Degrees of BDSM?

[the Royal wench]

I've read here a bit and elsewhere as well as chatted with BDSM folks (mostly Doms) and I often sense a bit of derision towards those who don't 'live the life'. It's as if it is an all or nothing kind of thing yet I find myself sitting in the middle. I don't consider myself a fake, or just playing, but rather not entrenched in such a lifestyle to the degree that others seem to take for granted if you say you are a sub. I tend to just say I have a submissive nature for this reason.



Are there not degrees to D/s/BDSM or are there defined characteristics that bring one into this catagory/community (or keep them out)? If one partner has a dominant nature and the other a submissive nature both in general and in sexual activities yet there are no strict rules or expectations are they still a Dom/sub pair? Even if they don't call themselves Master, slave, pet, etc.?

 

[Mr Blonde]

Let me go try to find those threads....BRB

Okay, here we go:

Part-time kinksters:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=219697

24/7 discussion:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=222185

Levels of dominance:
http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/Lifestyle/dom_types.htm

Levels of submission:
http://soiuser.hyperchat.com/redox/9levels.html

You are either mistaken or overly sensitive if you think this community is not welcoming to all the different styles. This poll shows a clear distribution of the different styles of dominance:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=118140

There is a related poll for the submissives but I can't seem to find it. Average age of first experience in this forum is 23 years old. Average level of experience is ~10 years and the typical poster describes themselves as a "BDSM Intermediate" (in terms of experience).

If you see some of the people with deeper levels of experience and involvement get into a long debate, just drop back and read their posts for learning. This forum would get boring real quick if it was just introductory "where do I start?" threads. Those super-involved people answer lots of repetitive newbie questions so you've got to allow them room to grow/learn/discourse as well.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[TNRkitect2b]

Kudos to you Mr Blonde for the above response. You beat me to it (and probably dida better job of it to boot )

 

[Netzach]

I practise SM with all or nothing balls to the walls seriousness.

And I'm casual and laid back about the degree to which I control and rule and master someone else.

Does this make me a part timer?

According to some people who think cbt is computer based training and haven't gotten closer to their sub than an ocean or two, I'm a trifling amateur.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I've read here a bit and elsewhere as well as chatted with BDSM folks (mostly Doms) and I often sense a bit of derision towards those who don't 'live the life'. It's as if it is an all or nothing kind of thing yet I find myself sitting in the middle. I don't consider myself a fake, or just playing, but rather not entrenched in such a lifestyle to the degree that others seem to take for granted if you say you are a sub. I tend to just say I have a submissive nature for this reason.



Are there not degrees to D/s/BDSM or are there defined characteristics that bring one into this catagory/community (or keep them out)? If one partner has a dominant nature and the other a submissive nature both in general and in sexual activities yet there are no strict rules or expectations are they still a Dom/sub pair? Even if they don't call themselves Master, slave, pet, etc.?

I think most of the time you'll find it is up to the people involved in the relationship in question, how they perceive themselves and what they do, and whether they are happy with that mix which defines whether the levels of submission and dominance are where they should be. I guess there will always be those who feel they are the real McKoy and the rest are just wannabe dreamers, but then in time people tend to discount their judgements and views and do what suits themselves best. For me, I find submission comes in degrees/layers. Just when I think I have reached the pinnacle for me, I find another layer peeling back to reveal a new and exciting level full of challenges and learning experiences to keep me busy for awhile. Hopefully this process will continue to help me grow to my full potential.

Catalina

 

[Nackereia]

Let me go try to find those threads....BRB

Okay, here we go:

Part-time kinksters:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=219697

24/7 discussion:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=222185

Levels of dominance:
http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/Lifestyle/dom_types.htm

Levels of submission:
http://soiuser.hyperchat.com/redox/9levels.html

You are either mistaken or overly sensitive if you think this community is not welcoming to all the different styles. This poll shows a clear distribution of the different styles of dominance:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=118140

There is a related poll for the submissives but I can't seem to find it. Average age of first experience in this forum is 23 years old. Average level of experience is ~10 years and the typical poster describes themselves as a "BDSM Intermediate" (in terms of experience).

If you see some of the people with deeper levels of experience and involvement get into a long debate, just drop back and read their posts for learning. This forum would get boring real quick if it was just introductory "where do I start?" threads. Those super-involved people answer lots of repetitive newbie questions so you've got to allow them room to grow/learn/discourse as well.

Thank you for that It's very helpful to me

 

[LadyG]

While the degrees of intensity/commitment (?) to the lifestyle vary, just keep in mind that every relationship is different and that applies to BDSM as well.

There are no hard and fast rules on "how sub/Dom" you need to be in a relationship.

What works for one, may not work for another.

As long as you and your partner are happy and satisfied with your situation, then that's all that matters!

 

[the Royal wench]

Let me go try to find those threads....BRB

Okay, here we go:

Part-time kinksters:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=219697

24/7 discussion:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=222185

Levels of dominance:
http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/Lifestyle/dom_types.htm

Levels of submission:
http://soiuser.hyperchat.com/redox/9levels.html

You are either mistaken or overly sensitive if you think this community is not welcoming to all the different styles. This poll shows a clear distribution of the different styles of dominance:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=118140

There is a related poll for the submissives but I can't seem to find it. Average age of first experience in this forum is 23 years old. Average level of experience is ~10 years and the typical poster describes themselves as a "BDSM Intermediate" (in terms of experience).

If you see some of the people with deeper levels of experience and involvement get into a long debate, just drop back and read their posts for learning. This forum would get boring real quick if it was just introductory "where do I start?" threads. Those super-involved people answer lots of repetitive newbie questions so you've got to allow them room to grow/learn/discourse as well.

Thank you!

Looks like I have some reading to do there.

 

[the Royal wench]

Hm. That's kinda fascinating. I realized and started accepting my submissivness a few months ago and my husband has questioned if I'm just pretending or not because I don't necessarily "fit" what he thought submissives were. But if I look at the levels of submission I do "fit".

That's how I feel. That I fit. Just not in an all or nothing kind of way.

 

[the Royal wench]

I practise SM with all or nothing balls to the walls seriousness.

And I'm casual and laid back about the degree to which I control and rule and master someone else.

Does this make me a part timer?

According to some people who think cbt is computer based training and haven't gotten closer to their sub than an ocean or two, I'm a trifling amateur.

I guess I don't know what cbt is.

Doesn't not having to control every aspect mean you trust them? I guess that goes to the knowing part as well.

 

[the Royal wench]

Re: Re: Degrees of BDSM?

I think most of the time you'll find it is up to the people involved in the relationship in question, how they perceive themselves and what they do, and whether they are happy with that mix which defines whether the levels of submission and dominance are where they should be. I guess there will always be those who feel they are the real McKoy and the rest are just wannabe dreamers, but then in time people tend to discount their judgements and views and do what suits themselves best. For me, I find submission comes in degrees/layers. Just when I think I have reached the pinnacle for me, I find another layer peeling back to reveal a new and exciting level full of challenges and learning experiences to keep me busy for awhile. Hopefully this process will continue to help me grow to my full potential.

Catalina

That must be the truth. It's up to the individuals.

I'm surprized at myself, as well, at times finding things I thought before I would never go for, but when presented by the right person finding myself totally turned on.

 

[the Royal wench]

While the degrees of intensity/commitment (?) to the lifestyle vary, just keep in mind that every relationship is different and that applies to BDSM as well.

There are no hard and fast rules on "how sub/Dom" you need to be in a relationship.

What works for one, may not work for another.

As long as you and your partner are happy and satisfied with your situation, then that's all that matters!

I think the confusing part for me is recognizing the dominant/submissive nature of my relationship yet not really considering myself a sub or him a dom. At the same time it's very much there and I feel like I could learn alot from looking into how others deal with this sort of thing.

 

[SwtSouthrnSub]

[

 

[shelleb4]

Nice response from Mr Blonde. It says it all.

I wonder how people who 'live the life' 24/7 cope with us mere mortals who dont play along? How do you take the dog for its evening walk and then pick its shit up to take home as a 24/7 Dom/me? Yeah, thats right, by stepping 'out of character' and bending down with a plastic bag on your hand, just like me.

 

[Etoile]

I guess I don't know what cbt is.

CBT = Cock & Ball Torture = Computer-Based Training (as a kinky techie, it means both to me!)

There can be 24/7, there can be "part-time" and all that...but I like what somebody (MissT?) said about us all being satisfied with our own relationships. Putting BDSM into "degrees" sounds to me like it's in the "subbier/dommier than thou" category. My humble opinion, of course.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Nice response from Mr Blonde. It says it all.

I wonder how people who 'live the life' 24/7 cope with us mere mortals who dont play along? How do you take the dog for its evening walk and then pick its shit up to take home as a 24/7 Dom/me? Yeah, thats right, by stepping 'out of character' and bending down with a plastic bag on your hand, just like me.

Mmmmm, well see I don't see it as stepping out of character, more as another situation of acting responsibly which comes with being human, whether you are sub or Dom/me....and is not 'stepping out of character'. As has been explained before in several threads, being 24/7 does not translate to living permanently at the end of a whip, or being the one wielding the whip every minute you are breathing. There continues to be the insinuation 24/7 people think they are above others, yet the ones making those type statements are not the 24/7 lifestylers but rather those who are not. IMHO I think it would be much more conducive to tolerance if people could find where they belong, what type relationship they want, and accept themselves for that choice instead of assuming others have a problem with it. Sorry if it offends as it is not meant to, but I also am 24/7 and wonder why that continues to be an issue for so many who aren't, to understand and accept when I don't have an issue myself with who they choose to be.

Catalina

 

[the Royal wench]

If anyone thinks less of you for not living the lifestyle as they "supposedly" do, screw them. If some are responding to you in this way, I suspect that they have a bad case of chat room "Master-itis." Many are Master wanna-bes, and have preconceived notions about D/s relationships... yet have never had a submissive to call their own because they don't have a clue.

It's ok to have submissive tendencies and not yet be ready to call anyone "Master." Very few of us grew up thinking "I want to have a Master to serve." Read, and explore the lifestyle safely at your own pace. It wouldn't hurt to befriend some submissives that you can talk to either.

You's be surprised how many feel exactly as you do when they begin to explore D/s. Calling someone "Master" can seem totally foreign. You shouldn't call a casual acquaintance "Master"... no matter what they say you should do. When you find someone worthy of calling your Master, he or she will have helped you in defining your relationship, realizing what both of your needs are, and what their being your Master will mean to you.

There are no rules set in stone that define D/s relationships. We are all unique individuals. Some couples that come together with experience under their belts start their relationships on an advanced level. Others need time and patience to explore the lifestyle and find out what is right for them.

Pain isn't a necessity within a D/s relationship. Some may thrive on it, others may not. There is no right or wrong. A real Master will discuss pain and other lifestyle elements with you in detail before you commit yourself to a relationship with him or her. There are numerous BDSM checklists that you can explore together on the internet before committing to a D/s relationship together. Just like normal dating, personal compatibility is everything.

There are no perfect submissives, nor perfect Masters. It's a neverending learning process as you progress on your journey into the lifestyle... if you choose to do that. If you ultimately decide that the lifestyle is not for you, that's ok too. You wouldn't be the first person to do that... nor the last.

Most importantly, protect yourself as you explore the lifestyle. Never meet a Dominant for the first time without calling a friend and letting them know where you're at, and with whom. If the Dominant objects to this, run like hell.

Take Care...

This is probably true that some who have responded directly in negative way for not being what might be considered a stereotypical sub were not quite true to their own ideals of dominance. I'll admit my experience is limited for the most part to people I have talked to online where there was a usually a sense of intimidation in an attempt to get me to submit to more than I was comfortable with though I have also seen comments similar made by others who were talking about BDSM rather than too someone directly. Maybe it just goes to people are people and you will find all types in any environment.

I would expect there to be variances in preferences and styles but I wonder if there aren't degrees to the amount of submission a sub gives as well as the amount of control a Dom extracts and they are still considered a D/s relationship. From my reading I think this is true. Part of my interest in being here is to find submissives to talk to who I think would have a greater understanding of some of the feelings I go through whether I might be considered in a D/s relationship or not. I often bite my tongue when talking to other women because they might not understand just how my relationship is and think I should expect more. Though I'm sometimes confused about myself I wouldn't want to change how I am with my lover.

Thank you, I have learned learned to be protective of myself. I am fortunate to have a lover and not feel the need to seek out any other relationship at this time. Indeed, my past attempts at getting more involved with people who call themselves Doms has made me quite wary in any case. I have found that the couple of Doms I have talked to who were not so quick to put themselves as Doms seemed to carry the trait of dominance more naturally than the "I am a Dom, you will obey me" type.

 

[the Royal wench]

Nice response from Mr Blonde. It says it all.

I wonder how people who 'live the life' 24/7 cope with us mere mortals who dont play along? How do you take the dog for its evening walk and then pick its shit up to take home as a 24/7 Dom/me? Yeah, thats right, by stepping 'out of character' and bending down with a plastic bag on your hand, just like me.

I would think they are only stepping out of character if they pretend they don't do this in the first place.

 

[the Royal wench]

Mmmmm, well see I don't see it as stepping out of character, more as another situation of acting responsibly which comes with being human, whether you are sub or Dom/me....and is not 'stepping out of character'. As has been explained before in several threads, being 24/7 does not translate to living permanently at the end of a whip, or being the one wielding the whip every minute you are breathing. There continues to be the insinuation 24/7 people think they are above others, yet the ones making those type statements are not the 24/7 lifestylers but rather those who are not. IMHO I think it would be much more conducive to tolerance if people could find where they belong, what type relationship they want, and accept themselves for that choice instead of assuming others have a problem with it. Sorry if it offends as it is not meant to, but I also am 24/7 and wonder why that continues to be an issue for so many who aren't, to understand and accept when I don't have an issue myself with who they choose to be.

Catalina

I actually find this 'stepping o ut of character' phrase confusing. If you are what you are, aren't you always that character unless you are just playing? Or pretending?

 

[the Royal wench]

CBT = Cock & Ball Torture = Computer-Based Training (as a kinky techie, it means both to me!)

There can be 24/7, there can be "part-time" and all that...but I like what somebody (MissT?) said about us all being satisfied with our own relationships. Putting BDSM into "degrees" sounds to me like it's in the "subbier/dommier than thou" category. My humble opinion, of course.

I'm not sure how to take your comment. Being satisfied with ones own situation is certainly paramount and what others think secondary. Trying to find out how others here think about BDSM as 'in degrees' or an 'all or nothing' kind of thing is perhaps my way of feeling out how comfortable I might be here discussing D/s in the much lesser degree that I live it than most here seem to. Yes, some comments have seemed snobby (subbier/dommier than thou?) and if my lesser 'degree' is not welcome here than I am certain I can find other places to spend my time.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I actually find this 'stepping o ut of character' phrase confusing. If you are what you are, aren't you always that character unless you are just playing?

That is how I see it. We do live 24/7 which to us means I am under his control directly or indirectly at all times, even when I am asleep. Picking up doggie poop if you own one is a part of everyday living which is the part of everyone's life, 24/7 lifestyle choice or not. You do not step out of character to do it anymore than you do to drink, eat, or sleep. I think the stepping out of character phrase comes from a couple of misconceptions. One being that D/s is all about sexual submission, not any other level of submission...the other being that some think to live 24/7 means you must be trying to say you are under or wielding the whip 24/7 and as that is physically impossible, you are lying in saying you live 24/7. Both misconceptions fail to understand the concept of 24/7 and the depth it extends to, for most infiltrating every corner of their life, every moment, and being a lifestyle as opposed to a kinky sexual practice.

Catalina

 

[the Royal wench]

That is how I see it. We do live 24/7 which to us means I am under his control directly or indirectly at all times, even when I am asleep. Picking up doggie poop if you own one is a part of everyday living which is the part of everyone's life, 24/7 lifestyle choice or not. You do not step out of character to do it anymore than you do to drink, eat, or sleep. I think the stepping out of character phrase comes from a couple of misconceptions. One being that D/s is all about sexual submission, not any other level of submission...the other being that some think to live 24/7 means you must be trying to say you are under or wielding the whip 24/7 and as that is physically impossible, you are lying in saying you live 24/7. Both misconceptions fail to understand the concept of 24/7 and the depth it extends to, for most infiltrating every corner of their life, every moment, and being a lifestyle as opposed to a kinky sexual practice.

Catalina

In that case I'm 24/7 just to a lesser degree.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm not sure how to take your comment. Being satisfied with ones own situation is certainly paramount and what others think secondary. Trying to find out how others here think about BDSM as 'in degrees' or an 'all or nothing' kind of thing is perhaps my way of feeling out how comfortable I might be here discussing D/s in the much lesser degree that I live it than most here seem to. Yes, some comments have seemed snobby (subbier/dommier than thou?) and if my lesser 'degree' is not welcome here than I am certain I can find other places to spend my time.

I would encourage you to continue to post here. I think Etoie was more thinking of various discussions which have debated which is the real level or degree to submit or dominante to be taken seriously or considered real. I for one find my submission does come in layers/degrees which I explained earlier, but is totally independent of anyone elses postions or feelings of submission. For me, I talk about how I notice myself sinking deeper, often when I have just reached a point I thought was as far as it went. I am not the same slave today as I was this time last year, and expect in another year will be vastly differnet again. It is my choice, others might not make that same choice because it is not right for them at that point, maybe never. It is all about doing what is right for you as opposed to what others might tell you is the right or real way.

Catalina

 

[the Royal wench]

I would encourage you to continue to post here. I think Etoie was more thinking of various discussions which have debated which is the real level or degree to submit or dominante to be taken seriously or considered real. I for one find my submission does come in layers/degrees which I explained earlier, but is totally independent of anyone elses postions or feelings of submission. For me, I talk about how I notice myself sinking deeper, often when I have just reached a point I thought was as far as it went. I am not the same slave today as I was this time last year, and expect in another year will be vastly differnet again. It is my choice, others might not make that same choice because it is not right for them at that point, maybe never. It is all about doing what is right for you as opposed to what others might tell you is the right or real way.

Catalina

Thank you. I have seen gradual changes in myself in the last couple of years as my sexual limits have broadened. With each limit I have felt freer to feel the extent of what I can feel. In that time period I have also seen how I tend to be submissive in my relationships outside the realm of sex but ironically I have also learned that I have to be responsible for my own needs and well-being. That is, if the relationship isn't right for me, get out of it rather than getting stuck in the mode of submitting outside of the realm of sex to something that is not healthy for me.

I hope I don't sound like a snob in reverse ever in that I don't understand completely the depths to which some subs give up control over there entire lives because I do still respect them for doing what is right for them. I also recognize that that giving up of control is a gift they are in control of giving, especially if they have the sense of self-worth to give it only to those who deserve it.