Death becomes you

[NocturnaSuicide]

Death becomes us all

When will you hear it call?

So many different ways

We will all pay

How will you die?

When will u say goodbye?

You are here

then you disappear

You learn to love and hate

with you Death will make a date

So much sorrow, so many tears

Death will end your fear

 

[Tathagata]

Death becomes us all

When will you hear it call?

So many different ways

We will all pay

How will you die?

When will u say goodbye?

You are here

then you disappear

You learn to love and hate

with you Death will make a date

So much sorrow, so many tears

Death will end your fear

This is like an undertakers Hallmark card....kinda sorta




Ok I have nothing at all to add
and I think I'm allergic to gin

 

[joric]

This poem teaches us how to live.

 

[FifthFlower]

We will all pay

How will you die?

When will u say goodbye?

I liked these lines with the 'will' repetition, rhyme on 'pay' and 'say', 'die' and 'bye', and the iambic meter.

Also the goth theme is strangely in-your-face nice. Looking forward to your stories and poems.

 

[ghost_girl]

This is like an undertakers Hallmark card....kinda sorta




Ok I have nothing at all to add
and I think I'm allergic to gin

hey Tath,
an undertakers HAllmark card? I'm spewing something, and it ain't gin. Just that poem, with your monkey on top, seems sort of savage.

and oh yeah, Im allergic to mary-jane, it makes my eyes red, and sometimes it makes me cough., esp. that hashy tasting yellow stuff we get down here

dont let an allergy deter you from a good time, drink on!!

xoxox



j

 

[NocturnaSuicide]

wow! Good times...

 

[joric]

Death becomes us all

When will you hear it call?

So many different ways

We will all pay

How will you die?

When will u say goodbye?

You are here

then you disappear

You learn to love and hate

with you Death will make a date

So much sorrow, so many tears

Death will end your fear

Death not only ends fears but everything else.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Death not only ends fears but everything else.

Aha but how do you know? Has anyone come back and told you?

 

[NocturnaSuicide]

lol You people are weird...lol But thats cool! Need more feedback tho...thanks!

 

[thickvixen0320]

LOVE the poem, it is SO true...you are fucking great at poetry yo!

 

[Liar]

lol You people are weird...lol But thats cool!

Somebody gets us!

Need more feedback tho...thanks!

A few things.

1. Try it whithout rhyming. It's not bad per se to rhyme (imo), but it limits what words you can use, and it looks to me like you are not using the best and strongest ones, because you feel you have to rhyme. Some sentences are constructed in "backwards" ways just to make the rhyming consistent. it distracts from the message.

2. Not sure what the message is here. The poem up to the last lines contains one message (the inevitability of one day croaking) but the last two shift to a different one (hooray for death?). Is that intentional?

 

[NocturnaSuicide]

Thanks so much for the feedback. Everyone has their own ways of writing. And usually I don't rhyme. But I thought i'd give it a shot this time. But thanks anyway.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Don't forget to see rainbows there has to be rain

 

[Unbridled_Passion]

I hope that when I die,
no matter whe it may be,
that i will be beautiful!!