Discreet or just be honest?

ninjumanji

Really Experienced
Joined
Dec 12, 2009
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Hey Lit Folks

I'm a 26 yr old guy. I just recently got a GF. She is awesome and the best thing that ever happened to me.

But

From time to time (like once a year, if that. going on 2 years now) I've entertained myself by playing with some same-sex partners. No sex, just the other stuff. My GF satisfies me very well, but I still feel the urge to scratch that itch if you know what I'm saying.

So the question I pose to the forums is this: Do I keep playing discreetly or should I just tell her about it and risk our relationship?
 
I don't think I can give you a full answer to that question. What you do is up to you, But I would like to say this. You can't hide it from her forever. And whats worse, working through it now, or later, when you're deeper in the relationship?
 
Having been in the same exact situation several times in the past... My advice is DEFINITELY tell her up front. I know it's not easy, and you'll be worried about her reaction, and if she'll freak out, or even want to stop seeing you.

But in the long run, it's best to not have any secrets... If you tell her up front, you may be surprised at her reaction... maybe she has secret fantasies about guy/guy action? Maybe she'll be shocked at first, but if she really cares about you, she might open up to the possibilities. She might not, but at least you won't have to hide who you are. And in the long run, finding someone who accepts you for your "Itches" is someone who is more "right" for you.

By being discreet (i.e., secretive), and keeping her in the dark, you run the risk of her finding out by accident, which opens a lot more doors to trouble than being up front. She'll be pissed that you were doing things behind her back, that you didn't trust her enough to tell her, that you were playing with GUYS behind her back, etc... if you tell her up front, you risk losing her, but at least you'll know you were honest, and let HER make the decision.. not you making the decision for her that she can't handle it.

The other part is that it's very stressful to live a secret bi-life. It's much more fun to share it with someone you care about... but hiding it from that same someone is very difficult to live with.

Good luck, man!
 
I would actually take the advice here with a grain of salt. First off, some if it is coming from openly gay/bi people. If you desire to be openly gay or bi, then tell her. However, it's rather unrealistic to expect most women to be fine with you giving blowjobs/having sex with random guys (as most of the people here claim to do) on a regular or even an occasional basis, being that it puts both of you at risk for STDs. This is even assuming that it doesn't turn the girl off immediately.

On the other hand, you might find a girl that goes along with it, and assuming you are safe when choosing partners and always use a condom, she might be OK with it. If I were you, I would certainly not want to be with any girl that did not care if you were giving unprotected blowjobs to random guys. You'd have to wonder what she was doing in her spare time if she was OK with this, from a health perspective.
 
What does "no sex just the other stuff" mean when you're talking about same-sex partners?

Dude, it is all sex, don't kid yourself. Blowjobs are sex. Rubbing up against each other is sex. Mutual masturbation is sex. You are sharing space and energy and orgasms with someone else, it's sex.

So really, you want to let your GF know that once or twice a year you are going to step out on her because you want something a woman can't give you.

What you want is a limited open relationship.

http://www.polyamorysociety.org/

I agree with Korizon-- learn to love the smell of latex. it's your life-preserving sex friend.
 
I would actually take the advice here with a grain of salt. First off, some if it is coming from openly gay/bi people. If you desire to be openly gay or bi, then tell her. However, it's rather unrealistic to expect most women to be fine with you giving blowjobs/having sex with random guys (as most of the people here claim to do) on a regular or even an occasional basis, being that it puts both of you at risk for STDs. This is even assuming that it doesn't turn the girl off immediately.

On the other hand, you might find a girl that goes along with it, and assuming you are safe when choosing partners and always use a condom, she might be OK with it. If I were you, I would certainly not want to be with any girl that did not care if you were giving unprotected blowjobs to random guys. You'd have to wonder what she was doing in her spare time if she was OK with this, from a health perspective.

Yes the advice here might be coming from openly gay and bi men, but thats the section you asked in. You would get similar answers in the How too section though, and would find more straight people there. I've found that most people on this site are in favor of being open and honest with your partner, no matter what its about. Yes you might have desires that will scare someone off, but if you are going to live them out then its better to be open with someone you have chosen to share your life with than to hide a part of yourself. Secrecy and lies always leads to trouble in the end.
 
I gotta disagree with korizon. If you weren't sure, then yeah, maybe keep it to yourself. But you know you like this. you know you're going to want it. Why not be honest now? Hiding something that's part of yourself its asking for trouble.
 
Fair comment. I wasn't planning on blowing random guys. Having a consistent partner would be ideal. In fact, if I could not find a consistent partner then I just wont do it because I would hate myself if VD ever came into the picture.

I really appreciate this feedback.

What does "no sex just the other stuff" mean when you're talking about same-sex partners?

Dude, it is all sex, don't kid yourself. Blowjobs are sex. Rubbing up against each other is sex. Mutual masturbation is sex. You are sharing space and energy and orgasms with someone else, it's sex.

So really, you want to let your GF know that once or twice a year you are going to step out on her because you want something a woman can't give you.

What you want is a limited open relationship.

http://www.polyamorysociety.org/

I agree with Korizon-- learn to love the smell of latex. it's your life-preserving sex friend.
 
Fair comment. I wasn't planning on blowing random guys. Having a consistent partner would be ideal. In fact, if I could not find a consistent partner then I just wont do it because I would hate myself if VD ever came into the picture.

I really appreciate this feedback.

Likewise I disagree with korizon, at least as far as not being open and honest to all your partners.

But I suppose I have to ask: which partner are you not telling about the other?

You have a GF who doesn't know that you have a steady male fb. Let me ask, does your fb know that you have a GF? Do you expect that he is supposed to remain celibate except with you? Does he know that? Or is he really a BF and not merely a fb?
 
For the record, I'm not "openly bi-sexual" by any means... I can count on one hand how many people know I'm bi... Which is why I thought I might have some insight on the situation.

Stella was spot on:

"So really, you want to let your GF know that once or twice a year you are going to step out on her because you want something a woman can't give you.

What you want is a limited open relationship."


That's pretty much what I have right now.
 
Etoile is right, get it out in the open! The sooner the better.

It's one of those "Honey we need to have a chat" moments. It's possible she might say "Oh gross, I'm outta here!" But there is a far greater oppurtunity she may hit you with "Cool, can I watch?"

Just in case she isn't into it. SHHH, It's a secret!!!! There are MILLIONS of other girls out here and a LOT of us would love to have a bi boyfriend.

In spite of what guys think we girls can get into watching our guys "go bi", my husband tried it and believe me I found it a huge "turn-on" watching him in a 69 with another guy.

Admittedly you might outgrow it, but what if you want to take it a step farther? You may never become "butt buddies", but you would be amazed at the number of guys that get into MM oral.

I was in my 30's before I told my mom I was gay, LOL actually she POPPED in and caught me in bed with a girlfriend.

VERY awkward!
 
It's one of those "Honey we need to have a chat" moments. It's possible she might say "Oh gross, I'm outta here!" But there is a far greater oppurtunity she may hit you with "Cool, can I watch?"

Just in case she isn't into it. SHHH, It's a secret!!!! There are MILLIONS of other girls out here and a LOT of us would love to have a bi boyfriend.

This is very true! My last 2 gf's have had HUGE fantasies about bi-guys... so when they found out I'm bi, they practically fainted! :D

And like I said, if she does say "Gross, I'm outta here", then she ain't the one for you anyway, most likely.
 
I think some of you may have misunderstood me.

I'm not advocating that he hide his true feelings. I'm simply saying that if this is a girl he loves and wants to be with, he's taking a huge risk by telling her, and he's better off curbing his desires and being faithful to his gf. It's a little optimistic to think that most women are going to be OK with their partner engaging in sex with other men. Some are, and that's awesome, but I'd wager that most aren't.

Since you just met her and probably aren't too serious with her, you won't be losing much if she freaks out when you tell her.
 
Some are, and that's awesome, but I'd wager that most aren't.
You have NO idea.:D

have you ever looked at the crowd watching a gay Pride parade? 99% women, there to see the gay men. I can count on one hand, the women who have told me they don't get turned on by the sight of men together.

And by the way, is that your ass? because damn. :heart:

Ninjumanji, I'm glad my comments were helpful. I got the same advice when I talked to someone about my own bisexuality, about thirty-five years ago. :)
 
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I think some of you may have misunderstood me.

I'm not advocating that he hide his true feelings. I'm simply saying that if this is a girl he loves and wants to be with, he's taking a huge risk by telling her, and he's better off curbing his desires and being faithful to his gf. It's a little optimistic to think that most women are going to be OK with their partner engaging in sex with other men. Some are, and that's awesome, but I'd wager that most aren't.

Since you just met her and probably aren't too serious with her, you won't be losing much if she freaks out when you tell her.

These things are all different:
  • don't tell her, she'll freak out
  • don't tell her, hide part of who you are for her sake
  • be faithful

Not judging your advice, it's how you see the situation. Just pointing out that they are not all the same thing.

Personally, I advocate being faithful, but that's just me. And if you can't/won't be faithful...be honest. That's my view.
 
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