BiBunny
Moon Queen & Wanderer
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2005
- Posts
- 12,253
This ran across my mind while I was watching my mother ride my older, somewhat cantankerous horse Bubba the other day. (Yeah, that's a hell of an opening line for a thread in the BDSM Talk forum, but I'm a horse person, a former psych major, and a huge perv. Bear with me. This is a thread on dominance, I assure you.)
My mother is what horse people call a re-rider. She used to ride when she was younger, but she was thrown a few years before I was born and hurt quite badly. She's wanted to show all her life, and after many years of watching me do it, a couple of years ago, she decided to try it for herself. She goes through phases of being determined and phases of being terrified, so we haven't gotten really far. (Especially considering that I've pretty much been the only one instructing her, and we know how hard it is to learn something from someone you're close to.)
Bubba is one of those horses who will do the least amount of work he can possibly get away with. He's always been that way. He starts out by subtly testing his rider, and if you let him get away with something, he WILL take advantage. Once he takes advantage, there's no getting his mind back right unless you're prepared to fight for it. He learned a long time ago that when I'm riding, the easiest thing he can do is just go along with what I want him to do because if he works well and performs properly, I won't ride him long, and he'll get loving and treats. This is not to say he doesn't test me occasionally ('cause hope springs eternal, y'know), but if I deal with it quickly and don't make a big deal out of it, he goes back to being his obedient horsey self.
Now, my mother, on the other hand, is very nervous most of the time when she rides. She hasn't learned to pick her battles with him yet, for one thing. For example, she gets upset if he doesn't stand perfectly still while she gets on and will yell at him or pull on the reins or otherwise annoy him about it, while I'll either get someone else to hold him while I get on or stand him near a fence or something, so that if he does move, he can't go far. However, for all her bluffing about him standing still while she mounts, once she's in the saddle, she's a total creampuff, and he knows it.
I've been trying to get her out of some of these habits, but it's really hard. She'll toy with the reins to "keep his attention" (which he ignores, by the way, because she's not really asking him to do anything). She more or less worries him to death about things that don't matter, like which way his ears are facing or something, but doesn't address his actual misbehaviors. It's like she's trying to convince him that she's in charge with little, silly things when they both know good and well that she's not. Like people, horses ignore nagging, too.
When I ride, I have an "ask first, tell second, MAKE third" policy. Once the horses I ride learn this, I usually don't have to go past the asking part, and hardly ever have to go past telling. It makes for a happy rider (me) and happy horses.
Now, that brings me to my actual question about styles of dominance. I am, by nature, an easygoing person who basically wants everyone around me to be happy if at all possible. (This applies when I'm the dominant and when I'm the submissive.) I will fight if pushed (this also applies to both dominant me and submissive me), but that happens rarely because of the kinds of people I choose to surround myself with.
When I'm the dominant one, my method of dealing with horses also applies. I ask first, and I tell second. It never gets to the "make" category because if I have to "make" a sub do something, he/she can go find someone else because there are plenty of subs who'll do things for me when I ask because they want to. The dominants I choose to play with are always the laid-back type. They don't give orders or commands that are just for the sake of proving their dominance. My way of thinking is if we both know you're the dominant here, why should you have to keep proving it? The reason that I will do absolutely anything B. asks of me is that I know his commands are always reasonable (never "Me Dom, you sub, you do what I say"), and he will explain the whys and wherefores of them to appease my over-analytical mind without getting upset at me for "questioning his dominance." I have turned down many a dominant because they like to make subs jump through hoops for no good reason. "Because I say so" is not a good reason in my mind.
Now, that being said, I have nothing wrong with dominants (or submissives) who prefer that style. It's just not for me. So, Dom(me)s, tell me--do you like to give lots of extraneous orders to make subs "prove" their devotion to your will, or do you prefer to keep it simple? Subs, which of these styles do you prefer? Do you feel as if your Dom(me) is neglecting you if he/she doesn't give you a lot of orders, or would you rather be left to your own devices unless it's something truly important? Switches, tell me what you like when you're on top and when you're on bottom. It could be a distinct preference for one of these two styles or a combination of the two.
I know I could be opening a can of worms, but I hope not. Like I said, I have my own preferences, but I'm not knocking what others do. I'm not sure if this falls into the category of "micromanagement" or not, which is why I started a new thread rather than bumping an old micromanagement thread.
Now, for a cute pic of the inspiration for this thread, Feeling Chipper, better known as Bubba.
My mother is what horse people call a re-rider. She used to ride when she was younger, but she was thrown a few years before I was born and hurt quite badly. She's wanted to show all her life, and after many years of watching me do it, a couple of years ago, she decided to try it for herself. She goes through phases of being determined and phases of being terrified, so we haven't gotten really far. (Especially considering that I've pretty much been the only one instructing her, and we know how hard it is to learn something from someone you're close to.)
Bubba is one of those horses who will do the least amount of work he can possibly get away with. He's always been that way. He starts out by subtly testing his rider, and if you let him get away with something, he WILL take advantage. Once he takes advantage, there's no getting his mind back right unless you're prepared to fight for it. He learned a long time ago that when I'm riding, the easiest thing he can do is just go along with what I want him to do because if he works well and performs properly, I won't ride him long, and he'll get loving and treats. This is not to say he doesn't test me occasionally ('cause hope springs eternal, y'know), but if I deal with it quickly and don't make a big deal out of it, he goes back to being his obedient horsey self.
Now, my mother, on the other hand, is very nervous most of the time when she rides. She hasn't learned to pick her battles with him yet, for one thing. For example, she gets upset if he doesn't stand perfectly still while she gets on and will yell at him or pull on the reins or otherwise annoy him about it, while I'll either get someone else to hold him while I get on or stand him near a fence or something, so that if he does move, he can't go far. However, for all her bluffing about him standing still while she mounts, once she's in the saddle, she's a total creampuff, and he knows it.
I've been trying to get her out of some of these habits, but it's really hard. She'll toy with the reins to "keep his attention" (which he ignores, by the way, because she's not really asking him to do anything). She more or less worries him to death about things that don't matter, like which way his ears are facing or something, but doesn't address his actual misbehaviors. It's like she's trying to convince him that she's in charge with little, silly things when they both know good and well that she's not. Like people, horses ignore nagging, too.
When I ride, I have an "ask first, tell second, MAKE third" policy. Once the horses I ride learn this, I usually don't have to go past the asking part, and hardly ever have to go past telling. It makes for a happy rider (me) and happy horses.
Now, that brings me to my actual question about styles of dominance. I am, by nature, an easygoing person who basically wants everyone around me to be happy if at all possible. (This applies when I'm the dominant and when I'm the submissive.) I will fight if pushed (this also applies to both dominant me and submissive me), but that happens rarely because of the kinds of people I choose to surround myself with.
When I'm the dominant one, my method of dealing with horses also applies. I ask first, and I tell second. It never gets to the "make" category because if I have to "make" a sub do something, he/she can go find someone else because there are plenty of subs who'll do things for me when I ask because they want to. The dominants I choose to play with are always the laid-back type. They don't give orders or commands that are just for the sake of proving their dominance. My way of thinking is if we both know you're the dominant here, why should you have to keep proving it? The reason that I will do absolutely anything B. asks of me is that I know his commands are always reasonable (never "Me Dom, you sub, you do what I say"), and he will explain the whys and wherefores of them to appease my over-analytical mind without getting upset at me for "questioning his dominance." I have turned down many a dominant because they like to make subs jump through hoops for no good reason. "Because I say so" is not a good reason in my mind.
Now, that being said, I have nothing wrong with dominants (or submissives) who prefer that style. It's just not for me. So, Dom(me)s, tell me--do you like to give lots of extraneous orders to make subs "prove" their devotion to your will, or do you prefer to keep it simple? Subs, which of these styles do you prefer? Do you feel as if your Dom(me) is neglecting you if he/she doesn't give you a lot of orders, or would you rather be left to your own devices unless it's something truly important? Switches, tell me what you like when you're on top and when you're on bottom. It could be a distinct preference for one of these two styles or a combination of the two.
I know I could be opening a can of worms, but I hope not. Like I said, I have my own preferences, but I'm not knocking what others do. I'm not sure if this falls into the category of "micromanagement" or not, which is why I started a new thread rather than bumping an old micromanagement thread.
Now, for a cute pic of the inspiration for this thread, Feeling Chipper, better known as Bubba.
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