Dear Vella . . .

[Dar~]

Got this idea from another thread . .
Vella is now our resident advise columnist. Any questions about etiquette, love, relatives, or anything else direct to Vella.

 

[Guest]

ROFLMAO...
Dar, you silly creature. ya made me giggle, nay...roar with laughter. ok.. heres the deal. ill do advice but with a twist.
anyone remember when lucy put out her psychiatrist table like a lemonade stand?
lemme fuck with your head...
whos brave enough to be first?

 

[neonlyte]

I'm having dillusions of being a writer. That's ok 'cept I want to write about hand puppets having illicit sex and I'm not sure how many fingers I should use.












In fact that gives me a great idea for a story.

 

[Guest]

I'm having dillusions of being a writer. That's ok 'cept I want to write about hand puppets having illicit sex and I'm not sure how many fingers I should use.












In fact that gives me a great idea for a story.

Dear Neonlyte,
I wish I could find a problem within your post, however, after much thought, I can find nothing wrong with puppet sex. If you have five fingers, then I suggest using them all.
Put pen to paper or bytes to bits and scribe away! Use that imagination to create the best humor story on the boards. (ofcourse, since you vented to me, I should be the first to see your story...its only the right thing to do.)
Keep on, keepin on...type until your puppet does the five finger molly.
I'm proud of you.
v~

 

[impressive]

I see dead people.

 

[Guest]

I see dead people.

Dear Impressive,
You would be surprised at how many dead people I see on a daily basis. What I suggest is that you befriend them. Perhaps these dead people are your muses, it wouldn't due to ignore them, would it?
So, pour on the charm and make friends with these ghostly apparitions. Always remember how cute Casper was...
Sincerely,
v~

 

[mlady_france]

Dear Vella

I feel quite happy, but am fighting the urge to kill. I'm not sure if the happyness from wanting to kill people, or if actually killing people will make me happier.

~Waiting with sword in hand.

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella

I feel quite happy, but am fighting the urge to kill. I'm not sure if the happyness from wanting to kill people, or if actually killing people will make me happier.

~Waiting with sword in hand.

Dear mlady_france,
Perhaps this happiness could serve the greater good. While I am against the death penalty, maybe, just maybe, you would be able to put this death urge to good use. Please contact the nearest penal facility in Texas. I don't believe they'll let you use a sword, but maybe in the long run, they might consider it.
In the time being, i would suggest that you put pen to paper and write about these feelings in some erotic thriller. You never know just what a hit that could be to all the Dhamers of the world!
All the best,
v~

 

[impressive]

Dear mlady_france,
Perhaps this happiness could serve the greater good. While I am against the death penalty, maybe, just maybe, you would be able to put this death urge to good use. Please contact the nearest penal facility in Texas. I don't believe they'll let you use a sword, but maybe in the long run, they might consider it.
In the time being, i would suggest that you put pen to paper and write about these feelings in some erotic thriller. You never know just what a hit that could be to all the Dhamers of the world!
All the best,
v~

Nyuk! Dhar~

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Dear Vella

I was out for dinner with a bunch of female co-workers when one of my female friends asked, "Should I have breast reduction surgery?"

I was at a loss. What is the polite way of responding to such a question? Try one first?

E-O

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella

I was out for dinner with a bunch of female co-workers when one of my female friends asked, "Should I have breast reduction surgery?"

I was at a loss. What is the polite way of responding to such a question? Try one first?

E-O

Dear elfin_odalisque,
Quite a conundrum you have there. While in your head, you're screaming, "Yes!" possibly the most correct thing would be to say something like, "If that is what you believe would make you happy, then you should contact the best plastic surgeon."
I, myself, believe that big breasts are things that should be worshipped but not at the expense of the 'carrier'. Best of luck with your situation. Remember, more than a mouthful is a waste but damn fun!
Sincerely,
v~

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I shall pass on your considered advice - even if I think that more than a mouthful becomes a handful.

What I was seeking was some advice on saying, "You look like a deformed egg timer, but mammaries are made of this." Is there a polite way of addressing this?

 

[mlady_france]

I shall pass on your considered advice - even if I think that more than a mouthful becomes a handful.

What I was seeking was some advice on saying, "You look like a deformed egg timer, but mammaries are made of this." Is there a polite way of addressing this?

What if you have more than a handful?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

What if you have more than a handful?

With some reservation - perhaps you become a basket case?

Love from bee-stings.

 

[Extreme Bohunk]

Dear Vella,
I'm emotionally happy, physically fit, and spriritually serene.
All my bills are paid, and there's no major drama in my life.
WTF is wrong with me?

 

[mlady_france]

With some reservation - perhaps you become a basket case?

Love from bee-stings.

Well that's not really new news, is it?

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella,
I'm emotionally happy, physically fit, and spriritually serene.
All my bills are paid, and there's no major drama in my life.
WTF is wrong with me?

Dear Extreme Bohunk,
Give it time, drama springs eternal and you'll have your share in future. In the mean time, how about reveling in the quiet? Take this resprite to write about a drama, perhaps this is the only drama you'll ever need.
Sincerely,
v~

 

[Guest]

I shall pass on your considered advice - even if I think that more than a mouthful becomes a handful.

What I was seeking was some advice on saying, "You look like a deformed egg timer, but mammaries are made of this." Is there a polite way of addressing this?

Dear elfin_odalisque,
No, but, if you are the type of person who would normally say this, then you shouldn't try to hide your feelings. This other person might just be counting on you for your brash advice! Go forth and be crude! It usually works for me.
v~
BTW, there is no such thing as a bad 'dirty pilla'

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Dear elfin_odalisque,
No, but, if you are the type of person who would normally say this, then you shouldn't try to hide your feelings. This other person might just be counting on you for your brash advice! Go forth and be crude! It usually works for me.
v~
BTW, there is no such thing as a bad 'dirty pilla'

D'you do private visits?

 

[Dar~]

Dear Vella,
Sometimes I have the urge to run around my very strict military neighborhood with no clothes on screaming Support our troops . . .is this odd.
Dar~

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Dear Vella,
Sometimes I have the urge to run around my very strict military neighborhood with no clothes on screaming Support our troops . . .is this odd.
Dar~

Before Auntie Vella can come back - let me say that making a clean breast of things is to be applauded.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Dear vella ~

the neighbor's free-range cats are shitting in my flowerbed. I sprinkled it heavily with red pepper but that doesn't seem to be working; and the gun turrets and landmines aren't allowed by city ordinance. The neighbor is an old crippled cat lady and I don't think from her wheelchair she could do anything to prevent the cats from coming over. I will pepper the kitties, but I don't really want to hurt them... any ideas?

~signed, Shit Upon.

 

[Guest]

Dear Vella,
Sometimes I have the urge to run around my very strict military neighborhood with no clothes on screaming Support our troops . . .is this odd.
Dar~

Dear Dar,
No, dear, this sensation is not odd...In another missive I have included my private address, should you feel the need to run nakey, please visit my neighborhood. In fact, I believe that most of our troops would be very pleased with your uncovered support. Bare it and Believe it. Rock on!
v~

 

[Guest]

Dear vella ~

the neighbor's free-range cats are shitting in my flowerbed. I sprinkled it heavily with red pepper but that doesn't seem to be working; and the gun turrets and landmines aren't allowed by city ordinance. The neighbor is an old crippled cat lady and I don't think from her wheelchair she could do anything to prevent the cats from coming over. I will pepper the kitties, but I don't really want to hurt them... any ideas?

~signed, Shit Upon.

Dear Carsonshepherd,
I understand your angst and I, for one, would not think less of you if you took the cats and let them swim with the fishes. However, since the ASPCA tends to frown upon this behaviour, I would suggest a lesser tactic. Have you considered draping your flowers with netting? If you catch the feline feces fabricators, it would be much like finders, keepers. take them to the pound and let them deal with the little monsters.
Best wishes
v~

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Dear Dar,
No, dear, this sensation is not odd...In another missive I have included my private address, should you feel the need to run nakey, please visit my neighborhood. In fact, I believe that most of our troops would be very pleased with your uncovered support. Bare it and Believe it. Rock on!
v~

I give therapy and comfort to all girlies who want to be naked and loved.

Just ask for the key code.