Dirty Jokes

[Softstone]

I was wondering if anyone here likes to trade dirty jokes?

If so here is one to start with...

The Flashing Wife

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, Chris, he went to the store."

"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"
No, come on in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest

breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a

hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one.

He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so

beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I

could just see them both together."

Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look

and even lets him fondle them for a minute or two.

Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says

he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird

friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the

200 bucks he owes me?"

 

[shyybabe]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says,

"What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

 

[Softstone]

Been Caught Cheating

Been Caught Cheating

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she beat the crap out of him then dragged him down the stairs to the garage and put his
penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the
handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to
cut it off are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You
are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

 

[Cibo]

One day a Mother and her young song went shopping for clothes. The kid being bored, saw a manican(sp?) and started to see up its skirt and put his hands up there. The mother saw this and told him never to put his hands down there because women got teeth under there that will bite you. Well the kid got scared and took his hands out. He grew up with this thought all the way though his teenage years until he was making out with a girl in a car. They were getting pretty heavy and she told him she was ready to go further and to stick his hands down her pants and panties. The kid was afraid to and said no he couldn't. Girl was confused and asked why not? He said that his mother said that women have teeth down there that will bite me. The girl laughed and said that his mom was telling him that so he won't have sex too early in life. The kid still not beliving her shook his head. Finally the girl got frustrated and took off both her pants and panties in one motion and told him to look because she doesn't have any teeth. The kid looked and said: With gums like those, I can see why.

 

[Cibo]

Bump...these are funny.

 

[MunchinMark]

A taxi driver is about to head back in for the evening, when an arm pokes out of an alley and flags him down. He pulls over and a naked woman jumps into the back. She tells him the address and he pulls away from the kirb.

Having a naked woman in the back of his cab, the driver spends a bit more time checking his mirror than is strictly necessary. The woman notices and demands to know why he is staring.

"Well, I couldn't help noticing that you are completely naked and you aren't holding any money." The taxi driver responds. "What are you going to pay the fare with?"

The woman smiles seductively and opens her legs. "How about this?"

"Damn woman!" The driver exclaims, "have you got anything smaller?"

 

[Kasha]

A sour wind

This joke takes place back in the old south. A young couple were planning on getting married. There was a tradition that required the groom to have dinner with his fiance's parents before they were married. So, one night, he went over to her parents house. Her whole family was there: her parents, her grandparents, even the old family dog Rover. They were sitting around the dinner table, and about 15 minutes in, the guy had to fart. He thought to himself, oh man, I can't start off with a bad impression like this. So he tries to squeeeeeeeeze it out, and he does it. The fart drifts around the room for a bit, and old Grandma gets a whiff of it. She shouts, "Rover!", yelling at the dog who happened to be lying under his chair. The guy chuckles to himself because the dog got blamed for his fart. A few minutes later, he has to fart again. He's thinking, "Oh man, not again." He tries to squeeeeezze it out, and he manages again with no sound. It drifts around the room for a bit. Old Grandma gets a whiff of this fart too. She shouts, "Rover!", yelling at the dog again. The guy is about to laugh out loud. He can't beleive the dog got blamed two times for his farts. So finally, dinners over, and they're all sitting around chatting. The man has to fart again, but this time its a huge one. The guy can't beleive his bad luck. Three farts in one dinner! So, he tries to squeeeeeeze it out, but he has no luck this time. He rips one so loud it almost blows grandma off her rocker. Old grandma gets up, runs over, and kicks that old dog, and shouts "Rover, get out from under that man 'fore he shits on you!!!

 

[Kasha]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a woman goes to the doctor and complians that her and her husband never have sex anymore. the dotor then gives her a large jar of pills and instructs her to give him a few in his drink at night. so the woman goes home and that night she puts one in his coffee. they start to make out real hot and heavy. she decides that it aint enough so tha next night she put two in and they really get it on but she still isnt satisfied. so on the third night, she dumps the entire jar in his 32 ounce beer. well...
a week later, the doctor calls and the womans son picks up the phone
"So how is your mom doing?"he asks.
"well, mom's dead, sis is pregnant, my asshole hurts, and dad is out naked on the lawn screaming 'HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY!'

 

[Laci]

The paper boy would be at the house at any minute and Mrs. Jones planned to seduce him and make sweet love to him in exchange for payment she owed on the paper. When the young boy comes to the door Mrs. Jones answers wearing a see through nightgown revealing her lucious breasts all the way down to her hairy bush. The boy looks at her and says "I need my twenty dollars Mrs. Jones". She says "Well I thought we could work something out. Maybe we could just have sex in exchange for your fee". The young boy looks at her and shakes his head. "Okay fine", he says. The young boy pulls down his pants revealing a 15 inch penis. The woman is shocked. The young boy then starts to throw washers down his long rod stacking them on till more then half his humongous penis is covered. "What are you doing?" She asks him. He replies " For twenty bucks your not getting all of this".

 

[Laci]

One day a fly is hovering over the lake and decides to land on the surface of the water. Below the water is a fish that figures if the fly goes down he'll jump up and get it. In the woods a bear see's the fly and figures that the fish will jump up to get it and then he'll reach out and grab the fish. Even further in the woods a hunter see's the fly and figures if the fly goes down the fish jumps up and the bear gets the fish then the hunter gets the bear. Even further in the woods a cat decides not to pay any attention to the fuss and take a nao up in the tree.

So the fly goes down the fish jumps up the bear gets the fish the hunter gets the bear the cat gets frightened and falls from the tree into the lake. Whats the oint of the story?

When the fly goes down the pussy gets wet.

 

[Cibo]

Heh, the joke was funny Laci. And i love your sig from Fight Club.