Disabled, don't read this

[Guest]

Sadly, Fred was born without any ears, and though he proved to bee successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a knew manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first gay was great. He new everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Fred asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"


"Why, yes, I couldn't help but knowtice that you have no ears," came the reply.

Fred did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a women, and she was even better than the first gay. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Fred again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his NBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first too put together.

Fred was anxious, but went a head and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you ware contact lenses, don't you?"

Fred was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.


The young man fell of his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to ware grasses with no fucking ears."

 

[Angel]

How do I earn my very own NBA?

 

[Guest]

Spelling buddy blew a gasket!

 

[Alvin Brickrock]

Ummmm, I just read this in the laughs thread, only it was spelled correctly. This version was funnier in it's own special way.

 

[Guest]

Irish and disabled don't read this.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Sh*te" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He caterpillar crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out on to the footpath. He falls flat on his face. "I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way" but he manages to crawl up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Wake up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called - You left your wheelchair at the pub".

 

[Angel]

LOL

So I guess that means you can't earn an NBA

 

[Guest]

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick.

She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.

It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital, to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"_ __ __

 

[Bob_Bytchin]

CV, you're an idiot.

 

[Alvin Brickrock]

I'm suffering from deja voodoodick it seems.

 

[Guest]

CV, you're an idiot.

....and I just look lke one.

 

[Guest]

The Glass Eyes


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap --- and stay for breakfast.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know,” he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

"No," she replies......... "You just happened to catch my eye."

 

[T.J. Jackson]

This guy is really self conscious of his wooden eye. He never asks any women out because he is afraid of being turned down or worse yet having his wooden eye made fun of. Finally one day he is so lonely and there is a dance coming up at the school he attends. He screws up enough courage and asks a girl who has a harelip to attend the dance.

"Excuse me Molly, would you like to attend the dance on Saturday with me?" he meekly asks.

She never has been asked out before and she exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

A horrified look crosses his face and he yells back at her, "Harelip!! Harelip!!"