Depression. Anxiety. Panic Attacks. etc

[Quoll]

I onced asked a counsellor if it was "normal" to still be worried about things that happened years ago. She just smiled and said "That's what you do."
I figured as much and I do try to resolve them, some of the things from years ago, I haven't exactly let them go, but I have put them in a place of less importance, they still nag at me but I can live with that.

Now if I could resolve the recent things I can't let go of, *sigh* that would be so nice. I've tried, all it would take is to put a few words on paper to explain my feelings, doesn't sound that hard, so why do I go over and over it in my mind, but when it comes to the crunch I just freeze up. Damn it I should have become a hermit, it would be so much easier.

 

[bobsgirl]

I onced asked a counsellor if it was "normal" to still be worried about things that happened years ago. She just smiled and said "That's what you do."
I figured as much and I do try to resolve them, some of the things from years ago, I haven't exactly let them go, but I have put them in a place of less importance, they still nag at me but I can live with that.

Now if I could resolve the recent things I can't let go of, *sigh* that would be so nice. I've tried, all it would take is to put a few words on paper to explain my feelings, doesn't sound that hard, so why do I go over and over it in my mind, but when it comes to the crunch I just freeze up. Damn it I should have become a hermit, it would be so much easier.

You have too big a heart and too loving a spirit to be a hermit.

I wish there was something I could do.

 

[Quoll]

You have too big a heart and too loving a spirit to be a hermit.

I wish there was something I could do.

It's ok, stupid thing is my inaction only compounds the issue, makes me appear as if I don't give a damn when instead it's in my mind every day.

 

[wicked woman]

I wish I had not deleted the post I made immediately above me.

How do you learn how to care about yourself?

Well you asked....

Realize that you are worth taking care of.

Determine what you need.

Determine which of those needs aren't being met.

Determine how to get those needs met.

For those you can't get...find a way to be happy without it.

Realize you don't need to do it all by yourself...it's ok to ask for help.

Do a 'what feeds my soul'...'the little things that count' list and believe it...

oh and gather all the hugs that are offered/you can get at the wedding this weekend...enjoy hon.

(((bg)))

 

[scotgray]

feeling blue

I want to rant. Everyone feels bad. Blah blah blah. I do too. I exist in a loveless marriage where my wife sets me up in situations to turn the kids against me. I'm retired from the military and my body is fucked up. The only part that works hasn't been used since George W's first term. I filed for VA disability and was told that I would get 80-100%. Woo-hoo. I post threads/PM people and end up feeling like a tool. I contemplate suicide constantly but I work 20-25 hours a day. I never have time. I always kid myself by setting a deadline...the next time I get laid. LMAO! I tried re-enlisting but they said I was too damaged. I tried for a security firm in Iraq. They said, "Hell yeh!". I was offered 100K plus bonus. Then I took a physical. Mmmmm, I passed the piss test but that's about it. I need 2 knee replacements, 2 hip replacements, I have a slipped disc, a 20 some-odd% curvature of my spine. I have really bad dreams and some PTSD. No major dysfunctions from PTSD but I can be a real asshole sometimes. I'm usually unaware though. I have ADHD, apparently since birth, and, whoops, the Army aggravated that condition. You think? I have great meds though, Adderal 30mg 2x day. I constantly feel depressed, usually for the same reasons.

1. Bad initial experiences in Grenada. I did 'well' but lost my best friend.
2. Panama sucked.
3. Desert Shield was stressful. Desert Storm action-packed for a day or so, largely anti-climactic.
4. Haiti/Kosovo/Timor: places of fruitless ambition. You want to help, observe human devastation, and feel (largely) powerless.
5. Somalia: see #4, et al.
6. GWOT, more of the same with more devastation, too many friends dead or fucked up, and a little bit of anger.

I don't, however, have any unusual anger problems. No road rage. I don't hit people. I don't verbally/mentally abuse others. I suppose if I was really provoked, I might be inappropriate. For example, if someone fucked with my family/friends and if I felt, like now, irritated at the hand I've been dealt since I got out. I might react somewhat inappropriately.

Most of my ire, lately, stems from the irreversible dysfunction that lies between my spouse and I. We both want a divorce. She doesn't pursue it because of financial reasons. She makes 2x my salary and we have some debt. I have no where to go. I don't want to leave the SSDD for an empty apartment/house. I feel lonely enough as a married guy. Jesus, being all by myself would really suck! I want to find a friend, not a fuck buddy-although I won't damage your self esteem if you indicate you want that. I want a confidant that I can meet for coffee, a movie, pool, walk on the beach...whatever. It seems most women I encounter have a real problem with my marital state. Even if I tell them the whole situation, I still hear "You're married". I, on one level, understand this. I could easily be a bullshit artist trying to cheat on my wife. I would, however, introduce you to friends I have had for decades, and if necessary my mother, who would assert that I am not lying.

I'm not asking for advice here. If anyone reads this post, and you can't help it unless you go to the next page (It's like watching a train wreck), and wants to meet me for coffee to talk, maybe you want a new friend, whatever...PM me. I'm done now. I have to go wash the dishes, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, cook supper, and probably drink lots of wine. This wouldn't be so bad if I was in a D/s relationship, but I'm not. I'm just trying to go along to get along.

On a brighter note, my dog loves me.

I live in Hampton NH, a 1/2 mile from the beach. I work on the seacoast. I'm interested in meeting anyone: guys to hang out with/play pool etc, girls for the same reason,, and couples as well that take pity on me. LOL. I'm not a troll looking for sex, not that I would turn down much.

On that subject, since this is Literotica, I've always been a great partner who was responsive to the other's needs. I said 'was' because I haven't been really all that intimate with anyone for 3 years or so. I'm on an allowance here, 2-3X year, whenever she feels horny/drunk. Then I get a condescending critique, usually hinging about my stamina. Now, I really think that if I used it more than 3x year, I might not be so eager. Really, though, who cares. I'm now at the point where masturbation is preferable. I need a Cialis for my wife but nothing for my hand. My imagination is great. At one time I was a skillful and imaginative lover who experienced a wide and varied fantasy life. I know read Literotica every night. Often, the Erotic Couplings/Romance stories with multiple chapters make me sigh with longing or make me cry.

Well, I'm out of here for now. (Cyber for know) Enjoy me for a glass of Isoceles and have a great night.

 

[Quoll]

I'm not asking for advice here.

Well if I may offer some...




ok I'm kidding, this thread is for you to use as you wish, vent, rant, ask, give or just read, so welcome aboard.
Pity you couldn't come to some agreement with your wife about seeing someone outside the relationship. (Not advice, just wishing out loud).

 

[scotgray]

thanks for answering

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my rant. When you say wishing aloud, doe this indicate that you are female? We can have a platonic cup of coffee sometime if you wish. My position of inertia can't last forever. Let's at least PM each other. Well, thanks anyway.

 

[Quoll]

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my rant. When you say wishing aloud, doe this indicate that you are female? We can have a platonic cup of coffee sometime if you wish. My position of inertia can't last forever. Let's at least PM each other. Well, thanks anyway.

Sorry, male, other side of the globe, I posed it that way so I wasn't giving advice. (My humour is a little off centre). No luck in the personals?

 

[Fflow]

Meaning and Value

As was said earlier, you made it clear that you weren't looking for advice. Still, here's some: The best way I know to find meaning and value in one's life is through service. Your physical disabilities do not prevent you from volunteering at the local senior center, reading to kids, or volunteering at the nearest VA Hospital. By doing so, you will be a real blessing to those you serve, and instill in yourself an understanding that, outside of your circumstances, you are still an important and valuable part of the tapestry of life.

Also, you might just meet some like-minded people along the way.

Peace.

And thank you for serving your country.

srw

 

[Nightbird]

I don't usually have panic attacks.. This is new for me.. I need to relax..

 

[Quoll]

I don't usually have panic attacks.. This is new for me.. I need to relax..

Sucks when they come out of the blue. Do you have any unresolved problems? Just guessing and going on personal experience, I have a large problem that I have been procrastinating (avoiding, it's what I do when things get hard) about for a month or more, it's something I will have to deal with or it will be with me forever. Right now my anxiety levels are pretty high, I had to walk out of the hardware shop yesterday couldn't get home quick enough. I'm still procrastinating though.

 

[tbs230]

I want to cry...I've had nothing good to say about anything in weeks...why isn't there a smiley to show pain?

 

[Nightbird]

I am exactly like this..

I have a very major decision to make very very quickly and it's scaring the piss out of me. If I could I would just procrastinate it away as well..

Pretend everything was normal and it would just go away.

Sucks when they come out of the blue. Do you have any unresolved problems? Just guessing and going on personal experience, I have a large problem that I have been procrastinating (avoiding, it's what I do when things get hard) about for a month or more, it's something I will have to deal with or it will be with me forever. Right now my anxiety levels are pretty high, I had to walk out of the hardware shop yesterday couldn't get home quick enough. I'm still procrastinating though.

 

[Ibsen]

I was about to write that I seem to show same mentally symptoms as war veterans, but after reading Scotgrays post, I think I wont.

I mean, I dont have problems to speak of really. I live at my own (allthough in the same apartment-building as my father, but we rearly talk. Not that we arent friends, but still), I have a drivers license (whohoo), I study at a quite well-renowned university in a subiect that intrests me... I really have no reason to feel bad.

Allthough I sometimes feel like a shuttle, traveling back and forth sometimes up to 100 swedish miles a week (one sw. mile: 10 km), I want to stop studying and join the real world sometime really soon (the only life I know of is to be at school, and I´m sick of it). And not to say that I feel mentally castrated by my all-so-loving-familly, I am stiffer then a piece of ice in my shoulders and neck. And I am quite worried that I constantly seems to loose weight.
But the worst thing is that I feel like I´m on an desserted island. I´ve tried to talk to people, but they doesnt seem to care. What am I supposed to do? Say that I wat to jump infront of a train instead of entering it? The thought have crossed my mind to do that a coupple of times, but I never really mean it. But the problem remains, I have almost no contact with my class, I am 100 km from the rest of my class when I am in my apartment, I have no gf and I grow more tired and cynical every day. I´m thinking of quit school and take a job, but I really dont want to work where I live now, wich everyone else expect me to do.

And the modern civilization just makes me laught. If it is civilized to eat half-fabricated food packed a months earlier I am proud to call me uncivilized.

I obiusly need to talk to someone, but as always just wave my problems of as something temporarly, it is kinda hard...

*edit*
I am thinking of studying to be an archeologisk, but as I know by fact that the unemployment rate for archeologists are extremly high (I´ve read stories about archeologists that works as ticket-guards in subway station. And a classmate of mine know an archeologist that have got one job in the past 5 year), so I am thinking both twice and trice about it.

 

[Quoll]

There is a ot of valuable information in here, so to make it easier to find I've slowly been going through the thread and putting some links in the first post.

 

[naamplao]

I onced asked a counsellor if it was "normal" to still be worried about things that happened years ago. She just smiled and said "That's what you do."
I figured as much and I do try to resolve them, some of the things from years ago, I haven't exactly let them go, but I have put them in a place of less importance, they still nag at me but I can live with that.

Now if I could resolve the recent things I can't let go of, *sigh* that would be so nice. I've tried, all it would take is to put a few words on paper to explain my feelings, doesn't sound that hard, so why do I go over and over it in my mind, but when it comes to the crunch I just freeze up. Damn it I should have become a hermit, it would be so much easier.

I had a bout of depression many many years back as a young adult. I'd go weeks with a different crisis in my head. I would argue with myself , scoring point and counter-point for hours, usually ending up at the beginning again...circular agruments suck.

What worked for me was writing.

I kept a diary and discovered that when I wrote down my thoughts they actually left my head, for a time anyway. I still have that diary...I don't need it now, but I still have it. Somedays I think I should get rid of it but I cannot bring myself to do it. This then spawned an interest in writing poetry for the same reason.

Writing helps, IMHO

 

[Fflow]

Ibsen,

Have you thought about moving closer to your school?

xoxo

srw

 

[Ibsen]

Ibsen,

Have you thought about moving closer to your school?

xoxo

srw

You know, I dont think there isnt anyone who havent asked me that question, and the same answer is, yes, I have. But as I do not know what to do with my soon 60 ECTS-credits of history nor what I want to study to, I fin it a bit stupid to move there now, with only a coupple more months of this course.

I am phoning around trying to get some info if I as an civilian can be EOD-trained, but as it looks as now, it seems quite hard to. The resque department apparently have classes that reads with the corps d´engineers, wich I´ve been told have a good reputation in those circles. I am also waiting for answers from the defense department about my aplication to the UN peace-keeping forces I sent in a few months ago. Its all staff-positions, as I wasnt seemed fit enough at the conscription-office in my region (mostly becouse of my eyesight and that I was stupid enough to write that I had psoriasis (wich I honestly, doesnt seem to have. I have/had some, but it was far, far from any ugly things). If I get in, my student dept are history (no fun intended, as I´m reading the subiect), and I get 7 months of work (1 onth training, 6 months out in the... wherever I get. They cant place me where they want to, but I have applied for specific missions).

It feels alot better then high school though. Wich might not surprise anyone...

 

[subgrl18]

i agree

 

[MercyMia]

I had a bout of depression many many years back as a young adult. I'd go weeks with a different crisis in my head. I would argue with myself , scoring point and counter-point for hours, usually ending up at the beginning again...circular agruments suck.

What worked for me was writing.

I kept a diary and discovered that when I wrote down my thoughts they actually left my head, for a time anyway. I still have that diary...I don't need it now, but I still have it. Somedays I think I should get rid of it but I cannot bring myself to do it. This then spawned an interest in writing poetry for the same reason.

Writing helps, IMHO

Hi naamplao,

That's interesting that writing helped you break out of that circular depressed thinking cycle. I've read somewhere that when you are trying to work something out, it's good to write things down so that you get them out of your head, committed to paper, so you can get back to it and not carry it around in your thoughts all the time.

A friend suggested something similar when I told her I had insomnia because I was thinking about so many things. She said to write the items down on a big sheet of paper and leave that sheet on the bathroom mirror. That way, I could face everything in the morning and relax for the night.

to subgrl18--nice to hear from you.

 

[naamplao]

Hi naamplao,

That's interesting that writing helped you break out of that circular depressed thinking cycle. I've read somewhere that when you are trying to work something out, it's good to write things down so that you get them out of your head, committed to paper, so you can get back to it and not carry it around in your thoughts all the time.

Hi MM

Yeah, I found this out by accident. I never kept a religious daily diary, rather it was just when I felt the need. I used to call it a "Blues" diary since I only wrote in it when I was extremely happy or sad. If life was "normal" I didn't feel the need to write after a while.

Writing poetry helps too. I suppose by writing it helps you analyze what is going on in your head. Just thinking about it created these horrible circular arguments that went on without end.

I'll bore you with a darker poem I wrote. It is not a faithful reproduction of what I was going through 35 years ago, rather it is just loosely based on some events in my life. I think it is a blues song actually...I have the melody in my head but I'm musically challenged, though I like to sing

Blue Ramblings

People are so pushy,
try tell me what to do,
my soul just feels so scuffed up
like a worn discarded shoe,
I’ve got troubles...
pain, a worried mind
and I wander in self pity,
with sight that’s less than blind.

No one knows my problems,
what’s wrong inside of me,
hardly know myself
just living in misery,
want to be alone...
no one around,
somewhere I can hide,
and never be found.

Went down to the river,
to see what I could see,
those waves were curling fingers,
like they were calling me
down to the depths...
a void, so dark and deep,
where I could find peace,
in a long drawn endless sleep.

Looked into the water,
heard promises that were told,
how she would envelop my body,
protect me in her fold
and give me comfort...
yeah, that’s what I need.
Keep me from my doubts,
in those soft words she would feed.

Seemed like in a trance,
put my foot off of the shore,
those fingers grasped my body,
like she was wanting more
pulling me in ...
to her icy womb,
water creeping higher,
leading me onto my doom.

Head now reaching water,
fingers slapping at my face,
those cold and bony fingers,
I tore from that embrace
from that devil woman....
crawled back to the shore,
stared down at that river,
at a cold hearted whore.

Out of my life, heartless woman,
you feed on nothing but pain,
that goes for your sisters too,
juice, smack and mary jane
give me release...
to be free at last,
start my life over,
burying all of that’s past.

copywrite by Naamplao

 

[Dyke_Writer]

Woohoo. I feel like Im home.

I was diagnosed agoraphobic 6 years ago..... and since then every apparent 'professional' has avoided my like the plague, Im easier to ignore when I cant go hammering on their doors.
Panic attacks/anxiety are like part of my daily life now, I dont even remember what its like to not have them.

Despite having received treatment for depression in my late teens, this surprisingly hasn't thrown me into a serious spiral of the blues.

Currently meds free due to not being able to get anyone to come and see me to give me meds even if I wanted them, which I dont unless I have absolutely no other option. Having hynosis tho, dont think Im taking to it too well, all I could think while the woman was trying to put me under was; "You have the perfect voice for phone sex" so rather than trying to sort my issues, I was just plain horny, not really useful in that situation.

I think Im a little odd.... when I am depressed or on anti-D's, I may not always be in the mood for sex but that doesn't stop me, I tend to want really rough almost vicious sex and if Im not in pain and screaming then its just not good enough, then again, I like my sex hard and rough at the best of times.

I've tried almost everything to get me out and about again and after 'breaking' a brand new BMW then I figured that forcing myself just wasnt going to work.... everytime i go anywhere now, its a spontaneous 'get up and go' rather than a planned trip, i cant do planning or I get so worked up that I can have panic attacks lasting hours. Its a slow process and I think everyone has their own ways of dealing with them!

I didnt really have much of a point, just adding my lil bit!

 

[Fflow]

Dyke Writer, you were cracking me up! Especially the comment, "I think Im a little odd." I know several women who, while on anti-d drugs, could not reach orgasm. Maybe your need for extreme, rough, sex is an effort to overcome this side effect (not withstanding your natural predilictions).

As for your challenges related to being outside, that's a tough one. It seems to me that someone, somewhere, must specialize in this as it isn't unknown. Also, I know this is rather obvious but, before dismissing hypnotherapy completely, you might try finding a male practitioner.

I don't know if I suffer from full-on depression, but I do have some sort of bio-chemical/psycological issue related to disorder in my personal living spaces. This is something that runs in my family. My Aunt's apartment was filled, from floor to ceiling, with 'stuff.' She also had rented garages to store even more 'stuff.' My mom collected stuff too, but seemed to keep her living space relatively uncluttered. Both my older brother and I are plagued with living spaces that are out of control. I'm married, so I have a supportive wife who helps me to keep our common spaces livable. My brother isn't married, and had to hire people to dig him out. I've found that if I focus on one small area, I can push through and get it clean. Even if I succeed, however, in clearing out my space it seems to creep back.

Anyway, this is perhaps the most interesting thread in this whole place.

Peace.

srw

 

[Fflow]

Writing/Journaling

While writing and/or journaling can be a really positive tool, I had a rather negative experience with it. I found myself becomming obsessed with capturing every fleeting thought and feeling. Instead of experiencing and releasing things, I was edifizing (?) them, holding onto them, and suffering all the more for it.

I actually gave up journaling for more than a year and, in that time, developed more healthy and successful coping meathods.

I'm not suggesting that this will be true for anyone else, but thought I'd share my experience.

Peace.

 

[Dyke_Writer]

Dyke Writer, you were cracking me up! Especially the comment, "I think Im a little odd." I know several women who, while on anti-d drugs, could not reach orgasm. Maybe your need for extreme, rough, sex is an effort to overcome this side effect (not withstanding your natural predilictions).

As for your challenges related to being outside, that's a tough one. It seems to me that someone, somewhere, must specialize in this as it isn't unknown. Also, I know this is rather obvious but, before dismissing hypnotherapy completely, you might try finding a male practitioner.

srw

The orgasm wasnt so much the issue, I mean they were there but just not as powerful as before. I think it was just a mad bid to actually really feel something to know I was still alive.... some people turn to cutting themselves, drugs, drinking, I wantto be fucked six ways from sunday to it hurts too much to carry on but to carry on regardless.
Im so glad Im not depressed... theres only so much bruising a pussy will put up with! hehe.

I think there are tons of people who specilize in agoraphobia.... most of them seem to be in California though, which, given that Im in the UK, is still a little beyond my capabilities at the moment. I havent given up on hynosis, and I agree, maybe a fella will be less likely to turn me into a sex crazed loon who, instead of doing her homework like I was meant to after the session had to go and have a nice long lie down! lol

I did try keeping ajournal but all the days are pretty much the same so it was all rather depressing, I mean, how many times can you write;

'Woke up late, bathed, ate, had tea, watched some tv, tried going out, had a panic attack and passed out, dragged myself back home, bathed, ate, went to bed.'

before it pushes you over the edge?

I do have various forums/blogs where I lurk and post my achievements so the good stuff is documented, just the tedious hours of effort and trying get forgotten and the best bits are maintained to give me hope, even a few bloopers are in there so that I can always remind myself that even when it goes very wrong, I still tried and have done so much without any help! I mean, i got from not leaving my room, to walking the dog alone all by myself so obviously Im doing something right.