Dirty Joke of the Day

[Frimost]

Jane Meets Tarzan..............

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,... Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, ... but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothes and laid down on the
ground. "Here" she said,... "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and
then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she
managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan first check for bees."

LOL

 

[Guest]

 

[navarre]

OK, I'll throw one in...

A guy's looking for a job and he sees a "Help Wanted" sign in the window of an adult toy store so he walks in to inquire about the job.

The manager welcomes him, and offers him a job. For training, he says: "Everything is pretty much marked with a price tag. The only things that aren't are the dildoes, but we only have two so it's easy to remember. The little pink ones cost $5 each and those big black ones cost $10 each."

The guy figures that's easy enough to remember, and having previous retail experience, knows he can handle it. The manager has to leave so he leaves his new clerk in charge of the shop.

Before too long, a petite young woman walks in and inquires about their dildo selection. The clerk replies:

"We have these little pink ones for $5 and these big black ones for $10."

"Hmmmm..." she says "those black ones look a little big for me. I think I'll just take a pink one, please."

She hands him the cash and she's on her way. A little bit later, another woman walks in and asks the same question.

"We have these little pink ones for $5 and these big black ones for $10."

She blushes a bit and says, "I'll take one of each, please."

She pays for her purchases and heads out the door. 20 minutes later, a blonde walks in and, again, asks the same question and gets the same response:

"We have these little pink ones for $5 and these big black ones for $10."

"Well, how much for that checkered one over there?" she asks.

"That's a special dildo... that costs $25."

"Well, it's a bit more than I planned to spend, but okay."

She pays and leaves. An hour later, the manager walks in and asks the clerk how the day has gone so far.

"Great!" he says "I sold two pink dildoes for $10 total, one black dildo for $10... and I sold my thermos for $25!"

 

[wizbit9]

Re: OK, I'll throw one in...

A guy's looking for a job and he sees a "Help Wanted" sign in the window of an adult toy store so he walks in to inquire about the job.

The manager welcomes him, and offers him a job. For training, he says: "Everything is pretty much marked with a price tag. The only things that aren't are the dildoes, but we only have two so it's easy to remember. The little pink ones cost $5 each and those big black ones cost $10 each."

The guy figures that's easy enough to remember, and having previous retail experience, knows he can handle it. The manager has to leave so he leaves his new clerk in charge of the shop.

Before too long, a petite young woman walks in and inquires about their dildo selection. The clerk replies:

"We have these little pink ones for $5 and these big black ones for $10."

"Hmmmm..." she says "those black ones look a little big for me. I think I'll just take a pink one, please."

She hands him the cash and she's on her way. A little bit later, another woman walks in and asks the same question.

"We have these little pink ones for $5 and these big black ones for $10."

She blushes a bit and says, "I'll take one of each, please."

She pays for her purchases and heads out the door. 20 minutes later, a blonde walks in and, again, asks the same question and gets the same response:

"We have these little pink ones for $5 and these big black ones for $10."

"Well, how much for that checkered one over there?" she asks.

"That's a special dildo... that costs $25."

"Well, it's a bit more than I planned to spend, but okay."

She pays and leaves. An hour later, the manager walks in and asks the clerk how the day has gone so far.

"Great!" he says "I sold two pink dildoes for $10 total, one black dildo for $10... and I sold my thermos for $25!"

this will be repeated on numerous occasions down the pub i have a feeling

 

[VanB]

A guy goes to his doctor and looks really agitated whilst he's in the waiting room to the extent that the receptionist arranges for him to see the doctor before anyone else.

As he walks into the doctor's consulting room he looks really excited.

The doctor asks him what the problem is to which he replies simply "It's my penis"

The doctor asks him to show him the offending member at which the guy flops out a huge, great thick 14" member.

The doc, on seeing this says "There doesn't seem to be much wrong with it"

The guy replies with a beaming smile " I know! It's a beaut isn't it?"

 

[Frimost]

Another one

A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,

'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'

Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left
leg and kicked it over'

Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '

Man: 'So then what happened?'

Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just
as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '

Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'

Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '

Man: 'And then what.'

Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over
the bucket with her tail.'

Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So then what did you do?'

Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in.'

 

[glamorilla]

What do you do with 350 used condoms?

Melt them down,make a tire and call it a good year.

 

[Frimost]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She went to the second one... still no reaction.

She reaches the third and figured she had better put more effort into her dancing so she starts licking her own nipples and moaning loudly. STILL NO reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up and set off all the other bells.

 

[Frimost]

The chemistry of men and women

Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Voilent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: Man
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None unknown. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 

[Dragon Dreamer]

There is an elephant walking through the Jungle, and she gets a rock stuck in her foot. It's really starting to hurt when she sees an ant walking nearby.

"Mr. Ant, can you please wiggle this rock out of my foot? It really hurts." asks the elephant.

"I'll wiggle out the rock only if I can have sex with you." replies the ant.

The elephant is shocked and immediately turns to walk away. But the rock really hurts, and it's only an ant, what could he do? So she turns back around.

"Ok Mr. Ant, if you wiggle out the rock you can have sex with me."

So the ant wiggles out the rock, then starts climbing up the back of her leg. Finally, he is in position and goes to town. The elephant looks around and waits for the ant to finish.

Meanwhile, in a nearby coconut tree sits a monkey who finds the whole situation quite amusing. He grabs a coconut and throws it at the elephant's head. The elephant yells "OW!" and the ant replies, "Take it all B*%ch."

 

[shyybabe]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle
for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come talk to you."

Dad says, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now,but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG
on the leash.

Dad asks, "Where is Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block, so another dog's pushing her home."

 

[InnocentAngel81]

these all made me laugh. thanks

 

[DevilBoy79]

i like the tarzan one most