Dialog behind doors...

[nitengale]

Advice please...

I have two characters behind closed doors involved in a sexual picnic.

The person eavesdropping recognizes one of the voices.

How do I set up the dialog?

Here's the story (a piece)

Approaching the greenhouse slowly, Jared tried to make out the voices. Moving to the door, he was able to recognize Kara’s voice and the voice of what sounded like another female. He quietly listened before knocking on the door.

“Oh God, I love the way you lick my pussy. Oh yeah, nice and slow. Mmmmm.”
(this is the voice he knows)

“Want to feel some cock in your hot pussy, bitch? Beg for it. Come on, you know you want it. Beg!”

“Oh yeah, fuck me hard. I want you to fuck me so hard. Fuck my hot pussy.”

Jared listened intently, his cock growing and straining his jeans. He knew one of the voices was Kara’s, but could not identify the other voice. Looking at his watch, he had time to stay and listen. With his cock hard and straining to burst, he needed to hang for a few minutes anyway.

“Oh yeah baby, fuck me, that’s it, fuck me hard.”

“Turn around, and get on your knees bitch. Do it now.” The voice in command was harsh, demanding.

Leaning into the side of the greenhouse, and absorbing each word and moan Jared stroked his cock in an attempt to maintain the perfect rhythm towards his own climax. The girl’s words were vulgar, but each one pushed him closer to the edge.

“Ohhh, shit I am cummmming."

“Push your ass higher in the air, so we can fuck you harder. Do it now bitch.”

As Jared’s seed spewed out on to the wall of the greenhouse, his own orgasm was followed by his recognition of the word “we”. We? Who the hell was in there?

Thanks! (I hope what I provided is enough for someone to help me)

 

[cymbidia]

Good piece! http://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/otn/tongue/newtonguesmile.gif

But, what's your question? Is it how do you set up the dialogue *later* between Jared and Kara about this encounter Kara had that Jared listened to in secret?

 

[nitengale]

Good piece! http://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/otn/tongue/newtonguesmile.gif

But, what's your question? Is it how do you set up the dialogue *later* between Jared and Kara about this encounter Kara had that Jared listened to in secret?

My question is...do I identify the one voice he does know?

“Oh God, I love the way you lick my pussy. Oh yeah, nice and slow. Mmmmm," Kara moaned.

OR...

Let the dialog stand alone?

Soory I wasn't more clear. And thanks

 

[cymbidia]

[BMy question is...do I identify the one voice he does know?

“Oh God, I love the way you lick my pussy. Oh yeah, nice and slow. Mmmmm," Kara moaned.

OR...

Let the dialog stand alone?[/B]

Got'cha.
Maybe something along this avenue:

"Oh God, I love the way you lick my pussy. Oh yeah, nice and slow. Mmmmm."

Jared stilled, his cock stiff and hard in his hand. That was Kara moaning. He'd recognize her moan anywere.

--> Extra added advantage: This kinda tactic would avoid the whole ugly omnipotent POV.

 

[nitengale]

Thanks!!!

(now back to the writing tablet...)

 

[Whispersecret]

It seems to me you already have it set up. You certainly can use Kara's name to identify her speech, because Jared recognizes it.

I'm going to give you some comments and suggestions here and there in italics. Also, I'm going to comment on more than just the dialogue. I hope you don't mind.

These first two sentences are very similar in structure. You might want to shuffle one of them around.

Approaching the greenhouse slowly, Jared tried to make out the voices. Moving to the door, he was able to recognize Kara’s voice and the voice of what sounded like another female. He quietly listened before knocking on the door. This implies that he actually knocks on the door, which I don't think he does.

“Oh God, I love the way you lick my pussy. Oh yeah, nice and slow. Mmmmm.”
(this is the voice he knows)You could identify Kara here, so the reader knows she's the one being fucked.

Here, all of a sudden, the feeling changes. You start out with a nice and slow thing, but BANG, now all of a sudden it's BEG FOR IT, BITCH. Where did that come from? “Want to feel some cock in your hot pussy, bitch? Beg for it. Come on, you know you want it. Beg!” Here, I'd describe the other voice...rough, demanding, almost military in tone...something like that.

“Oh yeah, fuck me hard. I want you to fuck me so hard. Fuck my hot pussy.”

Jared listened intently, his cock growing and straining his jeans. He knew one of the voices was Kara’s, but could not identify the other voice. Looking at his watch, he had time to stay and listen. With his cock hard and straining to burst, he needed to hang for a few minutes anyway.

“Oh yeah baby, fuck me, that’s it, fuck me hard.”

You ALWAYS need to have a comma setting off a "name" from the rest of the words. You're missing the comma in the paragraph before this, and after.

“Turn around, and get on your knees bitch. Do it now.” The voice in command was harsh, demanding.

Leaning into the side of the greenhouse, and absorbing each word and moan Jared stroked his cock in an attempt to maintain the perfect rhythm towards his own climax. I'm just wondering why he can't see inside if it's a greenhouse... The girl’s (only one girl or both?) words were vulgar, but each one pushed him closer to the edge.

“Ohhh, shit I am cummmming." I don't think the multiple consonants are necessary.

“Push your ass higher in the air, so we can fuck you harder. Do it now bitch.”

As Jared’s seed spewed out on to the wall of the greenhouse, his own orgasm was followed by his recognition of the word “we”. We? Who the hell was in there?

I'd like to see some more of Jared's POV here before he comes. I'm missing a lot of what he's feeling as he listens to the words. I get almost no build-up to his climax here. It's like I thought, "Whoa! He came already?"
The only info I got about what he's feeling is where you talk about the words pushing him closer to the edge. That's it. I want more.

You can have him picture the action in his head and then you get a chance to describe the scene visually too.
Also, would he really be thinking that rationally (about the use of "we" so soon after his orgasm?


I hope this is helpful. I didn't really address the dialogue question that much.

 

[nitengale]

Thanks Whisper for your input! I value it greatly! This is just a rough draft, so I am hoping I would have come to those conclusions as well. Every bit of input helps

 

[Whispersecret]

My pleasure, Nitengale. You were a nice excuse not to write my own stuff this morning. So I can blame you when I don't make my page quota this week at my Critique Group meeting.

 

[nitengale]

My pleasure, Nitengale. You were a nice excuse not to write my own stuff this morning. So I can blame you when I don't make my page quota this week at my Critique Group meeting.

This is not the first time I have been referred to as a nice excuse.

Thanks again!