Deflower or re-flower... help please

[annaswirls]

This is a poem I wrote this winter. I have revised it many times, mostly snip snip snip--taking the suggestions from fellow poets. It has such a deep meaning to me, I do not know if any of it comes through or if it is just residual.

I have to read this Sunday and will be printing out the picture of my daisy as well. I would appreciate any suggestions that anyone may have on either the photo or poem.

Thanks in advance.


Cut from roots

I consider removing
the clear plastic sleeve
slid over the stem
of my sun fire Gerbera Daisy.

Her head, bowed in heaviness
forced into a “chin up” posture.

I lower the noose,
she lowers her head.
We move on.



Cut from roots

I consider removing
the clear plastic sleeve
slid over the stem
of my sun fire Gerbera Daisy.

Her head, bent with heaviness
forced into a “chin up” posture.

I lower the noose,
she lowers her head.
We move on


------------------------------
found one of the original versions: was pretty cliche in the middle, and the "sigh" too sappy


cut from roots

I consider removing
the clear plastic sleeve
they slid over the stem
of my sun fire Gerbera Daisy


Her head, bent with heaviness
and the passing of the day
forced into a chin up old girl posture


I lower the noose
She lowers her head
We both sigh and move on.

 

[annaswirls]

my gerbera daisy

 

[Maria2394]

I dont know why you'd want to change anything about that poem, I thought it was perfection when you submitted it the first time and the pic is wonderful, are you going to merge the two and submit as an illustrated poem?

its beautiful Anna, its an Anna, beautiful

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

the pic is beautiful! the poem left me with a sigh, you're right it wasn't needed, the sigh was there without writing it in the poem.

..and that's not to say the poem is too sappy, it isn't, it's beautiful.

 

[Reltne]

This is a poem I wrote this winter. I have revised it many times, mostly snip snip snip--taking the suggestions from fellow poets. It has such a deep meaning to me, I do not know if any of it comes through or if it is just residual.

I have to read this Sunday and will be printing out the picture of my daisy as well. I would appreciate any suggestions that anyone may have on either the photo or poem.

Thanks in advance.




Cut from roots

I consider removing
the clear plastic sleeve
slid over the stem
of my sun fire Gerbera Daisy.

Her head, bent with heaviness
forced into a “chin up” posture.

I lower the noose,
she lowers her head.
We move on


------------------------------
found one of the original versions: was pretty cliche in the middle, and the "sigh" too sappy


cut from roots

I consider removing
the clear plastic sleeve
they slid over the stem
of my sun fire Gerbera Daisy


Her head, bent with heaviness
and the passing of the day
forced into a chin up old girl posture


I lower the noose
She lowers her head
We both sigh and move on.

"Extra words" are only extra when they add nothing.
I think you may have taken too much away. I would try something like this:

"cut from roots

I consider removing
the plastic sleeving
they slid over the stem
of my sun fire Gerbera Daisy


Her head, bowed with heaviness
and the passing day
forced into a "chin up, old girl" posture


I lower the noose
She lowers her head
We nod and move on."



In your shorter version you have weakened, if not lost, the connection you and the daisy have against "them" (the world, daily life, etc.)

I like the picture, but would have liked to see one with the bent stem.

This is just my impression and suggestion, for whatever it is worth.
Please tell us how the reading goes!

 

[Maria2394]

Re: Re: Deflower or re-flower... help please

"Extra words" are only extra when they add nothing.
I think you may have taken too much away. I would try something like this:

"cut from roots

I consider removing
the plastic sleeving
they slid over the stem
of my sun fire Gerbera Daisy


Her head, bowed with heaviness
and the passing day
forced into a "chin up, old girl" posture


I lower the noose
She lowers her head
We nod and move on."



In your shorter version you have weakened, if not lost, the connection you and the daisy have against "them" (the world, daily life, etc.)

I like the picture, but would have liked to see one with the bent stem.

This is just my impression and suggestion, for whatever it is worth.
Please tell us how the reading goes!

I totally agree with Reltne, when you snipped away what you thought were extra words, you severed the bond that you had created between you and the flower and thusly, between me and that poem, I especially loved the chin up old girl posture line, that was perfect

maria

 

[tarablackwood22]

Re: Re: Re: Deflower or re-flower... help please

I totally agree with Reltne, when you snipped away what you thought were extra words, you severed the bond that you had created between you and the flower and thusly, between me and that poem, I especially loved the chin up old girl posture line, that was perfect

maria

I don't agree totally with Reltne and Maria.

I think much has been lost by removing the word 'they', and it SHOULD BE reinserted at the start of line three.

I also agree that "bowed" is better than bent in the first line of the second stanza.

"the passing of the day" adds nothing that I see, and I do not like "old girl".

I find "nod" repetitive, and prefer "sigh" (without 'both', which is repetitive after 'we') in the last line.

 

[annaswirls]

Thank you so much Maria, Reltne, Tara, you have been very helpful in making me re-evalutate what I wanted this poem to do in the first place.

"They" is back in
"Bent" is "bowed"

and eh hem, maybe this is done.

Reltne, I will try to find an angle that shows her bent head, she is in there, it is just hard to see from the angle. I do have other pictures Check pic-a-thon and I will put it up.

y'all are the best--

Anna

 

[champagne1982]

<snip>

Cut from roots

I consider removing
the clear plastic sleeve
they slid over the stem
of my sun fire Gerbera Daisy.

Her head, bowed in heaviness
forced into a “chin up” posture.

I lower the noose,
she lowers her head.
We move on.<snip>

Hello Anna. Wonderful poem. The first suggestion I have is for clarity's sake. I had to read the first verse a couple of times, to figure it out. Think about dropping the subject word they in the 3rd line, you seem to be referring back to the clear plastic sleeve and it's a singular subject although they is not... I hope you see it. This may not be clear when You read it but it would be difficult for another. The line break only adds to the confusion. I am sure those words would retain the same meaning.

I consider removing
the clear plastic sleeve
slid over the stem
of my sun fire Gerbera Daisy

At the end, do you want to impart resolve or resignation? Hanging her head is acceptance (resigned) and raising it would be, to me, meeting her fate with strength, thus, resolve. I just wanted you to maybe think about what the sigh originally communicated. Lovely and lovelier. Thank you.

 

[Reltne]

Further thoughts

In the last stanza, how about:

I lower the noose
She nods her head
and we move on."

This eliminates the double use of lower/s. I like the "sigh" for the unity of agreement it implies, but flowers really don't do that. they do nod or bob.

 

[tarablackwood22]

Re: Re: Deflower or re-flower... help please

Hello Anna. Wonderful poem. The first suggestion I have is for clarity's sake. I had to read the first verse a couple of times, to figure it out. Think about dropping the subject word they in the 3rd line, you seem to be referring back to the clear plastic sleeve and it's a singular subject although they is not... I hope you see it. This may not be clear when You read it but it would be difficult for another. The line break only adds to the confusion. I am sure those words would retain the same meaning.

I consider removing
the clear plastic sleeve
slid over the stem
of my sun fire Gerbera Daisy

At the end, do you want to impart resolve or resignation? Hanging her head is acceptance (resigned) and raising it would be, to me, meeting her fate with strength, thus, resolve. I just wanted you to maybe think about what the sigh originally communicated. Lovely and lovelier. Thank you.

I do not think the word "they" refers to 'clear plastic sleeve' at all, but to "the world, daily life, etc." that Reltne referred to above.

To me, without the word "they," it is a whole different poem.

 

[champagne1982]

Re: Re: Re: Deflower or re-flower... help please

I do not think the word "they" refers to 'clear plastic sleeve' at all, but to "the world, daily life, etc." that Reltne referred to above.

To me, without the word "they," it is a whole different poem.

Thoughts are subjective but verb conjugation isn't ... if the word stays it should be written grammatically correct and thus the line would read, "they had slid". I gotta go, but interesting points.

 

[annaswirls]

I love this discussion. Not just because it is for my poem.

champagne, thank you for making me see why the "they" bugged me in the first place. What you say makes sense, and while I WANT the they to be there, to show the "nature" fightin' the man for making it something that it is not.....

but "they had slid" sounds godawful
hmmm


and as far as the ending AHHHH this was the exact trouble I had in the first place!!

This is all part of the homily I am giving at church this sunday... the part about being connected, really connected to the point of becoming one with our surroundings.

I guess I had better figure out the fate of my flower.

Or maybe that will be the point of the example.

hmm


I think in real life I pushed the sleeve back up.
The poor girl needed help, maybe she had been asking for it all along
I know I stand straight because of the plastic sleeves many people have given to me.

hmmm




oh damn

such thoughts over a flower


but it is NOT about a flower, it is about US! The BIG us!


Thank you bluesky, reltne, maria, tara, champagne for this discussion, it is so cool to be able to express views like this.

~anna