dilema - can anyone help?

[Harry sach]

I've browsed this site many a time, but i've decided to come on here to see if anyone can give me some advice. I'm married, but sex with my wife is virtually non existent, even after only 7 months. this is mainly due to her being sexually abused by another family member when she was younger. I am the only person she has ever told about it. i can only imagine that it has affected her in some way, but she's just not that fussed about sex, and when we do have it it takes a lot to get going.
My problem is that last year i was chatting to a gay bloke at work about that kind of stuff, and ended up going back to his place after work, and he sucked my cock. i was terrified to say the least. I just wasn't sure i should have done it. It happened a couple more times, and he said he wanted me to fuck him, but i tried to keep my distance, feeling guilty about my partner. He has been asking me on and off to go round to his place for ages now, and i finally gave in last week and let him suck me off again. Because i hadn't had any sex for a while, it felt so good. But i told him i couldn't do it anymore, because i had made my vows, and felt that i couldn't be unfaithful. The trouble is, since then i keep thinking about it happening again, and i have to keep going and jacking off at work to stop myself from walking around all day with a hard on, and to make myself stop thinking about it. I know i shouldn't do anything more, but it's just the thought of sexual contact that makes me think of it. at least, i think that's what it is. Can anyone tell me what they would do ?

Thanks

 

[SamuraiHeroD]

Well, I'm not the best person for giving advice (as though anyone on an internet forum is), but here's what I'd say:

Be honest. Don't keep this inside, or you'll mess up even worse. I think you are doing the wrong thing by doing something sexual with someone who isn't your wife, even if she isn't into sex, but I doubt you can go on this way. If you're feeling guilty and ashamed of yourself, then tell your wife you need to have a serious talk with her, take a deep breath, and tell her what's been happening. I'm sure she won't take it well, but if you break it as easily as possible, in the end, this will be for the best. Tell her you're ashamed of what you've done, but also tell her that you're not getting what you need. Really, this is not something you can hide, I'm sure...

Even if you love her very much, if you're not getting your needs fufilled, it's not a two-way relationship. And what about her? Is she just going to go on like this forever? Perhaps you should suggest therapy for her, to get over this. It will take time, but you will feel better for being honest in the end. I don't think you want to do this.

And I'd recommend not worrying for now, if you are, about being gay or bisexual. You may just be engaging in this because it's the only way to get what you feel you need right now.

 

[Brinnie]

Grab your wife,
throw her on the bed
AND TAKE WHAT'S YOURS!


Don't give me shit about sexually abused... *I* was sexually abused. I fuck as much as I can.

And no, your not a bad man for breaking your vows. She vowed to screw you for life when she married you. It's in the bible. Besides, the same sex isn't really cheating.

 

[SweetErika]

Grab your wife,
throw her on the bed
AND TAKE WHAT'S YOURS!


Don't give me shit about sexually abused... *I* was sexually abused. I fuck as much as I can.

And no, your not a bad man for breaking your vows. She vowed to screw you for life when she married you. It's in the bible. Besides, the same sex isn't really cheating.

Joke or not, Brinnie, that's disrespectful to you and everyone else who is a survivor or has been impacted by assault or abuse. It's neither funny nor right.

Just because you have dealt with your abuse by fucking as much as you can doesn't mean that everyone else should cope in a similar manner. A lot of people may try to bury their feelings and memories with promiscuity, but many others retreat from sex because it's just too painful. Abuse is certainly a valid reason for avoiding sex, and should be dealt with in counseling.

A lot of things are in the bible, and that doesn't mean they're right or wrong for everyone. Hell, most of the stuff we do daily and talk about here is "wrong."

I don't believe the same sex isn't cheating. I subscribe to the theory that engaging in an emotional or physical relationship without your partner's consent is cheating, but others define it differently. Gender only factors into the rules my husband and I have agreed on, not our definitions.

I agree you shouldn't break your promises to someone, but people make mistakes. Harry, I would advise you and your wife to get counseling. Because of her history, I think it'd be best to talk to a professional first and then bring her into the sessions if that's what he or she advises. If not, they can help you to decide whether or not to tell her and how to do it. Someone who understands the psychology of abuse should also be able to help you two deal with the sex issues. Masturbate or do whatever, but stop seeing your friend for the time being until you get some of this other stuff sorted out.

 

[SamuraiHeroD]

Thanks, Erika. And Brinnie, though I'm impressed you've been able to let your past go and move on with your life (if that's the case), what you said, because of how you presented it, sounded more like a joke than seriousness, and if you're going to joke about this sort of thing...

This is some pretty heavy shit we're talking about here. Not that talking about it on an internet forum really makes it seem that way.

I don't feel particularly qualified to help you, HS. I agree with Erika; go get counseling with your wife. She probably should have done that a long time ago.

 

[Harry sach]

totally agree with that, but i don't think i could make her go.
also, i forgot to add, the other stuff has only happened once since i've been married.

 

[deezire1900]

Sweet E...will you marry me?

 

[bi_asian_guy]

*****

 

[Queersetti]

I can empathize with your situation. My wife is definitely not someone who thinks about sex a lot (and nothing is really going to change that) whereas I am much the opposite. In my case I've taken things "in hand" a lot to alleviate the pressure...

I had a lot of sexual encounters with men and women before our marriage but nothing since then because I value our relationship too much to hurt her and to break my vows. We have so many other great things to live for that this is a viable compromise. Whether that'll still be the case in a few years I can't say but things are great with us now. I expect that if I stop feeling this way I will talk to her and allow her the dignity of being able to address our mutual problem before I make a unilateral decision.

Maybe rather than coming right out and telling your wife what you've done with this other fellow, you should first approach her about going to counselling together. Once your wife realizes that the alternative is that you could very well break up (not that you should put it so directly to her, mind you), she will probably want to find a way to heal herself and heal your relationship. I don't think anyone in their right mind would feel that it's ok for a married couple to go without sex for so long unless both people are happy with that arrangement.

The reason I think you should avoid mentioning this other fellow is that your wife has a lot to deal with as it is, without adding to it the complexity of a 'cheating' husband *and* that of a bisexual husband.

I agree. Telling her will just make her feel that another man in her life has betrayed her.

 

[Harry sach]

That's what kills me. I fucking hate myself for even doing that, but i'd just like a little more sex and physical contact in my life. She has said to me on numerous occasions 'why don't you go and find someone else?' , but i don't want anybody else - i wouldn't have married her otherwise. The other problem is that this guy bugs me to go to his house a lot at work. I told him the other week that i couldn't do it again, that i had a conscience and i had made my vows for a reason, but he still asked me again yesterday. He won't take no for an answer. I'm beginning to think i will have to change jobs, which is something i want to do anyway. That way the problem will be no more.
Thanks for your opinions anyway guys. They're much appreciated.

 

[SweetErika]

I can empathize with your situation. My wife is definitely not someone who thinks about sex a lot (and nothing is really going to change that) whereas I am much the opposite. In my case I've taken things "in hand" a lot to alleviate the pressure...

I had a lot of sexual encounters with men and women before our marriage but nothing since then because I value our relationship too much to hurt her and to break my vows. We have so many other great things to live for that this is a viable compromise. Whether that'll still be the case in a few years I can't say but things are great with us now. I expect that if I stop feeling this way I will talk to her and allow her the dignity of being able to address our mutual problem before I make a unilateral decision.

Maybe rather than coming right out and telling your wife what you've done with this other fellow, you should first approach her about going to counselling together. Once your wife realizes that the alternative is that you could very well break up (not that you should put it so directly to her, mind you), she will probably want to find a way to heal herself and heal your relationship. I don't think anyone in their right mind would feel that it's ok for a married couple to go without sex for so long unless both people are happy with that arrangement.

The reason I think you should avoid mentioning this other fellow is that your wife has a lot to deal with as it is, without adding to it the complexity of a 'cheating' husband *and* that of a bisexual husband.

Well said. I agree you need to somehow impress that the relationship isn't going to work without counseling. Don't make it about her or sex, just emphasize that you'd like to learn some tools and work on some issues together. If she won't go, you can still go by yourself, and I'm the therapist will have some other ideas on how to deal with this and maybe get her in counseling.

 

[Mikijl Dragon]

The guy at work could be thinking you are just playing hard to get. You gave in once I am sure he is thinking you will cave again.

It also may be a sexual thrill for him, straight married guy relunctly taking of the forbidden fruit kinda stuff.

if you want that to stop it's simple. Smile and say no thank you. Thats it, no lengthy explianations or self justification. Eventually he will catch a clue. The other side of the coin that I am seeing here is that you, on a base level, dont want him to stop asking. You need to stop being wishy washy about this at work. I make it a habit of never engaging in any romantic or sexual relationship with any co worker. It only leads to problems. Believe me I have been tempted from both sexes.

As for the wife issue you need to sit down and talk this out. Counseling is a good start. Leave your past indiscresions for another day. If she wont help you change the situation by going to marriage counseling (would suggest this first before the other type as it has less of a stigma to it) and you are tottally commited to this relationship. Load up on the porn and relieve that tension yourself.

Another thought that comes to mind is talking to your wife and finding out what she needs to be more comfortable about sex. Sometimes its little things that will trigger the memory and if you avoid those you can have a healthy sex life. I was once with a girlfriend that had been abused and as long as I had smooth facial hair she was ok. The rough stubble would bring it back for her.

patience and a lot of communication are my recommendations here.

 

[SamuraiHeroD]

Yeah, good point, guys, I think you have a better idea than me. Rather than throwing everything at her at once, you should probably admit what you've done with the mediation of a counselor. It will soften it for everyone. That sounds more reasonable.

If she won't go to a counselor, tell her it's not for her, it's for you. Maybe this is just me, but if she's actually telling you to go out and find other people, I'd be worried. That seems like a strange attitude for her to be taking, and though I of course don't know her, I would say it's not what she really wants. Seems to me like she's really just putting up a big shield. Counseling would help her to lower it, and admit her true feelings, and at the very least, like MD said, say what her "triggers" are.

 

[SweetErika]

Yeah, good point, guys, I think you have a better idea than me. Rather than throwing everything at her at once, you should probably admit what you've done with the mediation of a counselor. It will soften it for everyone. That sounds more reasonable.

If she won't go to a counselor, tell her it's not for her, it's for you. Maybe this is just me, but if she's actually telling you to go out and find other people, I'd be worried. That seems like a strange attitude for her to be taking, and though I of course don't know her, I would say it's not what she really wants. Seems to me like she's really just putting up a big shield. Counseling would help her to lower it, and admit her true feelings, and at the very least, like MD said, say what her "triggers" are.

Actually, it's not uncommon for abuse and assault survivors to want to avoid anything sexual...the negative association is powerful enough to completely kill the libido, and it feels good to be able to exercise the right of choice. So I'm not really surprised she's told him to get it elsewhere, but it's certainly evidence she needs help.

 

[wishbone96]

Joke or not, Brinnie, that's disrespectful to you and everyone else who is a survivor or has been impacted by assault or abuse. It's neither funny nor right.

Sure isn't. It takes long time to get over that. Sometimes never, as it lives on forever in the back of your mind. You may forget it temporaryly only to awake some night from a very bad, frightening dream. It all comes home to roost, it leaks through your subconscious in many unhappy ways.

 

[Harry sach]

I think she has just tried to pretend it didn't happen by blocking it out. it doesn't help that this person is still alive, either.
She won't expand on what actually happened, but i found out during a conversation that dildos or something of that nature must have been involved, because she won't even entertain the idea of using them, and said that that was why.

 

[bi_asian_guy]

*****

 

[Harry sach]

i have not ever mentioned it to my wife, no, because i don't really feel that i am interested in men. this was just something that happened. I don't ever find myself looking at other men, and i never even looked at this particular one in that way, it came about from just talking to him about it. I'm not the only person from work who has gone to him either, so he said. I think he just likes doing it to satisfy himself in a way - he did have a boyfriend, but split up with him last year.

 

[anne27]

This is a very complex problem. I wish you the best of luck and I do agree with the ones who have told you that counseling is the way to go. From what you have said, I don't think your wife will get over her past abuse without it. If she doesn't want to see a counselor, perhaps you could at least convince her to get on the phone and call a local 'help line'. You can find those in almost every town. Having someone neutral to talk to about it would help her.

As to your co-worker problem, I think a job change would help temporarily, but the core problem, the lack of sexual contact with your wife, will still exist and something needs to be done about that. Unless it's corrected, you could continue along the cycle of 'cheating, remorse, cheating again' indefinitely. That's not a healthy mental situation for you, either.

On a side note, I know quite a few abuse victims who have gone to the other extreme and have become 'hyper sexual' and as Brinnie put so flippantly, "fuck as much as they can". I don't know the statistics, but I think it's also a very common
reaction to childhood abuse.
The fact that I know a lot of abuse survivors is in itself troubling. It's an epidemic, folks.

 

[Samandiriel]

Harry, has your wife ever been in therapy?
This may be an option for both of you, not saying what your doing is wrong, but it may help you to deal with it better.

How important is your relationship with your wife? The answer should help you to take the next step.

I wish you luck, it's a lot to deal with.

Sam.

 

[Harry sach]

No, she hasn't.
My relationship with my wife is very important to me. If it was to end, i wouldn't have a lot left to live for.

 

[bicuriousosaur]

Harry, I think your wife needs therapy. Also, tell her that the person who molested her was in fault, not her.