Desperately need advice!!!

[kls82883]

O.K. Heres the deal. About a year ago, I broke up w/ my g/f of 5 years. We started dating when we were 16, throughout high school and 2 1/2 years of college. She cheated on me killing my self esteem. I haven't dated since and have confidence issues. Honestly, I'm scared of rejection. I know I'm attractive and have a very muscular body. She just really hurt me and I'm so scared of getting hurt or rejected again. It was one of the worst ordeals I've ever gone through. I thought I was over her but I still think about her everyday, and lately I've been dreaming about her. I desperately want to move on, but I can't seem to. I'm sure some of you have been through bad break ups and I need some advice or help or something...anything. Thanks

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Most people on this forum are going to tell you to seek consulling, which might not be a bad idea at all since you seem to be in an emotional state of depression and anxiety. I suggest checking out what is available in your area.

But really, I see that fear of rejection thing to be the wrong thing for you. Why are you afraid of rejection? She didn't reject you, she cheated on you. Those are two totally different things. So if your afraid of rejection, there isn't much anyone can do to change that because thats a battel inside you. You just got to get up and do it sometimes without thinking about it. Now for your fear of being cheated on again, well all I can say, its a risk when you get in a relationship. The best you can do is try and find someone who you think wont do that.

I always go by this...if you are afraid to be rejected, you are not ready to date. Its your body telling you, your not ready.


Ravin

 

[SweetErika]

O.K. Heres the deal. About a year ago, I broke up w/ my g/f of 5 years. We started dating when we were 16, throughout high school and 2 1/2 years of college. She cheated on me killing my self esteem. I haven't dated since and have confidence issues. Honestly, I'm scared of rejection. I know I'm attractive and have a very muscular body. She just really hurt me and I'm so scared of getting hurt or rejected again. It was one of the worst ordeals I've ever gone through. I thought I was over her but I still think about her everyday, and lately I've been dreaming about her. I desperately want to move on, but I can't seem to. I'm sure some of you have been through bad break ups and I need some advice or help or something...anything. Thanks

Ouch. I certainly feel for you, K. I think Ravin had some really good insights, and hope you see this post as a big step in the right direction.

I'm curious about some things (feel free to keep them private if you're uncomfortable answering them here):

-What do you think you're holding on to? Have you tried listing all of the things that are contributing to the feeling or belief that you "can't seem to" move on?

-Can you break rejection and confidence issues down into more specific fears/thoughts/beliefs (e.g. one might break down 'I'm afraid of rejection' into, 'I don't trust people' and 'I'm afraid of being alone: not having anyone to share things with.')? Is it possible some of those fears of beliefs aren't completely rational or are generalizations?

-I know the ending was horrible, but what POSITIVE things have you learned from the relationship, and even that ending? What might you do the same, and differently in the future?

-Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone and take some small (but maybe scary) steps toward healing and dating? [You might not be, and that's okay...the important thing is being really honest with yourself and making an effort, even if it's just mental at first]