Definitely Dom...but where to start?!

CarrotandStick

Really Experienced
Joined
Apr 21, 2006
Posts
105
Okay, here goes; thanks to Lit (mostly chat) I've worked out that I very much enjoy being a Dom (and for those looking for wannabe signs, I know that it's not primarily about power. Admittedly, anyone wanting to test my Dommness (I think that's a word) is welcome to, I think it'd be enlightening). So here I am, a 21 y.o. inexperienced male in Melbourne, Australia - what do I do? Where do I go? What do I read? Anyone want to chat with or teach me?

At risk of sniggers, throw me a bone here people. =)

Thanks in advance,
Daniel.
 
CarrotandStick said:
Okay, here goes; thanks to Lit (mostly chat) I've worked out that I very much enjoy being a Dom (and for those looking for wannabe signs, I know that it's not primarily about power. Admittedly, anyone wanting to test my Dommness (I think that's a word) is welcome to, I think it'd be enlightening). So here I am, a 21 y.o. inexperienced male in Melbourne, Australia - what do I do? Where do I go? What do I read? Anyone want to chat with or teach me?

At risk of sniggers, throw me a bone here people. =)

Thanks in advance,
Daniel.
Start with the BDSM Library sticky, and hopefully someone will be along shortly with a list of good books. There are plenty of great websites and BDSM forums out there, too, if you google.

You might meet people in the BDSM Personals Forum (you're likely not going to get a lot of positive responses to (veiled) ads in here, since this is for discussion, education and community), and there are lots of others free and paid BDSM personals sites to check out as well. However, I'd suggest researching, using a checklist and figuring out what specifically you're looking for before trying to find a submissive.

You can also find out what's in your local community. Many have informal, social gatherings, workshops and playspaces where you can meet people with common interests and learn. I've found community members in general to be extremely generous with their time and knowledge, especially when it comes to helping newbies. You may also consider finding a mentor to help you guide you on your journey.
 
Ok here it goes. Take notes.

As SweetErika said there is some good information about BDSM in the Library and yes there are some decent websites as well as books, but I am not going to recommend any of that. Instead I am going to offer the following peice of advice to one who is just starting out.

First. Being dominant is not some role you aspire to be. Rather is more about being who you are. Only you can determine if your dominant or not and you don't have to prove anything to anyone except yourself. There is a difference at working at trying to be dominant and just expressing who you are. Learning how to better express your dominance is however something worth the effort.

IF

You are looking for BDSM type play, then you should concentrate on your skills and abilities so that you can gain confidence in yourself. This also translates to radiating confidence to others. It is here I recommend that you attend some worshops at a local dungeon and or join a group where you might find someone with some experience willing to teach you. You can make good use of books and websites as resources to learn about certain skills. The bottom line is you need to spend some time practicing and developing skill if this is going to be your focus. Granted this doesn't have to be a boring process, finding others who are willing to practice with you can be alot of fun. It all in how you approach it.

IF

You are looking for more of a D/s relationship, then you should concentrate upon your character and begin understanding yourself better. The goal of which is to find someone who is compatible with you. There are many types of Doms and many types of submissives. Some submissives are more service oreinted and some are more obedience oreinted. Some have some masochistic leanings and some do not. It is important that you know yourself and what it is you want, and the know what type of submissive personality best suits you. Many times this is not the kind of information you can get out of a book, it is imparted more through meetings others and having experiences. The bottom line here is that if you are going to enter into a D/s relationship with someone and fulfill the role of domiant in that relationship, then you need to know, or at least have some general idea of what that means to you. That way before you get into a relationship, you stand a much better chance at finding someone who is more compatible to you.

If you want both, then add the two above together.

There is no need to rush. Right now is a very exciting time for you as a whole new world is opeing up to you. Enjoy it. Don't get so caught up in the details that you don't allow yourself to enjoy the journey. There is no final destination to be reached here. Its about both, enjoying the moment and having a desire for more. Keeping a good balance between these two will ensure that you grow, but that the growth you experience will be enjoyable.

Last peice of advice, don't let others define the path you choose to walk. Don't read some book and decide that you have to be such in such in order to be "fill in the blank". Just be real, be authentic, be yourself. If you do that, then you will see that there are submissives and slaves that will be drawn to the dominant in you.

Good luck on your journey,

~RJ
 
Thanks all!

Thanks to the both of you for such verbose replies, Consider the wisdom imparted therein heeded.
Speaking of wisdom, where would I locate such groups in my area?
Thanks again.
 
Yay, Google!

Right in front of my nose...and now for some fine print reading...thank you both for your input, and any other comments (or commenters) would be appreciated!
Happy hunting all,
Daniel.
 
CarrotandStick said:
any other comments (or commenters) would be appreciated!
I'd like to make a comment about this part of your sig line:

"My shoulder devil says I have a Dominant streak. My shoulder angel pretends not to hear and twiddles his thumbs..."

I understand feeling conflicted between kinky desires and one's ethical base. It took me years to make peace with myself in this regard.

One strategy that ultimately helped me was to stop viewing my inner Dom as a devil figure, and instead start viewing him as the guy in charge. He is the brains of the operation, the organizer, the planner, the decision-maker, and the arbiter of disputes between my inner sadist, my inner horny guy, my inner Superego, etc.

As ironic as it may sound, this conscious personification of various forces in my head has helped me to feel less like a guy torn in two between right & wrong, and more like a single, ethical human being in charge of his own urges and destiny.
 
Now there's a thought...

Interesting observation;

JMohegan said:
I'd like to make a comment about this part of your sig line:

"My shoulder devil says I have a Dominant streak. My shoulder angel pretends not to hear and twiddles his thumbs..."

I understand feeling conflicted between kinky desires and one's ethical base. It took me years to make peace with myself in this regard.

One strategy that ultimately helped me was to stop viewing my inner Dom as a devil figure, and instead start viewing him as the guy in charge. He is the brains of the operation, the organizer, the planner, the decision-maker, and the arbiter of disputes between my inner sadist, my inner horny guy, my inner Superego, etc.

As ironic as it may sound, this conscious personification of various forces in my head has helped me to feel less like a guy torn in two between right & wrong, and more like a single, ethical human being in charge of his own urges and destiny.

Thank you for the observation on this! I wrote it mainly for humour, but it does raise a point. I don't see D/s as unethical; on the contrary, I think it requires the highest level of care and trust from both parties. But by and large I do connect basic desires with my primal side. My real shoulder devil is a horror to behold and stays in his cage for a vast majority of the time. The stand in is less evil and more...naughty. ;-) Just thought to clarify that, but thanks for the concern and observation!

Also;

Quint said:
Nothing important to add, I just like his name! Quite apropos.

But how do you interperet it? Only about 6 months after inventing that name did I realise that it had D/s connotations, much to my amusement I can tell you. It originally comes from my poor luck with women and the feeling of chasing the proverbial 'carrot on a stick', hence the name. Little tidbit for you.

Thanks all, keep the comments/replies coming! *basks in attention*
 
CarrotandStick said:
Thank you for the observation on this! I wrote it mainly for humour, but it does raise a point. I don't see D/s as unethical; on the contrary, I think it requires the highest level of care and trust from both parties. But by and large I do connect basic desires with my primal side. My real shoulder devil is a horror to behold and stays in his cage for a vast majority of the time. The stand in is less evil and more...naughty. ;-) Just thought to clarify that, but thanks for the concern and observation!
You're quite welcome.

You described yourself in the opening post as inexperienced, so I'll offer a quick heads up in response to your comments here.

As with most things, the way D/s looks from the outside can be very different from the way it feels when you actually experience it.

It is wonderful to embrace the philosophy that the "highest level of care and trust from both parties" is involved. Nevertheless, many Tops or Dominants struggle with very conflicting emotions when they start out engaging in pain play and actually exerting control.

Guilt is normal. Confusion is normal. The outraged voice of your own conscience & a lifetime of societal messages shrieking in your head is normal too.
 
Guilt is also interesting. The "stuff" you bring is both really really dangerous and really really hot.

And I also see a certain measure of...being clued into the ironies shall we say...about power, gender, position etc. when you are playing to be healthy.
 
Last edited:
Thank you Netzach and JMohegan for further insights. Yes, I realise that the internal conflict is inevitable, but I also feel that D/s is more a lifestyle choice than an ethical one, more of a 'can we' than a 'should we', so to speak.
If I do come to a crashing emotional halt, I'll let you know, hey? :)
 
RJMasters said:
Ok here it goes. Take notes.

As SweetErika said there is some good information about BDSM in the Library and yes there are some decent websites as well as books, but I am not going to recommend any of that. Instead I am going to offer the following peice of advice to one who is just starting out.

First. Being dominant is not some role you aspire to be. Rather is more about being who you are. Only you can determine if your dominant or not and you don't have to prove anything to anyone except yourself. There is a difference at working at trying to be dominant and just expressing who you are. Learning how to better express your dominance is however something worth the effort.

IF

You are looking for BDSM type play, then you should concentrate on your skills and abilities so that you can gain confidence in yourself. This also translates to radiating confidence to others. It is here I recommend that you attend some worshops at a local dungeon and or join a group where you might find someone with some experience willing to teach you. You can make good use of books and websites as resources to learn about certain skills. The bottom line is you need to spend some time practicing and developing skill if this is going to be your focus. Granted this doesn't have to be a boring process, finding others who are willing to practice with you can be alot of fun. It all in how you approach it.

IF

You are looking for more of a D/s relationship, then you should concentrate upon your character and begin understanding yourself better. The goal of which is to find someone who is compatible with you. There are many types of Doms and many types of submissives. Some submissives are more service oreinted and some are more obedience oreinted. Some have some masochistic leanings and some do not. It is important that you know yourself and what it is you want, and the know what type of submissive personality best suits you. Many times this is not the kind of information you can get out of a book, it is imparted more through meetings others and having experiences. The bottom line here is that if you are going to enter into a D/s relationship with someone and fulfill the role of domiant in that relationship, then you need to know, or at least have some general idea of what that means to you. That way before you get into a relationship, you stand a much better chance at finding someone who is more compatible to you.

If you want both, then add the two above together.

There is no need to rush. Right now is a very exciting time for you as a whole new world is opeing up to you. Enjoy it. Don't get so caught up in the details that you don't allow yourself to enjoy the journey. There is no final destination to be reached here. Its about both, enjoying the moment and having a desire for more. Keeping a good balance between these two will ensure that you grow, but that the growth you experience will be enjoyable.

Last peice of advice, don't let others define the path you choose to walk. Don't read some book and decide that you have to be such in such in order to be "fill in the blank". Just be real, be authentic, be yourself. If you do that, then you will see that there are submissives and slaves that will be drawn to the dominant in you.

Good luck on your journey,

~RJ

Thread Hijack

Hey RJ, good to see you again, bro!

/thread hijack
 
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