Dealing with grumpiness

[patch38]

Okay, here's my problem. i like to have sex more often than my girlfriend does. And i find it frustrating when she does not. What do i do when she say no? I kind of go in a bad mood, i have no idea why, but i will go quiet and not say much. I wish i could be more mature about this. I think i take her saying no as a personal rejection although i understand that sometimes people just don't want to have sex.

Any comment, suggestions on how to be more mature, ways of getting over a knock back - or should i not press as much (easier said than done when your a 23 yr old male)

 

[Norajane]

Well, when kids are grumpy, distraction often works!

What you're dealing with is disappointment that you're not gonna get any right then. If your relationship outside the bedroom is good, and you're having good sex when you do have it, you definitely shouldn't take it personally. Just because the batter's ready and willing, doesn't mean he's going to get to play every game he suits up for...

 

[SweetErika]

Why do you think you take it as personal rejection? Figure that out, challenge it, and choose to do differently.

Also, maybe you're reacting to the way she says no? If so, think of what your ideal reaction would be, and practice it. It might also be helpful to share with her that while you know it's your problem, are working on it, and know it's not her intent, sometimes her saying no feels like personal rejection. Ask if she'd be willing to help you work on it and maybe change the way she responds in the future (e.g. if it's the "Not tonight" that sets you off, she might say, "Can I take a raincheck for tomorrow?" or suggest an alternative activity like a blow or hand job for the night). I'm certainly not suggesting you blame her or that a difference response from her is the answer; just that perhaps there's a small part of this you can work on together, and doing so may improve the experience for both of you.

 

[patch38]

Why do you think you take it as personal rejection? Figure that out, challenge it, and choose to do differently.

Also, maybe you're reacting to the way she says no? If so, think of what your ideal reaction would be, and practice it. It might also be helpful to share with her that while you know it's your problem, are working on it, and know it's not her intent, sometimes her saying no feels like personal rejection. Ask if she'd be willing to help you work on it and maybe change the way she responds in the future (e.g. if it's the "Not tonight" that sets you off, she might say, "Can I take a raincheck for tomorrow?" or suggest an alternative activity like a blow or hand job for the night). I'm certainly not suggesting you blame her or that a difference response from her is the answer; just that perhaps there's a small part of this you can work on together, and doing so may improve the experience for both of you.

Thanks for the responses. Very insightful. I guess my ideal reaction would be something that means i don't go silent and she does not feel guitly for being honest.

It's tough though. I can be selfish. And any reaction i give will bot be totally genuine. Because i am not getting what i want. But you people are right - distraction will be my aim. Even if it means bring the sony PSP on dates.!!!

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for the responses. Very insightful. I guess my ideal reaction would be something that means i don't go silent and she does not feel guitly for being honest.

It's tough though. I can be selfish. And any reaction i give will bot be totally genuine. Because i am not getting what i want. But you people are right - distraction will be my aim. Even if it means bring the sony PSP on dates.!!!

Could you try combatting the selfishness with selflessness/giving? If she says no because she's tired or doesn't feel well, how about suggesting postponing and then offering to give her a massage, foot rub, or get a cup of tea? Something like that would be a very mature reaction, distract you, and will likely make you feel good about the whole situation because you're acting with compassion and taking care of her.

I'm not a stranger to this situation and am usually the one who's turned down because I ask the most. In general, when my hubby says no, I suggest something else (which might include taking care of myself), and an alternate time. If it's because he's stressed, tired, or sick, I focus on doing nice things for him, but still may masturbate if the desire's that strong. Often taking care of him makes him feel well enough to be physical after all (though this is NEVER my aim). And if nothing else, I focus on the fact that there will be plenty of sex in the future.

Kudos to you for wanting to change this! We've found it to be an essential skill for a healthy relationship. There have been many life events that have left us turning each other down more than accepting, and the ability to deal with that well and compromise helped preserve and strengthen our relationship instead of breeding a lot of guilt, resentment, and destroying it.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Because my wife and I have wierd schedules, it's quite common for one of us to be too tired to really get into sex at a given time. For a while we'd just give in and pony up so to speak, but what this lead to was so-so sex. Quite frankly we both agree, we'd rather wait until we are both in the mood and have great sex than have on e partner give in if they aren't really in the mood. Yeah it's hard to not be disappointed if you are really in the mood, but that's selflessness Erika is talking about somes from not showing it, by just letting it go and letting your partner know that it's ok to not be in the mood.

Let me be blunt, as great as my wife is in bed, if she's not into it it's just masturbation with someone to talk to. What's the point? Why take the chance that she'll resent giving in and having her remember the last so-so time she had when we made love? Plus, if I don't push her and make her feel comfortable with saying she's too tired, she makes up for it later! What goes around DOES come around. Show your partner respect for her wishes and needs and she will show that same respect for yours.

It probably is a maturity thing too, at my age it's easier to handle the emotional response, even if the physical one is the same. You just have to decide to do it and to make your best effort to not show the frustration. Not only will it make your relationship stronger and the sex better, but it will give you control over yourself in other situations. That's never a bad thing.

 

[Straight-8]

To get more mature and able to deal with denial of sex without getting grumpy:
1) identify the problem (you've done that)
2) think about the solution (you're doing that)
3) change your behaviour (the tough part)
Some people actually mature as they get older. On the other hand, I think more guys get over this 'grumpy' phase after a couple of girls dump them for being controlling clods.

 

[TBKahuna123]

It's more than that though, it's a general attitude of how you deal with disappointment and getting what you want when you want it. No emotional response to a desire is stronger thant he desire for sex, because it is physical as well as mental. if you can control your reaction to that, you can control your reaction to anything. I believe that learning to control this is the key to realizing that it isn't always about you, that sometimes you have to give of yourself, take one for the team, and be disappointed in order to make someone else happy. That is essential to being in a relationship for the long haul, at least a happy one, and it doesn't just involve sex. It involves everything from what you are having for dinner tonight to who's getting the new car.

Not to mention home decorating!

 

[The Gimp]

Could you try combatting the selfishness with selflessness/giving?

Selfless is the key word but take it a step farther than that. On occasion when you catch her sitting in front of the computer or laying in bed massage her neck, her back, or her feet. Don't do it as though you expect something in return, but rather because you're being sensitive to her needs. Likewise when it comes time for sex try performing oral on her till she has an orgasm and rather than climbing on top of her, bending her over for doggy or sticking your dick in her mouth be done for the night. Just do it a time or two to leave her with the impression that the sex isn't for you as much as it is for her. I can pretty much guarantee that at some point she's had a sexual encounter where he got off but she got next to nothing out of it. Your goal is to do the opposite.
I'm not trying to suggest that you're not treating her properly but if you're getting repeated rejections then something is wrong. My last tidbit of advice is to use common sense. If she has to be up at 5am for work don't stay up till midnight watching television together and then expect to have sex afterwords. Think about sex and the relationship as a whole from her perspective and change a few things for the better. When it comes time for sex if she feels less like a fuck toy and more like a princess then you're grumpiness will be cured because she will give it up every time.

 

[HelloCableGuy]

Honestly just ignore her and start kissing her. It'll take a few minues, but she'll surrender and go for it. Usually works for me when I get bored of the annoying grumpyness..