy eyesight.

2. Was it believable or just too damned fantastic?
Oddly enough, my answer for both questions is the same, no.

3. Wanna go to the movies?
Okay by me. But you pay for the tickets and we sit down front.

--

She entered the sex theater. It was like stepping into a giant whore's vulva. The smell of stale semen, the humidity, dark, wanton, lewd. The screen full of the lurid, pink wetness of the actress' wide open femininity. (CONFUSING PRONOUN SWITCH SINCE THE LAST FEMALE YOU’VE REFERRED TO IS THE ACTRESS) She walked down the aisle, heard material rustle and the deep breathing of arousal rising from the rows of seats as she passed.

Her feet ached in the stilleto heels he'd told her to wear. She remembered he'd smiled and ran his finger around the tip of the heel as if it were her clit. How she needed that touch now! Her coat was too warm but she hesitated to open it before she'd (SHE) found her seat. The seat (MAYBE “…SEAT, THE ONE HE’D…”) he'd told her to sit in. Instead she suffered in the heat, salty perspiration building along her top lip.

She paused at the 4th row from the front. The slope of the floor now upwards. The light was much brighter now and (OMIT “NOW AND” BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) there were no other patrons seated this close to the screen, they preferred the private darkness found near the back. Even though the flickering of the images would leave her exposed to others she found comfort in the fact that at least these seats had not been touched by the thick spill of furtive seed. She heard the muffled keening of a lonely orgasm behind her.

--

Draping the fabric (IT’S A LEATHER COAT) of her garment over the seat she made certain that anyone watching her could see that she was nude. As she turned (WHICH WAY? ALSO, YOU’VE GOT A LOT OF “SHE” AND “HER” IN THIS SENTENCE. IF SO INCLINED, YOU GOT REPLACE THE SECOND ONE WITH A COMMA) she lifted her hands to her chest and pinched her already hard crests. Her exclamation timed to draw as much attention from the screen as she could get. She took her seat again and lifted her package.

She opened the envelope. (IS IT A PACKAGE OR AN ENVELOPE?)

With shaking hands she drew out a tube, she (OMIT “SHE”) removed the cap and squeezed a generous dollop onto her fingers. A faint smell of spice mingled with the funky odours pervasive in the place. They'd used this stuff before. She loved the heat as she waited for him to tend her. Her blood rushing to flood her tissues, swelling them. Ennervating each cell of her freshly waxed sex.

Her fingers reached down to spread the warm lotion over her pussy, her smooth skin tingling on contact. She closed her eyes as she cupped her palm over her mons, her fingers flexing, moving along the secret shaft of her clitoris. She was already wet and her natural moisture reacted with the small amount of cinnamon in the lube. The blood flow to her vulva amplifying her response, heating her, exponentially growing. (WHAT’S GROWING? AND, IMHO, “EXPONENTIALLY” IS NOT A FIRST CHOICE WORD WHEN WRITING PORN OR EROTICA.) The more aroused she became, the wetter she got, the more she flamed. Her needful whimpers a cry to the watchers she found she needed. (CONFUSING SENTENCE. IS SHE WHIMPERING OR CRYING AND IS IT THE WATCHERS SHE NEEDED OR THE “NEEDFUL WHIMPERS”?)

She paused in her actions, taking time to wipe the excess from her tender pussy and fingers. She knew that too much would rob her of pleasure and provide only pain. They (MIGHT ID “THEY” WHILE IT’S PROBABLY THE WOMAN AND HER LOVER, YOU’VE JUST REFERRED TO THE “WATCHERS.”) didn't want that, they wanted her to enjoy herself.

--

She lifted her feet up on the backs of the seats in front of her and arched her hips upwards as she came, almost screaming her release as she felt the pulse of wet on her fingers. She thrust 3 (THREE) fingers into her clenching pussy. Stabbing them into her tight hole in imitation of his long tongue. Slowly she came down, her release freeing her from the immediacy of need, allowing delibracy to temper her actions. He knew her well, she thought, his plan for her unfolding. She loved knowing she gave pleasure to those who cared to watch. (BUT NO ONE’S WATCHING)

She sensed rather than heard someone slip into the seat behind her. He had told her not to look, to accept the presence of those her ecstacy would attract. She believed him when he'd explained that these creatures were voyeurs. They didn't need to participate, they needed to experience their pleasures vicariously. Coming alive only when they saw life in someone else. Another filled the space at the opposite end of the row where she sat. She hastened (HOW CAN SHE “HURRY” TO COMPLY WITH AN ORDER NOT TO LOOK?) to comply with his instructions. She wanted to look. To see the faces of those who watched, but he had warned her not to.

Her hand reached in to find the second item in the bag. She found it and pulled it out. (WHAT ABOUT: “SHE REACHED IN AND PULLED OUT THE SECOND ITEM IN THE BAG.”?) It's cool smoothness welcome as she slipped the blindfold over her eyes. She could tell how the interest of the watchers heightened. (HOW?) She knew they came further into the light, strangely uncaring that they lost their anonymity to each other but relieved that they maintained it with her. (POV SHIFT. HOW CAN SHE “KNOW” ALL THIS ABOUT THE OTHERS? YOU WOULD STAY IN HER POV IF SHE “SENSED” THESE FEELINGS.) She didn't need to see as she took the last item from the package. Her hand wrapped around it's gnarled trunk and she moaned as she anticipated its size splitting her. The memory of his voice as he'd showed her the dong caused her nipples to stiffen in desire.

"As you set it at your hot opening, think of me."

She thrust it inside and as she bottomed (SHE DOESN’T BOTTOM, THE DONG DOES) she heard the watchers' collective grunt. She pushed it holding (EITHER PUSH OR HOLD. SINCE IT’S IN ALL THE WAY, YOU MIGHT OMIT “PUSHED IT HOLDING” AND ADD “HELD”) it there even as her muscles strained to expel it. Groaning with the ache she rolled her hips. Whispers of encouragement surrounded her. With it buried inside her, she slapped her clit with her free hand. (COULD OMIT “WITH HER FREE HAND” SINCE YOU HAVEN’T MENTIONED HER LETTING GO OF THE DONG, THERE’S NO OTHER WAY.) The sting (FROM THE SLAPS) spreading hot (AND?) tingling through her groin. (NEW PARA?) She heard the soundtrack of the movie. The male voices telling her to fuck it. Move that ass, bitch. Cum for him... cum. Her rhythm found (, COMMA) she pistoned the dildo into (WHAT GOES IN, MUST COME OUT IF IT’S PISTONING. OMIT “INTO” ADD “IN AND OUT”) her horny snatch. Her creamy lube coating it's latex surface. Her cunt seemed to relax.(THE NEXT SENTENCE IS, IMHO, A FRAGMENT. MIGHT COMBINE IT WITH THE LAST ONE.) Letting more of the 10 inches inside.

Her watchers were breathing heavily. Speaking urgings. (SURE THIS IS LITERARY LICENSE, BUT HOW DOES ONE SPEAK “URGINGS”?) Telling her to cum. She thought she heard her lover's voice too. "Cum for me now my bitch!" With his permission she seemed to expand in a fiery ball of heat, her release flooding around the girth of the cock-thing filling her. She heard shouts of pleasure as her watchers all joined her in it. Again and again, she plunged the dildo into the center of her body.

Slowly, seeming (OMIT “SEEMINGLY” ADD “ALMOST”) reluctantly, her tremors subsided. She left it (INDEF. PRONOUN. “IT” COULD REFER TO HER ORGASM. THE READER CAN’T KNOW UNTIL THEY READ ON, WHICH COULD CONFUSE SOME OF THEM. MIGHT CHANGE “IT” TO SOME VARIATION OF “THE DONG”) buried inside her as she slumped into the seat. She felt them (MAYBE “THE WATCHERS?) depart. The film was over. She waited. She felt the device being tugged slowly out of her vagina. His kiss welcome and a reassurance as he lifted the blindfold from her eyes.

He pulled her coat around her. Taking her by her hand he tugged her to her feet and led her from the dim theater. (“HER” APPEARED FIVE TIMES IN THE LAST SENTENCE AND WILL APPEAR FOUR TIMES IN THE NEXT. IMHO, THAT’S A LOT.) He eased her into his car and brushed her long hair back from her temples tucking it behing her ear. He smiled his approval and soon they sped into the city night.

 

[openthighs_sarah]

Hello champagne/carrie...

I'll try to avoid duplicating any of the other comments from previous critiques.

First thing I noticed: her feet aching in the stiletto heels. Nice bit of realism, and unusual enough to catch my attention. And then, a few paragraphs down, I really liked this sentence: She heard the muffled keening of a lonely orgasm behind her.

This next paragraph was a little clunky:

Trembling, she moved into the row on her right. Third from the end he'd said. She flipped the cushioned seat bottom down and looked. There it was like he'd promised. It was in a padded envelope, even so, the nature of its contents were obvious. It was long and bulky. She smiled as she thought of it's ultimate purpose.

She flipped the cushioned seat bottom down and looked -- that last clause could be removed, since it's clearly implied that she's looking down at the seat. Also, "there it was" is followed by "it was in a padded envelope", and then "the nature of its contents" -- the pronoun "it" is first referring to the envelope itself, then to a singular item in the envelope, then back to the envelope. Having read the rest of the story, I know there are actually multiple items in the envelope, and in fact she would realistically just be looking at the envelope -- not its contents just yet. So one suggestion for an alternative version of that passage might be: There, just as he'd promised, was the padded envelope, long and bulky. Though its contents were hidden, she knew exactly what it held, and she smiled. I removed its ultimate purpose because, again, there are multiple items in the envelope, and specifying the envelope's ultimate purpose wouldn't make sense.

She sat next to it and loosened the tightly tied belt of her long, black, leather coat. A few comments on this line. First, the pronoun "it" is ambiguous because the antecedent (the padded envelope) was mentioned in the middle of the preceding paragraph. If you'd mentioned it at the end of the paragraph, the transition is smoother and the reader will understand. You're better off avoiding the pronoun entirely to start the new paragarph, though: She sat next to the envelope and loosened... Second point: I think you've provided too much detail here regarding the coat. The place for this (if it's necessary at all) would be three paragraphs above, where you have the line Her coat was too warm... Now that she's taking it off, it's no longer relevant, and you don't want to distract the reader from the purpose of the current paragraph -- allowing the narrator to reveal herself.

She smiled at what she was about to do, this deviation outside of normalcy a strange adventure she'd never thought to be taking. There's one minor editing problem with the sentence -- some kind of punctuation or other bridge is needed between "outside of normalcy" and "a strange adventure" to set the two clauses apart. The sentence itself is a bit wordy, though, and the phrase "outside of normalcy" is redundant since this is the definition of "deviation". It might even read better if the whole sentence were omitted -- her smile has the effect of dispelling some of the tension you've built so far. (Besides, she already smiled at the end of the last paragraph. Two smiles when she's still alone, one right after the other, seems unnatural.)

Her fingers strayed to her breasts now. She stroked outwards from the areola of each sweet nipple, to the tips. Her nails lightly scraping across the tender ends. She rose to her feet again deciding to remove the coat completely. Her need generating a heat that made clothing unneccessary.

The third and fifth sentences are fragments, and the last sentence is also a little too wordy. And the word deciding makes her seem too clear-headed about what she's doing, when in fact the opposite is true. You need a smoother transition from the narrator touching herself to standing up and removing the coat, to indicate that her excitement has made her willing to take this risky and unusual step. Her body's heat was making the jacket unnecessary and unbearable. She rose to her feet again, and let the coat fall from her shoulders. That's one possibility for linking the paragraph together, although there are other ways to do it, too.

Another sentence fragment in the very next paragraph: Her exclamation timed to draw as much attention from the screen as she could get.

A little farther down...

They'd used this stuff before. She loved the heat as she waited for him to tend her. Her blood rushing to flood her tissues, swelling them. Ennervating each cell of her freshly waxed sex.

Sentence fragment at the end, but also the paragraph is a little confusing. Does "she loved the heat" mean now, in the present -- she was loving it right now as she waited for him to arrive? Or is she remembering previous occasions when she used it, and how she reacted? If it's the second case, it could be reworded to identify the narrrative shift clearer: They had used the stuff before. She remembered the heat she had felt, waiting for him to tend her; and how the blood had rushed to flood her tissues, swelling them, ennervating each cell of her freshly waxed sex.

The sexual aspects were very erotic, although I was a bit confused by the "watchers". I didn't quite follow who they were and where they were sitting or standing, and as a result I couldn't visualize the scene completely. I did really like her putting her feet up on the seat in front of her and arching her back as she came -- a wonderful and luscious visual. And, much later, the sweetness her lover displays at the end, taking her by the hand and pushing her hair back in the car, is a welcome touch.

In general, I thought the story had an arousing premise, and some of the imagery was quite sexy. The sentence fragments kept taking me out of the flow of the story, even though I could see what you were trying to accomplish -- a sort of clipped and breathless rhythm. (I'm not against using sentence fragments entirely, by the way -- but I do think they should be used sparingly and for specific reasons -- otherwise they become obtrusive and distracting.) Aside from the issue of sentence fragments, the other thing I saw was a need for balance -- combining longer sentences with shorter onces. For example, here's a chunk of text from the penultimate paragraph:

She left it buried inside her as she slumped into the seat. She felt them depart. The film was over. She waited. She felt the device being tugged slowly out of her vagina. His kiss welcome and a reassurance as he lifted the blindfold from her eyes.

All six sentences are rather clipped -- no commas anywhere, no compound sentences. The paragraph as a whole is over too quickly because you haven't controlled the pace (with punctuation, sentence variation, or additional paragraphing). It really should be drawn out because this is the story's true denouement -- there's cathartic release, physical exhaustion, tenderness, even love. It deserves more than a few seconds along the transom of the reader's mind and imagination.

Overall, I think your writing is promising because you're trying to create effects and use the language in interesting ways -- it's obvious that you care about your writing and that you want to make it sing. I think it just needs some polish. Most of the things I've mentioned are easy enough to fix, and I'll look forward to your next offering.

As for your questions:

1. Did you want to move closer, like the watchers in the story?

If I had been in a theater watching you with your legs up on the seat, touching yourself -- yes, I would have wanted a closer look. In the context of the story, I felt that I was right there next to you.

2. Was it believable or just too damned fantastic?

The plot itself wasn't too much of a stretch, although I already mentioned that the "watchers" confused me. As written, there was a bit of a creepy element to them -- I thought briefly of little faceless, shrouded monsters. That made the story more surrealistic than realistic to me.

3. Wanna go to the movies?

Okay! Let's see Finding Nemo -- I already saw it, but it was wonderful. If you want to play with yourself, though, we'll have to sit way in the back.



Thank you for the story, and good luck with your future efforts!

 

[champagne1982]

Rumple Foreskin

I appreciate the effort you've taken on this critique. I heartily agree with your opinion about the pronouns, especially now that I have had the overuse of them pointed out. I will edit a number of them away but I still won't mess with her anonymity by giving my luscious show-off a name.

In an aside to the believability of this story, although I didn't intend for the idea to be a source of inspiration, apparently it became one. Before discovering "Lit", I posted this work in the MSN community of a personal friend. The original tale contained a considerable hint that the relationship was a D/s one, that being said, of course it attracted readers in the lifestyle. Happily, a man who'd read the story found me and I was granted a glimpse of a treat not given many authors.
A Dominant man and his subordinate lady had decided a trip to the theater could be a worthwhile outing. He definitely accompanied her though. She knew he was there but because they hadn't entered together, no one else had any idea that she was escorted. Instead of the blindfold blocking her vision completely it was of a material she could see through, she carried all of her props with her and as insurance against serious assault, they also had added a can of pepper spray to the contents in her hand bag.
True to my belief about voyeurs, the other patrons didn't molest her, they seemed to police themselves against it. She didn't wait for the end of the movie, in fact, she left as soon as she could walk on steady stilettoes. A man, as she walked past, complimented the show and made the statement that her's was a much better performance than the one he'd paid to see.

This story sounds wonderful aloud, I have a .wav file of my reading of it. All of those offensive she's and hers you mention, add a sibilance and lisp to my voice that is truly sensual. Since I haven't posted an audio version though, I should, perhaps, make the changes you mention and re-submit it. On consideration, I'll wait and see what more feedback brings first.

Again, thankyou,

Carrie
My Scribbles

 

[champagne1982]

openthighs_sarah

Your comments are appreciated. Thankyou. When the re-write is completed, I'm sure the new theatre story will flow smoother than its current incarnation.

The "penultimate paragraph" does read choppy and fragmented. This result could be due to the fact that anytime I have read it aloud. I've always been a little breathless. Disjointed. Not totally myself. Did I just reveal my nasty habit? Oh my!

I have learned a lot about sentence structure since I've been "perving" the boards here at "Lit". When I first wrote this story, I was really unsure about how to separate my phrases and inject the proper length of pause where needed. Now, with marvellous people giving valuable advice, I'm sure I can only get better.

Once again, thankyou.

Carrie

My Scribbles

 

[champagne1982]

Was it something I said?

I'd really appreciate it if more of you would take the time to send feedback on A Trip to The Theater , even if it's to tell me you don't like it. I know it's summer and all and that means the less time in front of the computer, the better but, hey, it's gotta rain sometime.

Carrie
My Scribbles

 

[LilyMelb]

Hey Carrie,

Great story. I felt you built the atmosphere really well, I had a fantastic sense of the seedy porn theatre, the stale air, the whole dirty-divey-sleazey feel of the place. Also of the woman's place within it and how she was reacting to it, I think it was very well done indeed.

Personally, I didn't feel the need to get any closer, but I did get a great sense of the need of those in the theatre to do so. I'm not a voyuer myself, but to me it seemed as if you got the psychology of it just right. (Um, I could, of course, be very wrong about that, and the voyeurs out there might disagree completely - if so, I cede to their greater expertise! It just seemed right to me personally, as one who's kinks lie in entirely other directions...)

One thing I did find was that the 'watchers' disappeared from my focus as a reader for a while. There was a great sense of this being public at the beginning, when first entering the theatre, but up until I think it was the line "She sensed rather than heard someone slip into the seat behind her", the others watching seemed too absent, especially for a story which revolves around the watching audience.

However, that being said, I really liked the suddeness of "She sensed rather than heard someone slip into the seat behind her". After getting caught up in the woman's arousals, it brought her audience back to the reader with a bang... so I'm not sure of the solution there. Maybe a few more references to watching eyes somewhere in the distance (but the distance would have to be emphasised) earlier on, but too many would spoil the affect of when they finally creep up close. (I'm not being much help here, I know - sorry!)

I do also agree with Rumple Foreskin on the altered POV, as the woman doesn't actually know what her audience are thinking. Perhaps a slight alteration in wording to imply this was how *she thought* her audience might be thinking. As it is the woman's pleasures and reactions we as readers are identifying with, then the way she perceives her audience and their reactions are all that matters, regardless of whether she was perceiving them realistically or not.

In regards to your other questions, it's a fantasy and as such entirely believable... I know that makes no sense, but what I mean is that fantasies follow the internal logic of the story, not that of reality, and must adhere only to the rules which are true to the world in the story. Hmmm, that still makes no sense - I give up, suffice to say it is definitely believable!

And do I wanna go to the movies...? Eeewww no, not after the finely detailed, wonderfully atmospheric way you described such theatres - that sort of place just ain't for me, but I can definitely understand, after reading your tale, how it could be for others. Great writing there!

Hehe, now the "she was thrilled he wanted her here.... he wanted her here. She wanted to be here" implied control/power games going on between them, *that* I could really enjoy...

Ta... Lily

 

[champagne1982]

LilyMelb

Are you sure you don't wanna go to the movies? Just to see maybe, Charlie's Angels or something, in a place where, if your feet are sticking, you know that it's spilled pop and nothing else.

Thankyou for the critique, I've done a little rewrite of the scene with many of the suggestions and hints from my reviewers implemented.

You're time is very appreciated as you'll see...

Carrie

My Scribbles

 

[Op_Cit]

OK, another disclaimer on this feedback (yes, I'm real eager to have people look at my story):

The voyer type stories are not something I usually go in for or read, but here's what I have to say about the writing...

Q&A:
1. I felt I was already right there with the woman so there didn't seem to be an opportunity to be closer.

2. Perfectly believable, but then again I've never been to an adult theater. It does match my imagination though.

3. That depends, will you go with me?

General and Nitty little anal retentive type comments:

(another disclaimer first: I do not favor using too many adjectives. Also, ditto to RF's feedback, I think in the future I will wait for him to reply before writing my feedback to save me time )


1. First paragraph: "Vulva" seems like too nice a word for what you're trying to convey. "Deep breathing of arousal" sounded awkward.

2. Your transition between her thoughts and her memories of what "He" told her were awkward in several places, RF had good suggestions.

3. "She took her seat again and lifted her package"-- "someone's package" tends to have a more common use in these stories so saying "her package" sent my mind in a different direction for a second, I'd suggest "the package".

4. "She opened the envelope." I'm not sure of why you separated this from the next paragraph (I'd combine it and the next sentence into one.) this leads to...#5

5. There seemed to be at times a meter, pacing or ticking (idunno what word to use here) that you are trying to use, while at other times it seems you are trying to make a smooth descent or unfolding of the story. These seemed to get confused.

6. ditto on RF's comment on "they didn't want that": who's they? how about "they wouldn't want that" or the watchers


7. "Again, her hand brushed..." I found to be a very good paragraph.

8. That pacing thing again: "He wanted her here. She wanted to be here." I think you get your same effect with more smoothness by combining these sentences... maybe just emphasizing certain words (I don't know common views on italics/bold in these postings).

9. I think it maybe needed a little more description of the mental or physical things she was doing before her first orgasm. (It seemed to come rather abruptly).

10. Did you mean to use "knurled" in place of "gnarled"?

11. I think you maybe needed quotations on the "Move that ass..." line. (thinking that you meant this to be something the onlookers actually said, otherwise some description that this is what she's imagining them saying..?)

12. "the device being tugged slowly out of her" "device" sounded too sterile for the rest of the tone, ok to say dong again or cock/dildo... even an adjective here ok

---
I hope this is helpful,
OC

 

[champagne1982]

Op_Cit

Thankyou for taking the time to review and critique A Trip to The Theater I'm almost finished with the rewrite but it seems that I've had so many other new ideas to work on, some of the older projects have been tucked into the pending file in my brain. I'm glad to have your views and ideas to work with as well as all the others on this thread. So, I promise, the new improved version will have it's day in the sun sometime in the nebulous future.

 

[ffreak]

I know it's been awhile since your story was put in here for review, but I am trying to get into the swing of things in this forum and your story seemed like a good candidate (good read) to go with.

Things I liked:

• You use a very believable sounding premise and immediately pull us into the story as voyeurs ourselves.
• The story is tight and logical in it's progression.
• We learn something - the use of cinnamon and its effects, and not to use too much - I always like learning something new.
• The ending is simple and good. The Romance Writers of America say that to be a romance (yes I know you wrote this as an exhibitionist/voyeur story - it still contains romance) the story has to be about a relationship (see, it's about her and her lover's relationship and how far she will go to please him) and has to have a happy ending (she is sexually sated - even if only until they get home, and he is happy with her).

Things I might have done differently:

• "She stroked outwards from the aureole of each sweet nipple, to the tips." I had to read this a couple of times to get the misdirection (unintentional I presume). Wouldn't she stroke inward from the edge of the aureole to the tips in the center? (only a change from outwards to inwards would keep me from hesitating)
• In the paragraph where you say "She was thrilled that he wanted her here," you repeat the last three words three more times (I do like how it ends). Perhaps it would be smoother with something like:
  She never forgot the theater and it's patrons as she drifted into satisfying her body's demands. She was thrilled that he wanted her here, wet and exposed to the gaze of any who'd look; wanton and voracious, the potential danger palpable in the gloom. He wanted her here. She wanted to be here.
• I too have a problem with the word "stabbing" while the woman's pussy muscles are "clenching" - bear in mind, I am not a woman, so I don't know if this is possible, let alone, normal. But the word is violent, and pain is not a part of the story according to an earlier paragraph. Therefore it jars because it seems as though the author set a rule, then broke it. Perhaps something like:
  She probed her clenching pussy with 3 fingers. Stroking her tight hole in imitation of his long tongue.

To answer the questions:
1. Did you want to move closer, like the watchers in the story?
Actually, I thought the effect of the voyeurs moving closer to her was so completely in her perspective, that I did not relate to them per se. As the reader being able to be in her mind, I felt right there the whole time. Were I one of the patrons, you bet I would have moved closer. Maybe waiting until other patrons also moved.

2. Was it believable or just too damned fantastic?
Back to my first comment above. I bought it hook, line and sinker. I once went to a porn theater when I was 21. A couple came in and sat next to me (there were a lot of empty rows). She sat in the next seat and the guy with her sat in the seat on the other side. He got up to get some popcorn at her request, then she opened the front of her blouse. I was scared to death and left. Yep, yours is very believable.

3. Wanna go to the movies?
With you, anytime. Especially if you'll whisper stories like this while we watch.

Hope this is useful.

-FF (I have to go now, need to read your other stories - won't get any sleep until I do, maybe not then)

 

[champagne1982]

ffreak

Hi there! I'm glad you brought my attention back to A Trip to the Theater. I needed to finish my rewrite and at least show you all what I've done with it. Thankyou for your suggestions. I hope you like what you see!

Never use too much cinnamon and never leave it on too long.

 

[champagne1982]

A Trip To The Theater Revisited

She entered the sex theater. It was like stepping into a giant whore's vulva, the smell of stale semen and the humidity, so dark and wanton, so lewd. The screen was full of the lurid, pink wetness of the actress' wide open femininity. Ticket crumpled in her hand, the lady walked down the aisle, heard material rustle and the deep breathing of arousal rising from the rows of seats as she passed.

Her feet ached in the stilleto heels he'd told her to wear. She remembered he'd smiled and ran his finger around the tip of the heel as if it were her clit. How she needed that touch now! Her coat was too warm but she hesitated to open it before finding her seat, the one he'd told her to sit in. Instead she sweltered, salty perspiration building along her top lip.

She paused at the fourth row from the front, the slope of the floor now upwards. The light was much brighter and there were no other patrons seated this close to the screen. Those, this place attracted, usually preferred the private darkness found near the back. As if to emphasize that fact she heard a muffled cough rumble from the dark back row.

Even though the flickering of the images would leave her exposed to others, there was comfort in the fact that at least these seats had not been touched by the thick spill of furtive seed. She heard the muffled keening of a lonely orgasm behind her.

Trembling, she moved into the row on her right. She'd find it at the third from the end he'd said. She flipped the cushioned seat bottom down, there it was like he'd promised, a padded envelope, the nature of its contents obvious to her expectant eye. Something inside was long and bulky. She smiled as she thought of it's ultimate purpose.

Nervous fingers fumbling, she loosend the belt of her tightly tied, long, black leather coat. It fell open around her, letting in the wet air of the place. Her silken skin shimmered in the blue light of celluloid reflection. She was nude beneath the coat but for the stockings she'd worn to create the illusion of respectability in the world away from here. Again, the corners of her lips lifted at what she was about to do, this adventure one she'd never thought to be taking.

His suggestion that they play this game of show and tell had caused a twisting in her guts when she first heard it. As he fucked her with slow, sure strokes he had whispered how she would be so loved, if she'd only show them who she was. He'd told her she shouldn't be afraid to share her sensuous beauty, she remembered how his lips had locked onto her erect nipple.

Her fingers strayed to her breasts now. She stroked from the edges of the areola of each sweet nipple, to the tips. Her nails lightly scraping across the tender ends. Looking towards the audience she pinched her already hard crests. Her exclamation was timed to draw as much attention from the screen as she could get. She took her seat and opened the envelope.

With shaking hands she drew out a tube, she removed the cap and squeezed a generous dollop onto her fingers. A faint smell of spice mingled with the funky odours pervasive in the place. They'd used this stuff before. She had loved the heat as she'd waited for him to tend her. Tingling with memories of how her blood had rushed to flood her tissues, swelling them and how the cream had stimulated each cell of her freshly waxed sex, she spread the warm lotion over her pussy.

She closed her eyes as she cupped her palm over her mons, her fingers flexing, moving along the secret shaft of her clitoris. She was already wet and her natural moisture reacted with the small amount of cinnamon in the lube. The blood flow to her vulva amplifying her response, heating her. The more aroused she became, the wetter she got, the more she flamed. Her needful whimpers a cry to the audience she found she needed.

She paused in her actions, taking time to find a tissue in the coat and to wipe the excess from her tender pussy and fingers. She knew that too much would rob her of pleasure and provide only pain. Her lover didn't want that, he wanted her to enjoy herself, she admitted that she was indeed enjoying giving this performance.

Again, her hand brushed down to her vagina. She knew the places to touch and her fingers parted her folds to find her hard nub. She opened herself, exposing her mysteries. If only those lonely men would look! Her other hand went lower. She dipped her fingers into her opening, coating them with slippery wetness. Slowly she circled her clit.

She never forgot the theater and it's patrons as she drifted into satisfying her body's demands. She was thrilled that her love wanted her here, wet and exposed to the gaze of any who'd look, her body wanton, her appetite voracious, the potential danger palpable in the gloom. He wanted her here. She wanted to be here.

She lifted her feet up on the backs of the seats in front of her and arched her hips upwards as she came, almost screaming her release as she felt the pulse of wet on her fingers. She held three slender fingers into her clenching pussy. Wiggling them in her tight hole, an imitation of that long, loving tongue. Slowly she came down, her release freeing her from the immediacy of need, calming her actions. Her love knew her well, his plan for her unfolding. She revelled in thinking she could pleasure those who cared to watch through her own release.

She sensed rather than heard someone slip into the seat behind her. He had told her not to look, to accept the presence of those her ecstacy would attract. She believed him when he'd explained that these creatures were voyeurs. They didn't need to participate, they needed to experience their pleasures vicariously, coming alive only when they saw life in someone else. Another filled the space at the opposite end of the row where she sat. She hastened to comply with his instructions and cover her eyes. She wanted to look, to see the faces of those who watched, but he had warned her not to.

Her hand reached in to find the second item he had shown her, its cool smoothness welcome as she slipped the blindfold over her eyes. She could imagine how the interest of her observers heightened. She could hear them breathing, their clothes stirring as they came further into the light. She could just picture them, strangely uncaring that they lost thier anonymity to each other but relieved that they maintained it with her. She didn't need to see as she took the last item from the envelope. Her hand wrapped around it's gnarled trunk and she moaned as she anticipated its size inside her. The memory of his voice as he'd showed her the dong caused her nipples to stiffen in desire.
"As you set it at your hot opening, think of me."

She thrust it in and as it hit the end wall of her pussy, heard the watchers' collective grunt. She pushed it holding it there even as her muscles strained to expel it. Groaning with the ache she rolled her hips. Whispers of encouragement surrounded her. With it buried inside her, she slapped her clit, the sting spreading hot tingling through her groin. She heard the soundtrack of the movie. The male voices seemed to be telling her to fuck it, move that ass, bitch. Cum for him... Cum! Her rhythm found she pistoned the dildo in her horny snatch, creamy lube coating it's latex surface. Her cunt seemed to relax, letting more of the thick thing inside.

Men were breathing heavily, urging, telling her to cum. She thought she heard her lover's voice too. "Cum for me now my bitch!" With his permission she seemed to expand in a fiery ball of heat, the release flooding around the girth of the cock-thing. She heard shouts of pleasure as her watchers all joined her. Again and again she plunged the dildo into the center of her body. The idea of her men getting off on her pleasure was incredibly exciting. Her orgasm, a molten liquid that flowed unhindered, from her pussy.

With masculine groans, the film was over. Her watchers breath, hot and sibilant, faded as they moved back, leaving, embarassed at the sharing of passion. Slowly, seeming reluctantly, her tremors subsided. The dong stayed buried inside her as she slumped into the seat. She waited, at last feeling it being tugged slowly out of her vagina. His kiss was welcome and a reassurance as he lifted the blindfold from her eyes. He pulled her coat around her. Taking her by the hand, her lover tugged her to her feet, guiding them from the dim theater. He eased her into his car and brushed the long hair back from her temples, tucking it behind a delicate ear. He smiled his approval and soon they sped into the city night.