did you see that evening star

[vanslyker]

did you see that evening star
above the sunset line
while we were riding in the car
creating space with time

The sky was pinker than delight
a sailors dream come true
alone but never that alone
now, if you could see it too!

This little town where I haved lived
is nothing more than that
a town so small, that when the tide went out....
it never did come back
so when it comes on down to this
when someday I might leave
this rugged coast I just might miss
and this timelessness you see

 

[AChild]

hey hey hey
or as the indians say it
how how how

did you see that evening star
above the sunset line <--------this line cool, uncommon phrasing
while we were riding in the car
creating space with time <--------time with space sounds better
although it doesn't fit the rhyme

The sky was pinker than delight <----pink delight sky?
a sailors dream come true <--------these are gay sailors right? p
alone but never that alone
now, if you could see it too! <---------I thought were were both in the car

This little town where I have lived
is nothing more than that <---------Then what?
a town so small, that when the tide went out....
it never did come back
so when it comes to this,
that someday I might leave
I just might miss
this rugged coast
and timelessness, you see?

I hope you enjoyed the butchering of your expression. Please except this in the tone in which it was supplied . Feel free to take chipped hatchet to anyone of my posted poems.
Have a great day.

 

[vanslyker]

have you ever heard the expression "red skies at night, sailors delight" that meant there was a good chance there would be no incoming storms the next day. ..I can see also where the continuity isn't always there. I get used reading these to myself and it's important to hear what others think.

 

[vanslyker]

I wrote this for a women I had met on the internet who was into pastels and poetry and the sky that night was a very bright pink like I have never saw as my friend and I made our way down the highway I tried to capture that moment, and the distant you feel from someone even though you can see the same things "evening star".

 

[AChild]

have you ever heard the expression "red skies at night, sailors delight" that meant there was a good chance there would be no incoming storms the next day. ..I can see also where the continuity isn't always there. I get used reading these to myself and it's important to hear what others think.

If the sky is red the expression don't change it pink. Pink as delight lacks funk anyway. Dig deep. If you can see the continuity flaws and you know what it's supposed to be about, how do I have a chance of understanding?