Did BDSM help your less sexual partner?

[Wishingbox]

If you’re familiar with the 5 love languages I would say my wife is very much acts of service and quality time. She has never really been very interested in sex and is the type of person who would be content with once a month vanilla sex.

She made a comment the other day that she might not have energy for sex at the end of the day but had no problem prioritizing all kinds of other energy related tasks. She also mentioned something along the lines of not wanting to have to move or do anything.

I’m wondering if her view of our sexual pairing is overly focused on body pleasure and if she is willing to reshape her perspective for it to be an act of service if it would feel more like a natural way of loving.

Has anyone found success reframing sex with their partner by taking a more dominant “here is what I want, and this is what to do”?

Perhaps she would enjoy it more to not think about sex send simply serve sexually and perform?

I’ve always tried to prioritize her pleasure and make sure she having a good time and feeling pleasure. And that might be putting lots of pressure on her and causing her to be overly fixated on her own physical drive which is lower.

I’m not sure if I’m articulating this we’ll.

 

[Wishingbox]

Perhaps an analogy might work.

Say one person enjoys the pleasures of eating and exploring food (me) and she likes to serve by making dinner.

It may actually be causing more stress to be putting pressure on her to enjoy the meal exploration from the taste and exploration part.

Not that she doesn’t want to eat delicious food but she’s rather just focus on the making dinner by letting me pick the meals and she doesn’t need to be involved in the recipe exploration or decision making process.

 

[emme8]

Possibly but...

I would worried she would feel resentment about have to "serve" you. Especially if she wasn't into the sub thing prior to her libido diving.

But maybe she would enjoy the time to love on you without the pressure of her response. That might even turn her on somewhat.

You could also bargain. In exchange for sex do extra chores for her, Or take you to the ballet, or buy her presents.

Ask her. Do make her give in to pity sex for you and watch out if you contribute in any way to her decreased libido. Talk out of the bedroom about it.
And if necessary love her enough to enjoy your old friend Rosy Palm.

 

[Wishingbox]

Possibly but...

I would worried she would feel resentment about have to "serve" you. Especially if she wasn't into the sub thing prior to her libido diving.

But maybe she would enjoy the time to love on you without the pressure of her response. That might even turn her on somewhat.

You could also bargain. In exchange for sex do extra chores for her, Or take you to the ballet, or buy her presents.

Ask her. Do make her give in to pity sex for you and watch out if you contribute in any way to her decreased libido. Talk out of the bedroom about it.
And if necessary love her enough to enjoy your old friend Rosy Palm.

Good thoughts.

But maybe she would enjoy the time to love on you without the pressure of her response. That might even turn her on somewhat.

This does a good job articulating what I’m wondering if others made this shift and found it better.

I think she’d actually be ok with pity sex but up until recently it’s been difficult for me to accept because it felt like a failure of me either not making it fun or her now caring to be open or excited about her pleasure.

But there is a difference between “fine I’ll put out to satiate you” and “do what you want with me, it’s my gift to bring you pleasure even if I don’t experience the excitement of anticipation or exploration like you do”

I do plan on bringing some of this up but there is so much potentially negative perceptions around the BDSM space it can be difficult to introduce it in a not so threatening way.

It’s important to make sure that both people understand the dominance or control in a healthy way not in I just want to abuse or objectify. At first glance it can seem very offensive or off putting.

 

[emme8]

I've heard of a couple that the husband "paid" his wife for sex. I don't understand that because everything he has is mine already.
But that is an another option, or way to introduce it.
Go slow and hopefully after a few positive experiences it will improve.

 

[AlexBailey]

This isn’t quite the same thing but there may be some overlapping issues.

My wife deals with chronic pain and often has long stretches when she doesn’t feel sexual at all. I on the other hand, am almost always horny.

I’ve also got lots of kinks and sexual interests, including a love for light bondage, especially straitjackets, I can get off for hours at a time with little more than a couple minutes of her time to strap me in and then eventually letting me out.

It’s not a perfect solution, partly because I’m pretty useless when I can’t use my hands or arms, but it’s good for when we’re watching something on Netflix or whatnot.

She likes that it turns me on and usually enjoys the process of strapping me in, and she has fun teasing me by delaying my request to be let out.

I’d much prefer to be more interactive and play with her body but sometimes it’s just not in the cards.

 

[wicked woman]

The answer to your question is 'no'.

You don't mention anything about your wife showing any interest in submitting to you. Without that, I suggest that your idea might be nice in theory but would be a no go in real life. I'd me mad as the dickens if a partner said “here is what I want, and this is what to do”, unless I had agreed to let him have that control. Or else I'd just laugh in his face. Anyways, he definitely wouldn't get what he demanded. Is it hot hearing that from my Dom? Heck yeah...but you aren't her Dom and nothing in your posts suggests she has or will agree to it.

 

[Wishingbox]

The answer to your question is 'no'.

You don't mention anything about your wife showing any interest in submitting to you. Without that, I suggest that your idea might be nice in theory but would be a no go in real life. I'd me mad as the dickens if a partner said “here is what I want, and this is what to do”, unless I had agreed to let him have that control. Or else I'd just laugh in his face. Anyways, he definitely wouldn't get what he demanded. Is it hot hearing that from my Dom? Heck yeah...but you aren't her Dom and nothing in your posts suggests she has or will agree to it.

She often lets me massage and lead where we go sexually, has said she’s open to trying things but doesn’t bring ideas to the table because she’s not interested in doing research and generally doesn’t think about sexual exploration throughout the day.

She responds well once we’re into it, gets aroused and 99% of the time she reaches orgasms.

She seems completely happy to trust me to do what I want even if it’s not been explicitly said.

But I’m beginning to wonder if one of the biggest blockers to us initiating sex is the starting. I don’t want pity sex and the idea of just using her without also bringing her pleasure is a turn off for me. I guess the headspace for her might be “he wants me to want him sexually and not just have sex to get it over with” so she might be feeling excess pressure. Along with possibly not knowing what to do or how to perform for me or herself makes the decision process a blocker.

It’s less of me just saying “this is what I want” more about me taking charge and calling the shots so she can be more of a passenger, enjoy the ride and feel like she’s leaning more into her acts of service love language than whether her body is feeling super aroused at the start.

 

[emme8]

I didn't bring this up earlier but I should have.

Usually when the libido dies there's a reason.
Sometimes it is emotional stress or sleep deprivation, sometimes is medical illness or depression, sometimes it hormonal changes, it can also be a side effects of the medication she's taking.

Encourage her to go to the doctor and get a physical and discuss it with her doctor.

Then do everything you can to help her stress level...chores without being asked. Turn off stress inducing news, television or movies, she picks the shows for a while.

Take care of everything you can. Ask her every morning if there's anything she needs or wants from you.

Try that for a month, then have the discussion about more sex.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I’m beginning to wonder if one of the biggest blockers to us initiating sex is the starting.

I think this is the case for a lot of people.
Inertia is a bitch and I don’t think you even have to have a low drive, for this to be a thing.

It’s less of me just saying “this is what I want” more about me taking charge and calling the shots so she can be more of a passenger, enjoy the ride and feel like she’s leaning more into her acts of service love language than whether her body is feeling super aroused at the start.

And I think this is an important shift, in the way you think, because the initiator usually has the advantage of already being in the sexual mindset and perhaps even already aroused.
If the partner turns them down because they are not there too already, there is going to be a lot of turning down.
It’s quite possible to catch up or even just enjoy the ride, without being in the mood to swing from the chandeliers.

There are also a lot of people who enjoy a take charge partner in bed, without really being submissives.

I’ve always tried to prioritize her pleasure and make sure she having a good time and feeling pleasure. And that might be putting lots of pressure on her and causing her to be overly fixated on her own physical drive which is lower.

Yup, I think the feeling that you need to perform and have or provide mindblowing experiences, kills it for a lot of people.

Multiple orgasms, deeply gazing into each others eyes, feeling that deep connection, hearing angels sing etc is wonderful but on a normal tuesday night in a busy life ”Oh, we actually found time and energy to have sex!” is pretty great too.

She made a comment the other day that she might not have energy for sex at the end of the day but had no problem prioritizing all kinds of other energy related tasks. She also mentioned something along the lines of not wanting to have to move or do anything.

Yes and there is probably a clue in ”at the end if the day” there.

I think a man saying ”come here and let me enjoy/use your body” can be pretty hot though and I don’t think of that as service or pity sex or being a starfish really.

It might sound like the old fashioned version of married sex and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing as long as it’s a choice rather than unreflected default, should or must.

I think she’d actually be ok with pity sex but up until recently it’s been difficult for me to accept because it felt like a failure of me either not making it fun or her now caring to be open or excited about her pleasure.

But there is a difference between “fine I’ll put out to satiate you” and “do what you want with me, it’s my gift to bring you pleasure even if I don’t experience the excitement of anticipation or exploration like you do”

Well, pity sex doesn’t really come off sexy, unless you are in to the humiliation thing.

Perhaps you need to reframe sex more as enjoyment, release, closeness rather than performance?

She often lets me massage and lead where we go sexually, has said she’s open to trying things but doesn’t bring ideas to the table because she’s not interested in doing research and generally doesn’t think about sexual exploration throughout the day.

I don’t think you need to bring up BDSM, submission etc to begin with.
I think it would be better to take her up on what sounds like an open invitation to take more initiative and be more active.
Perhaps talk about being more open to your initiative without the expectation of spectacular sex etc but don’t make a huge production out of it and be sure she knows that no is still no and quite acceptable.

If you want to go further down the road to where no isn’t no or not an option - then you need to have a serious levelheaded conversation, probably several, but you don’t have to start out there.

 

[Wishingbox]

I didn't bring this up earlier but I should have.

Yes all very valid and important recommendations. I’ve worked hard on all of those fronts for a number of years but ultimately I’ve come to realize one partner can only do so much and the other has to own a certain amount of their sexual responsibility.

I wish there were a Myers-Briggs sexual personality test.

Emily Nagoski in “Come as you are” has a good breakdown of sex drives having a gas and break peddle. Breaks decrease sexual desire and gas peddles get things revved up.

She’s high breaks low gas. I’m high gas low breaks. She’s more sexual responsive and needs to get going but has to be open to getting going.

She’s also an HSP (highly sensitive person) so she’s easily overwhelmed.

She’s also probably in the Demisexual category.

Her love languages are act of service and quality time.

Anyway your points are spot on and after exploring those and many other areas over the years I’ve been able to identify that they’ve helped but probably aren’t the biggest factor effecting us.

 

[Wishingbox]

There are also a lot of people who enjoy a take charge partner in bed, without really being submissives.

Overall I really appreciate your whole perspective.

This is true and I’m thinking super light BDSM or maybe even that revisiting my situation through the BDSM lens has allowed me to see things differently.

There can be this unhealthy perspective of each of thinking the other needs to be like us instead of playing to our strengths. My strength might be that I think about and explore ways of finding pleasure and she mighty benefits from finding enjoyment herself as the instrument.

Not to say she doesn’t and can’t contribute but isn’t expected to in order to get started.

Yup, I think the feeling that you need to perform and have or provide mindblowing experiences, kills it for a lot of people.

I’m wondering if that’s been a bigger sexual break for her than she’s realized.

Yes and there is probably a clue in ”at the end if the day” there.

True but she’s not a morning sex person. Even before kids she wasn’t a mid-day sex person either. Maybe if we happen to be in bed after a nap once in a while but she always prefers sex then sleep. I’m fine with that but it means I often wait all day only to find it’s a no. She has said that sometimes it’s a maybe all the way up until it’s a no which I understand but means it’s the most consistent thing cut from the day.

Perhaps you need to reframe sex more as enjoyment, release, closeness rather than performance?

This is a good point and in here to some capacity. It’s way easier said then done with years of sexual expectations, conversations, assumptions, misunderstanding etc.

I also struggle to know what and how to bring ideas like this up without it feeling like more criticism.

We’ve tried lots of things and talk a lot over the years but I’ve come to realize my wanting to improve things can sometimes be a double edge sword with even the best tact and tenderness. Almost like the more I talk the more performance anxiety it can create.

I don’t think you need to bring up BDSM, submission etc to begin with.

Yeah I don’t think so either ar the moment. It’s more like something about the BDSM space seems to have something we could find value in.

Thanks for your thoughts they were excellent.

 

[Wishingbox]

Side tangent I’ve been reading a few books on BDSM and have really been enjoying “The Dominant Playbook” by Anton Fulmen.

I just started Chapter 14 this morning and it’s covering Dominant Pampering. This is what I was trying to get at thematically.

———
Edit: Ugh that chapter was perfectly on point but way too short. I need to find a book that focuses just on that paradigm of dominating through pampering

 

[Wishingbox]

@GoldenCompulsion thanks for sharing your thoughts I appreciate it.

Her not wanting to move or do anything during sex is a very passive behavior. Someone who is passive and unwilling to participate during a sexual encounter is disengaged, mentally and erotically.

Her not wanting to do anything is hit or miss. Sometimes she’s engaged and sometimes she seems like she doesn’t want anything but gives and option of what initially felt like putty sex.

Masturbation works just fine and feels awesome. But my fiancé can't make me feel good by touching me the way I can.

My wife seems like the opposite. She doesn’t like touching herself and can use a toy but wouldn’t voluntarily do so unless I ask her to. She does orgasm while using it though admitted recently that it’s a short orgasm vs other options which is helpful.

All the task-switching, mental exhaustion, organizational & other labor... Just try to imagine what your wife is expected to do and how that can affect her. How that works into her priorities.

I got some extra clarity on this just last night. I brought her most recent comment on not wanting to do anything and being exhausted. She said it was more mental exhaustion then physical which helped a lot. That lines up with what you’re saying. As an HSP it’s difficult because she gets mental overwhelmed relatively quickly. I can do everything I can to prevent that or alleviate it but a big portion of that is on her to own and navigate. I’m totally down to help as much as possible so she can go out, get breaks and recharge but she needs to prioritize that.

BDSM had zero to do with it. We have occasionally sprinkled it in for fun, but it has not changed my sex drive at all. Absolutely zero.

So, if this is actually the case, you don't really need BDSM. Why don't you just suggest different kinds of sex instead of introducing this high skill ceiling activity? With an honest conversation, you can find out if there are sex acts she likes that aren't just focused on the common hetero drudgery (lol) of her receiving digital stimulation, receiving oral, and vaginal penetration. Shit like that.

Perhaps I can explain some of the aspects of BDSM that I’m specifically thinking about. I see dominance/submission as a spectrum of intensity. On the lowest level we have some non verbal queues as to what our partner wants on far extreme we have forced commands etc.

We currently use a combination of non-verbal queues like pushing and guiding each other to the more simple over asks “can you [blank]”. The setup is very egalitarian. I’d say if anyone wants a thing they ask in that spectrum and the other accommodates. She’s about 99% non verbal I’m a bit more direct and ask.

But neither of us has taken the position of “do this”.

I however do initiate and control a lot of the foreplay and massage warming up etc. For me the BDSM I’m considering is a bit more along the lines of all she has to do is show up, and tune into her body and I’ll drive the show. It will be great. She’ll get pleasured but I don’t need her to come in with a game plan.

This way she can check her brain at the door and not need a game plan or even focus on pleasuring me through initiation and instead rely on prompts and commands. This is the area working BDSM I’m thinking may lean into her acts of service and at the same time allow her to “ride” and not drive.

I’m not looking for a slave or some of the more “extreme” aspects of the BDSM space unless she found that more suitable.

I hope I articulated that well.

 

[Wishingbox]

Sounds like some sensory processing sensitivities and/or similar issues. I was diagnosed with ASD myself so I can understand. But that is something to talk about that could be improved with her being proactive and experimenting with that. Not just something that would help with the sex life, but with life as a couple and her own personal life in general. Can't say much more than that because I don't live with you guys.

Really common way of communicating, actually, makes sense to me.

I think it's possible. I know that when I occasionally play as a kitten (pet play), it's like I get a break from being "in charge," which is relaxing to the brain. Relaxing to the brain while of course being a kitten is not necessarily a relaxing activity, LOL!

One really helpful discovery was the term HSP or Highly Sensitive Person. It really shed some light on environmental noise and mental overload.

It’s helped me not be so frustrated and seek to help but she also needs to own her sensory overload and design ways to reduce noise.

 

[Wishingbox]

How long have you been together?

Married + pre married = ?

15+ years total. 14 of those married.

 

[Wishingbox]

Was sex frequent early on?

No it’s always been pretty consistent averaging about 3 times a month.

 

[Wishingbox]

Hi. I think you did an excellent job in articulating your ideas. I've been a widower for 8 months now. But when my wife was alive, at all times during our life together, she felt any form of BDSM was an affront to the woman. She would have absolutely nothing to do with it, and hated the idea of control - especially male control over the female. Thank you and best wishes.

First I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult the loss must be for you. I’m sending hugs and love your way.

As to the BFSM I think there are so many misconceptions around it (many even I held up until recently). Im sure sometimes it can be an affront to woman and done in a harmful way but it can be so liberating and the receiver/bottom is in many ways in control. It’s a mutual control and surrender. I’ve been reading a lot on the topic recently and think it can be really beautiful and deeply respectful of once you can differentiate pain from harm.