stickNberries
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 1, 2007
- Posts
- 162
it is so nice and i think very appropriate for this thread to have been started here.
i have been given a major depression diagnosis as of not more than 6 years ago now.
and though i have been dealing with associated symptoms for as far back as high school, it had been so without any real awareness.
as most of those of us with depression do, i learned to cope in various and standard ways to include self soothing with alcohol and getting lost in fantastical ideation within the arts/music, film, literature ect. yet when these things abstractions would no longer suffice after a time, i would habitually turn to what i erroneously perceived as a concrete means of obtaining relief, sex.
i would attend to this in both safe and unsafe ways to include of course masturbation.
this in time led to seeking others for mutual masturbation via phone sex, and ultimately repeated casual encounters with a chosen stranger when the opportunity presented.
over time however, i began to experience growing feelings of distaste and acute aversion for what i thought to be the women i would engage with under these circumstances.
it reached the point to which i would immediately wish for them to leave me alone once i had reached climax during sex.
it felt quite literally as if i had flipped a switch inside myself that would instantly cut off any feeling/interest i had had in engaging with a woman whom just seconds ago i could not seem to get close enough to.
it was a horrible emotional experience for me in that it was increadibly alien to my natural inclination to care for and appreciate a woman gracious enough to share of themselves on this level, and while i would not overtly express the feelings that i was having, there is no question that they very often felt my internal discord intuitively.
as i began my attempts at self analysis i began by making the obligatory mistake of blaming my partners for my feelings of acute aversion. then, overtime came the next best wrong conclusion that i was attempting to sate my desire for emotional intimacy with physical contact, which under such circumstances could only ever be artificially realized.
after some number of years of worsening symptoms, and series of consiqently failed relationships.
i experienced the eminent breakdown and entered into mental health care treatment after i'd attempted to suicide.
folowing this event and up to the present time, i came to the understanding that what i'd been in search of was never to be found in the bed, the arms, or even the heart of another human being.
it was instead the love and graciousness that i had not known that i desperatly needed to be able to afford myself and whether or not i thought that i could, or was even worthy of.
the bottom line was that i just had to learn to do it anyway.
today, while i continue to be challenged with my depression monster i am greatly improved at managing it since becoming educated and objective about what it is for me.
i am fully conscious in the knowing/believing that it does not have to be something that i am at the mercy of. i will go as far as to say that my depression does not show mercy of it's own accord, and that it is an insidious and highly customized manifestation of self loathing, one that is ever exclusive.
i have learned that i do have the choice to to show myself mercy in spite of how i crappy i may feel from day to day. do i always make the right choice? no. do i always fight off my symptoms? no. do i always believe that i will feel better? no. do i ever believe that some day i maybe free of my depression monster? no. do i ever truly give up hope? not anymore.
i have been given a major depression diagnosis as of not more than 6 years ago now.
and though i have been dealing with associated symptoms for as far back as high school, it had been so without any real awareness.
as most of those of us with depression do, i learned to cope in various and standard ways to include self soothing with alcohol and getting lost in fantastical ideation within the arts/music, film, literature ect. yet when these things abstractions would no longer suffice after a time, i would habitually turn to what i erroneously perceived as a concrete means of obtaining relief, sex.
i would attend to this in both safe and unsafe ways to include of course masturbation.
this in time led to seeking others for mutual masturbation via phone sex, and ultimately repeated casual encounters with a chosen stranger when the opportunity presented.
over time however, i began to experience growing feelings of distaste and acute aversion for what i thought to be the women i would engage with under these circumstances.
it reached the point to which i would immediately wish for them to leave me alone once i had reached climax during sex.
it felt quite literally as if i had flipped a switch inside myself that would instantly cut off any feeling/interest i had had in engaging with a woman whom just seconds ago i could not seem to get close enough to.
it was a horrible emotional experience for me in that it was increadibly alien to my natural inclination to care for and appreciate a woman gracious enough to share of themselves on this level, and while i would not overtly express the feelings that i was having, there is no question that they very often felt my internal discord intuitively.
as i began my attempts at self analysis i began by making the obligatory mistake of blaming my partners for my feelings of acute aversion. then, overtime came the next best wrong conclusion that i was attempting to sate my desire for emotional intimacy with physical contact, which under such circumstances could only ever be artificially realized.
after some number of years of worsening symptoms, and series of consiqently failed relationships.
i experienced the eminent breakdown and entered into mental health care treatment after i'd attempted to suicide.
folowing this event and up to the present time, i came to the understanding that what i'd been in search of was never to be found in the bed, the arms, or even the heart of another human being.
it was instead the love and graciousness that i had not known that i desperatly needed to be able to afford myself and whether or not i thought that i could, or was even worthy of.
the bottom line was that i just had to learn to do it anyway.
today, while i continue to be challenged with my depression monster i am greatly improved at managing it since becoming educated and objective about what it is for me.
i am fully conscious in the knowing/believing that it does not have to be something that i am at the mercy of. i will go as far as to say that my depression does not show mercy of it's own accord, and that it is an insidious and highly customized manifestation of self loathing, one that is ever exclusive.
i have learned that i do have the choice to to show myself mercy in spite of how i crappy i may feel from day to day. do i always make the right choice? no. do i always fight off my symptoms? no. do i always believe that i will feel better? no. do i ever believe that some day i maybe free of my depression monster? no. do i ever truly give up hope? not anymore.
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