Dialogue Question

[ScrappyPaperDoodler]

With phone calls, I've seen writers use the following pattern:

"Hello... Sorry, you've got the wrong number... No, this is not the bakery on third street... I'm certain... Okay... Goodbye."

I think that's great. Now, I have a conversation that's already quite packed. I want a character to ask a lot of the questions, but the answers aren't important. So, I was thinking of using the style above, but I'm concerned about readability. Does the below come across as one person's disjointed speech (which is an undesirable outcome in this case) or is it clear that the ellipsis symbolise answers that simply aren't reflected in text:

She started asking strange questions. "Who's the blonde girl... Does she carry a gun... Was she a police officer before this... I saw them changing out some locks. Who keeps the keys..."

I suppose the sentence that leads into the speech could end with a colon instead of a full-stop, which might help indicate what follows is a list. Alternatively, there might even be a line break there. Honestly, I'm not sure about any approach.

I'd like to make it work because there really is no space to have all these questions addressed individually. Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

[SimonDoom]

It's clear to me. I see no problem. I think most readers will pick up on exactly what you are doing here.

We're all familiar with this situation, having countless times listened to others having phone conversations when we could not hear the other side.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Yep. Clear to me, too.

 

[PennameWombat]

I assume the POV is a third person, NOT any of the people on the phone, right?

In which case, this is fine. I’m talking to my friend, Fergal, and suddenly his phone rings. He takes the call. I hear Fergal, but not the other person. As a reader, I’ll assume the phone call will somehow play out in the plot, maybe something I overheard will be key to something. Or, the phone call will interrupt our conversation leading to disaster… (if none of that, then why have the phone call?)

If the POV is of a person on the phone call, then IMHO you need a reason to hide half the call from us. If the answers aren’t important, why are we hearing the questions? Is the narrator simply ignoring the other person on the phone call? Zoning out? What? This is easier if the POV is the third person.

 

[ScrappyPaperDoodler]

I assume the POV is a third person, NOT any of the people on the phone, right?

In which case, this is fine. I’m talking to my friend, Fergal, and suddenly his phone rings. He takes the call. I hear Fergal, but not the other person. As a reader, I’ll assume the phone call will somehow play out in the plot, maybe something I overheard will be key to something. Or, the phone call will interrupt our conversation leading to disaster… (if none of that, then why have the phone call?)

If the POV is of a person on the phone call, then IMHO you need a reason to hide half the call from us. If the answers aren’t important, why are we hearing the questions? Is the narrator simply ignoring the other person on the phone call? Zoning out? What? This is easier if the POV is the third person.

So, the POV is not of anyone on the phone.

The purpose of having one side of the call only is to build intrigue and suspicion. I'm not competent enough to write a proper thriller, and that's not my aim (which a beta-reader really helped me clarify early on), so this may feel like a sledgehammer approach, but I think it will make the reader somewhat suspicious of the person's intentions behind asking the questions.

 

[TadOverdon]

I think your approach works fine, for the situation. And I personally like the period rather than a colon.

 

[ScrappyPaperDoodler]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the input and reassurance a lot!

 

[JaxRhapsody]

With phone calls, I've seen writers use the following pattern:

"Hello... Sorry, you've got the wrong number... No, this is not the bakery on third street... I'm certain... Okay... Goodbye."

I think that's great. Now, I have a conversation that's already quite packed. I want a character to ask a lot of the questions, but the answers aren't important. So, I was thinking of using the style above, but I'm concerned about readability. Does the below come across as one person's disjointed speech (which is an undesirable outcome in this case) or is it clear that the ellipsis symbolise answers that simply aren't reflected in text:

She started asking strange questions. "Who's the blonde girl... Does she carry a gun... Was she a police officer before this... I saw them changing out some locks. Who keeps the keys..."

I suppose the sentence that leads into the speech could end with a colon instead of a full-stop, which might help indicate what follows is a list. Alternatively, there might even be a line break there. Honestly, I'm not sure about any approach.

I'd like to make it work because there really is no space to have all these questions addressed individually. Any feedback would be appreciated.

I do it. It's easy, kinda lazy, and doesn't add any unimportant diatribe. I may write out a full phone convo if it's actually important to do so, otherwise I just- hold on, gotta take this. Yeah, whassup... nah... I don't have a fucking car, you dumbasses.