Decide?

[little_girl]

*takes a deep breath* ....Here goes... I need help. I don't know who I am. All these lables..Gay, Straight, Bi and everything else.... It's so confusing. Plus the whole monogamy/ slut I don't know thing. Here is a bit about me: I'm a girl (pretty obvious by my nic) I like boys. I like sleeping with boys. So much so that I seem to have a reputation as a slut in my hometown for the simple fact that I like to sleep with one then decide that another might be better and off I go... However, I fantasize about women. When I was in elementary school I had 2 girlfriends before I ever had a boyfriend. I like to go to the gay bar and kiss the girls. I've dated a couple women. I have never slept with a girl, but I want to. I just don't think I've met the right one yet. And as for the boys, after I've been with them once or twice it's like I get bored and need something else. I've been in a couple long term relationships where we've discussed it and experimented and so forth but I seem to be pretty vanilla as far as that goes. I want monogamy but need variety at the same time. I fantasise about having more than one person at the same time. I think I would have a better chance at a long term relationship with a woman than with a man but I would miss the sex. Argh! I don't even know if I'm posting this in the right place... I feel like I need a love relationship and then a totally seperate sex relationship. Is that possible? Any feedback, comments, questions, anything at all would be much appreciated.... Thank you. (sorry for the longness)

 

[LukkyKnight]

.. I feel like I need a love relationship and then a totally seperate sex relationship. Is that possible? Any feedback, comments, questions, anything at all would be much appreciated.... Thank you. (sorry for the longness)

Possible? Certainly.

Likely? Not so much.

We all like to kiss girls, they just kiss better. Most also fantasize about "having more than one person at the same time" and some few even make it work, but if you read much here you'll find plenty of cases where the lesson is that it's much more common for people to end up hurt than happy. Fantasies are fine, but they aren't all meant to be lived.

Of course, we get hurt a lot in traditional dating/mating rituals, too, unless and until we settle on that one person we can stay with for the long haul.

Advice? Try to figure out who you really are, then you might be ready for a relationship - but you can't go out and hunt down a relationship, you can only be open to it, make friends, and see where it goes. They're like cats in that you pretty much can't catch romantic relationships by chasing (men or women.)

 

[Weird Harold]

*takes a deep breath* ....Here goes... I need help. I don't know who I am. All these lables..Gay, Straight, Bi and everything else.... It's so confusing. Plus the whole monogamy/ slut I don't know thing.

Don't worry about labels, just be who you are and let the label-makers go bark up a tree.

 

[jerseyman1963]

Who says you have to decide to be anything? Can't you just be yourself?

Just being yourself is hard sometimes, because it means defying the expectations that other people (parents, friends, society at large) may have of you. Everyone feels better if they can describe you with a neat, simple label: straight, gay, man, woman, American, Canadian, etc. But sometimes life is not actually that simple.

It might make other people feel better to describe you with one or two words, but does it make YOU feel better? Therefore, just be yourself, any way that makes you happy, and let everyone else worry about how comfortable (or not) they feel about you. That's their problem, not yours. As long as you feel good about yourself and your life, don't worry about how other people feel about your life. And when you're being yourself, when someone comes along who feels comfortable about that too, then you're going to discover a real true friend.

How old are you? It sounds a bit like you're in your early 20's, in which case you're probably just going through the usual trials and tribulations of any young person trying to figure out who they are and how they want to live their own life on their own terms - and not on society's or mommy and daddy's terms.

I couldn't quite get a picture of just how sexually active you are. Do some people think you're a slut because your sexual openess makes them jealous and/or or uncomfortable with their own sexuality? Or do some people think you're a slut because you are getting down with a large number of men and women?

If they're just uncomfortable with a woman who is up front about her sexuality, again, I think that's their problem, not yours. But if they're uncomfortable because you really are sleeping with huge numbers of people at random, then that's something you should think about. Being a sexual person is fine and dandy, but sometimes it's possible that a person can be channeling something else that is bothering or troubling them into too much sexual activity.

That's a question that you need to think about, in my humble opinion... are you super sexually active because you like it, and like connecting with people in thast way, or is it because you're channeling some other frustration or problem into that behavior?

For example, if you just dig the act, fine. But if you're sleeping with people too often or too soon because you think it's going to help you snare true love, or because it will help you temporarily forget something else that's bothering you, well, that's probably not going to happen, and you may need to do some other kind of personal work to solve that problem.

And above all else, I hope you're being safe, and practicing safe sex, using birth control and disease preventation measures (ie condoms plus other forms of birth control) and not randomly going home with people you don't know too well who could pose a physical threat to you.

And as you said... sorry for the longness!

 

[SweetErika]

The opposite of monogamy isn't slut, it's nonmonogamy (whether that means swinging, some form of polyamory or polyfidelity, having a partner of each sex, or whatever you want to make of it). There are many people who prefer and/or are oriented toward nonmonogamy - perhaps you're just one of them, and that's okay. There are people who are happy being monogamous with a partner who's not, if that's one of your concerns.

Labels can be useful when we're trying to explain something more quickly (e.g. "I'm bi and poly, but more interested in parallel monogamy" lets others know I like men, women, and concurrent, loving relationships), but there's no need to label yourself or make big decisions right now. Just take some time to learn part of who you are and what you'd like to do. If you want to have sex and/or relationships with women, go for it. If you want to learn about and explore different relationship styles, threesomes/group sex, or anything else that won't hurt anyone, do so!

I know how confusing, scary and frustrating this kind of thing can be. Dwelling on those feelings and the unknown didn't help me at all; finding the courage to sort things out and explore did. Take baby steps with the knowledge that whatever you find, as long as it's your true self, will lead to happiness and fulfillment.

 

[little_girl]

I couldn't quite get a picture of just how sexually active you are. Do some people think you're a slut because your sexual openess makes them jealous and/or or uncomfortable with their own sexuality? Or do some people think you're a slut because you are getting down with a large number of men and women?

If they're just uncomfortable with a woman who is up front about her sexuality, again, I think that's their problem, not yours. But if they're uncomfortable because you really are sleeping with huge numbers of people at random, then that's something you should think about. Being a sexual person is fine and dandy, but sometimes it's possible that a person can be channeling something else that is bothering or troubling them into too much sexual activity.

For example, if you just dig the act, fine. But if you're sleeping with people too often or too soon because you think it's going to help you snare true love, or because it will help you temporarily forget something else that's bothering you, well, that's probably not going to happen, and you may need to do some other kind of personal work to solve that problem.

It's not that I sleep with a lot of people, (I'm barely into double digits) I just Date a lot of people. Nothing ever seems right... ANd I know that jumping into bed with someone isnt a path to true love. I'm saying that with the people that I've been with it always seems like something is missing.


And a lot of people say to me "go find yourself" How does one do that? where do you start to look??

 

[warrior queen]

And a lot of people say to me "go find yourself" How does one do that? where do you start to look??

that is the single most irritating bit of advice!
"go find yourself'... yeah right.

no-one ever tells you exactly HOW to go about doing so, because no-one actually knows how to do this!

to me, if you're being true to yourself within your moral and ethical boundaries, then you are well on the way to security and awareness of self.

go with your inner flow - and i agree with Wierd Harold... the labelists can go jump

 

[trojan_man_co]

confused?

stop thinking of sexuality in terms of labels, people use labels to help describe who they are, but labels fall short of ever actualy being able to identify who a person is or what sexuality they are. think of sexuality as a spectrum. on one side your way way way straight, on the other side your way way way gay. directly in the middle you have bi sexual. every one is on this spectrum at some some point, it just depends at how far along a spectrum you are and what side your closes to that you tend to label your self, but all that really matters is your happy. if you like women then go for it. you can have just as amazing and satisfying sex with a woman than you can with a man. in our modern day society full of toys and costumes and other sexual devices you certinly have options to make it feel any way you want.

 

[jerseyman1963]

It's not that I sleep with a lot of people, (I'm barely into double digits) I just Date a lot of people. Nothing ever seems right... ANd I know that jumping into bed with someone isnt a path to true love. I'm saying that with the people that I've been with it always seems like something is missing. And a lot of people say to me "go find yourself" How does one do that? where do you start to look??

Here's the way I think about it. This may or may not be helpful to you, but it's helped me to put things in perspective and make sense of the often frustrating and random nature of human contact.

There are billions of people on the planet. In your life time you're only going to cross paths with a small portion of them. An even smaller portion of those people are the ones you're going to have a little something in common with, and thus become friends. But most of those people you're only going to become friends with because you just happned to be in the same time at the same place. That's your bond - same time, same place, and sort of the same interests and beliefs. But only "sort of" the same core opinions and beliefs, and once the time and place pass you by, most of those people are going to fade away. Not because you or they were bad people, but just because your shared bond was not that deep.

An even smaller portion of the people you become friends with, you will find a deeper bond, not just based on time and place, but based on something deeper - a real connection. And those are the people that your relationship with will transcend time and place, and they'll become your life long friends.

But the number of people you're going to have that kind of deep, deep connection with is a very, very small subset of everyone you'll ever meet in your whole life. it's rare, and it's special. That's why books and songs and plays and movies are written about it constantly - because it's so rare.

So I guess what I am saying is that if it seemed like something was missing with the people you've been with, it probably was - because that kind of mind / body / spiritual connection with someone is very rare. That's what makes it special.

So maybe you're just rushing things? Maybe you need to slow down the dating and be more selective? Maybe you just need to be a little more patient? I don't know you, so I couldn't possibly know.

But I do know that there's no easy recipe or direction manual for "finding yourself," and each of us has to do that for themselves in their own way, and find out for themselves what turns them on and off, and when you find it, be self assured enough to accept that and be able to tell the naysayers and negative people to go jump in the lake.

I'll give you one quick exapmple... I really like my job, and I work a lot. A number of people say to me how awful it is that I work such hours, but I like it, and I want to. It took me a long time to realize that although society says "workaholic" is a bad thing, that I don't agree. If I like it, and it turns me on and I feel fullfilled by my work, who's to say that's a bad thing? It works for me. I occassionally take that too far, and realize I do need a break once in a while, and when that happens, I make a course correction. But on balance, it works for me, and I've decided to let everyone else run their own lives, and I'll worry about mine according to what I think works for me.

It took some time to figure that out though, and you may just need to give yourself some more time, and be patient along the way. It's a life long process, and contrary to what the self help books and TV gurus and Hollywood movies tell us, it ain't easy, and there are no quick steps to "make" it happen over night.

Apologies for writing such a mini-treatise here. Once I got going I couldn't stop!

 

[silkybiblue]

breathe

OK, take a breath - relax about the label stuff - you will figure it all out in time - maybe later than sooner but it does come together eventually. Questioning is normal, many of us never figure it out and that becomes normal. Try not to get overly stressed, it won't make you figure things out faster. Go with what feels right and realize that what feels right now might not feel right in a year (or month or day) or two or ten for that matter. Be careful with decisions but try not to overanalyze and I have learned over time that going back in time with regrets over decisions doesn't help either....I may not have helped but know you are not alone

 

[Râleclins]

I know this is a discussion board that mostly deals about sex, on a sex website. But your personnality and identity aren't only based on your sexual preferences. I am sure you already have a lot that is defined : that you are a girl, your job (or lack thereof), your hobbies, your nationality, your personal skills... I am sure you, or your friends, can already describe a pretty good deal of you.

There're 40-year guys realizing they're gay just like there're executives realizing they've always dreamed to be cooks. That's maybe because they haven't asked themselves as many questions as you are asking yourself, so asking yourself questions can be a good thing. But that also means that you have your whole life to find out who you are. You can take it easy, without caring too much about the labels : SweetErika, as ever, has given you a wise word about them. Although I guess it must be easy to have a label stamped to your forehead if you live in a small town.

Safe journey !

 

[legman1]

All I can offer you is my experience and advice.

I'm 29 right now and I'm married. My wife and I are both bi and we have an open relationship.
Sexual tastes change like what you want to eat for dinner every night.
When they say to 'find yourself,' the best way to do that is to quit dating altogether. Buy some nice sex toys and watch some porn to handle your sexual desires. But go through and just live your life and figure out what you want in a partner. Make a list. Everything you want in that person. When you decide what you want, continue to live your life and just keep an eye open for someone that matches your list.


That is what I did when I met my wife. I hadn't been dating in over a year. I just quit trying so hard and when I least expected it, I found her.
I proposed to her on the second date and we were married 3 months later. It's been nearly 6 years now and I love her to death. She goes out once in a while with another guy or girl, but no one else can make her cum like I can.

Just quit pressuring yourself so much and relax. It's like trying to get dressed to fast because you're late for work. If you try to hard, you'll tear your shirt or in your case, run your pantyhose and then you'll be worse off than you were before. Live your life for you.

Also, if you like to read, check out a book called "Atlas Shrugged." It's about 50 years old and over 1000 pages, but it is one of the best books I ever read that helped me make sense out of my life.

 

[little_girl]

Thanks!

Thank you all so much for your excellent, thought provoking responses. There is so much wonderful advice here and some of it I will immediatly put into practice. Truely this is an exceptional community filled with exceptional minds.

 

[MagicFingers]

You sound like a normal young woman to me

Undecided, want guys, want girls, want threesomes.
So, go for it. Do what you want until you figure out what you want most.
Yes, you should be discrete about your relationships, especially in smaller towns, or tight communities where people talk. It's tough for a girl to get a bad reputation, hard to get around the rumors.

I don't think anyone here would label you a slut for sleeping with ten guys, well, maybe 10 at once. Nah, just kidding.
Don't worry about the labels. They mean nothing. I have written several scenes in my stories where women wind up making love to each other, but not one of them was a lesbian! (Not that there's anything wrong with that! as Seinfield would say) I just didn't want to label them. I like my characters to do whatever feels good to THEM, and the hell with society's morals and labels. And I believe people in real life can do the same thing to a large extent. Just don't let the reputation get out of hand. Like the Army says, "Don't ask, Don't tell."
It's only YOUR life!
And welcome to LIT.
MF

 

[pokytop]

what am I?

Thank you all so much for your excellent, thought provoking responses. There is so much wonderful advice here and some of it I will immediatly put into practice. Truely this is an exceptional community filled with exceptional minds.

Girl, you are YOU. You're unique and don't let anyone change you. I think the key is experimentation. Try different things until you know what your boundaries are. From there you can make yourself very clear to your potential partners.

BUT, ALWAYS PLAY SAFE, though and don't let anyone talk you into NOT doing so (guys are pigs, remember.) bareback always feels better but when I started sex didn't kill you unless the jealous partner/spouse/etc. caught you.

Labelers can just go F%&k themselves.

You'll do great!!

 

[naamplao]

I like sleeping with boys. So much so that I seem to have a reputation as a slut in my hometown for the simple fact that I like to sleep with one then decide that another might be better and off I go... However, I fantasize about women.

Well you don't really say where you come from but being from Alberta myself I'm thinking you must be from "smalltown" Alberta where everyone knows everyone else's business. That can be a problem for sure. If you lived in a larger centre like Calgary, Edmonton or Red Deer then it is less of an issue since you can be relatively anonymous.

You also sound rather young...always a problem if you are in your 20's for sure. The good news is that the best years are yet to come...believe it or not. It may not feel like it but there is lots of time to figure out what is right for you....there is absolutely no hurry. When I was in that decade, I was single and paniced because I was in my late 20's with only a few gf experiences. I felt the world was passing me by and all the eligible women would be snapped up and I would be left a bachelor for the rest of my life.....big mistake!!!!

I married the first woman who didn't say no, even though there was lots of warning signs and no love. Then what happened??? Well all of sudden opportunity appeared everywhere <sigh>, eventually I got out from under the problem.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to continue to explore your life. If you are career oriented then work on that. If you are living in a small town, perhaps consider moving to a larger centre to increase your options careerwise and continue to explore your sexual likes/dislikes. Eventually you will find your feelings narrowing and you will know what you want.

The key is knowing that if you are young (and 20's is young) there is LOTS of time. Explore and enjoy...don't rush thinking it is now or never...that is a recipe for future problems.

 

[fgarvb1]

*takes a deep breath* ....Here goes... I need help. I don't know who I am. All these lables..Gay, Straight, Bi and everything else.... It's so confusing. Plus the whole monogamy/ slut I don't know thing. Here is a bit about me: I'm a girl (pretty obvious by my nic) I like boys. I like sleeping with boys. So much so that I seem to have a reputation as a slut in my hometown for the simple fact that I like to sleep with one then decide that another might be better and off I go... However, I fantasize about women. When I was in elementary school I had 2 girlfriends before I ever had a boyfriend. I like to go to the gay bar and kiss the girls. I've dated a couple women. I have never slept with a girl, but I want to. I just don't think I've met the right one yet. And as for the boys, after I've been with them once or twice it's like I get bored and need something else. I've been in a couple long term relationships where we've discussed it and experimented and so forth but I seem to be pretty vanilla as far as that goes. I want monogamy but need variety at the same time. I fantasise about having more than one person at the same time. I think I would have a better chance at a long term relationship with a woman than with a man but I would miss the sex. Argh! I don't even know if I'm posting this in the right place... I feel like I need a love relationship and then a totally seperate sex relationship. Is that possible? Any feedback, comments, questions, anything at all would be much appreciated.... Thank you. (sorry for the longness)

..................................................................................................................................

LOL!

How Long have have you been here?

You will be OK. The important thing is you seem to be honest with yourself about what you want, the things do and why.

Do you have any ideal how much money and time people put into finding that kind of stuff out about themselves?

Don't worry about labels.

I might point out that you are at a place to meet people of a like mind no matter what your mind is like.


Be careful and get to know people a bit first.


Have fun.

 

[KokopelliRises]

Trying to figure out yourself is one of the hardest things to do. Trust me, I'm having problems with it right now, especially because I'm in the middle of a weird situation with people who seem to have their own selves figured out. I guess my only advice is to persevere and have confidence in yourself, not matter who you are, what you do, and how you feel.