decisions, decisions...

[Quiet_Cool]

Go with yer heart

It's not the heart it works on.



Q_C

 

[arienette]

I am a pile of inconsistency. I always follow my emotional feelings in every decision I make and have made; granted, while being diagnosed as Manic Depressive you can say that this is not always a good way to be and go about making decisions in your life. Sometimes I look at my life and regret almost ever decision I have made. I think of how I could be now - how much better off I can be right now. I could have finished high school at the top of my class, I could have went to my dream college and studied my one consistent passion in life. I could be enjoying the summer after my first year of college right now.

Other times I think about the decisions I have made and feel no regret. No remorse for the dreams I let flutter by, no pitying my father for the "mistakes" that I have made. He never told me, but he wanted more for me. More than working a dead end job for the rest of my life. The day I got expelled from high school I talked to him on the phone in the principal's office and he asked me about college, since I had already been accepted. The pain in his voice still haunts me. But no, sometimes I don't think about that at all and focus my attention on what my goal was, since I began "fucking up", as I sometimes call it. Independence. I wanted to prove to myself that I could accomplish something, anything on my own. If I couldn't excell with my education I could become a strong woman that my family could be proud of. I wanted to show myself that I could have some pride and I have done that many times.

I guess what I'm getting at is that the way I go about making decisions is sometimes toxic, but nevertheless they are my decisions that I have made and even if I did fail at everything I have set out to do, it's up to me to try to fix things. To try to become the woman I want to be.

 

[S-Des]

I am a pile of inconsistency. I always follow my emotional feelings in every decision I make and have made; granted, while being diagnosed as Manic Depressive you can say that this is not always a good way to be and go about making decisions in your life. Sometimes I look at my life and regret almost ever decision I have made. I think of how I could be now - how much better off I can be right now. I could have finished high school at the top of my class, I could have went to my dream college and studied my one consistent passion in life. I could be enjoying the summer after my first year of college right now.

Other times I think about the decisions I have made and feel no regret. No remorse for the dreams I let flutter by, no pitying my father for the "mistakes" that I have made. He never told me, but he wanted more for me. More than working a dead end job for the rest of my life. The day I got expelled from high school I talked to him on the phone in the principal's office and he asked me about college, since I had already been accepted. The pain in his voice still haunts me. But no, sometimes I don't think about that at all and focus my attention on what my goal was, since I began "fucking up", as I sometimes call it. Independence. I wanted to prove to myself that I could accomplish something, anything on my own. If I couldn't excell with my education I could become a strong woman that my family could be proud of. I wanted to show myself that I could have some pride and I have done that many times.

I guess what I'm getting at is that the way I go about making decisions is sometimes toxic, but nevertheless they are my decisions that I have made and even if I did fail at everything I have set out to do, it's up to me to try to fix things. To try to become the woman I want to be.

Just so you know, mistakes you make in that part of your life are still fixable. I flew through every test they threw at me, being placed in every advanced class and given every opportunity to succeed. I graduated, but did it 110 out of 111 students (and having to attend summer school to make it). My ACT scores actually got me a number of good chances with colleges, but one look at my transcripts ended that. I tried Junior College, but failed out. I worked a number of jobs with no discernable goal for seven or eight years.

Finally, I got my shit together and put myself through tech school. I finished the first year with a straight A average and graduated on the honor roll. I taught myself enough computer skills to land high paying jobs doing Help Desk support, software testing, and even some low level web site development. I'm still paying for some of my mistakes, but I definitely turned it around. Occasionally I kick myself for all the dumb decisions I've made, but there's nothing I can do about it now except make the best of where I'm at.

Never doubt that you can still make your life a "success" (however you judge that). Just one old guy's opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

 

[arienette]

Just so you know, mistakes you make in that part of your life are still fixable. I flew through every test they threw at me, being placed in every advanced class and given every opportunity to succeed. I graduated, but did it 110 out of 111 students (and having to attend summer school to make it). My ACT scores actually got me a number of good chances with colleges, but one look at my transcripts ended that. I tried Junior College, but failed out. I worked a number of jobs with no discernable goal for seven or eight years.

Finally, I got my shit together and put myself through tech school. I finished the first year with a straight A average and graduated on the honor roll. I taught myself enough computer skills to land high paying jobs doing Help Desk support, software testing, and even some low level web site development. I'm still paying for some of my mistakes, but I definitely turned it around. Occasionally I kick myself for all the dumb decisions I've made, but there's nothing I can do about it now except make the best of where I'm at.

Never doubt that you can still make your life a "success" (however you judge that). Just one old guy's opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Ari made me want to post this, but it's not directed at just her: I want to share an important conceptual tool:

“Eudaimonia” (or eudemonia) is each individual’s ultimate "telos" or purpose, which is lifelong human flourishing. Here are some more definitions:

‘The Greek word "eudaimonia" for "life" or "the good life," taking the Greek term to mean "well being." Thus, one may also say that telos or natural purpose of humans is eudaimonia. (Like me, the person who wrote this one believes that your purpose in life is your own happiness, or eudaimonia.)

‘Flourishing, however, means something like the successful pursuit of a vast array of physical, mental, and spiritual goods in the context of a life-long plan of values.’

" . . . to live in accordance with the best in human nature . . .”

To me, perhaps the key phrase is "lifelong flourishing."

I don't think the following applies to your situation, Nirvana, but here is what I say to young people when this subject comes up:

My most painful regrets in life are having bypassed opportunities for self improvement in exchange for transitory pleasures or less rigorous lifestyle choices. When I came of age in a more libertine era I did not pass up many opportunities for thrills and sensation, and in hindsight they profited me little. For the most part they cost me little too, but to the extent they did exact a cost it was not worth it. The worst: I passed up a chance to get a PhD in a stimulating field, mostly to lead an easier life at the time. I only recognized years later that I had even made a choice.

My experience in weighing such cost/benefit equations has been that the "benefit" appears greater beforehand than it does in hindsight. If the cost is not high then it's no big deal. But if the cost is a path not taken toward eudaimonia, well . . . that is not good.

Related to this is the question of how life acquires meaning. For a lucky minority the focus of the search for meaning is vocation. (Which is why I so regret having bypassed earlier opportunities to join this minority.) But: "For most people -- including many older people who in their youths focused on vocation - life acquires meaning through the stuff of life: the elemental events associated with birth, death, growing up, raising children, paying the rent, dealing with adversity, comforting the bereaved, celebrating success, applauding the good and condemning the bad; coping with life as it exists around us in all its richness."

One last item: S-Des says: "Never doubt that you can still make your life a 'success' (however you judge that)." That is just so true. I wasted a lot of years, but when I finally decided to pursue my dreams it was not too late. Related to that, I am finishing up a Masters thesis soon – and I'm older than all but one of my profs.

 

[Huckleman2000]

I've been meaning to reply to this thread for a couple days, but Arienette's and Roxanne's posts pushed me to actually do it. Not literally, just in the sense of giving me a bit of courage.

In other threads, I've told about how I recently lost my job due to my position being eliminated, although I believe there are mitigating circumstances related to problems with my chronic depression. This isn't the first time, although in previous times it's clearly been a very bad situation for me, and there's a very low chance that I'd be successful in those situations in the long term anyway. Still, this was a good job and a good fit for me and they let me go.

Now I'm faced with a really tough decision. Do I continue in my current profession, despite a continued streak of "bad luck"? Should I sell my house and go back to school to complete a degree, the lack of which makes job searches REALLY difficult? If I went back to school, what would I major in? I know, "something you love", but I like doing a lot of things, and I love acting, and I love the entertainment idea, but I don't know if I want to go back to being poor. 25 years after the fact, I need health insurance, I need long-term therapy and maintainance medication, I can't wait tables, my parents are turning 80...

What the fuck am I supposed to do now!?

The one shining light is that my son is well taken care of by his mother and close to graduating college, so that responsibility has been lifted. But, he's been pretty much the defining responsibility of my life for the last 20 years, and I don't regret that in the least, but again:

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

I've been meaning to reply to this thread for a couple days, but Arienette's and Roxanne's posts pushed me to actually do it. Not literally, just in the sense of giving me a bit of courage.

In other threads, I've told about how I recently lost my job due to my position being eliminated, although I believe there are mitigating circumstances related to problems with my chronic depression. This isn't the first time, although in previous times it's clearly been a very bad situation for me, and there's a very low chance that I'd be successful in those situations in the long term anyway. Still, this was a good job and a good fit for me and they let me go.

Now I'm faced with a really tough decision. Do I continue in my current profession, despite a continued streak of "bad luck"? Should I sell my house and go back to school to complete a degree, the lack of which makes job searches REALLY difficult? If I went back to school, what would I major in? I know, "something you love", but I like doing a lot of things, and I love acting, and I love the entertainment idea, but I don't know if I want to go back to being poor. 25 years after the fact, I need health insurance, I need long-term therapy and maintainance medication, I can't wait tables, my parents are turning 80...

What the fuck am I supposed to do now!?

The one shining light is that my son is well taken care of by his mother and close to graduating college, so that responsibility has been lifted. But, he's been pretty much the defining responsibility of my life for the last 20 years, and I don't regret that in the least, but again:

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!

Best wishes, Huck. Beaming you a little sympathy.

My situation is somewhat different, but here's the turning point episode in my story: At an age that sounds about where you are, I closed up my house to join a three-month project that was focused around an individual who I greatly admired and respected (and who turned out to be one of the four people in my life with perfect character, as mentioned in my "Coming Together" tribute for Colly.) I rented a slum apartment in a town 100 miles away and worked for nothing. Pretty much I just showed up and said, "I'm here to work, what do you need done? Any floors need sweeping . . ? You don't have to pay me. If there is any money you can pay me when you find out that I'm worth having around."

Long story short: I ended up doing a lot more than sweep floors - we smart, talented AH types who have been around the block a few times have learned a few things, and can be darned useful in the right situation . Because I was following my passions this was the right situation.

Well, that project ended, and I was back where I started - not quite. By getting involved I had made some contacts, and demonstrated my ability and passion. Nothing happened for a while, but a year later a door opened to a new career. I leaped through it. I did entry-level tasks alongside a lot of kids for a while, and didn't mind, because I accepted that I had to pay some dues. But - "smart, talented, experienced" - somehow there are never enough of those kind of people to go around, and in a very short time I was operating at a higher level. That launched my current career, which has frankly redeemed some of the worst youthful mistakes I described in the previous post. I am doing something I love and they even pay me a decent amount for it.

Like I say, everyone's situation is different. I don't say "do what I do and you will succeed." I realize that there were elements of luck in my situation, and particular circumstances than made it possible. I do have a sense that I made my own luck by putting myself in the way of opportunity, but I don't want to overstate that. Basically, I just wanted to share a hopeful, optimistic "Cinderella story" to back up what S-des said - it's (almost) never too late.

 

[fifty5]

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!

I can't answer that for you Huck, but I'm idiot enough to offer two bits of advice:

1. Don't waste energy worrying about anything you can't change: for instance, your age. Instead think about how that's an advantage (and even if it isn't, it's still no use worrying).
2. Whatever you go for, make sure it's something you actually do want - it's so much easier to take the shit (and there always is shit) when you know why you are doing it!

Both of those can be seen in Roxanne's post - and it seems to have come out right for her.

Good luck,

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

1. Don't waste energy worrying about anything you can't change: for instance, your age. Instead think about how that's an advantage (and even if it isn't, it's still no use worrying).

"Age and guile beat youth, innocence, beauty (and a bad haircut)."

 

[S-Des]

I've been meaning to reply to this thread for a couple days, but Arienette's and Roxanne's posts pushed me to actually do it. Not literally, just in the sense of giving me a bit of courage.

In other threads, I've told about how I recently lost my job due to my position being eliminated, although I believe there are mitigating circumstances related to problems with my chronic depression. This isn't the first time, although in previous times it's clearly been a very bad situation for me, and there's a very low chance that I'd be successful in those situations in the long term anyway. Still, this was a good job and a good fit for me and they let me go.

Now I'm faced with a really tough decision. Do I continue in my current profession, despite a continued streak of "bad luck"? Should I sell my house and go back to school to complete a degree, the lack of which makes job searches REALLY difficult? If I went back to school, what would I major in? I know, "something you love", but I like doing a lot of things, and I love acting, and I love the entertainment idea, but I don't know if I want to go back to being poor. 25 years after the fact, I need health insurance, I need long-term therapy and maintainance medication, I can't wait tables, my parents are turning 80...

What the fuck am I supposed to do now!?

The one shining light is that my son is well taken care of by his mother and close to graduating college, so that responsibility has been lifted. But, he's been pretty much the defining responsibility of my life for the last 20 years, and I don't regret that in the least, but again:

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?!

I have no good advice for you because I'm about 15 years behind you. I had to leave the computer field when about 20,000 people in Illinois were laid off in a 6 month span. It flooded the market and there were no jobs (and me with a brand new child support arrangement). I found myself wedged in a job and starting a new business to make ends meet, but with little future to either. My daughter's 6 and I happily am putting off my life while I care for her.

The question that scares me, what happens later when she's building her own life? I'll be older, with less job prospects. Right now I'm living on a wing and a prayer; no health insurance, not making enough to put away for my future, and knowing I'm one hospital stay away from bankruptcy. At what point do I tell my daughter that daddy has to get a better job for her future, so he can't see her as much? Her mom and I hate each other, so the only reason I see her as much as I do is because I have sacrificed in the job area (two part time jobs at odd times so that I have days free to visit her at daycare where her mother can't stop me).

It's a question I haven't been able to answer for myself. But I worry a lot about finding myself in your situation in 15 years. Sometimes we make mistakes that turn out well (with a beautiful, loving child), but put the rest of our lives into a never-ending drama that simply can't end well. It's truly frightening.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Best wishes to S-des. It must be very hard. I hate platitudes, but it also sounds like you have the character qualities that make ultimate success more likely.

 

[Huckleman2000]

I have no good advice for you because I'm about 15 years behind you. I had to leave the computer field when about 20,000 people in Illinois were laid off in a 6 month span. It flooded the market and there were no jobs (and me with a brand new child support arrangement). I found myself wedged in a job and starting a new business to make ends meet, but with little future to either. My daughter's 6 and I happily am putting off my life while I care for her.

The question that scares me, what happens later when she's building her own life? I'll be older, with less job prospects. Right now I'm living on a wing and a prayer; no health insurance, not making enough to put away for my future, and knowing I'm one hospital stay away from bankruptcy. At what point do I tell my daughter that daddy has to get a better job for her future, so he can't see her as much? Her mom and I hate each other, so the only reason I see her as much as I do is because I have sacrificed in the job area (two part time jobs at odd times so that I have days free to visit her at daycare where her mother can't stop me).

It's a question I haven't been able to answer for myself. But I worry a lot about finding myself in your situation in 15 years. Sometimes we make mistakes that turn out well (with a beautiful, loving child), but put the rest of our lives into a never-ending drama that simply can't end well. It's truly frightening.

Yes, it is. *sigh*
Even so, kids don't stay children very long, and time you put in now is reassurance that you'll have time with her when it's her own decision. Maybe when she's in school, you'll have a bit more leeway in the job, although not as much opportunity to see her.

Sometimes the best we can do is just to carry on.