Discovering myself

[BeautifulBlueSky218]

I'm 36 years old and I'm still learning to discover myself and find out who I am as a person. The one thing I have noticed about myself is that I'm learning about new hobbies and interests, what excites me and what arouses me. For as long as I could remember I was deeply shy and I still can be shy at times. One thing I never admitted to was feeling scared when it came to sex sometimes or felt guilty for liking some of the things that turned me on. Anytime things went too fast for me sexually, I would freak out and try to stop it from happening because inside my mind, I thought I was a "slut"

This is why I realized how much trust and communicate is important in any relationship, friendship or simply just connecting with someone you find interesting. Sometimes we connect with that person and other times we simply don't feel a thing. I'm still learning to not feel ashamed when it comes to sexual things. Inside I still need to heal from things but I'm still welcome to discover who I am as a person and continue to open up about things I like. This is why I continue to keep coming back to Literotica. So I can be open and share things that I haven't even opened up too with any of my friends or some my past boyfriend's even. Literotica has helped me in so many ways and I'm so glad to share this on here.
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[Esl80]

Congratulations

To you on discovering who you are and what you want to be. Taking things one day at a time is the only way to truly find out. The anonymity of this forum allows you to feel safe in knowing that those reading are not ones who can bring it back to you in real life. I understand exactly what you are saying and conveying in your post and wish you the best. Please feel free to reach out to me directly if you would like to connect with someone similar.

 

[Hal9000_]

To love other people, you must learn to love yourself..

Or something like that.

 

[SoulAssasin247]

I'm 36 years old and I'm still learning to discover myself and find out who I am as a person. The one thing I have noticed about myself is that I'm learning about new hobbies and interests, what excites me and what arouses me. For as long as I could remember I was deeply shy and I still can be shy at times. One thing I never admitted to was feeling scared when it came to sex sometimes or felt guilty for liking some of the things that turned me on. Anytime things went too fast for me sexually, I would freak out and try to stop it from happening because inside my mind, I thought I was a "slut"

This is why I realized how much trust and communicate is important in any relationship, friendship or simply just connecting with someone you find interesting. Sometimes we connect with that person and other times we simply don't feel a thing. I'm still learning to not feel ashamed when it comes to sexual things. Inside I still need to heal from things but I'm still welcome to discover who I am as a person and continue to open up about things I like. This is why I continue to keep coming back to Literotica. So I can be open and share things that I haven't even opened up too with any of my friends or some my past boyfriend's even. Literotica has helped me in so many ways and I'm so glad to share this on here.
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What have you discovered about yourself ?

What is calling you ?

 

[BeautifulBlueSky218]

I'm not looking for sympathy here, this is just what happened. For many years I was with an abusive guy, six years almost and used me like a sex object. I didn't enjoy sex and there came at time where I actually started hating sex all together. If I got off to anything, I was made to feel guilty for liking it and enjoying sex all together.

I've been single for about three years now and there were times where I actually cried if I masturbated or got off or even watched porn or hentai. Now that I'm healing, I'm able to be open about sex all together and sharing what I like on here. So I feel like I healed from everything that I've gone through and post whatever comes to my mind on what turns me on and things that I would like to try. For example I always knew there was apart of me that loved woman. Ever since I was younger, I loved woman and always wanted to be with one. I did date one when we broke up because she wanted to go back with her ex, I let her go because I wanted her to be happy, but I'm glad that I did date her for the time being.

There's some things that I have tried and other things that I haven't tried yet. The one thing that I'm happy about is that I no longer get sad when it comes to sex or feeling guilty, but for the longest time I refused to think about sex because of my ex. I'm just very happy that I'm passed all of it now.

 

[Doctor Joe]

I'm not looking for sympathy here, this is just what happened. For many years I was with an abusive guy, six years almost and used me like a sex object. I didn't enjoy sex and there came at time where I actually started hating sex all together. If I got off to anything, I was made to feel guilty for liking it and enjoying sex all together.

I've been single for about three years now and there were times where I actually cried if I masturbated or got off or even watched porn or hentai. Now that I'm healing, I'm able to be open about sex all together and sharing what I like on here. So I feel like I healed from everything that I've gone through and post whatever comes to my mind on what turns me on and things that I would like to try. For example I always knew there was apart of me that loved woman. Ever since I was younger, I loved woman and always wanted to be with one. I did date one when we broke up because she wanted to go back with her ex, I let her go because I wanted her to be happy, but I'm glad that I did date her for the time being.

There's some things that I have tried and other things that I haven't tried yet. The one thing that I'm happy about is that I no longer get sad when it comes to sex or feeling guilty, but for the longest time I refused to think about sex because of my ex. I'm just very happy that I'm passed all of it now.

BeautifulBlueSky...you are a lovely young woman. I'm so sorry you went through such an abusive relationship. I'm also glad to see that you are recovering from that and finding yourself and enjoying yourself. Life is beautiful and I hope you find other caring men and women to enhance your life and your sex experiences!

 

[CandiCame]

I've been really, really trying to dial back and start letting other people like... mean something to me.

It's not that I was guarded or had a shell or walls up or anything, it's just always been really difficult for me to like... it's so hard to explain.

So my therapist says that I never really bonded with my parents, because they were kinda shitty about being parents, for a lot of reasons, so I never learned that I was supposed to care what other people thought about me. I just never really internalized it. Because I never had a way to model that as a little kid, not like I was supposed to.

So it's not that I don't love people. I do. And I can connect with people. But it's really, really hard for their approval or disapproval to mean anything to me. I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that I'm supposed to care about that. So I am making a conscious effort.

And what I've discovered is... I kind of like being in relationships. I still have a crippling fear of commitment and I still have a really hard time, but for most of my life I've been this like... really slutty party kid. I didn't really have strong relationships asmuchas I had friends with benefits because I thought that's what relationships were. Like I genuinely did not comprehend what people meant when they told me they loved me or why they were mad at me, or a bunch of other shit. I could not comprehend that my opinions about them mattered to them, that my happiness mattered to them, because it didn't to me the way it does to neurotypical people.

And I mean it's absolutely fine to be slutty. But it should be a choice, you know? And I'm still not monogomous by any means, but I'm not terrified of making commitments and sticking to them, and I understand what it means to matter to somebody else, and how to make that connection and work together to strengthen it.

One of the biggest changes this has caused is I watch my mouth a LOT more now. It never really occurred to me that people could be hurt by words, so I used to just roast people all the time for little to no reason. And nobody ever called me on it?? For some reason? Like looking back I can not figure out why nobody just hauled off and beat the shit out of me.

And the reason I did that is not because I'm a dick, it's because, again, because of my childhood... I hate to say 'trauma' but because of my childhood lacking certain characteristics, the way I like to be treated is NOT how other people like to be treated, so I just woefully misunderstood the "Treat others as you would like to be treated" rule. If I look fucked up, I want to know I look fucked up. I will get mad about it. I'll be like, "Y'all were really gonna let me walk around lookin like that, therefore, you don't give a shit about me. If you had cared, you would have said something."

I did not know until my TWENTIES that this was not how most folks wanted to live their life. I genuinely thought I was being nice by roasting the shit out of people with no provocation. In therapy I learned the "Five minute rule", which is "Can it be fixed in five minutes?" If the answer is yes, people want to know. If the answer is no, keep your mouth shut.

I'm not like that. If I need cosmetic surgery in 20 years I want to know now so I can start saving, and I want to be reminded in case I forget, because I have no memory.

So basically my personal growth journey is to move away from being a bag of dicks and move toward being a nice person. You have to be taught those skills. You're not born with them. And it is kind of hard to do as a grown-ass adult, but it's not impossible. Anyone in that boat can do it, can change. It is just really hard. It's constant work. You have to learn to restructure the way you think. And it's all about connecting properly with other people and using empathy more than sympathy.

So that's kind of the self-discovery, self-improvement path I'm on. I'm not there yet, but I'm working really hard.

 

[Jada59]

To love other people, you must learn to love yourself..

Or something like that.

Quite true.

 

[Poprockz]

It's all a journey, I suppose. I can be really outgoing around people, but when I'm out and about, I'm really shy when it comes to romantic and sexual things. It's tough because being so vulnerable feels really dangerous. I don't know if you feel similarly, but I feel like opening yourself up gives someone the opportunity to learn something about you that will make you feel ashamed of yourself and will alienate the other person. However, I personally haven't suffered any sexual abuse, so I can't imagine how degrading your experience was.

What I'm trying to say is that I really hope that you continue to feel more comfortable with your own desires and such.