Dear Marquis

[Marquis]

Some time ago I started a thread on a popular MySpace BDSM group called "Ask The Master". I started it as a sort of "Dear Abby" advice column thing. MySpace is generally populated by younger people than we see here, so the dynamics are a lot different.

The thread became fairly popular and I got the opportunity to share a lot of my views. I don't know if anyone here would be interested in reading it, but I'm going to post a link because it might get deleted soon and I think it offers the most cynicism free compilation of my views on BDSM.

Ask The Master!

 

[JMohegan]

Some time ago I started a thread on a popular MySpace BDSM group called "Ask The Master". I started it as a sort of "Dear Abby" advice column thing. MySpace is generally populated by younger people than we see here, so the dynamics are a lot different.

The thread became fairly popular and I got the opportunity to share a lot of my views. I don't know if anyone here would be interested in reading it, but I'm going to post a link because it might get deleted soon and I think it offers the most cynicism free compilation of my views on BDSM.

Ask The Master!

Nice job.

If I have questions or comments about what you wrote, may I copy and paste the text here?

 

[Kajira Callista]

Some time ago I started a thread on a popular MySpace BDSM group called "Ask The Master". I started it as a sort of "Dear Abby" advice column thing. MySpace is generally populated by younger people than we see here, so the dynamics are a lot different.

The thread became fairly popular and I got the opportunity to share a lot of my views. I don't know if anyone here would be interested in reading it, but I'm going to post a link because it might get deleted soon and I think it offers the most cynicism free compilation of my views on BDSM.

Ask The Master!

In about two days you need to record your voice again

 

[Marquis]

Nice job.

If I have questions or comments about what you wrote, may I copy and paste the text here?

Absolutely.

 

[Marquis]

In about two days you need to record your voice again

HA HA!!!

You're too much KC.

Give it about a week.

 

[JMohegan]

Absolutely.

Thanks.

First off, I must say that your response on the subject of infidelity was the most concise and deadon I've ever seen. The frequency with which this subject seems to pop up, both in the physical world and here, is somewhat astonishing. So I'm going to copy and paste this exchange, in its entirety, simply because I thought it was excellent.


Posted: September 18, 2006 8:45 AM

Toxic Lily wrote:
Dear Marquis

There's a certain gentleman I've met through the net, we've talked and he's lovely. Experienced, handsome, older, patient etc. There's just the problem that he is married. Mentaly and emotionaly he is satisfied with his home life. She is not into kink and will not participate in it with him. In the past he has turned to help outside his marriage without her knowledge or consent.

The dilemma is that I would love to learn from him and am confused about my feelings towards being a concubine of sorts... I do no wish to have any sort of relationship with this man besides sex and kink. I am looking for a partner to explore phisycality with so there is no issue with me trying to usurp his wife. He is not willing to leave her cause he loves her and they have a family and all that stuff. This is all behind her back though. I don't think people should be expected to be monogamous if the sexual part of a relationship is not satisfactory for both partners, but I think it should be openly discussed so no one is getting the wool pulled over their eyes. It's insulting to her and the things she believes in. Am I responsible for her feelings? Is it my responsibility to consider the well-being of a woman I do not know and never will? Though i do desire him physically, as I said I don't want his love, I don't really even want his affections (I've already refused to allow him buying me gifts).

Sorry this is so long, if feels so complicated I could probably write you a novel about it.

Patiently waiting,
Immorally Confused


Dear Immorally Confused,

Good to hear from you again! As always, I wish I could respond faster but my schedule does not always allow.

This is a tough problem, and one all to commonly faced by people in our community.

There is a simple rule of thumb I like to stick to:

Through open communication and honesty, anything is possible and it's honestly hard to go too wrong. Once deceit enters the equation, something is guaranteed to get screwy.

In general, I do not think it is the moral responsibility of someone in your position to refrain from pursuing a person with a mate. His lack of loyalty and decisiveness is his own problem. What I would be more worried about is:

1. The fact that he cannot or will not be honest. This is an important trait to recognize. No matter how wonderful he may seem, he is a liar and that is not only a deficiency but a weakness. His better qualities may overshadow this for now, but you may feel differently with time.

2. The way you describe him does not sound like a purely sexual interest to me. If you do have feelings for him, these are likely to increase with time and contact. What will you do then? Eventually you may find yourself engaging in behavior you would not now approve of because you have fallen in too deep.

In the end, no matter what you do, you will learn and grow.

I just personally have a hard time believing you don't have better options.

-Marquis

 

[Kitten1985]

Thank you for bringing that up b/c I have a question on that. See I am the married one with an issue here. I am new to this world and need help guiding me through this. I have talked to my husband about it alot and he is completely disinterested in learning about it. He called me strange and told me I should probably see a shrink. What do I do in this situation, I need help and eventually a mentor, but I cant turn to my husband. He told me that he would leave me and take my daughter if he found me cheating on him. So do I hide who I am for the sake of my family? Or do I lose them with open honesty? Or do I go behind his back and find what I need? See this is the part that I am confused I dont know what to do. My sex life sucks honestly and I am just lost. So please explain how this situation can get better. Its not that I am a liar or a sneak I just dont see what else I can do. ::Shrugs:: can anyone else help me?


Ever Curious
Kitten

 

[JMohegan]

The entry I found most interesting was on the subject of switches. I don't have time at the moment to draft a meaningful response to it, but I'll copy and paste it now in case the MySpace thread gets deleted before I have a chance to get to it, and also because I would be interested to read the reaction of others here, too.


Posted: October 10, 2006 3:39 PM

Mistress Arabella wrote:
LOL! You don't agree with what I said and then this lovely lady comes right after that to prove me right! Gotta love the irony! ;o)

Good luck to you darlin' Marquis, I am not sure you comprehend all D/S concepts, then again no one person knows all things therefore it's natural...

By the way, you do understand that you can be in a position to "take" pain and still control the situation and really "make" the so called dom to your so called sub do what you want and how you want it and basically control the situation. Personally, I don't believe that is truly subbing. I've met doms that actually like pain but do not like to submit, so they make their subs take care of that need or go to a dom to do it but are obviously not submissive and order the dom around. I've seen lots of situations as I love to be a fly on the wall and love the psychology of it, and have been happy to watch and participate with other doms male and female on many occasions. One is always learning and boy is it fun!

P.S. I keep forgetting to tell you I love that picture of you as a child with that wild cat. My favorite animal species though am in love with the tiger best.


Hi Mistress Arabella,

I knew you were going to be trouble.

First I'm going to take the time to explain (again) what I was saying about switches, because it is something I believe in rather adamantly. Then I am going to offer you some advice, even though you didn't ask for it, because this is my advice thread after all.

I don't think the previous poster proved your point at all, quite the opposite in fact.

To return to my sexual orientation analogy I'd like to quote something I said earlier in this thread.

I've always held the belief that you are what you feel, not what you do. Bear with me for a moment. Take a straight guy and put him in prison. He fantasizes about women, lusts for women, but fucks (no pun intended) men since he has no other option. Is he straight or gay? Straight of course!

What about the guys who spend their whole lives fantasizing about other men, but get married, have kids and never act on their fantasies because their environment is so conservative. Are they straight? No, of course not, they are gay!


I later said:

However, I think there is some confusion over what it really means to be a switch, or bisexual for that matter, that contributes to the negativity towards those orientations. Calling yourself a "switch" or "bisexual" leaves a lot to the imagination. I tend to agree with Kinsey in that we're all bisexual to some degree or other, and I feel the same way about switching.

In my experience true blue bisexuals are a very rare thing. I like to think of heterosexuals as right-handed people, homosexuals as left-handed and bisexuals as ambidextrous. Even the average right-handed person isn't TOTALLY incapable with their left hand. Many left-handed people were taught to write and do other things with their right hands. Even most people who claim to be ambidextrous are merely more proficient with both hands than average, they still have one hand that tends to dominate. There are people who perform identically with either hand, but that is extremely rare.

I think most bisexuals and switches work similarly. I know a lot of women who are attracted to other women and enjoy sex with them, but have the vast majority of their romantic relationships with men. I know women who consider themselves strictly lesbian, but occasionally like to get the dick. The same sorts of patterns are true for men.

I think it's a common misunderstanding that switches or bisexuals must necessarily gravitate towards a 50:50 ratio of enjoying either gender or sexual power position.

What about those people that enjoy dominating one gender but submitting to the other? Or how about those people that are maybe 20% heterosexual and 80% homosexual?

The truth is that no one is 100% top or bottom and no one is 100% gay or straight. There are people who are more comfortable being very close to one pole, being 95-99% straight or dominant, for example, but there are very few absolutes in life and sexuality is no exception.

I'll offer myself as an example. I would describe myself as maybe 90% dominant and 97% heterosexual. This doesn't make me a "true" dominant or a "true" heterosexual, it merely makes me mostly dominant and heterosexual. When you start assigning value judgments like "true" to your status, you enter a meaningless world of self aggrandizement that is totally transparent to anyone who knows better.

I have had only a handful of submissive experiences, which I have shared with you, and I have never had a homosexual experience. Under the right circumstances I would probably be open to both however.

If, for example, Angelina Jolie wanted to fuck me, but said the only way she would is if she could tie me up and ride me, I think there is a good chance I would agree. Likewise, if I was in jail for the rest of my life, I would imagine that at some point I would begin fucking men, and enjoying it.

I think that the previous poster showed a lot of awareness that her preference is NOT absolute, as do most people who are not clouded by their egos.

As for your comment about the difference between S&M and D/s, I think I made that distinction quite clearly myself, here:

As far as pain play goes, I'm not opposed to switching. I have limited experience, but I can enjoy being whipped, etc.

However, I very rarely sub in the traditional sense.

In case that wasn't clear, however, I will totally agree with you that there is a big difference between "bottoming" and submitting, even though those words are often used interchangably.



[I left off your unrelated advice to Arabella that appeared at the end.]

 

[Marquis]

Thanks.

First off, I must say that your response on the subject of infidelity was the most concise and deadon I've ever seen. The frequency with which this subject seems to pop up, both in the physical world and here, is somewhat astonishing. So I'm going to copy and paste this exchange, in its entirety, simply because I thought it was excellent.


Posted: September 18, 2006 8:45 AM

Toxic Lily wrote:
Dear Marquis

There's a certain gentleman I've met through the net, we've talked and he's lovely. Experienced, handsome, older, patient etc. There's just the problem that he is married. Mentaly and emotionaly he is satisfied with his home life. She is not into kink and will not participate in it with him. In the past he has turned to help outside his marriage without her knowledge or consent.

The dilemma is that I would love to learn from him and am confused about my feelings towards being a concubine of sorts... I do no wish to have any sort of relationship with this man besides sex and kink. I am looking for a partner to explore phisycality with so there is no issue with me trying to usurp his wife. He is not willing to leave her cause he loves her and they have a family and all that stuff. This is all behind her back though. I don't think people should be expected to be monogamous if the sexual part of a relationship is not satisfactory for both partners, but I think it should be openly discussed so no one is getting the wool pulled over their eyes. It's insulting to her and the things she believes in. Am I responsible for her feelings? Is it my responsibility to consider the well-being of a woman I do not know and never will? Though i do desire him physically, as I said I don't want his love, I don't really even want his affections (I've already refused to allow him buying me gifts).

Sorry this is so long, if feels so complicated I could probably write you a novel about it.

Patiently waiting,
Immorally Confused


Dear Immorally Confused,

Good to hear from you again! As always, I wish I could respond faster but my schedule does not always allow.

This is a tough problem, and one all to commonly faced by people in our community.

There is a simple rule of thumb I like to stick to:

Through open communication and honesty, anything is possible and it's honestly hard to go too wrong. Once deceit enters the equation, something is guaranteed to get screwy.

In general, I do not think it is the moral responsibility of someone in your position to refrain from pursuing a person with a mate. His lack of loyalty and decisiveness is his own problem. What I would be more worried about is:

1. The fact that he cannot or will not be honest. This is an important trait to recognize. No matter how wonderful he may seem, he is a liar and that is not only a deficiency but a weakness. His better qualities may overshadow this for now, but you may feel differently with time.

2. The way you describe him does not sound like a purely sexual interest to me. If you do have feelings for him, these are likely to increase with time and contact. What will you do then? Eventually you may find yourself engaging in behavior you would not now approve of because you have fallen in too deep.

In the end, no matter what you do, you will learn and grow.

I just personally have a hard time believing you don't have better options.

-Marquis

Ha ha, you think you're slick, don't you?

 

[JMohegan]

Ha ha, you think you're slick, don't you?

Truthfully? No, I don't.

 

[FurryFury]

Thank you for bringing that up b/c I have a question on that. See I am the married one with an issue here. I am new to this world and need help guiding me through this. I have talked to my husband about it alot and he is completely disinterested in learning about it. He called me strange and told me I should probably see a shrink. What do I do in this situation, I need help and eventually a mentor, but I cant turn to my husband. He told me that he would leave me and take my daughter if he found me cheating on him. So do I hide who I am for the sake of my family? Or do I lose them with open honesty? Or do I go behind his back and find what I need? See this is the part that I am confused I dont know what to do. My sex life sucks honestly and I am just lost. So please explain how this situation can get better. Its not that I am a liar or a sneak I just dont see what else I can do. ::Shrugs:: can anyone else help me?


Ever Curious
Kitten

I'll probably get slammed for saying this:

Honestly, if it were me and my husband wasn't comfortable with what I was interested in and if I was worried about losing my child, yes, I would hide (or stuff down inside me) what I was. I would be very careful about what I did and did not do. I wouldn't want to take any action that would make me lose the things I value most in life. I think eventually other options and solutions might come to me but if not, I would not want to risk my family.

Fury

 

[neonflux]

The entry I found most interesting was on the subject of switches. I don't have time at the moment to draft a meaningful response to it, but I'll copy and paste it now in case the MySpace thread gets deleted before I have a chance to get to it, and also because I would be interested to read the reaction of others here, too.


Posted: October 10, 2006 3:39 PM

Mistress Arabella wrote:
LOL! You don't agree with what I said and then this lovely lady comes right after that to prove me right! Gotta love the irony! ;o)

Good luck to you darlin' Marquis, I am not sure you comprehend all D/S concepts, then again no one person knows all things therefore it's natural...

By the way, you do understand that you can be in a position to "take" pain and still control the situation and really "make" the so called dom to your so called sub do what you want and how you want it and basically control the situation. Personally, I don't believe that is truly subbing. I've met doms that actually like pain but do not like to submit, so they make their subs take care of that need or go to a dom to do it but are obviously not submissive and order the dom around. I've seen lots of situations as I love to be a fly on the wall and love the psychology of it, and have been happy to watch and participate with other doms male and female on many occasions. One is always learning and boy is it fun!

P.S. I keep forgetting to tell you I love that picture of you as a child with that wild cat. My favorite animal species though am in love with the tiger best.


Hi Mistress Arabella,

I knew you were going to be trouble.

First I'm going to take the time to explain (again) what I was saying about switches, because it is something I believe in rather adamantly. Then I am going to offer you some advice, even though you didn't ask for it, because this is my advice thread after all.

I don't think the previous poster proved your point at all, quite the opposite in fact.

To return to my sexual orientation analogy I'd like to quote something I said earlier in this thread.

I've always held the belief that you are what you feel, not what you do. Bear with me for a moment. Take a straight guy and put him in prison. He fantasizes about women, lusts for women, but fucks (no pun intended) men since he has no other option. Is he straight or gay? Straight of course!

What about the guys who spend their whole lives fantasizing about other men, but get married, have kids and never act on their fantasies because their environment is so conservative. Are they straight? No, of course not, they are gay!


I later said:

However, I think there is some confusion over what it really means to be a switch, or bisexual for that matter, that contributes to the negativity towards those orientations. Calling yourself a "switch" or "bisexual" leaves a lot to the imagination. I tend to agree with Kinsey in that we're all bisexual to some degree or other, and I feel the same way about switching.

In my experience true blue bisexuals are a very rare thing. I like to think of heterosexuals as right-handed people, homosexuals as left-handed and bisexuals as ambidextrous. Even the average right-handed person isn't TOTALLY incapable with their left hand. Many left-handed people were taught to write and do other things with their right hands. Even most people who claim to be ambidextrous are merely more proficient with both hands than average, they still have one hand that tends to dominate. There are people who perform identically with either hand, but that is extremely rare.

I think most bisexuals and switches work similarly. I know a lot of women who are attracted to other women and enjoy sex with them, but have the vast majority of their romantic relationships with men. I know women who consider themselves strictly lesbian, but occasionally like to get the dick. The same sorts of patterns are true for men.

I think it's a common misunderstanding that switches or bisexuals must necessarily gravitate towards a 50:50 ratio of enjoying either gender or sexual power position.

What about those people that enjoy dominating one gender but submitting to the other? Or how about those people that are maybe 20% heterosexual and 80% homosexual?

The truth is that no one is 100% top or bottom and no one is 100% gay or straight. There are people who are more comfortable being very close to one pole, being 95-99% straight or dominant, for example, but there are very few absolutes in life and sexuality is no exception.

I'll offer myself as an example. I would describe myself as maybe 90% dominant and 97% heterosexual. This doesn't make me a "true" dominant or a "true" heterosexual, it merely makes me mostly dominant and heterosexual. When you start assigning value judgments like "true" to your status, you enter a meaningless world of self aggrandizement that is totally transparent to anyone who knows better.

I have had only a handful of submissive experiences, which I have shared with you, and I have never had a homosexual experience. Under the right circumstances I would probably be open to both however.

If, for example, Angelina Jolie wanted to fuck me, but said the only way she would is if she could tie me up and ride me, I think there is a good chance I would agree. Likewise, if I was in jail for the rest of my life, I would imagine that at some point I would begin fucking men, and enjoying it.

I think that the previous poster showed a lot of awareness that her preference is NOT absolute, as do most people who are not clouded by their egos.

As for your comment about the difference between S&M and D/s, I think I made that distinction quite clearly myself, here:

As far as pain play goes, I'm not opposed to switching. I have limited experience, but I can enjoy being whipped, etc.

However, I very rarely sub in the traditional sense.

In case that wasn't clear, however, I will totally agree with you that there is a big difference between "bottoming" and submitting, even though those words are often used interchangably.

I love, love, love this! I have rarely read it so clearly expressed on these two topics I am one of those rare 3 on the Kinsey scale people. Have had monogamous relationships with both men and women and always felt like I was cutting a part of myself off... At 48 and 1/2 finally decided that I wouldn't do that anymore. Until very recently, I thought I was equally switch, but am beginning to suspect I am more D than s (my kink partner and sister agree), although I do think I have an equal affinity for sadism and masochism - I do love that pain, both ways ...

Neon

now i only have to find the time to read the rest of your advice forum...

 

[Marquis]

Truthfully? No, I don't.

I thought perhaps that quote was related to another thread I started recently.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Thank you for bringing that up b/c I have a question on that. See I am the married one with an issue here. I am new to this world and need help guiding me through this. I have talked to my husband about it alot and he is completely disinterested in learning about it. He called me strange and told me I should probably see a shrink. What do I do in this situation, I need help and eventually a mentor, but I cant turn to my husband. He told me that he would leave me and take my daughter if he found me cheating on him. So do I hide who I am for the sake of my family? Or do I lose them with open honesty? Or do I go behind his back and find what I need? See this is the part that I am confused I dont know what to do. My sex life sucks honestly and I am just lost. So please explain how this situation can get better. Its not that I am a liar or a sneak I just dont see what else I can do. ::Shrugs:: can anyone else help me?


Ever Curious
Kitten

Good evening Kitten,

I'm sorry to hear that your spouse is so dead set against exploring this part of your life with you. I understand completely though as I was in a very similar situation several years ago.

Eventually I decided that for my own integrity, sanity and survival that I had to leave my then-wife. Trust me, cheating has consequences and they usually aren't good. If you have any kind of conscience at all, it will erode your soul. It will darken everything you do, it will make you feel guilty and paranoid. It's a stain in your heart that even if no one in the world ever suspects, YOU will know it is there.

If you can live with that guilt in order to pursue the path of discovery in the world of kink, I'm not going to condemn or fuss. Just understand that there is a price to pay and you will have to decide if you are willing to pay that price.

If your marriage is loveless, your spouse so uncaring of YOUR needs and desires, if his own sexuality is so repressed that he won't explore this, then you may wish to seriously consider making the break NOW, before he has any evidence of "cheating". Consult a family law/divorce attorney about how to keep custody or visitation. If necessary, check with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom's Kink Aware Professionals listing for a kink friendly attorney in your area. http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/index.htm

Kink, by itself, is rarely grounds for denying custody. But it can weigh heavily with other factors in the decision of the judge. Proceed carefully, Kitten. Only you can determine if the potential pay-off of exploring this is worth the risk of the losses you may face if you are found out.

YIK,
- Geoff

 

[JMohegan]

I thought perhaps that quote was related to another thread I started recently.

Ah - sorry, man! I can see now why you thought that, but no - that was not my intent.

No way for you to know this, of course, but I'm a very straightforward guy. If I had wanted to make a point linking that entry to the other thread, I would have said so directly.

Concise, deadon, and relevant to a lot of people. That's why I copied it here.

 

[Netzach]

Good evening Kitten,

I'm sorry to hear that your spouse is so dead set against exploring this part of your life with you. I understand completely though as I was in a very similar situation several years ago.

Eventually I decided that for my own integrity, sanity and survival that I had to leave my then-wife. Trust me, cheating has consequences and they usually aren't good. If you have any kind of conscience at all, it will erode your soul. It will darken everything you do, it will make you feel guilty and paranoid. It's a stain in your heart that even if no one in the world ever suspects, YOU will know it is there.

If you can live with that guilt in order to pursue the path of discovery in the world of kink, I'm not going to condemn or fuss. Just understand that there is a price to pay and you will have to decide if you are willing to pay that price.

If your marriage is loveless, your spouse so uncaring of YOUR needs and desires, if his own sexuality is so repressed that he won't explore this, then you may wish to seriously consider making the break NOW, before he has any evidence of "cheating". Consult a family law/divorce attorney about how to keep custody or visitation. If necessary, check with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom's Kink Aware Professionals listing for a kink friendly attorney in your area. http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/index.htm

Kink, by itself, is rarely grounds for denying custody. But it can weigh heavily with other factors in the decision of the judge. Proceed carefully, Kitten. Only you can determine if the potential pay-off of exploring this is worth the risk of the losses you may face if you are found out.

YIK,
- Geoff

THIS is some really nice non-judgemental advice.

 

[poppy1963]

Marquis...this is a much better direction than some others you were headed in this week. Don't FUCK with people who care about you. I don't care if you care about me back. I care about you. Don't fuck playing mind games about hunting and shit with guns and killing things.

Don't do that.

Do this.

Slam me now. I'll tell you the same tomorrow. Man you pissssssssssed me off.

 

[Marquis]

Marquis...this is a much better direction than some others you were headed in this week. Don't FUCK with people who care about you. I don't care if you care about me back. I care about you. Don't fuck playing mind games about hunting and shit with guns and killing things.

Don't do that.

Do this.

Slam me now. I'll tell you the same tomorrow. Man you pissssssssssed me off.

Poppy, you seem like a sweetheart, really, but I have no fucking clue what you're talking about.

I started the thread about hunting because I am interested in hunting. Have been for a long time. Your objections to the activity notwithstanding, that thread had nothing to do with anything other than my desire to get info about hunting.

I'm flattered that you care so much about me, but the frequency with which you mention this and how personally you seem to take some of my comments is a little bizarre sometimes.

 

[poppy1963]

Poppy, you seem like a sweetheart, really, but I have no fucking clue what you're talking about.

I started the thread about hunting because I am interested in hunting. Have been for a long time. Your objections to the activity notwithstanding, that thread had nothing to do with anything other than my desire to get info about hunting.

I'm flattered that you care so much about me, but the frequency with which you mention this and how personally you seem to take some of my comments is a little bizarre sometimes.

Poppy dear? LOL. Why you little turd. LOL. You are so transparent in many ways to me! You don't fool me. I know how SMART you are and I know how easily people as smart as you...outsmart themselves...and we read about them in the morning paper.

LOL...no worries. I care and worry about you. I've spent more years than you've been alive trying to understand that which ails you. But...I'm done now. Take care. Be well. Survive this thing. You play a dangerous game with it...or pretend to...I'm not sure.

If you wish to resolve this conflict, contact me in private. I will be glad to see if we can find a way. That's up to you. You broke. I am pro bono. Your call, luv. And I mean that in the most unbizarre way...I always have. I have much respect for your strengths. But I also know the pitfalls you dance around. Ehhhhhhh...LOL. I keep trying. ALL ON YOU NOW.

 

[Marquis]

Poppy dear? LOL. Why you little turd. LOL. You are so transparent in many ways to me! You don't fool me. I know how SMART you are and I know how easily people as smart as you...outsmart themselves...and we read about them in the morning paper.

LOL...no worries. I care and worry about you. I've spent more years than you've been alive trying to understand that which ails you. But...I'm done now. Take care. Be well. Survive this thing. You play a dangerous game with it...or pretend to...I'm not sure.

If you wish to resolve this conflict, contact me in private. I will be glad to see if we can find a way. That's up to you. You broke. I am pro bono. Your call, luv. And I mean that in the most unbizarre way...I always have. I have much respect for your strengths. But I also know the pitfalls you dance around. Ehhhhhhh...LOL. I keep trying. ALL ON YOU NOW.

Poppy, either you understand me a little better than I do, or you're slightly off your rocker.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thank you for bringing that up b/c I have a question on that. See I am the married one with an issue here. I am new to this world and need help guiding me through this. I have talked to my husband about it alot and he is completely disinterested in learning about it. He called me strange and told me I should probably see a shrink. What do I do in this situation, I need help and eventually a mentor, but I cant turn to my husband. He told me that he would leave me and take my daughter if he found me cheating on him. So do I hide who I am for the sake of my family? Or do I lose them with open honesty? Or do I go behind his back and find what I need? See this is the part that I am confused I dont know what to do. My sex life sucks honestly and I am just lost. So please explain how this situation can get better. Its not that I am a liar or a sneak I just dont see what else I can do. ::Shrugs:: can anyone else help me?


Ever Curious
Kitten

I am not going to get into the cheating thing as most here know my thoughts on it are similar to what Marquis has already said. What I would like to ask you though, and hopefully it will help you clarify for yourself what direction you wish to take is, what does it say about your husband's feeling toward you if he can tell you you need to see a shrink and that he would take your daughter from you if he found out you were cheating? For me, both these statements show a complete disregard for and disinterest in your feelings and needs with a good sprinkling of ultimatum and revenge. If you can't turn to the one who you are supposedly sharing the most intimate parts of youself and your life, does that seem a good basis for a secure and happy future?

Catalina

 

[JMohegan]

Thank you for bringing that up b/c I have a question on that. See I am the married one with an issue here. I am new to this world and need help guiding me through this. I have talked to my husband about it alot and he is completely disinterested in learning about it. He called me strange and told me I should probably see a shrink. What do I do in this situation, I need help and eventually a mentor, but I cant turn to my husband. He told me that he would leave me and take my daughter if he found me cheating on him. So do I hide who I am for the sake of my family? Or do I lose them with open honesty? Or do I go behind his back and find what I need? See this is the part that I am confused I dont know what to do. My sex life sucks honestly and I am just lost. So please explain how this situation can get better. Its not that I am a liar or a sneak I just dont see what else I can do. ::Shrugs:: can anyone else help me?

You displayed courage and honesty in bringing this up with your husband. I'm sorry that his response was so negative and threatening.

Unfortunately, IMO the two points identified by Marquis still apply from the other side of the equation.


1 - Being a liar.

See Geoff's comments in post 14, above. No matter your justification for the infidelity, "If you have any kind of conscience at all, it will erode your soul." I have never cheated on a partner. But at 48 years old, I have seen a whole hell of a lot of people go through this, for all kinds of reasons. And I agree with what he wrote.


2 - Emotional investment with the Other Guy.

The problem you have identified is that your "sex life sucks," and you "need help and eventually a mentor". What exactly are you anticipating that a mentor would do?

Somewhere along the line, the only way to have satisfying sex without your husband is to have satisfying sex with someone else. Pardon me for stating the obvious, but I think it is helpful to spend some time contemplating who that "someone" might be.

Unless you want to be physically used by one or more guys in a series of emotionally detached encounters, then what you seek will necessarily involve an emotional exchange. As Marquis noted, feelings increase with time and contact. And his question is a good one. What will you do then?

I agree with Geoff's remarks in their entirety. I would suggest marriage counseling if you could get him to go to an open-minded therapist, though I agree with Catalina that his threats don't bode well for a meaningful future together.

 

[Netzach]

I agree with Geoff's remarks in their entirety. I would suggest marriage counseling if you could get him to go to an open-minded therapist, though I agree with Catalina that his threats don't bode well for a meaningful future together.

Uh yeah.

Excuse me, have you ever found an "open minded" counselor specializing in couples when the wife says "I want to be owned and controlled and caged?"

I'm not advocating going outside the rel. here, as the husband sounds pretty volatile and nasty. I am, however, pointing out some real world factors that make sitting down to talk it out, often a total impossibility. I don't think outside of some urban areas, it is remotely possible to find a marriage counselor who is going to "get it." and view her needs as reasonable in any way.

I'm one who prizes honesty with yourself and pursuit of your own fulfillment as something which is your personal entitlement as a human being. I don't know anyone who has ever fought for those things without ever hurting another person, and I'm not one who believes in a one-size fits all solution or answer.

I knew in my heart-of-hearts when my vanilla relationship was going to end. I wish I'd done some things differently, but I don't think it's reasonable to hold out hope of misery-with-therapy as a workable solution. (one which is offered to men on these boards less often than women, I've noticed.)

Some people are never going to turn around on this, not with all the therapy in the world. Let's stop treating a divorce like some end of the world failure and start viewing it as an unfortunate and sometimes appropriate conclusion.

 

[JMohegan]

Uh yeah.

Excuse me, have you ever found an "open minded" counselor specializing in couples when the wife says "I want to be owned and controlled and caged?"

From Geoff's link - here you go.

I'm not advocating going outside the rel. here, as the husband sounds pretty volatile and nasty. I am, however, pointing out some real world factors that make sitting down to talk it out, often a total impossibility.

I agree. As I've already said, the husband himself seems to be the biggest obstacle here.

I'm one who prizes honesty with yourself and pursuit of your own fulfillment as something which is your personal entitlement as a human being. I don't know anyone who has ever fought for those things without ever hurting another person, and I'm not one who believes in a one-size fits all solution or answer.

I agree with this, too.

But I also know that many people feel a profound sense of failure in the event of divorce, and it helps them to be able to say: I left no rock unturned before I walked.

This is *especially* true in cases involving children of custody age.

 

[FurryFury]

I don't actually believe we have any personal entitlements in this life.

*shrugs*

Fury