Desperately Seeking Feedback

[AsylumSeeker]

I have about 70 stories posted here, but there are readers who have not yet 'discovered' many of them.

I challenge readers to check out my new series Dark Desire. Chapter 1 is already available, Chapter 2 was submitted several days ago, Chapetr 3 will be posted mid-week of next week, with Chapter 4 following quickly.

I really think I have developed some interesting and selfish characters that will be great fun to explore.

I feel I'm a very good writer that will entertain and arouse. I challenge you to say otherwise.

Gauntlet thrown.

I especially challenge the more experienced Lit members.

 

[janiexx]

I have about 70 stories posted here, but there are readers who have not yet 'discovered' many of them.

I challenge readers to check out my new series Dark Desire. Chapter 1 is already available, Chapter 2 was submitted several days ago, Chapetr 3 will be posted mid-week of next week, with Chapter 4 following quickly.

I really think I have developed some interesting and selfish characters that will be great fun to explore.

I feel I'm a very good writer that will entertain and arouse. I challenge you to say otherwise.

Gauntlet thrown.

I especially challenge the more experienced Lit members.

Hi,

I read "It Stinks of Fish" a while back and thoroughly enjoyed it. For me it was very sexy.

I've been meaning to go and read more so I will read the latest and let you know what I think.

janiexx

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Thanks!

I know it would probably be better if I had offered a link, so I'll try one here(with fingers crossed, not sure how to do this).

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=278863

 

[AsylumSeeker]

I'm really excited, but that enthusiasm seems not to extend to the 'population' as we see it. I find it a shame, but so be it. Those who disregard are truly missing out. I can't blame the them. So many posts and promises...

 

[janiexx]

I'm really excited, but that enthusiasm seems not to extend to the 'population' as we see it. I find it a shame, but so be it. Those who disregard are truly missing out. I can't blame the them. So many posts and promises...

Hi,

I started reading Dark Desire yesterday but with the constant interruptions from my wee ones I had to stop. But it's bookmarked and I will finish tonight and let you know.

I enjoyed the piece I read, though

janiexx

 

[rachlou]

I saw this thread and I read the piece. I thought it was very hot and well written and i'm surprised it wasn't better received? I rated it a 5 anyway
I look forward to reading the rest soon.

 

[janiexx]

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=278863

Well, I read, voted and commented...

This deserves to do very well and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of this hot story.

janiexx

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Thanks for taking the time to read, vote, and/or comment. It's appreciated !!!

By the way, Ch. 2 has been pending for several days, and Ch. 3 is nearly finished.

 

[Darkniciad]

RVCd - apologies for not getting back to you quicker. Email expansion on the PC whipped off too.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Thanks All

As of this writing, on the top list for the cat, Dark Desire Ch 01 is #2 and Dark Desire Ch. 02 is #3. Many thanks to those who have taken the time to read, coment, and vote.

It may not remain so, but it's a brief thrill to me.

 

[Flashlight7.5]

Challenge accepted

You have more posts, and submissions, than I, but I'll accept your challenge.

I skimmed through "A Birthday Gift." "Skimmed" is the key word there, because I did not care about the characters. You gave the characters good internal conflicts (impotence for the husband, bored sex life for the wife), but I didn't connect with them.

There's a problem with your opening paragraph: "A middle-aged man nicely dressed in dark slacks and a white, short-sleeved button-up shirt walked arm in arm with a ravishing young blonde. She was wearing a short, sexy black skirt that revealed slender bronzed legs and a yellow pullover half-top that showed off her smooth stomach and gold belly ring."

Why should I keep reading? The guy seems to be living the high life. You need to start the story with conflict or some other immediate hook.

You'd be better off starting the story with the next sentence: ""Are you sure about this, Shannon?" Harold questioned uncertainly."

Raymond Chandler once said, "Come into a scene late and get out early." Kurt Vonnegut said it as, "Start as close to the end as possible." They both mean the same thing: Cut to the chase. Drop the reader into the middle of the action and let them catch up.

"Harold questioned uncertainly?" What's wrong with "Harold asked?" Nothing. By writing "Harold questioned uncertainly," you are literally writing that Harold questioned (another word for "interrogated") some vague person or concept named "uncertainly." Harold = subject, questioned = verb, uncertainly = subject.

Except, "uncertainly" is an adverb. It should read, "Harold uncertainly questioned," but even that is a clunky way of writing, "Harold asked" or "Harold said."

A similar problem happens in the next paragraph: ""He's highly recommended, and I was promised he has the highest quality girls in the city," his loving wife reassured him with a gentle squeeze of the hand. "It's my birthday gift to you, so relax and enjoy the evening.""

Whose hand?

A better way to write this would be: She reassured him with a gentle squeeze of her hand. "He's highly recommended...."

I know what you were trying to do, but the execution is flawed. Another way to fix it would be to put "she said" after "in the city," and then start a new sentence with "She reassured him...", followed by the second line of dialogue.

The flashback reveals how they met and fell in love, but I didn't care. You also set up the idea of the wife getting a call girl for the husband, but don't pay off. If you put a gun in a room in one scene, it better go off later or the reader will feel cheated.

The word "penis" doesn't belong in erotica much. "Cock" or "dick" work so much better and evoke more raw emotion.

I could go on, but it's late and I feel like I'm tearing you down too much already. You love to write, and that's great. The world needs more erotica writers. You just need to polish your stuff. If you want more specific advise, I'll give it.

I'll close with another quote from Vonnegut: "Every sentence must do one of two things: reveal character or advance the action."

All else must be cut.