Did I forget anything?

[Croctden]

Okay removing the mask for a moment: I received this in an email from a girl I know...

It was sudden. I had no intentions of going when I did. Before I realized it I was there and away from everything I knew. At first it seemed like the best thing I had done in my life. But after a while it turned ugly. I learned a few lessons, and also realize I stayed longer than I should have.
Before I left or even agreed to have him come here to see me, I told him what I wanted. He made a "promise" that he could give it. I don't want to pretend anything. I want to be what I feel and know I am or at least would be with proper training. Where I might love him, he isn't what I wanted and couldn't give it to me. He was at times brutual, unconditional, very very harse, and also at times very unforgiving(even after telling him I didn't want Him as a Master....just a boyfriend, which to be honest....he is not a natural Dom and didn't care to learn/read about that lifestyle. It wasn't truely in him, so we agreed that it wouldn't be apart of our relationship, but at times he'd forget that and take all his anger, frustration, and built up stress out on me.)

And I responded as such

Christ NAME there is a hell of alot more to a BDSM relationship then what happens in erotic stories. First off, you should know someone before you let them tie you down. Second, BDSM is sexual play. I NEVER go after a sub if I'm truly angry. Just not worth the risk. All to often an inexperienced sub just ends up becoming someone's dumping ground. You may be a slave, but that's not justification for someone to just treat you as though you're just a sack of shit. Third, don't try to put a square peg into a round hole, if he's not a dom you both should have accepted that rather than trying to make him change. In his defense not every dom is the same, maybe he though he was what you were looking for. More likely he was just taking advantage of an opportunity, thinking it sounded fun after reading a few stories.

This shit always bugs me out. I take great pride in not crossing certain lines. She's new and I feel I botched it by not warning her more. Anyway my quick question is can anyone think of something of major importance I left out? Thanks in advance

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

<snip>It was sudden. I had no intentions of going when I did. Before I realized it I was there and away from everything I knew. At first it seemed like the best thing I had done in my life. But after a while it turned ugly. I learned a few lessons, and also realize I stayed longer than I should have.
Before I left or even agreed to have him come here to see me, I told him what I wanted. He made a "promise" that he could give it. I don't want to pretend anything. I want to be what I feel and know I am or at least would be with proper training. Where I might love him, he isn't what I wanted and couldn't give it to me. He was at times brutual, unconditional, very very harse, and also at times very unforgiving(even after telling him I didn't want Him as a Master....just a boyfriend, which to be honest....he is not a natural Dom and didn't care to learn/read about that lifestyle. It wasn't truely in him, so we agreed that it wouldn't be apart of our relationship, but at times he'd forget that and take all his anger, frustration, and built up stress out on me.)<snip>

I read this and thought to myself....IMO, not only should you KNOW the person tying you up, but perhaps you should know a bit more about YOURSELF, and who you are. What you need. Be more secure in how you are going to go about getting it. I think you gave her great advice C, however, she should perhaps have a look at InnerD's thread. It's a good one.

~anelize

 

[MissTaken]

Nice post and thanks for sharing, C.

Anger has no place in BDSM. You did well to point that out.

It can be difficult to try to find what you need when you don't REALLY know what it is and getting trapped into a system of labels also causes challenges. (Been there!)

Ideally, I don't need a "Dom", I need him...the subject of my affection. In all likelihood, he will be a Dom or dominant, but confining one's self to searching based on self prescribed labels isn't always the answer.

Hmmmm sorry to go off topic, my thoughts were wandering.

 

[shytilwet23]

you're blaming the victim IMHO.

 

[niteshade]

Ok, well, I am very new at all of this, as you will know if you have seen my posts... but I do know that the choices I make, not just in regards to my relationships, but for my entire life, are MY responsibility. It is my job to find out enough about myself BEFORE I take that step to be sure that it is something I really want. That includes finding someone that I trust enough to turn my body and emotions over to. If I make a mistake, I am not going to blame someone who tried their best to guide me in the right direction. From what you have said, YOU were not the one to hurt her... that blame lies on the person who did it. I dont think that it is really that much different than finding someone to have vanillia sex with... you still have to pick your partner, and hope he didnt study under Hannible Lector. So, basically, i am trying to say that I dont think you should feel guilty for another adult persons actions. It sounds to me like you gave her advice that I would have been glad to receive (and did take to heart, btw) so your obligation as a friend was fullfilled.

Peace to you,

Niteshade