Delivering the "punchline". To tell or not to?

[do_not_shiver]

Ok, long story, but need to get it off my chest, and I'd love any help or experience you guys could share.

So, in late may/early june this year, I finally came out to some of my friends. One of them in particular, a girl I'll call M, has been there for me through heaven and hell. She was so cool with it, that I almost got sad because she didn't react(almost like she didn't care, but I understand now that she did care, but she was SO cool with it). Anyhow, after the liberating feeling of knowing that I wouldn't be ALL alone, I got some air beneath my wings. I had had a crush on one of my professors for 6 months before this, and I told her about how I felt. She thought it would go over, and so did I. And it mostly did.
Later that summer I went on a youth conference abroad, and saw this cute guy at the airport. Well, what do you know, he was going to the same conference. And boy did we have a great week, but underneith the surface, was boiling. This cute irish guy had my head all messed up, so I decided to call and text my friend M. She helped me through alot of it, but I still felt so sad that it would end. So, on day 5 or 6 of the total 8 days, I slipped a anonymous letter under his room-door.(I almost got caught coming from his room to the stairs ) I anonymously told him that he's a good guy, and he should never change and so on. He thought it was a girl, and I said nothing when he confined to me. 8th day came around, we shared 1 connecting flight, and then we hugged goodbye. I haven't seen him since, but talked to him on the phone, and some e-mail. One evening, I was at my friends house for a party, and I called the guy(after taking 2 shots) while I was walking outside. I told him it was me that sent the letter, and he said he almost guessed. But when I told him it wasn't a joke, he finally got it. He was a bit surprised, when I tried to apologize, he just said that he understands.
Happy that I had closed the case, I was still depressed over not seeing him again and the whole thing not working out, and when my studies started again, I had a huge hole in my heart.
And that is when trouble started.
I went on a weekend field trip with 15 other students, and 2 professors. One of the was the hot one. Let's us call him T. He's in his early/mid 30's, clean shaven, 5foot 4(estimate), and a nice round "feel" to his body. Not chubby, just 15 pounds over the SLIM line. You know the type. He's a good dresser, nice shoes, straight pants or nice jeans and collar shirts or a nice sweater. Very handsome, but not over the top.
That weekend was fun, we did alot of cool stuff. But my high point was seeing my professor nude, while we we're swimming/showering. And it was NIRVANA. Before I had only been able to guess what his body looked like under that shirt, and only guess if he was furry or not. He was perfect! (You might not be into this type of guy, but I have never seen anything as nice as that). After that, I was sold. I liked him very much before, and that just set an inevitable ball of confusion in motion. After we got back, we had to do a report, and I did most of the groups work. He was impressed, and after that we've been getting closer and closer, we could chat about stuff when we see eachother in the hallways or something. I even looked up a song he mentioned during one class(he forgot the name, and didn't remember the lyrics). Don't get this wrong, T is the type of professor that everyone likes, and he's very friendly and so on. He has this type of bond with alot of students, so I'm not any special in that way.
But I fell truely, madly and deeply in love. So I was confused, for over 8 weeks I didn't know what to do. I listened to alot of Coldplay(hurrah!) and other beautiful songs about love, and cried alot. I was the normal happy me during daytime, but when I got home, mostly I would just fall apart.
Finally I got my act together, and wrote a letter. And it was long. Almost 6000 words long. I told everything I could, without mentioning anything that could say it was me. I didn't sign it, but I left an e-mail address at the bottom(after a quote from Coldplay's Shiver, and a poem). I attached copies of Coldplays 3 albums(call me a pirate, whatever) hoping that he might like it, and that I could do atleast a little bit of good.
5 days passed. Every day I checked the e-mail account that I had set up just for this purpose. After 5 days I had a reply. I almost cried, it was so beautiful. He called me brave for not lieing to myself about myself, and that I should never give up, and always try. But also that he was straight, and that he's in a straight relationship. He wished me luck, and thought it would be best if he didn't know my identity. And then I was calm. I was zen with it. But I respected and loved him even more, but now I know that someone else loves him, and I hope that she loves him with the same passion that I do, since he deserves it, and alot more.
Now the issue at hand is this. I think he knows. He might have been a bit more perseptive, and noticed that I was acting different after he read the letter, and maybe "scanned" his students. If he does know, he doesn't let that change his attitude, he's just a cool as before, greets me in the hallways, asks me how I'm doing etc....
But I want to make SURE he knows by the time I'm done. We're having a farewell dinner with students and professors next year, and I'm planning on telling him that night. We'll be eating and drinking at a nice restaurant, and those who dare, will go to afterparties. I'm going to make sure that he comes with my friends to wherever we end up. I feel like talking it all out, even if it won't do no good. I just want closure on this all. And what else to gather courage then getting a bit tipsy?
Now is this a bad idea, or should I maybe do it differently?
Or do you have any ideas what I should tell him, or how to do it?
Just anything that might save me from making an ass of myself.

Somehow, now my dream is that we could remain friends. Is this risking the little we have(the little that means so much to me)?

 

[blondi84]

You have a friendship with him now, and if you want to keep it then I would drop the romantic conversation idea. I am sure if he doesn't know now, after he gets to know you more as a friend he will figure it out. You need to respect that he is straight just as much as you want him to respect that you are gay. I understand your feeling like you need closure, and I hope that you can find it, but I think that what he said in the letter about it being better not knowing who you are was his way of saying that this should be the end of it. I know that the last thing you want to do as his friend is to put him in an uncomfortable situation, and I am afraid that is all that will come of you bringing this up again. If you feel like I am missing some profound point in your story, please correct me. As I understand things though, you won't accomplish anything but alienating him if you drag this out. Good luck!

 

[LadyAria]

Don't tell him. He doesn't want to know. If you really "love" him, you would not be so selfish just to give yourself closure.

 

[do_not_shiver]

The thing is that we are not "friends", more like co-workers.
And after May, I'll never see him again unless some freak coincidence. But I do see your point, and I'm thankful for your insights. It gives me more to think about, and I think I'll figure it out one day. And it's not like I want a "romantic discussion" with him, I just want to explain, and I want to know. No fuzzing about, just plain cold facts.
For about him saying that he doesn't need to know my identity, I think it was more of a professional reasoning, so that it wouldn't harm or skew the professional relationship we have. My reasoning was then that if I time it to a point where that wouldn't matter anymore, then he wouldn't mind. If I only knew how this had affected him, if he's thought about it anymore, or if he's been insulted, or if he's flattered? Time will tell.
Thanks for your comments.

 

[blondi84]

The thing is that we are not "friends", more like co-workers.
And after May, I'll never see him again unless some freak coincidence. But I do see your point, and I'm thankful for your insights. It gives me more to think about, and I think I'll figure it out one day. And it's not like I want a "romantic discussion" with him, I just want to explain, and I want to know. No fuzzing about, just plain cold facts.
For about him saying that he doesn't need to know my identity, I think it was more of a professional reasoning, so that it wouldn't harm or skew the professional relationship we have. My reasoning was then that if I time it to a point where that wouldn't matter anymore, then he wouldn't mind. If I only knew how this had affected him, if he's thought about it anymore, or if he's been insulted, or if he's flattered? Time will tell.
Thanks for your comments.

I am confused as to what it is you want to explain, and what do you want to know? You explained that you had feelings for him, in what I interpreted to be quite a detailed letter. He replied that he was flattered, not interested, straight, and would not like to know who you are. I understand that this is hard to let go of, but for your own good maybe it would be best not to pursue even a friendship with this man. If you become friends with him, while secretly holding back a crush, you are being dishonest in your intentions. That is not fair to him or yourself. Spend your time focusing on finding someone who can return your feelings. From what you said in your first post, I would not be at all suprised if he did know that it was you, and the fact that he has done nothing to let you know or acknowledge that is a pretty clear message for you.

 

[do_not_shiver]

After giving this much thought, I must say that this has shed alot of light onto this situation. Sometimes all it takes is an outsider's view. Thanks a million, this really helps.
I can see now what a waste all that could have been, and that I nor anyone else had anything to gain.
Thanks blondi84!

 

[do_not_shiver]

Well, I'm just draggin up this old topic of mine because last friday was the day of the farewell dinner.
During the recent 5 weeks up to this, my professor has been the nicest person he could have been. So when friday came around, I was confused.
So right when he was about to leave the afterparty at this club, I come up to him. He thanks me for the night(I was partially responcible for arranging it) and so on. I thanked him, but told him that wasn't why I was seeing him to the exit of the club. He smiled, and nodded, and said something along the lines of "yeah I know, but it's seriously OK with me."
I felt a huge weight getting lifted off my back, and almost went into panic. I started saying that I didn't want to hurt anyone, and I was trying to be... and so on.
He just grabbed my shoulder, and said "It's OK. Everything's going to turn out great for you."
Turns out he knew for quite a while, and was happy to see me come to terms with the whole identity issue. He didn't try to figure out who sent him the letter originally, because he felt the person had give his identity much thought, and he might risk something too big. He said he was proud that I actually tried so hard to be myself, with all the pressure from the world around me. And that he fully accepted the situation. "Sometimes people just fall for their teachers. It happens."
And so ends this interesting journey of mine. I wish everyone could meet a person like him. Man, I wish we all could fall for one, and spend the rest of our lives with one. But this wasn't my time or place.
But I'm happy it's out there, and that he understood my point of view.