Deep Thinking...

[Guest]

I am reading a book that has me in deep thought. I have been thinking about missed opportunities but not true regret.

Passage from Dancing Naked At the Edge of Dawn:

"... Some part of myself that had risen up to see if it was safe to escape, to chase after a dream, to live how it wanted to live had crawled back down right inside of me, but only to a deeper place. I closed my eyes in that bed and saw myself as a real woman, a defined woman, as a woman of the world might see me, and I pulled the covers around my head in an embarrassed, hurried movement that I hoped would make me invisible..."

I wonder if anyone feels like I do. I feel that I have reached a point in my life where I can look back and see, really see, the choices I have made and the reasons for them...good, bad, or indifferent.
What is holding you back, or for that matter, what? Remember when you were 16 and the future seemed endless and possibilites were wrapped about you like a fine spider's web, ready for you to crawl or fly into? Did you let yourself become ensnared or did you fly into that realm?
Quickly, think of one thing you need to do for you today....will you do it? why or why not?

~v, deep in thought

 

[Guest]

I will pretend not to be talking to myself. Though, it doesn't really matter one iota. Today, I will dance around the house and sing at the top of my lungs because I feel like it. I will ignore the cleaning and the work that 'should be done'...because of some false sense of responcibility drilled into me by house wives the world over.

I WANT TO FEEL HAPPINESS GLIDE OVER MY BODY LIKE COOL TENDRILS OF WATER, FILLING EVERY SPACE AVAILABLE AND LEAVING EVERYTHING TO CHANCE.

today is for me. today is for you. use it wisely and revel in it completely...

~v, lost in thought

 

[impressive]

Enjoy your introspection, gorgeous.

 

[Guest]

Enjoy your introspection, gorgeous.

thank you sweetie. i intend to...as i am feeling a bit on the power curve of life...no idea why but im going to grab it and hold on for dear life.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

thank you sweetie. i intend to...as i am feeling a bit on the power curve of life...no idea why but im going to grab it and hold on for dear life.

that is fabulous.

 

[minsue]

thank you sweetie. i intend to...as i am feeling a bit on the power curve of life...no idea why but im going to grab it and hold on for dear life.

Good girl.

 

[Guest]

overwhelming smiles.
i wish...
we could gather together at the edge of dawn and seize who we really are...share our strength and take control of things that matter to us.
what really matters?
love?
peace?
strength of will?
what is your truth?
why do you get out of bed in the morning and drudge through the monotony? do you have a plan? can you see past the dishes, the laundry, the paycheck? if tomorrow you had everything you needed for comfort, what would you do for you?....
what would you do to fulfill the need, desire to ...what?

 

[ABSTRUSE]

From my novel...filled with deep thoughts...

The vortex in my head sometimes caused me to do things that were against my nature. If you stuck a sheet of blank paper inside my head and pulled it out you would have a spin art painting of kaleidoscopic thoughts and memories. Like a forensic scientist can look at blood spatter to determine the angle of impact from which the weapon was utilized, the spatter of my cranial contents would determine the mental state I was in at a given time.
Bright hues and large amounts of material violently splayed would conclude I was excitable. Pastels would be rare indicating that I was feeling very content and at peace. Monochromatic tones of gray, black and white would be randomly spattered without much effort being put forth.
There are days when the vortex is a tiny tempest like a snow globe lightly shaken and the bits of information slowly swirl before falling over the miniature landscape. Other days it’s a full force hurricane that imbeds splinters of emotion into my brain that await a meditation to come and clear the debris away.
I sometimes wonder when I’m observing people what is going on inside of their heads. A person can seem reasonably calm while inside an eruption may be waiting to take place. Human emotions can be unpredictable and the mind can be a petri dish where imagination and thought can incubate. Under the right conditions new and wonderful ideas can hatch and grow, if not, they will die before they have the chance to become dreams or realities. Every now and then visions are transplanted into the heart where the spirit turns them into hopes and if they become realizations the heart, mind and soul reverberate harmoniously.
I find it best these days to think like a child in vibrant colors and shapes without any intricate patterns or designs. Unsophisticated, primitive and joyful thoughts that can fly free without fear of repression or censure to places of independent exploration. There is no refuting that children have a pure thought process and aren’t obligated to follow the extreme norms that adults place on themselves. They question everything and seek knowledge in unique perspectives by asking simply ‘why’ or ‘how’. They sample the world with untarnished palates coming to the conclusion that some things are good and some are bad.
I’m not so arrogant to profess that this is the ideal model by which to now live our lives. Coming from me it would seem most hypocritical. I’ll just label it under “Food for Thought”. How appropriate seeing that my life revolves around food but my craving goes beyond the comestible consumables that feed my body, it also hungers for the stimulation brought on by a desire of acquiring a higher acumen that feeds the mind.
My spirit is fed by what I’ve learned from my mind and body. I’m a firm believer that the connection of all three is key to my existence. My aches and pains remind me of my mortality, my religious viewpoints are defined by my moral beliefs and my logic in necessitating a journey into unknown spiritual planes and exploring faith in my own tentative way. I need only to interweave this all into the fabric of my existence and become whole and healed.

 

[Guest]

and the mind can be a petri dish where imagination and thought can incubate.

beautiful...brilliant thought process.
how very wonderful to see the inside of someone, if only for a brief moment.
its almost like jumping off a plane and floating ...falling into knowledge...
i never want to land

 

[ABSTRUSE]

beautiful...brilliant thought process.
how very wonderful to see the inside of someone, if only for a brief moment.
its almost like jumping off a plane and floating ...falling into knowledge...
i never want to land

I should have added:

I need to do this not because of what happened to Sophie or Mary Jo, not because of living with my dysfunctional family and dealing with the repressed memories of long ago angst and joy. I need to do this because it feels right. I need to stop thinking on how the world has impacted me but how I will impact the world. What I leave behind may or may not be relevant to the growth of society but it may be a crumb that feeds another seeker as myself.

 

[Guest]

I should have added:

I need to do this not because of what happened to Sophie or Mary Jo, not because of living with my dysfunctional family and dealing with the repressed memories of long ago angst and joy. I need to do this because it feels right. I need to stop thinking on how the world has impacted me but how I will impact the world. What I leave behind may or may not be relevant to the growth of society but it may be a crumb that feeds another seeker as myself.

what you do does impact the growth of society even if on a small or basic level.
equal...opposite reactions...its a law!
the other day an elderly black man who works at the local grocery helped me to the car. i didnt ask him to. i didnt need him to but he did it anyway. it was so hot that i was instantly soaked through with sweat and i remarked on the heat...he just smiled a wise smile and said he had no complaints. i wanted to go home with him and just listen, watch him...see his serenity and greedily steal some of it for myself.
watching is the answer sometimes. watch and see ...learn and apply.

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

There are days when the vortex is a tiny tempest like a snow globe lightly shaken and the bits of information slowly swirl before falling over the miniature landscape. Other days it’s a full force hurricane that imbeds splinters of emotion into my brain that await a meditation to come and clear the debris away.

that was almost as if you were in my head...

Profound piece Abs, very profound.

Between you and vella my brain is getting a bit of a work out today.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I think, for me, that as you age you seek out more to learn, but from a more spiritual stand point. When you peel off all the residual layers of what you've been told as a child was right, and see the world with open eyes and question things with honesty you find yourself standing smack dab in the middle of your life.
There is a clarity that transcends over you that reveals the vast amount of possibilities that life has to offer. The next question is do you take the risks?

 

[mismused]

delete

 

[Guest]

that was almost as if you were in my head...

Profound piece Abs, very profound.

Between you and vella my brain is getting a bit of a work out today.

its cool to think deep sometimes. and sometimes, being deep is pretty damn shallow...almost selfish but dont we deserve that? dont we need that to survive or just for serenity?

sometimes, when you are swimming, you have to dive deep to rest.


ps, i miss your thumb. *grin*

 

[ABSTRUSE]

======================================================

What a beautiful mind you have. I'm going to cuddle up with it in my mind right now for a while.

You are way too good for my ego, keep strokin.

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

In honor of vella, the return of the thumb.

complete with festive hawaiian print shirt background in honor of contemplating a life well lived.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Damn you vella for making me think.

 

[Guest]

In honor of vella, the return of the thumb.

complete with festive hawaiian print shirt background in honor of contemplating a life well lived.

and that, is quite an honor... thank you, handsome.

Absy, i didnt make you do anything you werent ready to do on your own...
i love ya babe
its easy, once you decide to let go.

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

and that, is quite an honor... thank you, handsome.
:

*blush*

vella thinks I'm handsome. Or have a sexy thumb at least

 

[ABSTRUSE]

and that, is quite an honor... thank you, handsome.

Absy, i didnt make you do anything you werent ready to do on your own...
i love ya babe
its easy, once you decide to let go.

I'm glad I share the brain with you, bruises and all.

 

[Lady_Kit]

I wonder if anyone feels like I do. I feel that I have reached a point in my life where I can look back and see, really see, the choices I have made and the reasons for them...good, bad, or indifferent.
What is holding you back, or for that matter, what? Remember when you were 16 and the future seemed endless and possibilites were wrapped about you like a fine spider's web, ready for you to crawl or fly into? Did you let yourself become ensnared or did you fly into that realm?
Quickly, think of one thing you need to do for you today....will you do it? why or why not?

~v, deep in thought

I was 16 once, but it seems like an eternity ago. Between my 16th & 17th birthdays I got pregnant, got married and quit school. I've been an adult ever since; a prisoner tightly bound in a web of guilt, shame and responsibility. The day I found out I was pregnant I think the part of me that planned for a happy future just died. I was never able to find that place again. The consequences of my actions, and the shame I felt, put too much distance between the girl of 16 and the 17 year old wife and mother. It hurt to leave my "childhood" behind, to see others having the life I wanted. So I shielded myself with stubborn pride and vowed that I would make my marriage work. My children would have a better life than I had had, no matter what I gave up. I would not be just another tick on the tally sheet of someone calculating how many teen pregnancies / marriages fail.

More than 25 years have passed since then. A second child, divorce, life as a single parent, and a loving husband have brought me to a place where I can at least feel content with my lot. For the most part, I like the woman I've become. I have regrets about small things like missing my prom, graduation, & spring breaks; and some big things like college and a chance to really find out how high I might have flown.

I'm not where I thought I'd be, but I'm a survivor, and probably a lot tougher than I would have been if my life was different.

What holds me back? My own self-doubt.

What do I need to do for me today? Give myself credit for doing the the best I could at each step of the way.

Thanks for reminding me to do that Vella.

 

[Guest]

What holds me back? My own self-doubt.

What do I need to do for me today? Give myself credit for doing the the best I could at each step of the way.

Thanks for reminding me to do that Vella.

thank you, Lady, for sharing your reality...your nemesis of self-doubt.
what i see? maybe, just maybe you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for...maybe, just maybe your color, your truth is that the shape of your world is getting to be just what you need it to be.
BRAVA~~~~

the day i got married at 18 years....i cried. not tears of missing youth but tears of mistake. huge, nameless tears that threatened to drown me. i knew then that it was a mistake but i felt powerless to change it. so, for nearly 17 years i lived with what i thought was something i couldnt change. comfortable in my misery.
god how sick...comfortable in my misery...
but
there is always a but. how i learned! i did what i had to do at that point in time because i had to learn. god i have changed! not better or worse just changed. wiser? probably. but i know there is so much more...im greedy for it like the next breath of air that might never come.
i choose
i choose and its a beautiful, wonderful thing. i never intend to let go.

 

[mismused]

delete

 

[ABSTRUSE]

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