Death Sentence

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I'd like to see that on a T-shirt.

Use it with my blessing.

 

[slyc_willie]

And Slyc_Willie... you would have preferred "... went down to the crab shack for a little sea food..." (and sadly I can't take credit for that one as I think I recall reading it in a story)

. . . and scored myself a tuna taco? Ech.

 

[Acktion]

. . . and scored myself a tuna taco? Ech.

Ok, yup there it was. Lesson learned. Never eat eggs with Tobasco and then write anything that could even be remotely construed as a "tackiness challenge" in this thread.

Now, if you'll excuse, gonna go gargle with some of that 700 gallons of diesel to get that taste out of my mouth.

 

[SecondCircle]

This is why I have to reread my stuff before I submit it here. If I come across a passage that is silly enough to deflate an erection and stop the story in its tracks, I slap myself, delete it, and ask myself what the hell I was thinking.

Furburger? THAT is incredible. I'm gonna lace that right into some dirty talk tonight and watch my maiden just swoon from overwhelming romance and lust.

We used to say things like that to SPECIFICALLY get a laugh. I remember a guy went home with this real looker <cough>. He definitely had his beer goggles on that night. Next day at work he looked pretty disturbed and we were kinda teasing him about it. Someone asked, and his description was "two runny eggs hanging from a fence post and a grilled cheese sandwich. "

 

[loquere]

Have you ever been reading an erotic story, and everything is going swimmingly, then, suddenly, it happens. You read this sentence, this horrible abortion of language, and it's over. It's all over.

I was reading a tale, and liking it passably well. It wasn't badly written and it had a bit of panache. But then, out it came. The line was, as written by the author to describe the first-person female narrator's initial penetration by the dashing man who had pursued her so vigorously up the this point in the story, "He dipped his ladle into my punch bowl." And, after that...it...was...over. I was done. I just couldn't stop...seeing it, that awful sentence, hearing it zoom around in my mind like a midget on a dirt-bike inside of one of those latticed iron cages. I just couldn't gone on. I still can't. I can't work. I'm stilling here, waiting for it to leave, hoping it does. And that I can feel good again.

Has this ever happened to you? If so, what was the sentence? Does it haunt you still? Does it ever get better? Tell me it gets better!

Yes, yes it does. I'm guilty of this bad writing myself though.

 

[49greg]

I've written them.

The most recent was mention of a DVD in a story pre-1971.

But even Shakespeare could do it. A striking clock in Julius Caesar?

As for Hollywood movies? A jet aircraft in the shot of a Viking era movie?

Wrist watches in costume dramas based in the 18th Century? Even a digital LED wrist watch appeared in one.

War movies can be the worst for those who like historical accuracy. Weapons, particularly big items such as tanks, artillery and ships, can be seen decades before they were in use. Steve McQueen in The Great Escape jumped WW2 barbed wire on a motorcycle from the late 1950s.

..../QUOTE]

I know, it always makes me laugh. Then my wife laughs at me, because her Dad always complained about it too.

I always get pissed when a film has the commander of the archers say - "FIRE"

I don't know for sure what they really said, probably something like "Loose". But I doubt they said "Fire" before firearms came about.

And don't get me started about the decorations, campaign and service ribbons we see in movies.

 

[SecondCircle]

I was told a while back that service ribbons and things like that were supposed to be wrong. Something about not identically portraying the uniform for one reason or another. Not sure if that's valid.

 

[49greg]

Have you ever been reading an erotic story, and everything is going swimmingly, then, suddenly, it happens. You read this sentence, this horrible abortion of language, and it's over. It's all over.

I was reading a tale, and liking it passably well. It wasn't badly written and it had a bit of panache. But then, out it came. The line was, as written by the author to describe the first-person female narrator's initial penetration by the dashing man who had pursued her so vigorously up the this point in the story, "He dipped his ladle into my punch bowl." And, after that...it...was...over. I was done. I just couldn't stop...seeing it, that awful sentence, hearing it zoom around in my mind like a midget on a dirt-bike inside of one of those latticed iron cages. I just couldn't gone on. I still can't. I can't work. I'm stilling here, waiting for it to leave, hoping it does. And that I can feel good again.

Has this ever happened to you? If so, what was the sentence? Does it haunt you still? Does it ever get better? Tell me it gets better!

"He dipped his Ladle" or "He dipped his Ladle in her Punchbowl" or "Into her Punchbowl" They sound like really good, or bad titles for bad stories. I might have to write one.

 

[LaRascasse]

Truth be told, I've written a couple of such sentences.

I vaguely remember editing a story once in which the chosen euphemism for the man-part was "lady-pleaser" (quite a functional name)

So there was a sentence to the effect of "I saw him take out his lady-pleaser and stroke it with his right hand"

If you want bad sentences, MathGirl wrote a legendary one once. Although, this one is intended to be funny.

I kikced down the dor and camed in her fase

 

[DirtyAllie]

Lovepole.

It will kill any story for me, any e-book, any role play.

I can't say exactly why, but I see it and my eyes roll and not in a good way and I can't stop seeing it.

 

[sheablue]

This thread is making me laugh so hard! I came across "man meat" and "sausage stick" recently and thought those were bad.

I have to think, though, of all the ridiculous names "writers" can give breasts, "funbags" has got to be the absolute worst!

 

[DirtyAllie]

This thread is making me laugh so hard! I came across "man meat" and "sausage stick" recently and thought those were bad.

I have to think, though, of all the ridiculous names "writers" can give breasts, "funbags" has got to be the absolute worst!

Not that it was necessarily funny being that is came from a sick abusive woman, but I always remember the mother in Carrie referring to breasts as "Dirty Pillows"

 

[patientlee]

Lovepole.

It will kill any story for me, any e-book, any role play.

I can't say exactly why, but I see it and my eyes roll and not in a good way and I can't stop seeing it.

Me too.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

I think it is so strange to see such ridiculous euphemisms in erotica. Mainly because such word and phrases were created mostly as a kind of distancing language for people who were uncomfortable with sexuality. Who should be more comfortable with sex than erotica writers?

 

[DirtyAllie]

I think it is so strange to see such ridiculous euphemisms in erotica. Mainly because such word and phrases were created mostly as a kind of distancing language for people who were uncomfortable with sexuality. Who should be more comfortable with sex than erotica writers?

Personally I see things like "one eyed snake" or "steamy love tunnel" as things high school kids would say and half the time laughing when they do. It just can't be read and taken seriously. Now in a satire they would be fun....

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Personally I see things like "one eyed snake" or "steamy love tunnel" as things high school kids would say and half the time laughing when they do. It just can't be read and taken seriously. Now in a satire they would be fun....

"Love tunnel" doesn't kill me, but any snake reference is pure venom to my arousal.

 

[patientlee]

"Love tunnel" doesn't kill me, but any snake reference is pure venom to my arousal.

Then don't read my Valentine's Day story.

 

[patientlee]

Personally I see things like "one eyed snake" or "steamy love tunnel" as things high school kids would say and half the time laughing when they do. It just can't be read and taken seriously. Now in a satire they would be fun....

High school kids aren't that creative. Trust me. "That's what she said" is the best it gets.

 

[VenusButterflies]

I came across "sperm sword" the other day.

I think usually it's more for the readers. So many readers are uncomfortable with their own sexuality. You'd be surprised. I know one girl who's never even had an orgasm, and she's 30. Not one. And some writers I think are also uncomfortable with using certain words, possibly fearing too much vulgarity. Or repetition. I alternate between "pussy" or "cunt" with sometimes "vagina" thrown in if it doesn't take away from the sentence or paragraph. Then you have "cock," "dick," sometimes penis, "member" (I use that, I do like that one)... And so I find myself wondering if I've used one (or all) of those words too much. So I guess maybe some writers want to avoid those words and be more "creative," not realizing it takes away from what's being said.

I'd rather read, "He penetrated her wet cunt with his hard cock" over "He brandished his sperm sword and sallied forth into her musky meat cavern" any day, though.

I think it is so strange to see such ridiculous euphemisms in erotica. Mainly because such word and phrases were created mostly as a kind of distancing language for people who were uncomfortable with sexuality. Who should be more comfortable with sex than erotica writers?

 

[VenusButterflies]

I dunno. I think we were when I was growing up.
I had a black, furry bag that I sometimes put in my lap to cover myself up when I was sitting Indian style in a skirt. My friend and I always joked about it being my "fuzzy mound."

High school kids aren't that creative. Trust me. "That's what she said" is the best it gets.

 

[MrFoxwood]

I'm probably guilty of some fairly terrible words and phrases as I tend to go out of my way to avoid repetition. I think context is incredibly important and pretty much anything goes in dialogue provided it sounds genuine coming from that character's mouth.

Unfortunately not an erotic story but I began reading a book which contained the line 'I told them I had killer's block, which is like writer's block but without the typewriter.' Page 13 and I vowed never to read another word of it. It actually angered me that someone had paid this fuckstick to write such arse.

 

[Swilly]

I almost included this one in my FAWC 4 submission:

"charging her body up like a defibrillator"



Lol. I just couldn't do it!

 

[StarryEyed665]

Oh God, I'm crying so hard from all teh laughs! Could be an idea for the next FAWC, to include as many of these as you can before you kill yourself in disgrace.

 

[Gunnlaug]

I always get pissed when a film has the commander of the archers say - "FIRE"

I don't know for sure what they really said, probably something like "Loose". But I doubt they said "Fire" before firearms came about.

They would say "SHOOT" or "LOOSE". "FIRE" came from the command "GIVE FIRE" meaning 'apply the burning match to the touch-hole on the arquebus/musket'. It stayed as a command even after the change to flintlocks when there was no application of something burning.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Truth be told, I've written a couple of such sentences.

I vaguely remember editing a story once in which the chosen euphemism for the man-part was "lady-pleaser" (quite a functional name)

So there was a sentence to the effect of "I saw him take out his lady-pleaser and stroke it with his right hand"

If you want bad sentences, MathGirl wrote a legendary one once. Although, this one is intended to be funny.

I have seen that sentence, and laughed a great bit at it, but I never knew its origin. Thank you for sharing.