Dear Abby

[Rick DeVille]

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

 

[Rick DeVille]

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

 

[Rick DeVille]

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

 

[Rick DeVille]

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him

 

[Rick DeVille]

Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again

 

[TWB]

Dear Abby,
Dear Abby,
My Fountain Pen Leaks
My wife hollers at me and
My kids are all freaks

Every side I get up on is
the wrong side of bed
If it were't so expensive
I'd Wish I were dead








-J. Prine

 

[TWB]

Rick DeVille
Rick DeVille
You have no complaint
You are what you are
And you Aint what you aint
So listen up buster
And listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and
Knocking on Wood

Signed,

Dear Abby.










-J Prine, too

 

[patient1]

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Write a letter to the Attorney General, I'm sure he has a solution to this national outrage.

 

[Marxist]

Dear Xaviera,
The Swedish Bikini Team has just moved in next door and they've asked me over for kabob. Should I masturbate now or in their washroom?

 

[Guest]

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
In regards to the letter concerning the gym teacher and social worker, I just wanna say, for the record, she's Lebanese but I'm only bilingual.

signed,
Lipstick lover, MSW


Hehe. Too funny, Rick!

 

[SilverVeil]

What if Abby was male ?

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.


A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.


A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.


Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.


Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.


A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.


Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.


Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.


A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.