Nirvanadragones
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 9, 2005
- Posts
- 14,399
Dear J,
I pray constantly that they're wrong. I just hope you'll be a happy, loving baby. We'll be okay...
Mom
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Dear You,
Sometimes I don't think I can do this. The appointments, the stress, the loneliness of it all. My emotions are so fucked up. I got so mad today when I was waiting for my name to be called at the clinic because I kept looking around at all these fucking couples. I hated them all in that moment. Hated them for their security, predictability, and happiness. Hated how good they all looked...serene...in love...amazed with new life. I cannot for the life of me remember where I lost all that. I wish I could be charted or evaluated somehow so someone could just tell me what it is that's so wrong with me. I can't figure it out. I suck at relationships...but I'm always at a loss for what I should be doing instead. I open my heart to people and make friends, but then they either turn around and completely betray me or they get married and it's like that friendship never existed from that point forward. What is so wrong with me? I'm only good for some set amount of time? Do I have an expiration date printed on me somewhere that I don't know about? I truly do not understand. Stupidly I just sort of thought you'd be hovering around forever, then I blink and...there she is. (We know who I mean...) I don't know what I was thinking or why I was living in my head, pretending we were something we're not. So now my false reality has totally shattered and it hurts so bad that I just don't know what to do except more pretending...only this time pretending that I'm okay, we're okay, we'll always be okay. I hate not being sure of what you're feeling, and how good you are at pretending and hiding, because then I'm never really sure what's going on. I wish things were easier and we didn't each have so much stress bearing down on us. I wish you could go with me every week. I wish I could just be happy for you and not having all this hurt floating around too...I don't know anything anymore.
Love,
Me



