Despair

[FungiUg]

How do you cope with it? When you reach the point where you say, “Fuck it all!” and just don’t care any more? Your hopes, dreams and fantasies may not have gone, but your ability to search for them, to chase them has dried up?

Is this where you make the choice of just going with what is, of accepting compromise? Even knowing that eventually it will fail? Or is there some purpose beyond sheer emotional masochism to living the dream?

 

[InnerDarkness]

If you find any answers, let me know...

I have reached a point recently where I just have no desire to pursue what I once could not live without.

I fear I have given up. Or perhaps closed off a part of me in a feeble way to protect myself from what I see is certain failure.

 

[MasterNico]

I think that comes the day you break out of the cindrella syndrome, that unrealistic belief that there will be a happy ending.

This is it. This is the whole ride, and you get just this one.


Don't give in to the despair, make the most of what you have, because unless you get extreemly lucky, it's all you get.











This is all just my opinion. IT, and a buck and a half MIGHT get you a cup of coffee

 

[Phoenix Stone]

ok, my 2cents. Sometimes it means you need a break, a vacation by the sea, something to regain perspective and refill your emotional tank.

Othertimes, it means you are depressed and need reminding that if you 'quit' now, you'll never see how it turns out. This takes a trip down memory lane, in which you imagine how amazed your 20 year old self would be at all you have tried and dared and done. Things have changed in the long run, haven't they?

Wow, everyone is having a contemplative Friday on the boards. The other thing it could mean is that the situation is beyond you, right now, that you've run out of ideas. But that doesn't mean the ideas aren't out there, just that Youve run out. someone else my know just what you can do to make it al work out. This one requires expanding your resources -- and having faith that the answer Could just possibly be out there.

The other thing is, about the Cinderella syndrome, hitting a certain age and realizing that YOU have to make it happen, and that it could take a long time. This is natural to get tired about. Looking up that mountain. So remind yourself that if you are on the right road, each step will have Some bit of enjoyment in it. (it would help to get more particulars about whatever is frustrating you. I get a sense it's relationship related but don't want to presume.)

Anyway, hugs. (Even if you are wearing that scary av.)

PS

 

[catalina_francisco]

Interesting topic. I have to say on top of normal depressive episodes, I am my own worst critic and judge and continually find fault with me and all I do....a perfectionist, Master calls it. I can accept just about any failing in anyone but me. So despair does hit heavy and hard when it comes, which is often. The two things which get me through are my inability to give in completely, though temporarily to gather strength is not unheard of.....and my firm belief there is a positive in every negative. It sounds simplistic, but isn't, and comes from my philosophy everything has it's reason for being/happening, even when we do not readily see it. I sometimes have to work harder than other times to find the positive, but I know it is there and is up to me to change my viewpoint if necessary to find it. It works, and also helps me grow and gain strength.

Catalina

 

[emme]

I made a deal with myself several years ago after after I almost lost a bout with depression. If I feel bad for 2 weeks I go on antidepressants.

When I have bad days. I get a good night sleep and think about Tom Hank's character from the movie Castaway. No matter what the sun will rise tomorrow and you never know what the tide will bring in.

 

[FungiUg]

Thanks for all of the various replies.

I did want to distinguish despair from depression. Yes, there is an inter-relationship, but the emotion I am currently dealing with is "where do I go from here?" Namely, I don't see a way forward to achieve what I want.

Depression (which I get), is different for me. Normally when I am depressed I know what I have to do, I just have no energy or no emotional fortitude to deal with it.

There's an element of "why do I bother? I put all of this energy into looking for a submissive, and in the end all I end up with is disappointment and hurt. I'd be safer just sticking to my fantasies and leaving it at that."

But there's also an element of "Okay... now what? What do I do now?" And it's that feeling of being lost that I am currently dealing with.

It's not that I am depressed or upset -- as it happens, I'm not really either of those. Instead I am in despair of ever acheving any lasting reality of D/s in my life beyond just talk.

Make sense? No... doesn't much for me either. But that's currently how I feel.

In the end, it just comes back to "why do I even bother?" Dogged determination only lasts for so long...

 

[InnerDarkness]

It's not that I am depressed or upset -- as it happens, I'm not really either of those. Instead I am in despair of ever acheving any lasting reality of D/s in my life beyond just talk.

Make sense? No... doesn't much for me either. But that's currently how I feel.

This makes PERFECT sense to me, and I could not have written it better myself. I, too, have struggled with issues of depression, and when it rears its ugly head...I know exactly what I need to do to get out from under it...and I am usually successful...

But this "thing" I am struggling with now is exactly what you wrote...I am in despair of ever acheving any lasting reality of D/s in my life beyond just talk.

I see what I want. What I thought I wanted. What I still want, but either can not admit it to myself, or can not accept it from myself right now. I sit and think about what I want, and I see nothing...just clouds...nothing lasting...nothing tangible to me...nothing AVAILABLE to me...so I despair...

I have given up. I have stopped trying. I don't even make excuses for it any more...

I wonder if it will pass, or if this is marking a change in me deeper than I realize...

Don't know...

 

[Netzach]

Been there.

I've always kind of prided myself on being easily amused, it's a good thing I guess.

I really despaired of ever finding the ideal D/s relationship....

and the further I got from it, and the sadder I got over it....

the more the shape of what I wanted got fuzzy and changed.

So that now, I have what I want.

And if you'd asked me three years ago if this was what I wanted I never would have said yes.

Despair is that darkest hour before I realize that being happy just being is really the most important thing, and leads to everything else.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think most of us have had these moments where it seemed that we were sailing a course leading straight to the end of the world, that what we wanted seemed so close and so far at the same time.

I remember periods in my time where I could not seem to find what I wanted or needed. At times I gave up to later come back to my quest, some days it seemed to me as if I was on a masochistic trip to misery and despair. Whatever I tried seemed to fail, whatever I tried or started was just not what I wanted, instead of enriching my life it was polluting it.

At times I have given up, tried living the vanilla life, and even tried convincing myself that it was all a dream, a sexual fantasy, something nice to fantasize about, read about but something that does not exist. At times I though of starting a relationship with whomever just so I could get my fix… I have been through dozens of girls/ women trying to find the right one.

I was not able to get the peace of mind I needed, my thirst could not be quenched and while I was looking desperately for answers I was just awakening my hunger and my needs without being able to feed them. It took for me a lot of luck, a good understanding mentor and help from lots of friends in the lifestyle and outside. There are no quick answers and no quick solutions, hang in there. At a certain moment you will see light at the end of the tunnel and I am sure you will find that what you desire.

Francisco.

 

[MissTaken]

I am not sure if what I was feeling was despair, but certainly I was discouraged and frustrated to find myself alone, at my age, wanting something badly and tired of trying and not finding the One for me.

What did I di?
I quit.
I quit looking.
I quit talking to people who responded to my personals.
I gave up.

I had play partners who were willing to spend time with me, but even then, I had no desire to "play."

I decided that for me, friendship and companionship were needs far greater than BDSM. I decided that with the right man, I could do without the BDSM.

So, I placed an ad on a vanilla site.
I met scooter and we began dating. In terms of friendship and companionship, he was it for me. Within a very short time, a few days, completely took myself out of the "market" and severed my friendships with my play partners.

Then, scooter and I began exploring fantasies. Slowly, our relationship has evolved into a BDSM relationship and I found what I was looking for even though I didn't know what it was. I was certainly looking in all the wrong places.

Sometimes, what we need appears when we stop looking and other times, it is right under our nose. I realize my situation is different in that I was single, but I wanted to offer my story as a bit of hope and some insight into my own personal battle with discouragement.

Many hugs, fungiug,
MissT

 

[redelicious]

Thanks for all of the various replies.

I did want to distinguish despair from depression. Yes, there is an inter-relationship, but the emotion I am currently dealing with is "where do I go from here?" Namely, I don't see a way forward to achieve what I want.

Depression (which I get), is different for me. Normally when I am depressed I know what I have to do, I just have no energy or no emotional fortitude to deal with it.

There's an element of "why do I bother? I put all of this energy into looking for a submissive, and in the end all I end up with is disappointment and hurt. I'd be safer just sticking to my fantasies and leaving it at that."

But there's also an element of "Okay... now what? What do I do now?" And it's that feeling of being lost that I am currently dealing with.

It's not that I am depressed or upset -- as it happens, I'm not really either of those. Instead I am in despair of ever acheving any lasting reality of D/s in my life beyond just talk.

Make sense? No... doesn't much for me either. But that's currently how I feel.

In the end, it just comes back to "why do I even bother?" Dogged determination only lasts for so long...

Ok, how about some trite advice?

In my case it's more like resignation then dispair (but then my situation is vastly different from yours).

The sun still comes up. I get a lot of joy out of those things that are important to me. Is this the life I ultamately want? Well, from a BDSM aspect it's not but in other respects I can't complain. So sometimes I have to remind myself that it will happen if/when the time is right. It's not right now so I don't worry about it.

Seems to me we've had a similar conversation before, but that the roles were reversed.

 

[FungiUg]

Thanks Red. Actually, our situations aren't so disimilar. (Well, there's that little minor issue of you being pregnant, which I can assure you I am not. But let's ignore that for the moment )

We are both in relationships that for one reason or another (you family, me love) that we wish to preserve. Our relationships are not contributing to our respective needs to be dominant or submissive. So there's a certain... lack.

As I'm sure all of you can tell (and many thanks for the discussion) I am suffering from a certain doom-focus at the moment. Still, there's a little something that several people mentioned, but I will quote MissTaken (because she's closer than Francisco when I scroll down.)

What did I di?
I quit.
I quit looking.
I quit talking to people who responded to my personals.
I gave up.

Well, aside from wondering if I should be "di-ing" rather than "do-ing" (who needs Satre when you have MissTaken?) I think that's the key. Because I have (now that I remember) been at exactly that point before in my life, and it's exactly what I did to get beyond it.

In fact... before I met my lover, that's precisely what I did. Oh, I was out in the dating scene, seeing (I confess, I'm a slut!) two, three or six women (okay, it was six, but who's counting?) because I have a high sex drive. I wasn't looking for romance, and I certainly didn't expect to find it. I had "given up." I was just out there enjoying life.

To quote the lovely NetZach:

Despair is that darkest hour before I realize that being happy just being is really the most important thing, and leads to everything else.

And that's what I did in the past. Of course, as it happens, I did meet someone who I formed a romantic relationship with (i.e. fell in love), and that's my lover. And no, four years ago I couldn't have imagined meeting her, or being in this type of relationship.

So I guess in this case, I need to do the same. Let go. Just enjoy what life does offer, and see what lies around the corner. Because life does have the ability to surprise me.

Harder to do (or di) than to say, I know. So don't be surprised if I put my hand up occasionally and ask for help (or to leave the room.)

Thanks all!

 

[Esclava]

Thank you, FungiUg!

I needed to hear that someone else was facing something very simlar to the despair I know is coming. I am at the point just before - when your inner voice becomes animated with ideas on how to fix what is "lacking" in the relationship.

I know what is lacking for me - but I find myself asking daily, "What do I do now? What can I change about my circumstances to help me achieve what I desire?"

Unfortunately, there may be nothing I can change and I'm not sure I'm ready to be a "slut" (didn't learn to play the casual, consensual sex games well in school).

So, I struggle. But in that struggle, I remember two things:
1. I must live today like tomorrow is not promised - because it is not; and

2. Love is the greatest gift I have to give. So, whether I'm loving my Master (or sub) through service (hegemony), loving my children out of caring (or duty), loving myself out of necessity (loneliness is NOT a virtue), or loving the world (at least everyone I come in contact with) because I want or need to - and doing all of this loving with an open heart, I will always be able to achieve the No. 1 objective above.

IMOHO, if you do those things that allow you to live with and love yourself in the here and now, the rest of your dreams/desires will find their way to you when you least expect it.

Take care and good luck,

Esclava

 

[SweetDommes]

How do you cope with it? When you reach the point where you say, “Fuck it all!” and just don’t care any more? Your hopes, dreams and fantasies may not have gone, but your ability to search for them, to chase them has dried up?

Is this where you make the choice of just going with what is, of accepting compromise? Even knowing that eventually it will fail? Or is there some purpose beyond sheer emotional masochism to living the dream?

I have given up a number of times, but Holly has pushed me to get past the idiots and keep looking for the right ones for us. Fortunately, we did find one, or I would probably stop letting her push me.

We get through day to day, some days better than others, and continue on our search. We do have each other (and now our boy) to keep each other going, and we know that's a great advantage to us, but we still have the dispair moments, where nothing it working ... nothing at all ... and why don't we just say to hell with it and give up entirely. We just have to get through them and keep looking towards what little light we can see.