DEATH -soon!

[Guest]

Fifty5

 

[ABSTRUSE]

If I was asked this question a few weeks ago, I would have answered that I welcome death with open arms.

Now, I would do as much as I possible could in the time I had left, I would close all rifts, share all I know and teach people how to look and 'see' all the beauty around them, even in Concentration camps, flowers would appear.
I would see the world with my new eyes.

 

[fifty5]

God! (I can't find another word that does this justice, even though I'm an atheist) the responses to my post touch me so deeply!

Actually, my own response was contentment. Looking back, I've done vitually everything I realistically wishedt, so DEATH ain't actually that big a deal for me. In comparison, a long old age with inadequte income seems far worse.

Anyway, to keep you up to date, I went to see the doc. He was reassuring: "It's routine when any abnormallity is found..."

Mind you, that's what he would say, wouldn't he.

As of now, I'm waiting for an appointment for a CT (Computer Tomography - I think) scan appointment. From what the doc says, that's a step short of MRI - they shoot x-rays through you from several directions so that they can build up a 3-d picture of the 'thing'.

I'll let you all know when that happens - and what the outcome is.

Anyway, the important (and amazing) thing is that to me it doesn't matter all that much.

I haven't stopped smoking.

I'm still drinking far too much alcohol.

The only thing I'd want different is to make love to another woman before I go (and I do mean 'make love', not just 'fuck'). (And, yes, there are a couple of specific ladies I have in mind.)

My mind boggles at that, but it's true.

f6 - also mind-boggled by the reactions my post has produced from friends and acquaintances here - you are all awesome! Thankyou.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

F5, you are in my thoughts and best wishes...sending you the biggest hug and the wettest kiss.

 

[rgraham666]

No problem, f5. Keep us up to date. You know how we worry.

 

[SeaCat]

F5, may things turn out as you wish, not as others hope. Like I said i went through this myself a few years ago, and deal with the responses to it nearly every day. Some things it has taught me.

You live life every day. The best quote I ever heard about this was: Live for today. Yesterday is past, remember it but don't live in it. Think to the future, but remember it isn't here yet, and live for today, because today is what you have.

When it happened to me i realised there were still some things I wanted to do. Chief among them was let my wife know I loved her and enjoyed her being by my side. Not a day goes by that I don't tell her that.

I also realised that while it would be nice to have a lot of money and a fine home, I was proud of what I had acomplished. So I'm not rich, I no longer care about that. What I have done, and those who's lives I have helped are what's important to me now.

How you deal with this is your own personal path. It is a choice you have to make. I hope that things turn out okay for you, but I can only hope that if they don't you chose the path which makes you happy. In the end we have only ourselves and our own actions to answer for. We all live by our own set of rules, and must answer to ourselves for what we do.

Let us know what happens, and how you deal with it my friend.

Cat

 

[Boxlicker101]

Almost seven years ago I woke up in a hospital bed and was told that I had had colon cancer, that a tumor that blocked my small intestine had been removed and found to be cancerous and that it had spread to some lymph nodes near by. I am aware that the colon is the large intestine but the cancer had started right at the iliocecal valve and spread into the small bowel. The surgeon had performed a bowel resection, taking about ten inches of bowel, part from the small intestine and part from the large.

I had six months of chemo after that and, although I had heard it is terrible, it didn't bother me that much. Since then, I have had regular colonoscopies and I have had my blood regularly checked for the "footprints" that colon cancer leaves. So far, everything has been negative and, hopefully it will remain that way.

The only negative result has been LBM and sometimes actual diarrhea because of the loss of intestine and the iliocecal valve. I consider that to be a small price to pay.

 

[fifty5]

I've got the CT scan appointment letter: dated 8th Oct, the appointment is for next Thursday, Oct 14.

The good news is that the response was fast.

The bad news is that the response was fast...

The funny bit is that I have to contact them if I'm pregnant (a 56-year-old man)...

f6

 

[Guest]

 

[fifty5]

ARE YOU???

Well, my last period was exactly when I expected it...

The wierdest thing is that it doesn't seem to make any difference as yet, though the result from the scan may alter that.

The first half hour after reading that letter (despite the things people said, I think that was better than a phone call - and a personal visit is pie in the sky. At least I could react in my own time, rather than having to respond immediately) was - er... - odd.

Normally, I'd have spent that time preparing a meal for us, but instead I sat with a LARGE gin and read one of my favourite books. I think that indulgence was justified.

First thought was: "Do I stop smoking NOW?"

Second thought was, "But why?"

Third was to wonder what I'd lose - and it came to me that there wasn't much. My life has been my own. Sure there are things I'd prefer different, but those weren't down to me, they were outside my control.

I've sailed across the sea to Ireland (and back again) as skipper in my own boat. I've had a good marriage - and had a third person join us - and although all the 3 interrelationships have moved on, they've done that pretty well.

I recently stood as a candidate in a local election and while I didn't win, I came top of my party's ticket - so some hundreds of folk in my town thought well enough of me to tick my box, more than just because of my label.

I've acquired (5 weeks ago) 2 new puppies, and - alongside the other dog we're looking after until his owner comes back from 2 years in Guyana - they think the sun shines out of my a**e.

I've 2 sons who are doing well for themselves in their own ways - and a gorgeous grand-daughter.

Over 25 thousand people have read the story I posted here - and while a rating of 4.45 doesn't get me that 'H', it ain't that bad either.

Oh yeah - and after telling my college employers to go stick their job up their arses if that was the way they wanted to go, I got an HGV license, and a HIAB license to go with it, and the driving agency regards me as a "scarce resource" and I can earn as much with that as I did teaching... (!!!)

So what's to regret? No Pulitzer or Nobel prize, but that's no surprise!

Sure would like to get my leg over some new young lovely, but maybe that's as much of a pipe dream as the Nobel.

We'll all have to wait to see what the CT scan has to say.

Meanwhile, I really enjoy walking the dogs in the park - and meeting the other dog-walkers doing likewise.

f6

 

[Just-Legal]

Sure would like to get my leg over some new young lovely, but maybe that's as much of a pipe dream as the Nobel.

<serious> If its your dying wish I'll be there.</serious?

 

[gauchecritic]

<serious> If its your dying wish I'll be there.</serious?

Talk about choked up.

F6, stopping smoking isn't just about cancer, if you stop now it will give your lungs and arteries (blood pressure) a better chance should you require invasive surgery. Just something to consider.

Gauche

 

[English Lady]

fifty5.....you will be in my prayers. I am sure it is the uncertainty which is a pain. let us know how you go on

 

[lewdandlicentious]

As I said in a PM f6,

Good for you.

Am watching this space...........................

 

[Guest]

F6, stopping smoking isn't just about cancer, if you stop now it will give your lungs and arteries (blood pressure) a better chance should you require invasive surgery. Just something to consider.

Crap, Gaucho, you just burst a bubble o'mine.

Eff, it does sound good advice I must admit. Your post above was wonderful, made me feel good about my own life and not least, yours.

que te vaya bien, Perdita

 

[fifty5]

Talk about choked up.

F6, stopping smoking isn't just about cancer, if you stop now it will give your lungs and arteries (blood pressure) a better chance should you require invasive surgery. Just something to consider.

Gauche

Yeah. I know. I've other bad habits too...

Sorry, I don't actually want to sound dismissive, though I'm pretty sure that does.

Once I actually stopped for about 3 months, but other attempts have been measured in hours.

And a fag does go well with brandy...

f6

 

[gauchecritic]

I sympathise completely f6, I don't want to stop and have tried several times, unsuccessfully. I just can't find a substitute and I like it too much.

Oh hell, do anything you wanna do, as the song goes.

Gauche

 

[GingerV]

I was gonna pm this...then realized there might be others reading who might be interested.

F5: Reading your posts, it occurs to me that such an attitude in the face of death can only be a well earned reward for a wonderfully lived life. If I can say as much when my time comes, I'll be well pleased.

I thought of something the other day that you may or not be interested in. There's a science journalist who's been writing about his own battle with cancer over the last couple of years. It's moving, informative and occasionally surprising. He's shockingly honest with the readers, even about his occasional personal dishonesties (once the need for the medicative lies passes). It's helped more than one person cope with their own diagnoses. He's doing a damned good thing there...

You can find the first entry at:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/2253201.stm
if you're interested.

G

 

[CrazyyAngel]

First ... my thoughts are with you f5 and I really hope it is false alarm.

How'd I react ? ... Like rhinoguy I "fantasized" about it, but I don't know. I think I'd feel sorry for myself for quite a while, think of all the things I didn't accomplish and would think of a way to accomplish them now. Maybe I'd just shoot myself to get it over with, I dunno.

CA

 

[Just-Legal]

<< For you hon

 

[fifty5]

<< For you hon

Breaths heavily.

Sqirms.

Adjusts jeans.

 

[Just-Legal]

Breaths heavily.

Sqirms.

Adjusts jeans.

Down boy!

(Did I mention I'm a merciless tease?)

 

[fifty5]

Down boy!

(Did I mention I'm a merciless tease?)

Well, I've already got a tease-maid, to wake me pleasantly in the mornings....

Oh how I love you folk. I mention a problem and you get me laughing!

That's great.

Eff

 

[fifty5]

Update...

The week's been hectic (issues with the pups), but I got to the hospital for my scan.

As a regular blood donor, the event itself was no trauma. The needle was to put stuff in (iodine, which shows up on the piccies), rather than to take blood out, but it was still just a needle. The drink came before instead of after (more iodine), but a drink's a drink. Instead of a little machine under the bed, it was a fucking great piece of technology (2 metres high, 2 metres wide and half a metre thick, with a hole that the bed and I slid through), but still medical machinery. The process even took a similar time: about an hour.

The significant difference is that I'm waiting for a result. It seems they send that to my doc after a week to 10 days - then he gets in touch with me...

I'm afraid that, just like me, you'll have to wait until then to hear the outcome!

In the meantime, thanks again for all the support.

Eff

 

[HornyHenry]

Life's not fair, is it?

You're worried about getting cancer and dying.
I'm worried about living and would rather die.
It would be a relief know when I was going to pass on.
That's the problem we have, you know? Worrying WHEN.

God's not very fair, is he? taking those who want to stay, and making those live who don't.