Delving into D/s – Identifying a Fake Dom!

[Incandescent_Marigold]

I am a forty something female with lustrous sparkle and shine! I am warm, sincere, full of life, kind, and embodied with passion and wonder. I have been seeking to learn more about D/s from a caring Dominant who wants to educate and nourish someone's mind and body online. Sadly, for me, I have met many individuals on here who think D/s means hurting someone, bossing them around, or just being cold or manipulative. I don't seek a sadist, just someone who honestly wants to nurture and help someone grow. If you're looking to cast blame, be hurtful, be degrading, and basically, be a cold-hearted person, don't respond.

• Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I’ve given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.

1. I need to know You accept me for all I am

• I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.

2. I need to have clearly defined limits

• I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.
• 3. I need You to be consistent
  • I need to know You mean what You say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience, but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.
  • 3. I need to expand my limits
  • I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.
• 4. I need You to teach me
  • I need to learn, and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
• I know my worth and I'm not here to be belittled or treated poorly. If you want to grow with me, or just message me, I would LOVE to hear from YOU!!!

 

[InCNCestBangPie]

Seriously, I don't know you, but I'm so very proud of you.
I'm so happy that you know your worth and recognize that being an asshole is not the same as being a Dom.
I sincerely hope you find who you're looking for, but I hope your expectations are greatly exceeded. I hope you get responses from multiple guys who would love nothing more than to respect your boundaries and move at a pace that is comfortable for you.

Please keep being the beautiful, illustrious diamond that you are.
*Note: I know you will because being amazing is in your DNA .

 

[Incandescent_Marigold]

Thank you!!!! This made my evening, and I genuinely appreciate your kind post!!!

 

[BSwett060]

I am a forty something female with lustrous sparkle and shine! I am warm, sincere, full of life, kind, and embodied with passion and wonder. I have been seeking to learn more about D/s from a caring Dominant who wants to educate and nourish someone's mind and body online. Sadly, for me, I have met many individuals on here who think D/s means hurting someone, bossing them around, or just being cold or manipulative. I don't seek a sadist, just someone who honestly wants to nurture and help someone grow. If you're looking to cast blame, be hurtful, be degrading, and basically, be a cold-hearted person, don't respond.

• Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I’ve given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.

1. I need to know You accept me for all I am

• I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.

2. I need to have clearly defined limits

• I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.
• 3. I need You to be consistent
  • I need to know You mean what You say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience, but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.
  • 3. I need to expand my limits
  • I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.
• 4. I need You to teach me
  • I need to learn, and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
• I know my worth and I'm not here to be belittled or treated poorly. If you want to grow with me, or just message me, I would LOVE to hear from YOU!!!

Beautifully stated. I wish you the very best in your search. Someone will be blessed to have you.

 

[PinkHairNoMore]

Girl power note : Consent is earn. Consent is revocable. You have the RIGHT to say no. At any given times.

It is truly beautiful to see how well you know yourself!

Hold on thight to this mindset of selfworth and don't give in to well-worded individuals. Also keep an open mind, cause if this lifestyle is made for you, you might get to a place where you will enjoy some loving degradation.

With love, Pinkie x

 

[Incandescent_Marigold]

This has been a very interesting journey for me! I have learned the up and down side of trying to find what you seek! I have met some truly amazing people, but on the flip side, there are some manipulative people on here who like to play games with people by teasing them sexually and leaving! That’s not dominance, that’s just disrespect for your partner! Don’t start something you can’t finish! Some people need to stop viewing lit as their personal playground and act accordingly! When someone points out you are treating them poorly, don’t further ignore their feelings or requests to communicate! Dominance is a wonderful thing but submission is a beautiful gift and for those who don’t cherish it and just want to role play stories, seek out people who also want that!

Here’s what I want in a Dom:

• 1. He exhibits self-control and self-discipline.
• 2. He knows (and uses) the power of body language.
• 3. He knows he’s a work in progress, and he does the work.
• 4. He doesn’t waste time or energy complaining.
• 5. He knows what he wants.
• 6. He’s patient but relentless.
• 7. He leads by example.
• 8. He takes risks.
• 9. He knows when (and how) to say no.
• 10. He speaks with clarity, confidence, and calm.
• 11. He has zero tolerance for bullies.

 

[_EyesOnYou_]

She has a glowing personality, and though we may not match, any dom would be lucky to have her.

 

[Incandescent_Marigold]

Thank you! You are pretty fabulous yourself!!

 

[Incandescent_Marigold]

As I think of new things each day, I add them. I am seeking a person between the ages of 25-66 years old! I desire a DOM who is experienced, but has enough patience to want to teach me more about this lifestyle. I am wanting to explore new sides of myself. I’m a very fun, outgoing, energetic person who will always keep you on your toes. I am quite a bit sassy, but I don’t define myself as only that. I do want to get to know you first and develop a friendship before jumping into anything fast as I must TRUST you! (Trust is so important) If you are wanting to explore this together then please feel free to shoot me a message. I can be a bit shy and reserved at first, but then I’ll open up so be patient. ️

 

[Incandescent_Marigold]

How then does love and affection work for me in bdsm? Love and affection is an integral part of the relationship for me! Whether it be my service, sex play, or anything we DO. I will love him and do the things we've agreed on because love and affection is an essential part of the relationship for me. I don't think I could do what I do without the affection and passion!

• Love and affection makes serving him easier, more worthwhile and pleasurable.
• Love and affection means I'm more personally invested in our time together and want it to work, grow and thrive - I'll strive to be the best partner, no matter what.
• Love and affection keeps me grounded in reality more often than fantasy, even when fantasy is the evening’s delight!
• Love and affection makes my relationship stronger and more resilient.
• Love and affection helps me work through issues and conflicts where a non-romantic relationship could mean a change in the relationship as a whole.

If you want to see me shine, these aspects must exist in the bdsm relationship for me!!️

 

[Incandescent_Marigold]

If you decide to message women, and I mean real women on Lit, not men posing as women, please act like a normal human being! Don’t pm us like we are brainless people who are being paid to give you sex! Act with respect, caring, and kindness like you would your mother, sister, daughter, girlfriend, or wife! Real women don’t enjoy hearing about your ex! There is probably a reason they are no longer interested in you. Don’t message about what you want if you are seeking a connection, it’s a two way street. Real women are intelligent, sexy, secure, and sensitive!

If you act like a dick, you get what you deserve! Blocked or ignored! I don’t think anyone wants to be treated poorly here but if you do it, you reap what you sow!

Kudos to the kind people who are giving and receiving rather than just taking!!

(️
Marigold

 

[Incandescent_Marigold]

Sometimes, it takes a spark ️ to shine,
Someone who takes the time,
Looks beyond the surface to make them MINE!

Delving deeper into my wanderlust soul,
Bringing forth my desired roles,
Wanting to know how to go beyond the lull.

Like a star ️ at midnight guiding the way,
Coaxing me out for wicked and loving play,
Minds and hands may wander and stray.

The one who captures my heart ,
Together, we can each play an important part,
Fiery and passionate, will be imperative from the start!!

Two souls become One,
Wicked and Joyously Fun!!

 

[Incandescent_Marigold]

Without honesty there can be no trust in a D/s relationship. A submissive like me is putting her heart and her safety into a Dominant’s hands. She has to be able to trust Him completely. Now, i am speaking from a female’s viewpoint, but if he is dishonest, hides things, how can you trust him? If he puts anyone besides family and his job ahead of you, how can you lay your love and submission and trust at his feet?

The simple truth is you can’t. No matter how much it hurts, you have to accept that your love and submission does not mean as much to him as you need it to or that he led you to believe. I have learned if you feel like your feelings do not matter; guess what? They probably don’t. If he has planted doubts in your mind and does not do anything to try to correct it, the plain hard facts is he doesn’t care. Someone who loves and values you truly wants the best for you and wants to be your friend, love, confidant, and most importantly, your champion!

I might have thought at one time that i needed to figure out how to speed the process, how to push myself into it. Or, in the time before that, it would have happened totally spontaneously, without thought or caution. One minute feeling the need to jump in , the next minute feeling all desire to please and serve.

Now, i choose to trust myself. i am glad that I reminded myself of that softened openness and vulnerability. But today, i chose to honor my own wisdom to know when and how it will happen.

 

[Incandescent_Marigold]

Fake Dom is the term given to a person who claims to be a Dominant when in reality they have no clue what they are doing.

Fake DOMS often have little regard for the sub, instead believing a BDSM dynamic is solely for their benefit and they can make the sub do whatever they want.

Being in a relationship with a Fake Dom is damaging to the emotional and physical wellbeing of the submissive, especially if she is new and unable to recognize she is interacting with a Fake Dom.

They make you feel bad!​

1. They won’t answer questions when you ask them to.
2. They only focus on their pleasure and not yours.
3. They don’t work to ease you into the whole concept, they force you to do what they want.
5. They push you to do you things they wouldn’t do themselves, like open up to them, without sharing any of their feelings or information as well.

Being in a relationship with a Fake Dom makes the submissive feel:

• Small (not in a good way)
• Belittled
• Questioning
• As though they have to continually prove themselves
• As though she is getting far less benefits from the dynamic than the Dom does
• Fearful of putting a foot wrong
• As though her thoughts don’t matter

Just because the power in a Dom/sub dynamic isn’t equal, it doesn’t mean the benefits shouldn’t be equal.

The Dom and sub don’t get the same type of benefits but they do get equally valued benefits! And if they are not getting that, and someone is only messaging you for themselves, walk away, quickly, because it doesn’t get better over time. You just end up finding out how uncaring they really are!!

If you truly care about someone and want to be in a BDSM relationship, you’ll take the time to get to know them and have something to offer them. If someone is just out for pictures and videos, they will push you into a relationship and onto an app instead of caring about you as a person and wanting to truly connect with you. I share this because I don’t want anybody else to get hurt or be mistreated by people out there who don’t genuinely want the same things.

 

[Primalex]

Let me phrase it this way - your view about D/s and dominants borders on delusional idealism. The only thing that is missing are some Tumblr pictures of a handcuffed girl with some saccharine slogans.

At least you realized that a D/s relationship is first-most a relationship and approaching it from the relationship angle first might make more sense.

 

[Incandescent_Marigold]

Let me phrase it this way - your view about D/s and dominants borders on delusional idealism. The only thing that is missing are some Tumblr pictures of a handcuffed girl with some saccharine slogans.

At least you realized that a D/s relationship is first-most a relationship and approaching it from the relationship angle first might make more sense.

Thanks for sharing!!

 

[Ken2023]

This has been a very interesting journey for me! I have learned the up and down side of trying to find what you seek! I have met some truly amazing people, but on the flip side, there are some manipulative people on here who like to play games with people by teasing them sexually and leaving! That’s not dominance, that’s just disrespect for your partner! Don’t start something you can’t finish! Some people need to stop viewing lit as their personal playground and act accordingly! When someone points out you are treating them poorly, don’t further ignore their feelings or requests to communicate! Dominance is a wonderful thing but submission is a beautiful gift and for those who don’t cherish it and just want to role play stories, seek out people who also want that!

Here’s what I want in a Dom:

• 1. He exhibits self-control and self-discipline.
• 2. He knows (and uses) the power of body language.
• 3. He knows he’s a work in progress, and he does the work.
• 4. He doesn’t waste time or energy complaining.
• 5. He knows what he wants.
• 6. He’s patient but relentless.
• 7. He leads by example.
• 8. He takes risks.
• 9. He knows when (and how) to say no.
• 10. He speaks with clarity, confidence, and calm.
• 11. He has zero tolerance for bullies.

 

[Ken2023]

Hello Marigold I sent you a dm

 

[Ken2023]

If your still looking can we dm ?

 

[MagicFlute]

This has been a very interesting journey for me! I have learned the up and down side of trying to find what you seek! I have met some truly amazing people, but on the flip side, there are some manipulative people on here who like to play games with people by teasing them sexually and leaving! That’s not dominance, that’s just disrespect for your partner! Don’t start something you can’t finish! Some people need to stop viewing lit as their personal playground and act accordingly! When someone points out you are treating them poorly, don’t further ignore their feelings or requests to communicate! Dominance is a wonderful thing but submission is a beautiful gift and for those who don’t cherish it and just want to role play stories, seek out people who also want that!

Here’s what I want in a Dom:

• 1. He exhibits self-control and self-discipline.
• 2. He knows (and uses) the power of body language.
• 3. He knows he’s a work in progress, and he does the work.
• 4. He doesn’t waste time or energy complaining.
• 5. He knows what he wants.
• 6. He’s patient but relentless.
• 7. He leads by example.
• 8. He takes risks.
• 9. He knows when (and how) to say no.
• 10. He speaks with clarity, confidence, and calm.
• 11. He has zero tolerance for bullies.

This list is a great way to check off a compatible Dom! Use it and every other tool you have to find your perfect Sir - he is out there waiting for you.

 

[Ken2023]

I am a forty something female with lustrous sparkle and shine! I am warm, sincere, full of life, kind, and embodied with passion and wonder. I have been seeking to learn more about D/s from a caring Dominant who wants to educate and nourish someone's mind and body online. Sadly, for me, I have met many individuals on here who think D/s means hurting someone, bossing them around, or just being cold or manipulative. I don't seek a sadist, just someone who honestly wants to nurture and help someone grow. If you're looking to cast blame, be hurtful, be degrading, and basically, be a cold-hearted person, don't respond.

• Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I’ve given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.

1. I need to know You accept me for all I am

• I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.

2. I need to have clearly defined limits

• I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.
• 3. I need You to be consistent
  • I need to know You mean what You say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience, but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.
  • 3. I need to expand my limits
  • I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.
• 4. I need You to teach me
  • I need to learn, and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
• I know my worth and I'm not here to be belittled or treated poorly. If you want to grow with me, or just message me, I would LOVE to hear from YOU!!!

Hello. We were chatting and you stopped? Did I do something to upset you? I was enjoying our chats

 

[readingmary]

Fake Dom is the term given to a person who claims to be a Dominant when in reality they have no clue what they are doing.

Fake DOMS often have little regard for the sub, instead believing a BDSM dynamic is solely for their benefit and they can make the sub do whatever they want.

Being in a relationship with a Fake Dom is damaging to the emotional and physical wellbeing of the submissive, especially if she is new and unable to recognize she is interacting with a Fake Dom.

They make you feel bad!​

1. They won’t answer questions when you ask them to.
2. They only focus on their pleasure and not yours.
3. They don’t work to ease you into the whole concept, they force you to do what they want.
5. They push you to do you things they wouldn’t do themselves, like open up to them, without sharing any of their feelings or information as well.

Being in a relationship with a Fake Dom makes the submissive feel:

• Small (not in a good way)
• Belittled
• Questioning
• As though they have to continually prove themselves
• As though she is getting far less benefits from the dynamic than the Dom does
• Fearful of putting a foot wrong
• As though her thoughts don’t matter

Just because the power in a Dom/sub dynamic isn’t equal, it doesn’t mean the benefits shouldn’t be equal.

The Dom and sub don’t get the same type of benefits but they do get equally valued benefits! And if they are not getting that, and someone is only messaging you for themselves, walk away, quickly, because it doesn’t get better over time. You just end up finding out how uncaring they really are!!

If you truly care about someone and want to be in a BDSM relationship, you’ll take the time to get to know them and have something to offer them. If someone is just out for pictures and videos, they will push you into a relationship and onto an app instead of caring about you as a person and wanting to truly connect with you. I share this because I don’t want anybody else to get hurt or be mistreated by people out there who don’t genuinely want the same things.

Everything you've said is what I have thought and felt. You have a gift for words. Thank you

 

[readingmary]

Such articulate posts. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Hope she does as well.

 

[Incandescent_Marigold]

Hope she does as well.

Thank you !!