Dear Agony Aunt...

[doormouse]

Chocolate?

Now I'm really confused Aunt Agony. Shall I mix chocolate with berries and cheese? Please, I'm lost without Julia Childs. The Food Network avoids this subject. Emeril just yells BAM as he adds garlic to a dish. Can you give me some recipes?

I understand. You seem to have a very limited imagination in the kitchen.

Here in Australia, we like to experiment with tastes. Pineapple and beetroot in our burgers and pineapple on our pizzas comes to mind.

Kebabs are generally a mixture of flavors served together. I find it strange that you find mixing fruit and cheeses with chocolate hard to comprehend. Have you never eaten a chocolate sultana?

A party treat is kabana, cheese and onion served on a toothpick. Maybe you could use cherries in place of the strawberries if that appeals more. Chocolate cherries would make a tempting seduction tool, and I'm sure you won't mind taking her cherry

 

[Don K Dyck]

I understand. You seem to have a very limited imagination in the kitchen.

Here in Australia, we like to experiment with tastes. Pineapple and beetroot in our burgers and pineapple on our pizzas comes to mind.

Kebabs are generally a mixture of flavors served together. I find it strange that you find mixing fruit and cheeses with chocolate hard to comprehend. Have you never eaten a chocolate sultana?

A party treat is kabana, cheese and onion served on a toothpick. Maybe you could use cherries in place of the strawberries if that appeals more. Chocolate cherries would make a tempting seduction tool, and I'm sure you won't mind taking her cherry

Dear Agony Aunt,

Do you find that the warm chocolate just stick to the pussy fur? Generally this problem can be avoided by shaving the pussy, but then the growls and shrieks while removing the fur can put you off a little.

Chocolate cherries are a favourite of mine . . . I like to lick the chocolate off before nibbling the cherry . . . but the squeeze can make the pussy moan and groan and thrash about . . . I tried kissing pussies' lips but the reaction was just more growls and moans and groans and thrashing about until it started screaming like a Banshee . . .

Tell me Agony Aunt . . . do chocolate nipples taste as good as chocolate strawberries or chocolate pussy??

 

[doormouse]

Dear Agony Aunt,

Do you find that the warm chocolate just stick to the pussy fur? Generally this problem can be avoided by shaving the pussy, but then the growls and shrieks while removing the fur can put you off a little.

Chocolate cherries are a favourite of mine . . . I like to lick the chocolate off before nibbling the cherry . . . but the squeeze can make the pussy moan and groan and thrash about . . . I tried kissing pussies' lips but the reaction was just more growls and moans and groans and thrashing about until it started screaming like a Banshee . . .

Tell me Agony Aunt . . . do chocolate nipples taste as good as chocolate strawberries or chocolate pussy??

As a mouse, all cats should be bald. It saves on vet bills when the rottweiller chokes on a furball. JOKING!!!

Yes, you are right oh screaming banshee one.

A shaved pussy is much smoother on the taste buds and the chocolate glides onto the palette much easier.

Tell me more about what you do with your tongue while devouring chocolate from cherries

Oh, and yes.... Mmm chocolate nipples *drool*

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

Postmark: NY, NY 9-02-04 11:37:21 AM

Dear Auntie Agony,

Zowie! Hip— Hip— Hooray! Yeah!!!

I am having a wonderful day. . . .

But, I should cease my celebrations, and explain what has happened, in sequence.

The first thing, of course, was that I read your letter of advice, and was once more disappointed. As you suggested, I had tried to bargain with a group of Sugar Daddies, and had already signed a contract. I suppose one could claim that the apartment in which I was held was one of the fringe benefits offered in the contract. I, however, saw it as a prison from which to escape. Had I remained in the apartment as their guest, it is likely that I would have earned some of the financial remuneration promised in the contract, but I thought it more important to escape. Somehow, while negotiating, just how long and how great my exertions would — of necessity — be, was kept hidden from me.

I reneged on my contract.

Nor can I feel that your advice to contact Lawyer Jacobi about my legal difficulties is a workable solution. At the moment, Jacobi and his wife Judy are in the preliminary stages of negotiating a settlement of their divorce. He is being coerced into dismissing the constraints placed upon her in demanding reasonable alimony, caused by their prenuptial agreement. The promise that certain phonographs of himself and me, will be leaked to the media, is the primary incentive for him to do so. If that does not convince him, the fact that I have agreed to act as a correspondent against his interests, will be also be conveyed to him.

None of this information will increase Lawyer Jacobi’s desire to use his best offices to protect me from malicious charges.

Even in the charges against me, you have not understood their seriousness. I am not charged with Simple Exposure, but rather with Indecent Exposure and Participating in a Lewd Act, but that is the lesser charge.

The more serious charge is Attempted Bribery of an Officer of the Court, when I undertook to reward Sargent Murphy with sexual favors for not bringing charges against any future wardrobe malfunctions.

This second charge, which you have difficulty remembering, was at your urging.

I had decided that my only option was to take it on the lamb, if I wished to escape hard jail time. I sold my television, my VCR, and my thirty best costumes at the Mid-City Pawn Shop. Then, prepared to leave the city immediately following my meeting with Assistant District Attorney Doggett.

His office was a small airless office on the third floor of City Hall. When I entered, he was already waiting for me.

“Well, Miss,” he began, “so you have finally shown up.”

This seemed obvious to me, and should go without saying, so I let it go without anything being said.

“Do you know why you have been sent for?”

I wanted our meeting to end before 10:25 A. M, which was when the Greyhound left, so I judged my best course would be to speak as little as necessary.

“You are charged with Indecent Exposure and Participating in a Lewd Act, do you have anything to say?”

Everything had been carefully described in Sargent Murphy’s report, so I held my tongue.

“You are also charged with Attempted Bribery of an Officer of the Court, how do you plead to that?”

Assistant DA Doggett’s voice had taken on an accusative burr. I doubted that he would listen to any of my excuses, so to save time, I held my tongue.

“Damn it, Woman, there must be SOMETHING you wish to say!” the Assistant DA was breathing hard. “I’ve never met a woman who didn’t have SOMETHING to say, before!”

Under the circumstances, I thought the ADA should have his horizons’ broadened, so I held my peace.

“Okay! So somebody told you,” Doggett snapped. “You’re getting an undeserved break. All charges against you have been dropped. Go to the property department and pick up your valuables.”

I was shocked, I could not move.

“Go, damn it! Get out of my office!”

Moving without volition, I left Assistant District Attorney Doggett’s office, and glanced about to find the Property Department.

“And I don’t ever want to see you in my office again,” the Assistant DA yelled after me.

I found my way to the Property Department and Corporal Bean, who told me what was going on.

According to Jimmy Bean, Internal Affairs had been following Sergeant Murphy for nearly two weeks, investigating charges of his being drunk while on duty. The night of my second arrest, they had filed formal charges against the Sargent, for dereliction of duty.

In an effort to lessen the impact of the scandal, City Hall was dismissing all but the most serious ongoing criminal investigations, so as not to be embarrassed when his cases come before a judge.

Both of the charges against me had been deemed not serious enough to continue in light of the Sargent’s compromised sobriety.

I was free! I can rush back to the pawn shop, reclaim my possessions, and perform the first evening set at Joe’s Bar & Grill & Bar.

Officially, I needed only to reclaim my possessions taken as evidence and held until my trial.

There were two bags. One containing a cassette recording of my discussion with Sergeant Murphy, which was broadcast to all the other patrol cars, and seventeen affidavits filled out by officers who had audited our conversation.

The second bag, was from my earlier arrest.

When it was opened, guess what slide out onto the table?

My lucky G-string!

They had been holding it and an affidavit stating that it had been found beside the mirror in my dressing room. It proved that I had left my dressing room without wearing the G-string that local bylaws insist that all strippers must wear.

I speedily reclaimed my lucky G-string, and despite the fact that I was not alone, put it on, immediately.

My long nightmare is over. I will no longer require the questionable advice of any Agony Auntie, or Assistant District Attorneys, or Lawyers, or Lawyer’s wives, or Police Sergeants, or Bartenders, or even any Religion-Spouting Dipsomaniacs.

I’ve got my lucky G-string!

The heck with all of you.


Your Restrung Heroine.


P. S. Some people live by their wits, some by having famous moms or dads, some by doing the dirty work for rich, vicous people, while some people believe that the stars will guide them.

I know they are all fools living in a fool's paradise. The only certain key to success is the possession of a lucky G-string.

 

[the_last_rites]

what the fuck did i just type in here?

 

[OzSteamer]

Dear Agony Aunt

I have been following with interest the developments about the various flavours of pussy, and I think that one cannot go past the flavour of honey-ed Girlfriend...with a six inch brush, some leg-rops (and (I suppose) arm-ropes) one can REALLY make the average gal sticky, slippery and tasty all at once...AND THAT'S EVEN WITHOUT THE HONEY!

But then if one makes 'em get into a wetsuit, so the sticky honey is next to their skin...YUM!

*sigh*

What do you think, Agony Aunt (or should that be Ecstacy Aunt?)

 

[doormouse]

The agony aunt has left the building. If anyone else wants to take over, be my guest.

Otherwise, here's a for the death of this thread.

Real life calls.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

Dorormouse Has left the thread to pursue her new singing career . . .

http://www.geocities.com/thalunaticpage/hamstersinger.jpg


And now the end is near, and as I face the final curtain . . . .

 

[ABSTRUSE]

The agony aunt has left the building. If anyone else wants to take over, be my guest.

Otherwise, here's a for the death of this thread.

Real life calls.

But.....but....who will help us with our terrible problems???
I can't solve them alone...
running away crying.