Dear X,

[Saucyminx]

Dear currently absent Lit friend,

I miss having you around these parts, and can't wait until you return. I am glad that the non-metric lengthy one is keeping you such good company until you come back. The road trip will be fantastic and I promise there will be tee shirts.

Miss ya!
Candle burning.
Booze flowing.
Feathers flying.

Me

PS--those last messages? Adorable, just adorable.

 

[Saucyminx]

Dear roofing guys at our apartment,

Before you got here, everything was fine--since you left this afternoon, I have water dripping through the ceiling in every room except the bathrooms.

I'm seriously pissed right now. If you were still here, I would kick every single one of you squarely in the nuts.

Me

Dear apartment managers,

Good call on getting roof work done during a fucking storm. Brilliant! You may all be getting a nut shot tomorrow as well.

Still me

 

[sweetsophie512]

Dear X,

When I read your posts, I just grin.

You're way too cool.

Still trying to figure out the details and the chapter. When we have that squared away, we are good to go.

Don't think for a minute that I've forgotten about the idea that's been brewing that you alluded to. I will check back with you on that later and there will be no escape.



Signed,

Amused me.

 

[Saucyminx]

Dear Mr. G,

I knew how much you inspired me when it came to music, but it was truly amazing to see how many other people you also inspired.

I wanted to stand up and share like everyone else, but realized my stories of you were sort of inappropriate for a funeral. You had the most amazing eyebrows, you pointed with your middle finger always, and I will never forget you yelling "You are a beat off!" at the base drummer, and then the look of expectation on your face while you watched it dawn on everyone what you just said.

You were a wonderful person, an awe-inspiring teacher, and one of the nicest people I ever met. I will never forget you--your legacy is that I passed my love of music and instruments on to my children. I so wish you could have been their teacher too. They would have adored you as much as I did.

I'm still not sure you ever knew my first name, since you called me by my last from the time I was 6 but that's ok. It was just one more thing that made our relationship unique, that and that you were the only teacher I ever felt comfortable enough with to walk in and give you a bottle of Johnny Walker Red for Christmas.

Last Sunday, some of the music left this world but I can imagine you in your tux and tails, conducting some performance somewhere else that needs that music.

Rest in peace my friend. I will think of you every time I hear "Sleigh Ride." It's going to be a long holiday season this year.

Love you.
M

 

[NippleMuncher]

Dear You:

Sorry for your loss

Signed,

Me

 

[CWatson]

Dear My Girlfriend's Period,

Stop playing hard to get. She's been predicting you for two days now but still you're unaccounted for. Even worse, since she DID predict you, we went at it bareback, and now we're both a little bit freaking out. Which is NOT what she needs on top of her job and not what /I/ need on top of my LACK of job.

Srsly. Give us a break and show up already.

no love,
~CWatson and his girlfriend

 

[unregistered]

 

[CWatson]

(And now that it's arrived, two days late, it has made its presence known via what my girlfriend reports to be the worst cramping she's ever felt. And her second day is typically even more intense than the first. Good times...)

 

[pete]

Dear God,

I'm trying to just roll with these punches you keep throwing in my face, but this latest just seems really a little OTT.

How's about a little reprieve from the onslaught for a while?

Sincerely,
Really getting quite jack of these fucking plot twists.

 

[sereneone4u]

Dear God,

I'm trying to just roll with these punches you keep throwing in my face, but this latest just seems really a little OTT.

How's about a little reprieve from the onslaught for a while?

Sincerely,
Really getting quite jack of these fucking plot twists.

rooting for you.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Thomasoir]

Dear Universe

Kindly send me a woman with the same kinks as I have.

Thanks,

Me.

 

[sweetsophie512]

Dear X,

It will all be alright.

I promise.

We have much to discuss.

But first, let me get my much needed rest. You're going to definitely want me alert and refreshed.

Signed,

Exhausted but always paying attention

 

[Erochic]

Dear X,
I still love you, oh so much. And we talked about me finding someone else after you left... So I know I have your blessing. You want me to be happy to enjoy life fully, to enjoy sex ... And maybe even to love again.

And today I did have sex again ... With a guy who is sweet and nice and respectful and caring... And is into the kinds of things I like... So I can be myself.
And it was good - really good. Of course it's not as good as it was with you... But that was something exceptional.

I keep telling myself that you'd be happy for me - that if you were to choose someone for me it would be someone like him.

So why do I feel so guilty?
We are still in touch all the time... And like I have for 5 years I still tell you everything I'm doing - but what do I tell you, how do I tell you about today?

 

[BrokenRomantic]

Dear Friend,

I feel we may be growing apart quite quickly. This makes me really sad, and I don't know what to do about it. I enjoy your friendship very much and I'd rather not lose it.

Sincerely,

Me

 

[Curmudgeonly]

Dear X

Fvck you...

Sincerely,

You know who.

 

[Saucyminx]

Dear lovely, well-intentioned friends,

Please, please, please, and I cannot stress this enough, PLEASE, quit trying to fix me up. This is the second time in 2 weeks. I love that you want to see me coupled, but I don't particularly want to be so at this point in time. I need to breathe.

It is particularly awkward when more than one of you decide to pull this little trick without discussing it amongst yourselves first. I felt sorry for both of those guys--not sorry enough to date either of them, but sorry nonetheless.

We will be having a long discussion about this when I haven't had quite this much champagne, because what I might say at this moment would be less than tactful and might end with me bitch-slapping the bunch of you into next week.

champagne love and cigar kisses,
your happily single friend

 

[NippleMuncher]

Dear X

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW?!?!?!?! Get the fuck over yourself already, grow the fuck up, your shit is well beyond old now, btw, FUCK YOU TOO!

 

[Saucyminx]

Dear X

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW?!?!?!?! Get the fuck over yourself already, grow the fuck up, your shit is well beyond old now, btw, FUCK YOU TOO!

*Cautiously offers Nip head on the bosom time*

 

[SassyKatz71]

X's and Butholes

Dear X's and Person I wish I hadn't ran into..

I can honestly say I'm happy now, Glad none of you are in my life anymore ( except the one that fathered my 2 youngest) Can't do anything about you ,yet ! I'm feeling much better about myself now. And the best thing I ever did was walk away from you all and let go.. The best feeling of freedom I've ever had was letting go of what obviously was not meant for me to hold and love..and be accepted and loved in return..Of walking away from what brought me so much pain,from what was detroying who I was a a person,little by little,breaking down the me I was,changing me in ways I needed to change.To become stronger. And showing me by your treatment of me,Who and what I NEVER wanted to be, as a person..and reminding me that I was worth so much more,and deserved much more,than what you all gave...and what you took from me.

But you did give me the strength to move on,to grow as a woman,and as a person into who I am today.I still need some work and reminders that I am worthy of love.I work on me every day, I am better than before,Happer being me,so for your assholiness, I thank you..and hope I never see your faces again in my life...For I have nothing to say to you three, at all...

I know my perfect mate will find me,Maybe they already have.You never know.But I know I will give my all to him and cherish him..So to those that deemed me not good enough,be it as a woman,physically,Whatever you felt I lacked, etc.. Whatever you thought of me,You thought wrong..

Karma is a bitch I believe firmly in it..So.. Goodbye forever to you all...I haven't looked back and I never will...

 

[unregistered]

 

[Miles Long]

Dear Miles_Long and your baby horses,

You know what? Fuck you.


Dear Bengals,

Play till the last second!!

Dear Jelly,

I don't know who Miles_Long is, but I like him because a) his name is very close to mine (Miles Long), and b) he has great taste in football teams.



Dear Bengals,

Thanks for the easy playoff win today. Best of luck on trying to stay out of prison this offseason.



Dear Baby Horses,

Congrats on beating those pesky stripey cats today! Now let's get ready to go to Denver next week and beat those crusty old Daddy Horses. Run wild and free through the playoffs, Baby Horses!

 

[unregistered]

 

[fire_breeze]

Memo

To: 2048, Cut the Rope and Flappy Wings

From: Breezey

Re: Occupancy on my Phone.

Dear 2048, Cut the Rope and Flappy Wings,

I not only spent too many hours playing you, but you're also frustrating as hell. Please stop being addicting so that I can do other things than grunt like a troglodyte in heat discovering that a bone makes an intriguing throwing stick.

Yours etc,

Breezey.

 

[kikmosa]

Dear Life,

I mean really. You just had to give me the cold from hell two days before Christmas. The first time I get to go home in years to be with my family and I can't hold the new baby because of a cold. And coming back on a plane with my ears stopped up is miserable. And then to top it off by snowing just enough that I didn't see the ice. Now I have the cold from hell, a busted elbow and a badly bruised hip. Great, just great.

I would say fuck you but you'd probably drop a plane on my home if I did. Please, go pick on someone else.

Me