Dealing with grief

[bluntforcemama]

I think most of you already know that there was a death in my family on October 18th of this year. I'm having a tough time even coming to terms with the fact that she is gone forever. I keep expecting to hear her voice, or smell her perfume. I hadn't seen her in a couple of years, and I couldn't make it to her funeral (too far, too much). I was asked to write an insert for Christmas cards this year to explain to those who don't know that she is gone. I can't seem to get past the third sentence. It's especially hard because my father is on the verge of a breakdown, I think. We aren't religious, I doubt that we ever will be. Okay, so I'm pouring my heart out here. Anyone have any words of wisdom or advice? And NO, I don't need a hug.

 

[registered "^^"]

Toough writing job Myst

No great words of wisdom here, you just have to remember the good times you had with her. She will be in your heart as long as you breathe.

 

[Ice Princess]

Myst, simplicity may be the key for the message in the cards. Just say that she's passed away and is missed. I know I always prefer the simplest sympathy cards when I am buying and when I receive sympathy cards, I tend to notice only the names of the senders and that they were thinking of me. Part of the problem might be that you are trying to do too much in the message, to express too much of what you feel. If it helps you work through things to do that, you should keep struggling with it maybe, but if it's doing more harm than good, I'd say you should make it more informational and have done with it.

As for how to deal with it all, others may be able to give better advice than I can. Time helps more than anything else, and possibly counseling if the extreme distraction and mourning doesn't abate. If your father is that close to a breakdown, he may need that kind of help now, if you can encourage him to get it.

Really sorry I've got no better help to give.

 

[Guest]

Myst,
Your words and memories can be a warm tribute to this person; a few lines of how she lived, how she contributed to the person you are, and how she gave to your family's life. Sometimes, it seems impossible to capture in words how a person affected you. You can do it. Speak from your heart. I hope it can provide some healing for you.

 

[darrenfate]

Myst,

What are the first two sentences? We can help you write from there. Ice Princess is right, a simple and straight message can be poignant as well.

 

[Jack Steed]

grief

Myst, simplicity may be the key for the message in the cards. Just say that she's passed away and is missed.

As for how to deal with it all, others may be able to give better advice than I can. Time helps more than anything else, and possibly counseling if the extreme distraction and mourning doesn't abate. If your father is that close to a breakdown, he may need that kind of help now, if you can encourage him to get it.

Ice Pricess' suggestion is a good one, I believe. It may take several months before you are able to articulate your grief for yourself, let alone to/for others. That isn't a failing in you (although it may feel like it is); it's merely the fact that nothing prepares us for the experience, and we cannot talk sensibly about something that is this new or this traumatic.

Further, if you try to put your grief on paper for the x-mas cards, you might unintentionally offend someone, who may think you are trying to 'claim' everyone's grief by expressing your own.

Best,
~J~

 

[bluntforcemama]

On the 18th of October, 2001, ____, my beloved wife of nearly 45 years, and the mother of our one daughter and three sons, passed from this earthly life. Her passing was unexpected and swift, the consequence of complications due to minor surgery.

 

[Jack Steed]

I think that should suffice. Simple, eloquent, understated, and thus quite moving.

~J~

 

[freakygirl]

Myst, What you have written is wonderful. I wouldn't change or add anything else.

Losing someone is always hard... You never get over the "expecting to hear them or smell their perfume". Trust me, I "hear" and "smell" the presence of my father and brother almost daily. I see their faces in the crowd. It's a hard thing to accept that they are gone but it gets easier with time.

I'm so sorry for your loss..

 

[YogiBare]

Myst

What you wrote is eloquent in its simplicity. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't believe that we ever "get over" these important losses. My father died three years ago and I am still grieving and he is still with me almost every night in my dreams. I think of this is my way of honoring his memory.

 

[LordMagicMan]

You know me, and you know I know what you are going through. If you ever need a shoulder, you know where to find me as my classes seem to keep me here much of the time.. Hugs

 

[Guest]

I don't know about how it my help but I'll share anyways...

 

[seXieleXie]

myst,
my heart goes out to you and your family. with grief there are often no words and what goes unsaid is as important as what is said. no one expects some masterful commentary on ____'s life. how and when she died and that she will be dearly missed is plenty.
as to how you can deal... two bits of advice. first, don't rush yourself. in my rush to get past the pain i've often prolonged the process because i didn't ever really grieve. it hurts like hell, but letting a wound like that fester is so much worse. second, if you are really having an impossible time getting through this you might concider a grief counselor. i don't want to hit upon a touchy subject but sometimes a professional can give you what even the most caring friends can't.

 

[Skally]

grief

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

My mother died 8 years ago, and I find anything can set me off - a song, a scent , a joke....anything like that.

IMHO, The greeting that you have written is great as it is - it's nice and simple and expresses the love for that person.

Time is a great healer - everyone grieves differently. It's difficult to be supporting when you're grieving yourself - I know that well enough.

If you feel you need to, you should be able to find out an excellent bereavement counsellor in your area.

I will be thinking of you.

 

[Cheyenne]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom, Myst.

What about a simple third sentence that just says "We all miss her very much." It states the obvious, but wraps up the paragraph.

*Remember, I'm not a writer! Just a suggestion*

 

[Jean Val Jean]

Keep busy. Just do something. I know it sounds stupid, like me, but it really helps. Don't give yourself anytime to dwell.

A_J out.

 

[Jean Val Jean]

PS

I take it out on the heavy bag.

 

[bluntforcemama]

Not my mother, my grandmother... she was still so young, only 62, a week after she retired.

 

[miles]

Myst

Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel, because no one can determine that for you. Losing someone close to you is a crushing blow. It can bring out some very confusing and conflicting emotions. I've never been very religious, but I managed to find some comfort there, never realizing that most of the religious traditions and ceremony were not about religion as much as they were about helping the survivors grieve through the process.

 

[Cheyenne]

Not my mother, my grandmother... she was still so young, only 62, a week after she retired.

Oops, sorry. But the same sentiment applies. And the same sentence I suggested, too.

 

[erosman]

sorry for your loss, Myst

A few years ago I lost a grandfather who I loved very much. Fortunately, my sisters and I had the chance to get completely involved in his farewell. That was difficult at first, but I've never regretted the opportunity to celebrate his life and the legacy that he left us. It was so incredibly healing to articulate...not for the assembled audience...but for him...the gratitude and love we felt so very strongly.
I think that you should articulate from your heart...for her. It will help you to frame your own loss. I agree with simplicity...but I would suggest to let it flow. It might take a bit for it to settle out, but I think that it is in you. Trust yourself.